Chapter 3- It's not Rome, but….

"Where to next?" Timothy inquired as he drove.

Jude looked back at him but didn't make an effort to reply. He sighed. He'd been trying to get her to talk for several hours and she hadn't made a sound. Timothy was understandably disappointed about this, but was relieved she was at least she making eye contact with him again when he spoke. That was a marked improvement.

"You know Jude…if we're going to go and live somewhere together, then I would really like your opinion….where should we go? North? South? West?…Drive into the ocean?" He laughed.

Jude still didn't say anything, she barely even made a face at him, she just continued to stare back, a hint of fear in her brown eyes. He reasoned with himself that at least she was no longer completely catatonic. She studied him now as she stared, and before she'd just gazed, her eyes drilling into him as though she weren't even present within her body.

"It's alright Jude. You don't have to answer. Not until you're ready." He said, all kidding aside.

Timothy pat her knee, and finally rested his hand there, squeezing it ever so gently. Jude looked down, turning her attention to his hand, watching carefully as he squeezed her knee in careful reassurance. His thumb traced gently over the edge of her kneecap. Jude shivered at the feeling of his touch, the simple grazing of her knee seeming so personal. She closed her eyes, letting out a little gasp as his hand slid gracefully up the length of her thigh and under the hem of her skirt…

"Jude did you say something?" He asked, excited for a split second until he realized she'd just been breathing loud or sighing maybe. She hadn't been attempting to say anything.

Timothy's words brought Jude back to the present. She was immediately disappointed that he hadn't really been tracing his hand along her thigh and up under the hem of her dress, she'd been sure he had been. Feeling more disillusioned than ever, she shook her head, hoping to part with the shameful desire that she knew could never become reality.

Timothy sighed. Her silence was bothering him. Had she not wanted him to take her away? To save her? Or was she just irreparably damaged…if she was he blamed himself. Timothy tried to concentrate on the road now. Although he'd asked her where she wanted to go he was driving Northeast. He'd briefly considered going south and getting lost in the biggest city in the world…but then he realized that the choice didn't fit the host of considerations he had to keep in mind.

First, Jude wasn't mentally well. They needed space for her to rest and recover and that would take quiet, tranquility and privacy. Second; if he was going to retire so young and not realize his dreams of the papacy, he might as well go to a place where he could relax and live his life simply…a place where that pension he'd gotten from the Church could go as far as he could make it go…. Finally, he knew that until Mary Eunice was brought down, it was best that they go somewhere where they would not be found by her or anyone else.

"Jude I hope you don't have any objection to Maine…that's where I've decided to take us…I don't know if you've ever been up there. It's beautiful this time of year." He swallowed nervously.

It seemed like he was talking to himself now and that made him feel like he was going to loose his mind. He wanted to hear her voice in the worst way, teasing him, chiding with him, conceding to him…he didn't care what she chose to say, just as long as she spoke.

"I stayed up there once…in a quaint little cabin…out in the middle of no where…" He continued.

Timothy had loved the retreat he'd taken there and at the time, he wished he could've stayed. The idea of living off the land had appealed to him, it was one of the reasons he'd emigrated from England in the first place. Now he was going to get his chance…and it was oddly thrilling to him.

"I loved it…the way the crisp, fresh air filled my lungs, the idea of being miles away from the city…from people. Being able to fish and live off the land…its life as God intended for man. It's not the Vatican." He added, taking her hand in his own once again and lifting it up to kiss it. "But I think it would be good for us. I know it will help you be alright…Please…talk. Give your input Jude…" He interrupted her still reeling thoughts and she turned to stare back up at him once more. "It's just you and me now. You have nothing to fear, it's alright. Tell me what you think, it's our life."

…

'It's our life.' He'd just said. Our life…Jude wondered what kind of life he intended to make with her. She longed to ask more specific questions about where they were going but found she could not even when she tried. Several hours passed and she grew cold, wrapping a blanket she'd found around her tightly. She had so many questions for Timothy, about how he thought they were going to live, about what he was going to do with her and why it was that as a Priest, he owned a Jaguar…. But because she could not speak all of them went unanswered.

As safe as she felt with him, Jude also felt more venerable than she ever had in her whole life. He was the powerful one in the relationship and always had been, but now she couldn't even talk and he was taking her away from everything she knew. It even occurred to her that he could just dispense with her and no one would ever know…or care.

"Hey, hey Jude. Wake up! I have a surprise for you." Timothy smiled, gently shaking her awake.

Jude looked around frightened at first, realizing that she must have fallen asleep again. That was happening an awful lot now that she was stuck dwelling in her own mind, unable to break free and communicate with others. She didn't much care for it. She wanted to talk to Timothy as much as he wanted her to talk, maybe more.

