WARNING: This story may contain explicit adult material. Extreme graphic violence. Overly sexual dialogue. Strong profanity/language. Nudity and/or sexual content. Rape. Child abuse. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION. OVER 18 ONLY.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter Song: Damaged - Plumb

Chapter two

~ Knowing that there is worse pain doesn't make present pain hurt any less. ~ Real Live Preacher, Real Live Preacher weblog, 03-22-05 ~

~O~

~Bella~

"Is this Bella Swan?"

My heart was beating furiously in my chest as I recognized the local Forks police number.

"Y-yeah, who's this?" My palms were sweaty and my hands were trembling as a bad feeling start developing within my gut. Something was happening.

The man on the other line sighed, "Bella, I don't know if you remember me, I'm Harry Clearwater, you father's deputy…"

Charlie, my dad, something was wrong with my dad.

"Umm, yeah I think, what's wrong? Why are you calling me, is something wrong with my dad?" I could barely talk, my throat was dry and tears were welling in my eyes. My dad.

"Bella, I don't who how to say this, it's been two days since you left with your mom and I knew that Charlie would want some time to himself, I left him be, thinking he needed it… I-I'm sorry Bella…" There was a pause but I had all the information I needed, I left Charlie without says so much as a goodbye and now… now I didn't even had the chance, because I believed her, I believed her and now my dad….

"Tell me... What happened?"

"Heart attack Bella, the doctor said it happened the day you left. I found him today, he wouldn't pick up the phone and that's so unlike him. I got worried but I was too late…" there was a muffled sound and I realized he was crying.

I wiped my own silent tears away and sank down the wall.

My dad, my hero, he was dead. I left him because of Renee and now he was dead. I was all alone, a broken girl, without anyone.

My dad was dead.

I breathed in a huge breath when my lungs started burning and screamed in the palm of my hand.

"NO!"

~o~

I jumped of the bed and fell down from it when my eyes opened.

I hadn't had that dream for a while but every time I did, I would wake up in tears and screaming on the top of my lungs.

Charlie.

His image haunted my dream, my existence. Sometimes it was hard to even remember him. It was a bittersweet memory. His smile would make me both happy and sad. Happy that I was the receiver of many smiles, well, all of them as little as there were. And sad because it would always remain a memory, I would never see it again.

I stood up from the floor and waked out in the kitchen, I wasn't supposed to drink coffee but I craved it so much, especially after a night like this.

I had dream of babies, all kinds of babies, blue eyed, green eyed, brown eyed, black eyed. Blond babies, and brown-haired babies, babies with curls and straight hair. All the kinds.

I never realized that there was a great possibility that mine would have blond hair and blue eyes, like James.

The thought of his name alone was enough to make goose bumps appear on my skin, but that's all. I knew it wasn't normal; I shouldn't even be able to think of him, let alone react so calmly. I was a ticking bomb and everything could make me burst. I just prayed that that would happen after my baby was away, safe and sound.

"Good morning Bella." A bright eyed Angela greeted me with a cup of tea. There was the usual sadness in her eyes, the one were she knew, she'd heard me and now she was making me tea to calm my nerves.

Well, it works for me, I can have coffee anyway.

"Good morning Angela, thanks." I took the cup form her and walked away. "I'm going to have a shower, when will you guys leave?"

"In an hour or so, Ben will be here soon to pick me up." She paused. "You had that dream again? About Charlie I mean…"

I gave her a sad, watery smile, "Yeah…"

"Isn't not your fault Bella, you have to understand it at some point, you can't keep blaming yourself about what happened…"

I knew this, I've heard her saying it a million times, still no difference, she couldn't understand.

"I'll be done before you leave Angie."

~o~

I really thought this would be easy, but oh how wrong was I!

First of all, I wasn't one of the lucky women who didn't have nausea or morning sickness; which is not morning sickness at all, more like all-day-sickness-none-stop-vomiting thing. Well, not really, but at this point I had no idea if it was the usual morning sickness or just my nerves. I was on overdrive, I over-thought about everything. What to eat, how much to eat, what to drink; which I didn't but the thought was still there nonetheless. I was thinking every time I sat or walked or slept. Everything. Every little detail. What I did wrong and what right. Not that I had any clue of what was wrong and right at this point.

