Welcome back, everyone! Now that I got the hang of writing fanfiction, I promise to make this series faster-paced. This is Chapter 3, where the first major story of "Area Man" will be told. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the copyrighted characters used in this story
I'm back in my dorm watching the finished pilot episode of "Area Man" me and Eric did. And I was surprised at how professional it looked, despite the fact that everything that can go crazy on a TV show did happen that night. And as for David and Karen, I was worried about what they'll do next, mainly because I forgot to tell you guys something very important last time: David and Karen are DFTV executives.
As for Eric, I haven't heard from him since which was probably for the best. If he continues to berate and ignore me, this show won't last long.
Then on January 16 on Diablo Films' version of "Pelly and Peak", something REALLY big happened. The day before, the N.Y Jets lost an emotional playoff game to the Steelers. Pelly and Peak came out, told people to buy their latest treasury of comics, and then tried to start the show… only to be interrupted by David and Karen talking about the Jets loss. Yes, they were STILL on that STUPID committee trip! David then tried to stop the committee and said to Karen "Am I on time?" But what Karen said shocked everyone.
"Actually David, you ARE on time. On time to be… DIVORCED!" Wait, just like that, their marriage is over?!
Then I went to do research on David and Karen's marriage. Turns out that things have been going south since last June, when they tried to go after Smarty Jones after HE lost the Triple Crown. As I looked through what they did on "Pelly and Peak" during the 7 months since Smarty Jones lost, I got more disguised. These are the people I was supposed to work with when David drafted me? These 2 are part of the DFTV brain trust that runs this place?
Things got worst later that night as I read the news online. It looks like the divorce was as bitter as Karen made it out to be, and those 2 are going to try to grab every cent they can. And I started to panic: What if this divorce creeps over onto the network shows? And what if they use that executive power they have? DFTV could come apart at the seams. Somehow, I HAD to calm them down and bring them back together, if only for the sake of the network.
But what about those committees? Could it be better if they stayed apart, les those stupid things come back? No, David and Karen would do that shit individually. So that meant the mission was clear: Reunite the Breaking Gang, then turn over that committee BS to the rest of the DFTV execs and let THEM deal with it. But how to do it?
The next day an idea came to me, from a very unusual source…
Later that day after grabbing supplies, I went to Eric's house and found… nothing. His mom Liane pointed me to the Area Man set, which surprised me. Hmmm, he's actually taking this show seriously…
At the set, I found him in the production truck. "Hey, Eric. Did you see the stuff about the Breaking Gang?"
"Yeah, yeah. Isn't it great? Now that they're divorced, I don't have to deal with their shit anymore!" Yep, he was in a good mood. But I popped that quickly.
"But Eric, they're network executives. You don't have to deal with them, right?"
"Hell yeah!"
"So this could mean you don't get paid."
I looked at Eric's shocked face. Good. I got to him. Now we wait for the explosion in 3…2…1…
"WHAT?! I WANT MY F-ING MONEY! What are we gonna do?"
"Calm down, Eric. What we're doing is getting them back together. And I think I found an unorthodox way to do it". I then pulled out a video tape and put it in the tape machine. On it was an episode of ESPN25, and it was a countdown of the worst teams of the past 25 years. I fast-forwarded to the 1980 New Orleans Saints and stopped the tape right before that piece started.
"Now pay attention" I said. "Some sports fans put paper bags over their heads to express their hatred of a bad team. Have you seen that personally?"
"On my school football team. Why?"
"Well, that originated right here." I played the Saints segment to Eric, and my idea can be summarized in a quote somebody said in that segment: "The fans wore the bags until the Saints won a game". And after 8 weeks, the Saints did win a game! So if that worked for sports fans, why not for stupid divorces? Yeah, it sounds silly, but it could be silly enough to work! Eric gave me his blessing (after I promised him he would get paid after we did this) and we were on our way. By our next episode filming the next day, we were ready.
SpaceCatz: "New Space Station"
On a space station hovering over the Russian capital of Moscow, two road signs prepare to launch their plan to revive the Russian Communist Party (otherwise known as the C.C.C.P). Their names are… Nbot and Bckope.
Nbot: Dah, this will be amazingly cool it will give everyone in our country goosebumps. This will awaken Soviet pride and start our new C.C.C.P!
Bckope: And uh, how, how will this station do it?