"Guess what I did while you were asleep." He smiled, leaning down to talk to her, she still sat in the car and he was standing right outside her open door, she could tell that he was preparing to help her out.

Timothy was proud and hoped she'd like his surprise, that he'd understand he'd done this for her. Jude tilted her head slightly to the right, doing her best to indicate that she didn't know what he was talking about. Timothy simply smiled and took her hand in his own as he helped her out the car. Jude felt a little wobbly as he brought her to her feet, sensing this, he wrapped his arm around her waist to ensure her steadiness. She reached out, clinging to his arms for the strength to stand.

Jude looked up at the place he'd brought her, confused at first by the lone cabin before her. What was this one cabin doing in the middle of the woods and whose house was it? The idea of it scared her a little and she stepped back, tripping over Timothy's foot. But, he caught her again, keeping her from falling to the ground and pulling her back in close to him.

She stared up at him for a few seconds, her eyes locked with his. Jude almost screamed when she felt Timothy lift her into his arms, completely unexpectedly.

"Welcome to our new home Jude, don't be scared. I've got you."

…

Jude had been fast asleep when Timothy had finally driven into the tiny town he'd been headed toward for many hours. It was close to the place where he'd taken a retreat many years before and had wanted to stay. At the time, he'd even considered leaving the priesthood behind to stay there, feeling a little tug in his heart when he finally decided on going home. He'd never imagined in a million years that he would come back there one day…with a woman.

Timothy went into the town's general store as Jude slept, hoping only to be directed to a hotel they could stay at for a few days, when instead he saw an advertisement for a cabin for sale. He ripped the page from the store's bulletin board, inspecting it carefully. It was a small, broken down old place. Timothy could tell by both the picture and the price that it was a dump…but it was remote, on a private lake…it was a solution he thought he could rely on for the foreseeable future…at least while Jude recovered and they were hiding from Mary Eunice.

Two hours later, Timothy carried Jude over the threshold of the broken down house, having no idea what he would find inside, only that he wouldn't put her down until he found a safe place to do so.

"I'm sorry if it's a little dreary." He said, because it was.

The house was dark and had obviously been neglected for some time. In fact, the place was a wreck, just as he'd suspected it would be, but Timothy was pleasantly surprised that it was warm, somewhat furnished and clean enough to live in…save a little dust. That was all they needed. He gently sat Jude down in an armchair by the fireplace, wishing that she could speak, that she could truly share this moment with him.

"It's not Rome but the good news is that it certainly isn't Briarcliff." He began, sitting on the footstool across from her chair.

She stared off into space but he grabbed her chin, directing her gaze back to him. Her eyes widened and he could tell she was afraid. He let go of her chin and instead cupped her cheek in his hand warmly.

"It's dreary, it needs work. It needs furniture. But it's ours. And we'll do this together. We'll fix it up." He reassured, kissing her hand. "And we'll be happy here. You deserve a little bit of happiness Jude."

The house was small, but not too small. The kitchen and living space was just one big room with a dining table and the armchair he'd sat Jude in to rest. He found that she was becoming increasingly disconnected from him again and left her, to wait for him in as he explored the remainder of the house.

Timothy realized he was a fool for buying a house that he'd never seen. He knew it would be drafty, and that the roof would leak, but so far, he liked what he saw. He found a ladder that led up to a small but cozy loft in the front corner of the living space. Finally, he knew that there were several bedrooms, it was a big reason he'd taken the place, there could be a room for him, and one for Jude…that was only proper, after all…this was when Timothy found himself with a rather awkward problem.

The upside was that the house was far more…sizable than he maybe anticipated at first…there were four bedrooms. For the life of him he didn't know what he would do with that space. But out of four bedrooms, just one of them, the largest one, had a bed…which met that he and Jude would have to share.

Timothy was not sure how Jude would feel about this. Their normal circumstances; that they were a Priest and Nun, no longer really mattered so much, but he still considered that sharing a bed with her when they weren't married would be sinful. He fully realized that Jude had had a thing for him before, and thought that perhaps, if she were in her right mind, they could make this work…but he feared that trying to share a bed with her in her agitated state might terrify her, and make her think that he had intentions that went beyond sleep…

This, of course reminded him of his own agitation. Timothy had spent the last couple of days so hyper-focused on fleeing and on keeping Jude safe that he hadn't had time to reflect on the fact that he'd just been ripped from his own life and more profoundly, that he'd just been raped.

