Chapter 3: Story Time with G1
"You've done a lot, right?" Ruby asked me hesitantly.
"Yeah…Why…?"
"Could you tell us a story?"
"A story?"
"Well…Yeah! You three are like superheroes!" I turn to Johnny and Storm, silently saying "You hear this shit?" They just shrugged.
"Fine. One story then we call it a day."
"Yay!" The fifteen year old cheered. I walk towards the auditorium and gave her a come-hither motion with my hand. "Hold on. I'll go get everyone." She dashed off in a flurry of rose petals. Excellent. Time to prepare. I stop time and get to work. What would normally take several hours was only a few seconds irl. Bookshelves, a stool, mics, speakers, the whole nine yards. I was in a suit looking quite dapper. I'm still getting used to the fact that I have white streaks in my hair now thanks to Zeltrech's little gift. I had a problem when I found a tiny white patch on the side of my head when I was thirteen. I had a book in my hand when I released my hold on time and waited for everyone to show up while sitting on my stool.
"Ah…You've arrived…"
"It's been five minutes! How could you set all of this up?!" Oh Issei…You poor, poor thing…
"Do you not remember that he can effectively stop time? You're more of a dunce than Ruby." Damn, Weiss. Dat burn do…
"Before you two start fighting, let him talk."
"Thank you Winter. Now, let me find the page." I flipped to a random page in the empty book. "Ah, here it is. This happened many years ago."
*Flashback Begins*
I'm just sitting in Devil May Cry, resting my eyes as I wait for a phone call. In other words, a regular day at the office. Out of nowhere, there's a sound that's similar to shattering glass. I lifted the gaming magazine off of my face and looked out the window. There was a swirling vortex of stuff just hanging around outside.
"Well…That ain't right…Well, I've got nothing better to do than check this thing out." The magazine found a new home somewhere on the floor as I got up from my desk and walked out the door. The strange existence definitely has my attention and I did the only reasonable thing to do in that situation. I poked it with a stick.
*Flashback Pause*
"You poked it with a stick!? G1, why!?"
"Because I could, Johnny. If there's any objections, speak now or forever hold your piece." Nothing was said so I continued.
*Flashback Resumes*
Once I poked it, it started pulling me towards it. This is going to be a wonderful day, isn't it? The inside of the thing was surprisingly colorful despite the black exterior. I got spit out near a tall building. I tossed the stick to the side and stretched a bit before looking around. A voice coming from near the building spoke out.
"So…who's Dante over there?" I turn to the voice to see it was Neptune. No Storm or anybody, so I want to assume this is another dimension. Huh…That's kind of odd. Neat, but odd.
"Hey! Who are you?" In my musings, they had gotten closer to me. It was this world's Noire that was asking.
"So…My name is Steven…" After I finished introducing myself, the entirety of my welcome wagon was up at arms and had their weapons pointed at me. Is that Noble? "Woah, woah, woah! Woah! I'm not some bad guy!" I called out, slightly in a panic. They lowered their weapons, but looked like they were still on guard. "You know what? For the sake of you all not confusing me with whatever villain you're dealing with, call me G1."
"How did you get here?" The tsundere asked.
"I decided to poke a rift in space-time with a stick…Not my proudest moment…" Sometime during our talk, we walked into what I'd assume is this buildings living room.
"Now what do we do?" Vert asked. There was footsteps approaching us. Plutie was walking in and Histoire floated beside her. The tiny fairy started to speak.
"We were able to get in contact with Tehg's dimension…" Tehg? "We found Bryce…not the one that Steven has control of," This motherfucker is giving me a bad name. Little bastard… "but one that split from him when we fought Arfoire."
"Um…Wat…?"
"And this means…" Neptune started.
"We may be able to get Bryce to help get Bryce free…That sounded a lot better in my head." Histoire said. So this is what Johnny feels like when he gets ignored.
*Pause*
"Fuck you, G1!"
"You know I don't roll that way!" I had been flipping through the pages as I read. I turn the book to show them the blank pages. "These pages are blank. I know it. Why am I lying to you?" As I spoke my question, I set the open book on my head, pages down like a hat. While some people were laughing, others just giving me questioning looks. Before they could voice their confusion, I continued.
*Resume*
A soldier ran into the room.
"Excuse me, but we have a problem."
"What is it?"
"Leanbox is under attack!"
"What!?" Exclaimed the leader of said nation. "We need to go! Now!" Those of us who could transform, did. We grabbed the ones who couldn't and carted them to the island nation. When we got there, everything was on fire and the little soon-to-be bloodstain was enjoying his handiwork.
"Ahh…I love the smell of destruction in the morning…or evening…" That's around the time we touched down.
"Steven!" Vert roared.
"Ah, Thunder Tits…It's good to see you. Oh, and you too, Board." He said, turning to Blanc half way through.