Carlisle had given me a book about pregnancies; I knew the book but truth be told I never, ever, thought I would end up buying it. It scared me how much of that book was actually true! Everything was there, the roller-coaster moods, the implantation bleeding and the PMS-like symptoms -I had it all. Talking about PMS on steroids, craziness. I felt like I was a teen again with the worst case of PMS!

I wouldn't even touch that damned thing but after what happened a couple of days ago, I memorized the whole thing. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw the light pink spotting but according to the book that's a good thing for the baby, something between the lines of 'implanted itself into the uterine wall' made me throw it across the room, only to pick it up a minute later. See? Crazy emotions!

So, according to the book, no nausea this month- just my nerves. The joy.

That's what pissed me off the most, at least half of those things were things that I was supposed to know but I didn't – thanks mom!

Like mother, like daughter Bella...

I took a deep breath, this was hard as it is, and I didn't have to add Renee to the equation.

At least I found a good mother for my baby, I had a plan.

Well, all I had was Carlisle and his family that I had yet to meet. Which brings me to the source of my early nausea. Rosalie. I had an hour for my appointment with her and I couldn't calm my nerves. Since that phone call with Carlisle a couple of days ago, I was out of my mind, I was freaking out and I was desperately trying everything I could to keep Angela in the dark. Lucky me, she and Ben had this whole romantic weekend planed and while I would be discussing with Rosalie and hopefully finding a solution, she'd be out of the apartment.

I hated lying to her but what was there to say anyway?

Hey Ang, so I'm pregnant but I'm a coward and not keeping it because I don't want it to end up like I did because of Renee.

Yeah, not a chance.

It was hard enough to hide everything, even that damned book, from her, at least now I had a couple of days to myself.

If everything went well with Rosalie I'd be out of the house and back in no time.

Well… Eight months to be exact.

Well, it's all worth it for my baby. That was my mantra. That's what kept me going because I knew; there was no turning back from this.

~o~

Rosalie was... not what I expected. At all.

When I walked through the dinners doors my eyes instantly spotted an older woman, not too old but still late thirties, hazel features and a mother figure. That was when I saw Carlisle across the room with a model next to him and I froze. She was...well... a model. That was the best word to describe her. Tall, hot body, long blond hair and pale blue eyes.

That can't be her! She is the one who wants to adopt my baby?

Kinda like your age huh? Why can't you be more like her? Be responsible for once, you see it's not about the age, she isn't even close to thirty Bella, yet she is here, talking to you about your baby...

Whatever, despite the age, I could see it in her eyes, what I should have… adoration, for my unborn baby, hope for the future, longing…

Yes, she was the right person.

"Bella, good morning, how are you today?"

"I want to hug a toilet and let my stomach fight itself but other than that, great Carlisle, you?" I chuckled humourlessly, great start Bella, lame jokes, really?

He laughed at my lame joke, "Well, you should star getting used to it you know though I believe it's a little early for that, have you read the book yet?"

He sounded like a teacher asking a student if the homework was done or not…

"Yeah…" He was definitely nervous. There we stood, the odd group of the three of us, standing around a table looking at each other and not uttering a single word.

I might as well be done with it.

I grabbed a chair and pulled it on my side, "Hello, I'm Bella." I offered my, now, shaking hand to the blond-mother-figure-model next to me. "You must be Rosalie; it's great to finally meet you."

She gaped at me with her gorgeous eyes and a wide astonished smile. "Yes, I'm Rosalie, I great to finally meet you too, Bella. We have so much to talk about." Fuck, even her voice was angelic-like.

Yep, cut right down to the chase, why don't you…

Bitter much Bella?

Bite me!

I smiled though, she really wanted this, "Yes, we do."

Carlisle apologized for being totally out of it bur who could blame him, his daughter-in-law and a stranger discussing the possibility of making him a grandpa would do that to you.

Things were really weird, no one wanted to acknowledge the pink elephant in the room; we were here for one reason and one reason only, my baby.

I asked Rosalie a couple of things, like her age, which wasn't far from mine actually; she was twenty-seven and her husband twenty-nine. High school sweethearts that eloped just after graduation.

Rosalie talked about her life with her husband, Emmett, how they were trying for years to have a baby but they just couldn't. There was something she wouldn't tell and I knew better that to force her, I wasn't ready to tell her about James yet – though I had a feeling she knew more than I did myself .

