Chapter 3 - Hello, Darkness
October 10, 54 years after the founding of Konohagakure, Jōnin Apartments.
It was That Day. Kakashi always made sure to be home from missions on the anniversary.
Genma dropped in through the window and wordlessly handed Kakashi a take-out container of ramen. "Have you eaten today?" In response, he got an eyebrow raise that said What do you think, idiot? He sighed and gestured toward the ramen. "You know what to do, then." He turned on the TV, content to watch whatever drivel they were churning out if it brought some semblance of normalcy to the situation that would allow the last Hatake to consume something.
Jesus Christ. He's skin and bones. How is no one else seeing this?
In the half an hour they ate in silence, Kakashi managed to finish just over half the bowl. His pale face managed to regain some color, but was offset by the uneasiness in his eyes and body language.
"Why do you do it? This has been going on for a couple years now. Is it—" he gesticulated towards his body— "Is it your body? How it looks? I've seen your face. We both know you'd have all the girls and boys following you everywhere if you took off the mask."
"I don't know what you're talking about. I don't even have a face under the mask. You of all people should know that it's just smooth, blank skin. I don't even have a mouth."
"..."
"...The question still stands, Kakashi."
"No." Kakashi replied so quietly that if Genma wasn't listening for a reply he probably would have missed it. Kakashi wrapped his arms around him, his body language showing a rare moment of vulnerability.
"It's more like... I feel like I don't need it. The most efficient allocation of resources for the m..." His voice trailed off in a whisper as Genma's eyebrows reached for the stratosphere. Kakashi flinched, almost folding in on himself. "Please," Genma whispered, "Can you elaborate on that?" Kakashi's eyes flicked down to his knuckles, and Genma knew he was out of luck.
Still, it was pretty good that Kakashi said anything at all. He wasn't expecting a response at all, which was why he was even more surprised when Kakashi found the courage to speak for the second time that night.
"I couldn't protect Minato-sensei. I couldn't save Obito. Even after I had expended all my reserves, Rin still killed herself on my hands because I couldn't do anything else." Taking a shuddering inhale, he dredged up the courage to keep speaking. "It just... if I couldn't. Save anybody. Then what would be the point of using village resources? It's clear that me using them is ineffective at best. Someone else could use them better."
"Kakashi, Konoha isn't in a food shortage. I know you know somewhere in that knuckleheaded brain of yours that eating more than a few gusts of air and a ration bar a day isn't going to rob someone else of their meal. But I know you don't see it that way, so I'm going to try to appeal to the logical side of you." Genma leaned forward and put one hand on his shoulder, and cupped his chin with the other to make sure Kakashi was looking him in the eye when he spoke. "Starving yourself isn't healthy. Your brain starts to cannibalize itself when you don't eat enough. You stop thinking clearly, and your reflexes dull. By depriving yourself of something so inconsequential and basic, you are putting yourself, your teammates, and your mission at risk. You are putting Konoha at risk. The benefits of consuming the resources you desperately need far outweigh the cost to your mind and your body and your village. I don't mean to pressure you. Really, I don't. In fact, some of this blame can be laid on me, because I'm the one who let it fester for so long without reporting it. I had faith that you would come out of this yourself, but if this takes any longer I will be forced to report it. This is unhealthy, and you are unhealthy. You know how this ends. We can make a meal plan together. It'll be fun. Please, please...try and take care of yourself. I care about you, dammit."
Kakashi couldn't breathe. He couldn't see. The last thing he wanted was more people caring about him, as they tended to die fairly soon after. He wrenched free from Genma's hold in a blind panic and very nearly missed throwing up all over one of the last few people who ever cared about him. Vaguely, he felt someone rubbing his back as he retched out what seemed to be pure stomach acid onto the floor. He still couldn't breathe. Gasping for air with the whole world spinning around him, he felt strong hands right himself just as he was about to face plant on the ground. Kakashi could hear Genma trying to get him to slow down breathing, but he could not for the life of him slow down. Frantically, he tried to convey his message through fragments of speech in between gasping breaths. "Please...you'll die. Leave, leave before... you die. Please, no, no, no... oh god...I can't. Not again. Not like...not like them" he choked desperately.
"Shinobi. Report."
Kakashi snapped to attention, reflexes taking over. Finally, Genma managed to coach him through some breathing exercises and his heartbeat started to slow down. As the adrenaline wore off, the exhaustion started to seep in. Genma pulled him into a hug, still rubbing circles on his back and mumbling into his shoulder. "I'm sorry, I know you don't like hugs, but... you had me really worried there." They stayed in the embrace until Kakashi's breathing finally slowed to normal.
He mumbled "thanks, Kaa-san." Genma flicked him on the forehead. "Hey!"
Neither of them mentioned the tear streaks dripping down Kakashi's face or Genma's uniform.