"You son of a b-"
"Look, it's been fun and all, but…I'm afraid this is where we part ways." The wanna-be said, drawing his sword. That's adorable…I stick my hand out to stop the others from advancing.
"Don't worry, I got this."
"He'll kill you." Noire said worried.
"Ha! Me? Dying? That's cute. I'm gonna show this asshole what happens to whoever gives Stevens a bad name." I turn away from the girls and their human(?) friends and towards the douche-nozzle. "Let's dance!" We advance towards each other, weapons drawn.
*Pause*
"Excuse me." I take the book off of my head, lick my finger, turned the page, and replaced the leather-bound object. There was more laughter and manly giggles.
*Resumes*
He brought his sword down for an overhead swing. I blocked it with two blades from Lucifer, and pushed him away. I then flung the two short swords, along with a multitude of others. He either dodged them or tanked through them like it was no big deal. Good. He punched me in the gut after teleporting in front of me. That hurt a bit. Didn't matter though, because it didn't stop me from throwing even more blades. Dumbass still hasn't noticed the setup.
"Dark Fissure!" Steven shouted as his blade turned pitch black. He slammed it into the ground, creating a shockwave as a fissure opened up. I jumped out of the way and threw three final blades his way. I mentally commanded the blades that were floating in the air to soar at him and they struck home. I tossed the rose that was resting in between my lips and the blades exploded. From the resulting dust, he walked out relatively unscathed.
"Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me…!"
'This…is going to suck…' Dante said inside my mind.
"You believe a trick like THAT is going to do jack shit against me? I applaud you…However, this fight is over." He said, once more grasping his sword.
"Nope." I activated Devil Trigger. "It's just getting started!" We kept at it for a while. I was constantly switching Devil Arms to try and get an advantage.
'Come on! I have a weapon that can kill gods! What the shit!?'
'I think it's because we aren't the Black Susano'o Unit.' Mental conversation aside, I'm down on one knee, still Triggered. I'm just glad I keep some Gold Orbs on me in case I do actually die.
"I honestly don't see how you could win right now…It stopped being funny about twenty minutes ago…" He said in a disappointed tone.
"Because…Fuck you…" I said, panting as I supported myself with Alastor while trying to stand.
'Good God, what's with the fourth wall right now?'
"STEVEN!" Came a shout from my back left. I turn to face it out of instinct. I hate sharing a name with someone in the same general area as me. And it's even spelled the same!
"Oh, if if isn't the bounty hunter. Tell me, how is the Assasin's Creed franchise's MC doing?"
"You dead." I deadpanned, knowing what he was getting at. (Not really, but that's what On3gde wrote so I'm rolling with it)
"I'll kill you!" He shouted. "Fallen Armageddon!" The guy transformed. His hair turned pitch black, his eyes dark grey, and he grew two sets of leathery black wings.
"Ah…So you have the power of a fallen god? That's hilarious. I killed a god."
'Ha! I've done it three times!'
'Dante, those were the demonic equivalents…'
'Bah! Whatever…'
"Well, almost, if it wasn't for Mr. Maibigbutt over there."
"Did you forget about me?" I said, drawing my twin pistols.
"No. No I didn't." He responded, snapping his fingers. For some reason, both mine and this other guy's transformations deactivated.
"What!? How!?" My ally shouted.
"Because fuck you." He said while smirking at me.
"Why don't you come back when you have some original material?"
"I'm done fooling around. Out of my way." Steven said, waving his hand to the side. Like what happens to Sam and Dean when they're dealing with demons, we were sent into a wall and pinned there. He made a claw with his hand and brought it towards himself. Vert flew in his direction as what looked like a force field appeared, separating us from the two of them.
"Let this be the end of the show!" The asshat shouted. He brought up the sword and plunged it into Vert's neck. I don't think he noticed that the blade turned a cyan color at the last second. When it connected, her body exploded into pixels.
"Vert…" My wall-mate whimpered.
"You bastard!" Was my response to this thing's transgressions.
"You son of a bitch!" Steven shouted while punching himself in the head. "When you're dead, you stay dead dammit!" Okay…He's bat shit…
"Get back here!" I called out as he started to walk away.
"I'll retreat for now, but I'll make sure this doesn't happen again." He said as he flew off. The two of us dropped to the ground and my fellow captive ran over to the mass of floating particles.
"Vert!" He shouted, pain in his voice and tears running down his face. Things were kind of fuzzy from there. Words became jumbled noises and my vision became blobs of color. I felt an arm or two move mine and my feet left the ground. By the time we got to our destination, I was recovered enough to have my senses return to normal. The first thing I did when we landed was hobble over to couch, flopped onto it, pulled out a large Vital Star, and chowed down on it.
"Are you eating a rock?" Noire asked. From the strained look on her face, she was the one who carried me. I'm not exactly light.