Nbot: No pitiful questions! We'll circumnavigate da world, and make everyone see how awesomely cool this is.
Bckope: Huh. That actually sounds bad-ass. Okay, starting up flight engines!
Nbot: GO!
And soon, the station zooms off! It soon zooms over Hawaii, and then over the U.S, but then…
Nbot: Oh, no no no, HELL NO! That American didn't just flip us off down below!
Bckope: Uh, which one? I can't see where.
Down on the ground below, we see who flipped them off… Liane Cartman!
Eric: You sure they saw that?
Liane: Trust me, poosie. They did.
Meanwhile on the station…
Nbot: Bckope, stop the station so that we may take our revenge!
Bckope: Uh, we're still beta testing the brakes on this station…
Nbot: DO IT!
And soon, the station does stop… launching Nbot and Bckope out into the ocean.
The titles for the show then rolled, and afterwards I came in all dancing and happy… only to find out I'm not facing the audience! I righted myself and began the show.
"Hello, and welcome to Tribute to the Area Man! Now I know that some of the network executives have birthdays coming up, so in harmony…"
Hello, hello
Hello, hello, hello!
Hello hello hello hello hello hello hello hello hello hello hello
And a Happy Birthday!
"Now, on to business. By now you probably know…" And then Eric walks in with a paper bag (with eyeholes) over his head. The crowd didn't know what to make of it at first. But then I piped up. "Okay folks, relax. There's a reason why Eric is wearing a paper bag. By now you know about the Breaking Gang's divorce, and we have the "Pelly and Peak" clip where it happened." After the clip was played, Eric spoke up.
"Now the reason for the paper bag is because I'm not standing by and letting those 2 f-king cheapskates rip me off! Especially that tiny bitch Karen."
"Glad to hear you're with me on this, Eric, but why are you only blaming Karen? And it's not just you and me that are feeling the divorce; if we don't stop it then DFTV will suffer."
"Well, it's simple. Because this committee thing is B.S and it's all her f—king fault! I just know it is."
"Great to hear that from you!" Oh great, it's David Haskell. But he actually looks happy. "Look guys, anything that you guys can do to calm down Karen and bring her back to me would be appreciated." So he actually wants the divorce to stop, too. That was great news to me, but I had to set him straight before we would help him.
"All right David, we're happy to help. But YOU must do your end of the deal! You must promise me and Eric that you're gonna get the therapy you need so that you won't freak out about sports teams like you've done recently."
"Damn straight, because I WANT MY F—KING PAYCHECK!" Yep, Eric was ready for war. So then he bought out a lot of paper bags and said "Now here's how we're getting the point across to that liar Karen. I want you people to take a bag home, wear it over your head in public, and keep doing it until the Breaking Gang remarries."
I heard a few people in the audience say "That's ridiculous", or "How will this work again?" but most of the crowd actually took a bag. Looks like that segment did the trick. And now that our plan was set in motion, we could focus on tonight's episode.
Things went by rather quickly after that. First, Eric read some fan mail… which turned out to be a Publisher's Clearing House flyer giving away $20,000,000. So of course Eric thought he won the money, but then said his friend Kenny McCormick wouldn't get any of it. Good thing I stopped dead on his tracks. Then more phone calls were taken from fans, who asked about our new paper bag committee… and the Pokémon Jigglypuff.
Then it was time to intro a guest, but who Eric got for the show threw me a bit. Two people who I didn't know named Theo and Melissa came out to applause, but when I asked Eric what they were famous for, he said "For overbidding on a showcase on The Price is Right. For some reason, our idiot executives are making a big deal about it." Ooooooooookayyyyyyyy…
After Theo and Melissa were interviewed, more calls were taken. And one of them stood out to me: One caller asked me what my favorite snack was, but Eric interrupted. "Mine's Cheesy Poofs, but I guess you people already know that."
"Eric, the question was for me. And I have to say my favorite…"
"Hey, you wanna know what my 2nd favorite snack is?"
"Fine. What?" Eric then dug out a box of…
"Dog biscuits!" And then he proceeded to eat one of them! EWWW!
Another call stood out: Someone asked me about the war in Iraq and its aftermath, and I gave a spirited opinion on it including the wisdom of starting it, the lack of help to rebuild it, and why all the soldiers in Iraq haven't come home yet. But of course Eric had to ruin it with this: "Let me translate what the dumb Goomba has said for the people watching this on TV: 'This war is stupid…DUH'." "I am highly offended", said someone in the audience afterwards. And when things couldn't get any worse for me, the janitor came on stage.