"Kakashi... We are shinobi. We all die."
"Not like that. Everyone who's ever cared about me ever has died. My father, Minato-sensei, Kushina-san, Rin, Obito... everyone. I can't...I can't lose you too. I'm Friend-Killer Kakashi." He could feel his heartbeat speeding up again, his thoughts starting to tangle, his throat burning, burning, burning...
Carefully telegraphing his movements, Genma put his arms back around Kakashi's shoulders and guided him through breathing exercises until he was able to stop choking on his own breaths.
Of course, Kakashi, you stupid fuck, he was nice enough to bring dinner and all I did was collapse on him like the mess I am. Did I even offer him something to drink? I can't even think of something to say, how long do you think he's gonna keep coming back if you pull shit like this? I'm such a piece of shit, I'm not the only one affected by Sensei and Kushina-san's death, this is so stupid and selfish, he's four years older than me and has his own problems to deal with that aren't stupid idiots named Kaka—
Genma cleared his throat, effortlessly cutting through his mental gibbering. Wow, how does he do that? "Let's rinse your mouth out and get something to tide you over for the night. I think you need some sleep. Do you have any crackers? Here, drink some water, it'll help your stomach feel better. Wake me up if you need anything, I'll just be on the couch."
Genma's rambling was almost soothing, and Kakashi found himself on autopilot until he was more or less ushered into bed.
In the morning, he found a clean floor, a note, and some onigiri with some apple slices. "if you don't finish these, I will know. I had an early mission, but take it easy for a bit. Tenzō will be by later with some groceries. See you soon."
:: :: ::
Genma sighed. He didn't actually have to leave until that afternoon, but he wanted to go to the library to follow up on his suspicions. This had been going on for three years now, but Kakashi had never had a panic attack like that before. Well, not in front of him. I thought this would pass with time, but he looks too thin for this to just be a result of the Anniversary. Has he gotten.…worse? Bringing him meals after missions every couple weeks isn't enough anymore. Is this….is this an eating disorder? In the beginning, it had seemed like Kakashi was just forgetful. But recently, it was clear that he was doing it on purpose, and he now had a motive. Shinobi were no strangers to self-destruction, but they usually had anchors to stop them from going too far or (in the case they didn't) would eventually be pulled from active duty and go to Psych.
Gai had even noticed a few months back that Kakashi seemed kind of down. At this point, it was routine for Genma to visit, and one day Gai had pulled him aside. "Genma. My Eternal Rival does not look to be doing so well. I worry for him, but he is not very receptive and I do not wish to pry. Do you know what has happened?"
His lips twitched. Receptive, thy name is not. "I don't know, Gai. As we both know, he's not great at taking care of himself, and has been taking a lot of brutal missions with ANBU. Maybe take him out to lunch after you guys finish a challenge?"
"My Eternal Rival has been looking a little thin, lately. I will need to remind him that he cannot stay Youthful if he is not taking care of himself!"
Kakashi was far too good at lying and also far too good at his job for anything less than a full breakdown to get pulled from active duty. That little shit would probably go down kicking and screaming if they removed him from active duty as well. "Anorexia nervosa is characterized by a refusal to maintain a healthy weight...often motivated to lose weight due to inaccurate self-image...low self-esteem...symptoms include..."
Refusal to maintain a healthy weight? It seemed so. Motivation to lose weight? Unlikely. Kakashi knew that his job required Big Muscles. Inaccurate self-image seemed to be a wash as well. All ninja were very aware of their own bodies. He wasn't sure about Kakashi's self-esteem either. There were also symptoms listed for severe malnutrition, but it didn't seem to have progressed that far. What was far more damning, however, was that the longer the patient had it, the less likely they would be able to make a full recovery. It had already been three years since Minato and Kushina had died.
Genma sighed. It was already time to go bother Tenzō. What he found at the library was inconclusive, but gave him some new things to worry about.
:: :: ::
"Tenzō. I have to leave for a mission, but would you mind dropping off some groceries for Kakashi? Here's some money, just get him some healthy stuff."
"Is senpai okay? Is he sick? Why does he need somebody to bring him groceries?"
"No, he should be fine. He's just going through a bit of a rough patch right now, and I wanted to help him out."
"Thanks, Genma. Good luck on your mission. I'll keep an eye on senpai."
It was an open secret that the Copy Ninja was kind of depressed. No one said anything about it, but when you were all in the same Top Secret Murder Club it was hard to miss. Everyone in ANBU was some flavor of fucked up, so it was sort of an unwritten rule to never ever talk about feelings. Genma hated the culture, knew it wasn't conducive to mental well-being, but he could understand not wanting to talk about things. He was the "parent" in their little friend group, so he just tried to support his comrades however he could.
He sighed, putting his thoughts and worries in the "later" corner of his brain to focus on the mission. Time to go.