"Kinda sorta…It's more like rock candy that heals you. It's lime flavored, too!" Taking one last bite, I felt great. Full stamina recovery is good. The super sad guy, whose name is Nona if I'm remembering correctly, handed Histoire a tube that the pixels were in. she spent some time analyzing the container's contents before giving us her report.
"It seems that she's in a sealed state, like the one Bryce uses."
"What do we do now? Vert is gone, and everything else is going to Hell." Andrew(?) asked.
"We need to make sure the other nations are okay. Blanc, Noble, and Andrew, you head to Lowee and take care of the nation. Noire, you and G1 will do the same with Lastation." Histoire ordered.
"Yes ma'am!" I said, standing at attention and saluting the sentient book.
"Good luck." We all left the purple building to head our separate ways. Once we reached the border of Lastation, Noire decided to start a conversation.
"What do you think of my nation?"
"The smog's a bit overwhelming, but other than that it looks great." We landed on the balcony of her Basilicom and deactivated our transformations.
"Do you want something to drink?"
"I only drink the blood of my enemies! And occasionally a strawberry Yoo-hoo."
"What!?"
"It's…It's a reference to something back home. Just forget I said anything."
"Done." When she said that a soldier walked in.
"Lady Black Heart, here are the reports of all the damages." She took the documents and dismissed the guard before she started to read them. As she did, I heard an engine revving. I looked out the window to see it was Bryce. How could it not be? Looked too much like the little version that Plutie and Neptune look after. He came in, needing some of Noire's energy. I took that as my cue to leave.
"I'll be back." Mandatory Schwarzenegger reference made, I took off to where I could feel the current number one person on my shit-list was. It was where the four nation's borders met. Pretentious bitch…I got there to see several others. Some of them looked familiar but there were a few new faces. They were already fighting. He was in the middle of a sword clash when I ran up and shot him in the back with my double-barrel.
"Argh!" Was the pain filled response my actions got. We did that for quite a while, hitting him in the back while one of us distracted him. He eventually got fed up with us and disabled the transformations of those of us that activated them.
"I'm going to enjoy this!" I stood in front of the group I the Royal Guard stance, aiming to at least soften the blow. He was about to let loose his attack but then hesitated.
"Huh?" Was all that came from the villain. Suddenly, music started playing out of nowhere. His face contorted from confused to pissed as Bryce ran towards us. The villain of the day shot blasts of darkness at the approaching teen, who cut through them easily. With that happening, he went back to attacking us. We held our ground for a bit, but by the time On3dge's OC made it to us, me, Tehg, and Andrew were the only ones not on a knee.
"Bryce!?" Tehg and Andrew shouted in surprise.
"Sup?" I said in response to his arrival.
"Talk later. Now we finish the fight." No Bryce. You are not Master Chief.
"Let's go." Alex said as he shakily stood up.
"How? Our attacks aren't doing anything. It's just pissing him off." Chris said, a bit perturbed.
"Your sword seems to be the only thing that can hurt him, Bryce…If only we could use that power on our weapons…" Garland said, basically hoping for a miracle.
"We've got you covered. Bryce, you know what to do." Tehg ordered. Bryce nodded in confirmation.
"Guardian's Enchant!" With his shout, our weapons were coated in a cyan aura. "So, plan of attack. Garland, you cover us. Tamazaki and Alex will act as decoys for a bit. Chris, Tehg, and I will go in for the attack."
"And if more monsters show up?" Asked Tehg.
"Then Andrew and Steven will take care of them." We split up and did our jobs. A massive hoard of monsters came at us from behind and I drew Pandora. Time for some crowd control. After putting in the right combination, I wielded not one, not two, not even four, but EIGHT Gatling guns. Four for each hand.
"Compensating for something?"
"Nope. There's just no kill like overkill." The two of us went to town. Over the hail of gunfire I could hear Alex cheer. After that though, Steven gets up out of the tiny crater with only superficial wounds.
"Oh, come on!" I'm so done with this guy. One million percent done.
"Guys…I have a plan…but there's a catch…Well…two…" Bryce said in between pants.
"And those are?" My murder buddy asked.
"I need a partial amount of your powers. That also means…I'll be fighting by myself." Bryce responded. We all turn to each other, silently communicating with each other. I just shrugged my shoulders. We turned back to him and nodded our heads.
"Alright…We're ready." We circled around him as he took out the card from his watch. Each of us raised a hand, and an orb of energy flew from our hands to the floating card. The resulting energies made the card change.
"So…" Soldier Boy started. "How are you holding up?"
"Well…I found out my mortal enemy killed my girlfriend, I'm on a lot of deadpan inducing drugs, which activating this should wipe from my system, and I'm about three milliseconds from snapping." He vented to us.
"…Give him Hell." I said. That's really the only thing to say in this situation. That's when he left for his final battle. "Hey guys, bad time and all, but do any of you wanna make a bet?"