"Hey guys, someone's here for you." I calmly asked "Who, Karen Burton?"
And he said "No, some of your network suits". Oh great, the Diablo Films executives! NOW things can't get any worse for me. But wait! Eric went backstage to see what they wanted. Turns out they were concerned about Eric's views on the Breaking Gang and the war.
Eric's response was "You know what, you're right. I shouldn't yell out bad opinions. In fact, I made something that will convey my views perfectly."
"Which is…?"
"Just watch. Roll the video in the truck!"
20 minutes later…
We were back in Eric's house, and I was not happy. "I just can't believe you, you f—king fat $$! The network's shut us down, and the episode is 'cancelled'! How could you be so f—ing STUPID?!"
"Hey hey hey… wasn't my fault they didn't understand it. Plus, I ain't worried, so will you chill the f—k out?"
"Look, I like the fact you're against the war, but playing a music video showing you hitting a congressman?! With the butt of a rifle?!"
"Come on! That stuff was awesome!"
"Eric, I'm just telling you that you can show your distaste by other means."
"Like what?"
"Hmmmm… An Eskimo?'
"Uhhh, what?"
Oops. "Sorry, I've just always wanted to meet an Eskimo for some reason. Call it a little dream of mine."
"HA HA HA HA! Your aspirations are pathetic!"
"All right Eric, what's YOUR little dream?"
"Hmmmm…"
Inside Eric's mind
"Ham! Sweet… sweet ham! Ham…."
"Uhhh, Eric? Eric?"
"I enjoy ham."
"Sigh… never mind. Isn't there a way to show our distaste…? Wait, I got an idea."
"Oh, crap."
"No, no, it's a good one. Let's just go to the tallest building in Denver and put up a sign right at the top."
"Hmmm… Like what?"
"I don't know… 'Screw the President' or something."
And now for 10 seconds of sex.
…..
Okay, you can stop now.
An hour later, we were in nearby Denver on our way to its tallest building, the Republic Plaza. On our way, we got a pleasant surprise on the streets: About 85 people are wearing paper bags over their heads. Our committee was starting to take hold!
When me and Eric entered the Plaza, I laid down the plan. "Okay, here's what we'll do. We'll climb up the stairs all the way to the top. There we'll hang the sign outside of…"
"Whoa whoa, pause. WALK up the stairs?! Why am I following YOUR stupid- $$ plan?! Can't we just use the g—damn elevator?"
"Eric, there'll be no sense of occasion doing that. We're doing something big, so we have to make it memorable. Plus, you need the exercise."
"AY! I'M NOT GOING UP ANY…" Too late Eric, I already have the sign and going up the stairs. On the 3rd floor I looked at the sign we would be hanging, giving Eric a chance to catch up.
"Hey Eric. Why does it say 'Screw the Prez'? Ran out of space?"
"Huff… puff… huff… Kinda."
It was then that I noticed the size of Eric's backpack that he was carrying. "Say Eric, how much stuff did you bring for the trek? We're only going up a building, not studying in Europe."
"Well, my simple-rooted non-friend, this is because I want to be ready for anything life throws at me."
"And how heavy IS that pack? Let me see." I opened up one pocket of Eric's pack and… "Weights? Eric, why the hell did you bring weights?"
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… I don't know."
Unbelievable! "Well Eric, maybe THIS is why you've been slow climbing the stairs. Let's just leave the weights and come get them when we're done."
Eric agreed, and our climb began. But I soon had another problem to deal with.
"Goombella, are we there yet?"
"No, we're only on the 9th floor"
14th floor
"Are we there yet?"
"No."
18th floor
"Are we there yet?"
"No!"
26th floor
"Are we there yet?"
"No! Now stop asking me!"
27th floor
"Are we there yet?
"NO!"
42th floor
By this time, both of us were tired, but at least Eric had stopped bugging me.
"Goombellllllllaaaaa… I wanna stoopppppp!"
"Alright. I need a rest too." So we sat down on one of the stairs to catch our breaths. "Hey Eric, you got any food in there? Oh wait, of COURSE you have food in there. What kind…" But Eric was ignoring me, as he was eating his Cheesy Poofs. "Okay, but what other foods do you have in there?"