But, now that he was the proud owner of this ramshackle home in the middle of nowhere, sharing a bed with a woman who was not his wife, the reality that he was no longer a priest and his purity was gone, really hit him. The prospect that he'd once again have to share a bed with a woman...that made him extremely nervous. He didn't even know quite how he felt about the rape. He hadn't had time to reflect on it, as the experience had opened his eyes to the abuse that Jude was receiving and so, instead of dealing with his own feelings, he'd channeled them into saving Jude from Mary Eunice and Briarcliff. He knew, that he felt violated, dirty and completely sin-filled. But there was something else, several other feelings turned his stomach, and would, for the foreseeable future, remained unreconciled in his mind.

Timothy looked back at Jude, who still sat in the chair, staring off into space. He came out of the long hallway from what would be their bedroom, finding his newest realization painfully ironic: if he were ever going to relinquish his virtue to anyone, on purpose it would never have been Mary Eunice, even unprocessed…it probably would have been Jude. She was someone to whom his virtue would've met something. And in that instant, he added robbed to the litany of emotions running through his mind about his rape.

"Jude…Jude I think its time we settle in." He took a breath, collecting himself as he spoke to her. He bent down again in front of her chair and tried to get her attention. "I'm going to make us something to eat." He smiled, tucking her hair behind her ear. "You'll be glad to know, I'm actually a very good chef…you always cook for me, so it's my turn to make something for you." He smiled.

Timothy felt bad about the fact that she hadn't eaten much since he'd taken her from Briarcliff. The food there was slop, she had to be hungry. He knew even he was.

"And I figured, that while I make dinner…you could relax in a nice warm bath."

Jude needed a bath probably more than she needed anything else. She was filthy. He would've preferred to throw her in the shower, but she was far too weak, and he knew she'd hurt herself. Timothy pat her knee gently and went into the bathroom to fill the tub with warm water.

…

"Ahhhh!"

Jude was screaming and sobbing. She had the urge to yell 'get off of me!' but found that she could not no matter how hard she tried. All her attempts to speak were futile and she found herself punching and grabbing instead of speaking. Soon, Jude realized, that she could not fight back effectively either.

She'd known that this was all too good to be true and once he'd gotten her last layer of defense stripped away from her she broke down sobbing. She'd been through this kind of trauma once before in her life, many years before, and couldn't bear to experience it again. She shut her eyes, weaker now than when she started and braced herself for the inevitable assault, one she'd previously thought so unlikely from such a lovely man. Jude screamed again as she found herself being lifted upward but then stopped suddenly, confused when she felt her skin hitting warm water.

"Jude! Jude for heavens sake, it's just a bath!" Timothy sighed.

Jude was confused for a moment about what was happening, it wasn't until he spoke again that she caught on.

"Don't look at me like that; like you're all nervous and horrified."

Jude looked up at him in shock and tried to cover herself, not believing what he'd just done. Her heart beat rapidly in her chest and she was very surprised about where she'd ended up. The bath was just about the last place she'd thought he was taking her when he'd began to rip her clothes off, but then again, Jude wasn't exactly in her right mind.

"Well, at least the protesting lets me know you're still in there….somewhere. You deserve to be clean. It's a right. And I'm not going to let you be filthy any longer. A bath is going to be our first step in getting you back Jude and after that…your strength." He smiled, reassured he'd done the right thing now. "And then. Hopefully." He sighed. "Speech."

Timothy wondered how long it had been since she had had a bath, probably since she was still a nun. Mary Eunice had seen to it that everything a human needed for comfort be taken from Jude, even the right of being clean. She was filthy on top of everything else, which was why he'd just put her in a warm bath; despite her struggling with him over it. After she'd protested so much; he wasn't sure what he'd been thinking in forcing her to get in the bath. In hindsight, he'd realized it had really scared her.

"I'm sorry I put you thought all of that…I would've just thrown you in the shower Jude, but you're too weak for that. I'm sorry about that…it's a little indignant for me to to have just…unclothed you and you've already suffered so much indignity, but just know I-I just want you to have your dignity back…So soak for a while, relax, get clean, you deserve it…." He said, turning on the record player, which he'd brought into the room for her. "I'll be back to check on you, to help you get out because you're too weak for that too, and if you find that you can't wash your hair yourself just hand me the shampoo and I'll do it."

Jude reached up to touch her hair as soon as Timothy left, recognizing, especially now that it was a little wet, that it was matted and beyond filthy. Jude closed her eyes, enjoying the feel of the water soaking her skin. It seemed like it had been so long since she'd had a bath, she had almost forgotten what they felt like. She took a deep breath and went all the way under water, staying submerged for a moment, enjoying the feel of having the water overtake her completely. Jude felt her hair float above her and completely to the top of the water line.