"A bet on what? Which one will win?" Tamazaki asked like I just went full retarded. (Never go full retarded)
"Nah. Let's bet on how long it'll take for him to wipe the floor with Steven. I'll put a thousand Credits on three minutes."
"Oh…I'll take that action." The others joined in. the times ranged from one minute to ten. As we watched and the fighting picked up, I pulled out Ouroburos.
"Our powers are out. What do you plan to do?" Chris questioned.
"My powers may be out, but Ouroburos' powers aren't."
"That…that makes sense…" An explosion went off.
"Time?" I asked.
"Two minutes fifty eight seconds." Tehg said, looking at the stopwatch he set up on his phone.
"Pay up, bitches!" They handed me the money they owed me as we approached the wasteland. When we got there, Bryce was on his knees. I got under him and hefted him over my shoulder. "Come on, kid. Let's get you home." When we got back to Planeptune's Basilicom, we had a welcoming committee.
"Bryce!"
"Plutia!?" He exclaimed as I set him down. After a while of just hanging out, those of us who could drink shared a beer, and Bryce sent us home. After I exited the portal, my housemates were waiting for me.
"Where have you been?" Vert asked.
"Oh, you know…Places…" I said, more than a bit tired.
"There are some leftovers from dinner in the microwave. Why don't you have that before you go to bed?"
"Yeah…That sounds like a good idea, Gear." The leftovers consisted of meatloaf and mashed potatoes with corm on the cob. Yum.
"Are you going to tell us about it?" With my mouth full of food I nodded while pointing at the calendar. "Tomorrow?" I nodded once more, answering the big busted goddess. The rest of the night before I went to sleep was spent eating and making small talk. I went up to my room, flopped onto the bed, and passed out.
*Flashback End*
"And that, ladies and gentlemen, was one of my several interdimensional exploits." There were applauses and a standing ovation or two. "Now let's go to bed. We've got a big day ahead of us."
"It's just a party. Why is it so important?" Winter asked.
"Well, it'll also be the day we try to get back to our respective realities."
"And how do you plan to do that?" Qrow slurred drunkenly.
"With these, of course." I raise Yamato and take the Perfect Amulet out from underneath my shirt. "Yamato can create a rift in space-time and the Perfect Amulet can turn it into a Hellgate. From there, we can use Hell as a nexus of sorts to try get home."
"Huh…Neat…" The older scythe wielder said as he stumbled off. Everyone slowly followed his example. I left everything for someone else to clean up. Hopefully it's Issei. Drown in eternal suffering, you damn pervy bastard. I grab a pair of shorts from the dresser, walk into the bathroom, and change into them. Shirtless, I crawled into bed and soon felt a familiar silk feeling on my back.
"So we're really gonna go home tomorrow, huh?"
"Why do you sound so disappointed, Neptune?"
"Just thinking about some things…" I rolled over to face her.
"Nepgear went to hang out with Uni and the twins for a while. Wanna talk about it?" She rolled over to face me.
"*sigh*…I don't think I should be Planeptune's CPU anymore…" Oh shit…Um…What do I do here? I don't know what to do here! How do I handle this!? You know what, fuck it. Time to wing it.
"Why do you say that?" First part of fixing any problem is identifying the problem. "You're Neptune. You're the awesome main character."
"And because of who I am I'm leading my nation to ruin." This is definitely a different Neptune than most. "I don't want to do that to my people…"
"What are you going to do, then?"
"There's really only one thing I can do: Give my position of CPU to Nepgear."
"What would happen to you?"
"I'm pretty sure you're smart enough to know already." Oh no…Hell no! There's no way I'm going to let someone die. Not on my watch, dammit!
"I'm not going to let you die."
"That's the only way though."
"I'll find a way, Neptune. I'm not going to let you throw your life away." Before we could continue, Nepgear walked in.
"Hey! What were you two talking about?" She sounds innocent, but she heard. She heard everything. You could tell be her posture and the subtle lines on her face.
"Nothing important, junior. Now go to bed. Our big journey starts tomorrow!" Neptune's attitude did a one-eighty when her sister walked in.
"Oh…Okay…" Since Neptune's back was to me again, I pulled out my phone and shot Gear a text. It said: we'll talk 'bout what you heard later, O.K.?" She responded with: Okay… :(
"Good night, you two."
"Good night, Stevie." With her back now pressed against mine once more, I fell asleep.
I hope you liked my rendition of part of On3dge's story. I tried my hardest to make it my own a bit while keeping it to his canon. The book jokes I got from Bo Burnham. Great comedian. Go watch his special What. Now, the chapter title deserves a bit of explaining. You see, before I post these, I read them to Storm and Johnny. After the first few times, every time I went to read they said that it was story time with G1. I felt that this was the only fitting title given this chapter's contents.