"Dog biscuits!" And then he went on to eat one of them!
"EWW! No no, I meant NORMAL food! Stuff that I can eat!"
"Fine. Will this work?" he said as he dug out a bowl of fruit.
"Yeah, that's much better." I took a tangerine, but before I can take a bite of it, Eric then dug out a blender. "Wait, is that a blender?"
"Yep. Now where's an outlet?"
"Why do you need that?
"So I can juice the fruits." Oh brother.
48th floor
We were getting close to the top, but Eric stopped when he passed one of the offices on this floor. "Eric, what's up?"
"Heh, heh. Look at those losers working on a Saturday. Wait, are they watching TV?" Before I could react, Eric ran inside the office to be with the workers.
"Eric! We still… Ugh!" I had to go in too. I then found Eric and the others watching ACC basketball. "Hi, listen, sorry for inter…"
"SHHH! Duke's inbounding the ball, and they're down by 1 to my Cavs" said one of the workers. Looks like he's from the south region, namely Virginia. As for Eric, he was still eating his Poofs.
"Hey. Sit down and relax."
"Fine", I said and sat down. "We'll stay and see the finish to the game, but then we have to go."
"Mph. Mind finishing off the dog biscuits?"
"NO! Don't even bring those filthy things NEAR me!"
"Hey, will you guys… What? NO!" Turns out that Virginia fan missed his team's defensive stand to win the game, thanks to my outburst. Needless to say, me and Eric got out of there fast.
? Floor
My legs were now on fire, and the sign was now a big burden. I was completely spent, never mind what Eric was going through.
"Goombella? I… huff… can't make it. Huff…I've got nothing left." And then he started crying. "Leave me here to die!"
It was then I noticed something. "Eric, look!"
"No no no no, it's too late for… for me. Everything's… turning black…"
"Eric, we're at the top! Only 3 steps until the door leading to the roof!"
"Really… Ughhh… try… trying to stand… up…"
After 2 minutes of Eric's theatrics, we FINALLY were on the roof. Oh, I was so proud! "Yes! We made it all the way! Now we can show the world our message about the war and… Eric?"
"Goombellllllllllaaaaa… I don't wanna be up this highhhhhhhh."
"Oh, calm down. You're fine. Now how are we going to hang the sign?" Then I saw one of those aerial work platforms that window washers use. We gently lowered Eric's backpack, Eric, the sign, and finally me onto the platform. Finally, it was time to get to work.
"Alright. Now hold the sign straight, Eric." We had decided to attach the sign to the window with tape, and soon the first part of the sign was up. Now if any of you at home are thinking about doing this somewhere, my advice to you is DON'T DO IT! I wasn't showing it to Eric, but I was terrified! I could see how high up we truly were from the ground, and it's not a pleasant feeling. And to make things worse...
"Darn it! Eric, give me a boost so I can attach the last part of the sign." Yep, I had to rely on Eric to help me finish the job. I was almost finished when I felt a tug at my… "Wha, AHHH!" Next thing I know, I landed on the platform right on my head, while Eric was on his rear.
Oh, I need to tell you this for later: At the same time we were doing this, Carrie Burrell and one of her producers on the network were in Denver (somehow) making their own sign.
"Good. We're ready to hang up our SASS sign outside."
"But Ms. Burrell, what does SASS mean again?"
"It couldn't be simpler, Darrell. SASS means…"
But before Carrie can finish, a gust of wind came along and ripped one of the 'S's off of the sign.
Now let's go back to me and Eric. "What the hell did you just do?" I shouted.
"I don't know…"
I started thinking the worse. "Wait, were you trying to look down my pants?!"
"Nooooooo…"
But before I could unleash my wrath, I noticed Eric was sitting on something… the controls for our platform! "You evil… AHHHHH! You blithering idiot, look what you did! Now we can't go back up! We're stuck 700 feet in the air in the cold and it's all your fault!"
"My, my fault?! You lost your balance while I…" And at that moment, that S that I mentioned somehow attached itself to our sign! Now it reads…
"Oh, great! Now everyone's gonna think we're saying 'Screw the Prezs'!" I was fighting back tears now, and what was Eric doing? Fighting back giggles! "Oh, how can this day get any worse?"
And at that point, I saw snow beginning to fall. Then Eric said "Oh, NOW I remember. Mom said that a snowstorm was coming through today."