"Jude?" He asked, walking back in the room. "Jude!" He panicked when he saw that she'd gone under the water and went directly to her side, reaching down into the water to pull her out. She smiled at him when she came back up and wiped the water out of her eyes.

"Oh I see." He said. "It felt good." She nodded and took another breath, slipping back under the water.

Timothy looked down at her, first noting that the previously clean tub had already been stained, a big brown ring of dirt clung to the perimeter. It made him sad to think that she'd really been that dirty. A few seconds later, Timothy noticed that he hadn't been staring at the ring of dirt, but at her, most specifically at the curve of her hip.

"Uh Jude…" He said nervously, breaking his gaze from her nude form and reaching back under the water to lift her up.

She was out of breath this time but wore a smile on her face.

"I told you the bath would feel better." He reassured. "I'll be back in a bit, but please, don't go under again."

Jude sighed and laid her head back against the back of the porcelain tub, deciding he was right. Timothy hurried out of the bathroom; ashamed for what had just transpired. He couldn't believe he'd just been sitting there staring at her body. He felt disturbed about this…like he'd sinned, like he'd violated her somehow…and at the same time; he felt almost happy with himself in some way. He supposed he'd been taken by surprise in seeing her like that…in anything but her regular black robes, much less…nude…he never thought she would've been so…

"Timothy, stop." He told himself. "It's not right; she's not in her right mind."

Timothy knew, deep down, that if she were in her right mind she'd be trying hard to not throw herself at him and probably failing. Timothy sighed; opening the box of her things he'd smuggled out of Briarcliff and hoping to find something for her to put on.

He'd helped Mary Eunice pack Jude's things before he had understood what was happening and all he remembered of her numerous possessions was that silky red slip. He had to admit it had been sort of stuck in his mind. It was the first thing that appeared when Timothy opened the box. He picked it up carefully, by the straps, scrutinizing it with a sharp eye and holding it a safe distance from himself. An onlooker might assume he was afraid of the thing. Timothy looked at it from its top all the way down to the slitted fringe hem; the red silk ran smoothly through his hands and within seconds he imagined her curves filling the gown and the space under his hands. Timothy dropped the gown quickly and began to look through the box again, hoping to find something…flannel.

But alas, Timothy could only find the one red slip. How did she not have something else? Briarcliff was freezing, especially at night. He dreaded the idea of seeing her in the thing; he cast it over his shoulder and knocked on the bathroom door.

"Jude?" He peaked inside and found her lying where he left her, this time a bar of soap floated in the tub.

Her eyes were still closed but she attempted to give him the bottle of shampoo with her shaky hand. Timothy put down the gown and got on his knees.

"It's alright Jude, I can do your hair."

It felt good to Jude, having Timothy run his hands through her hair. It had been so long since her hair had been washed, she couldn't articulate how wonderful it felt; not just to be clean, but also for the man she was in love with, to be caring for her in this way; it was exciting, and electrifying and sexy…and just a little scary.

Timothy had never really touched a woman's hair like this before; let alone washed it. Her long locks ran through his fingers and he couldn't help finding them beautiful. For a few minutes, all was well and he could tell his massaging her scalp was making her sublimely happy….but then he hit that sensitive part, around the end of her hairline where the electroshocks had been. Jude whimpered and tried to pull away but he kept her there, blood that had been dried and created various sores around her hairline were now freshly flowing once more because he'd disturbed them.

"Oh Jude." He said, leaning down and placing a sweet kiss on her forehead. "I know it hurts…but…I have to clean it; so it won't get infected, that's the last thing you need." Jude continued to cry as he scrubbed her hair and catered to her wounds. "I promise Jude, it'll be painful…with all you've been through; but I'm going to be here for you, and care for you and get you back to being you."

Jude opened her mouth to try to say something, but found herself unable to.

"That's okay Jude." He reassured. "You'll get there, two days ago you could barely make eye contact with me and now I'm sure you can understand what I'm saying. You don't know how relieved I am to know you're in there."

Timothy grabbed a towel and reached out for her hands, closing his eyes as he helped her up and wrapped the towel around her. She tripped, getting out and fell, her whole weight against him. She whimpered at first; thinking she'd fall.

"It's alright Jude. I've got you." He kissed her forehead. "And I know you're…you're mortified…" He acknowledged as he reached behind her to wring out her soaking wet hair. "But think of it this way. How much of your life have you spent taking care of me, making sure that I was getting where I was supposed to go? I think its my turn to do that for you; isn't it Jude?"