The first couple of year she would get pregnant but it wouldn't last, usually it was only a month or three at best, but she would miscarry after.

She talked about her lost pregnancies and her eyes welled up in tears and sorrow. She was mourning for every single one. It gave me the impression that if she could, she would want them all, if not double it.

I took in her appearance as she smoothed her blond hair. How could a person look so magnificent in just a pair of black jeans and a cream shirt was beyond me. She had just a touch of make up, blush, and mascara. Her pink lip gloss was almost gone.

I felt so plain standing next to her. Black jeans, t-shirt and converse, no make-up and a ponytail. Oh well…

"Bella, I'm not going to ask you what happened, I hope you'll feel comfortable enough to tell me on your own soon but, as much as I want us to have an agreement I can't help but wonder, are you sure?" I knew this would come eventually, she would want to make sure I knew what I'm getting myself into, she wants to be sure too. She doesn't want to get her hopes up just for me to come one day and tell her otherwise.

Like that would ever happen…

"I'm sure Rosalie. I know what I want for my baby. I want a loving mother, a mother that would care for my baby. Rosalie, I didn't have the possibility to chose a mother for myself when I needed one. But I have the possibility to choose one for my baby. And since I would want a baby to have someone like me as a mother, then I will chose the best one. And if I'm not being too forward, I think that person is you."

I didn't want to scare her but I had this feeling about her. She was the mother material. She was the mother I would want for my baby, she was a whole lot better that Renee, hell; Renee couldn't even hold a candle at her. She was the one. The mother of my baby.

She gave me a watery smile and took my hand in her warm one, "What happened to you?"

She wasn't being a gossiper, she was genuinely concerned. She cared.

"Bad things, things that I don't want to happen to this one." I place my free hand on my flat stomach. It was the first time I ever did something like this.

"So, I get it, your mom was not the mother material but… what happened to your father?"

How could I utter the words the haunted my existence? The words that made my lungs burn?

After all these years, I still couldn't even think of them, let alone utter them.

I killed him.

No, she couldn't find out about it just yet.

"Things just happen in life that you can't control, unfortunately. But I know now that one bad thing can lead to a good one." I placed my hand on my flat stomach and smiled at her. This was a good thing; I could feel it, and the love she had inside her radiated.

"Bella, I know that you feel like a victim right now, or maybe not at all because of your memory loss but trust me, when the time comes and you remember, I want you to remember my words; it's not your fault. Right now actually it might be good that you don't remember, that will allow your mind to heal it self and thing about the present and your baby, not that night, it would be too much for you to remember that night." She looked away but I could see the sadness in her eyes. It was heartbreaking. It was like she knew how I'd feel. Like she'd been there… could she really? Had that happen to her too?

I remember the fire in Carlisle's eyes when he told me the same words, "You're not just another victim, and that's why I'm here, Bella. But I'll tell you that story another time."

The realizations must have showed in me face because her expression changed, she nodded slightly, "Yes, it happened to me too. I remember everything from that night. I know what it is like and I hope it's different for you, I hope that time heals your wounds and when that time come the only pain you'll feel, is just the memories, not that ugly feeling that haunts your nights and days, every inch of your skin. Bella, in all the bad things that happened to you, you were very lucky; I sometimes still have nightmares. I would kill for your memory loss any day."

I grimaced to myself, it wasn't just my memory loss, it was my baby too.

But none the less, knowing that she felt the same somehow, it didn't make me feel better. I still feared, I knew the memories would come full force one day and I dreaded it. Her pain unfortunately didn't make mine feel any less painful, just a little insignificant now. I had to do this, for my baby and then I would deal with everything else, even if it killed me, I knew this was the right thing to do.

~o~

A/N: Thank you all so much, all of you for the great responce. This story is also on Twilighted and TWCS Library. I have a brand new banner made by the awesome mkystich72 you can see it on Twilighted. The playlist is on Blip and all links will be on my profile ASAP.

I have a few recs for all of you.

Back Against The Wall by Feralness and FerlaV

Sovereign Fate by A Cullen Wannabe.

As always lots of thanks to my girls, Feral and Ferla for saving this story from grammar police! And my one and only vampireprincess1918/twi-sister for doing what she does best, kicking my ass when I'm late for an update!

Thank you all and leave me some love!