Oh, now I REALLY lost it. "What?! Well, why didn't you tell me this BEFORE we left? Then we wouldn't be STUCK here in the COLD and the SNOW in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE?!"
"Dude, what's the f—k's your problem? Someone's gonna notice us and rescue us, so shut up!" Exhausted, I sat down in defeat to wait for help.
30 minutes later
Help haven't arrived yet, and now the snow had been replaced with freezing rain. Both me and Eric were miserable, and I couldn't take it anymore.
"Eric… I d-d-d-on't see an-n-n-n-n-body noticing us up here."
"J-j-j-just a matter of time."
"UGH! You've been saying that forever! It's all your fault we're stuck here! The broken controls, your stupid backpack… I mean look at this s—t you packed! A tree sapling… a bowling pin… a cell phone…" Wait, what? Yes! We're saved! "Eric, what's with the phone?"
"My cell phone, dummy."
"WHAT? Why didn't you tell me this before the storm started?"
"Mom told me to use it only in an emergency."
"Well Eric, would you mind awfully if we use it RIGHT NOW?! What's your home number?"
A few seconds later at Eric's house, the home phone went off and Liane got it (thank god she was home!). "Hello?"
"M-mom? It's Eric. We're still at the Republic Plaza doing our stunt."
"Oh, that's nice. When are you coming home, sweetie? The weather's getting bad outside."
"HELP! We're stuck up here!" I shouted. "We tried to hang the sign, but Eric fouled it up, and now we're hanging outside on a platform underneath a sign saying 'Screw the Prezs', and…"
"AY! I'm the one on the phone."
"What?!" Good, Liane heard me. "Poosie, hold on, Mommy's getting help right now!"
And 10 minutes later, joy of joys, we saw a rescue chopper coming to help us. The ladder was soon being lowered, and we were saved. Well, we would have been saved if Eric's girth didn't snap the platform. And then… we were falling toward a… plot hole?!
"We're saved. Pelly and Peak do this s—t all the time!" Soon enough, we fell into the hole and came out of the sky… right into Karen Burton's private jet!
"AHHHH! How the f—k did you bastards get here?" But before we can answer, the floor gave way and me and Eric were falling again. Where did we end up landing? In the middle of the Rocky Mountains.
Now don't worry, folks. Since we're animated, we didn't die. In fact Eric was on his feet the next day to do another Area Man show. Sadly for me, I wasn't that lucky: My body didn't take kindly to the cold and the impact of landing in the mountains, and my left leg was now broken, meaning I was in a wheelchair for the show. The fans were shown our escapade at the Republic Plaza, to great applause. And of COURSE, Eric claimed credit for us surviving.
At the end, though, things got better. "Folks, we think you for coming out to see… Wait a minute. Hey, over here!"
"Eh? What the f—k's your problem now?" said Eric.
"I see an Eskimo!" Sure enough, an Eskimo was in attendance and he came on stage. "Hello there."
"Miss Goombella, thank you for putting on this great show. And my people want to show our support for the committee you are doing."
"Aww, thank you. Would you mind helping me?" I said as I pointed him to my chair. But then, I heard another voice, one that the audience realized quickly.
"People of this country, it's a shame to me that this little anarchic show has more diversity than most network shows." It was Bill O' Reilly, here on our stage! "Mr. Eric, you know me."
"Oh, how can I forget?"
"Well Mr. Eric, I was on my way to a book signing in Boulder, and I couldn't help but notice the sign you put on that building saying 'Screw the Press'. Now care to tell me what you got against me?"
At that point, I did the best thing I could've done in that spot: I had the Eskimo push me home! "Bye Eric, enjoy your talk!"
"AY! Come back! You, you can't leave me here with this blowhard. Goombella! Uhhhh… Aw, here it goes!"
And with that, another show ended. Once I returned to my dorm, my roommate hugged me, congratulated me on the show and my bravery, and made dinner (god bless her heart!). Later, I watched the show on TV and then limped to my bed. While I was lying in bed, something clicked in my head: Me and Eric can't keep doing this show on our own. One of these days, something bad will happen and we won't be as lucky as we were that day in Denver. And if we were going to get the Breaking Gang back together, more assents would be needed. Yep, it was clear as day to me.
We need more cast members.
Whew. I'm finally done! And again, if this fanfiction looks madcap and crazy, it's supposed to be this way.
In the next chapter, a new cast member will be introduced. Please read and review!