The Fabulous Destiny of Kurt Hummel
Three
It wasn't always as simple as Santana could make it seem and she knew that just as much as Kurt ever did. Love is a complicated game and sadly they'd both fallen victim to it. He tugged his cardigan closer around him as the chill set into his apartment. The heater was out, typical. Rachel snuggled into his side and chinked her wine glass against the side of his.
"She'll be back tomorrow and it will be as if nothing has happened." She reassured him.
"I know." He murmurs but it isn't Santana he's worried about. How many more times must he see Blaine and have to convince himself that he doesn't need anyone, that once bitten means twice shy? Kurt Hummel has a reason for everything and there is a very big reason for why he has given up on love. It always hurts him. No, he'd not fallen quite as fast as he has for Blaine, but that doesn't mean that this time will be any different. He hopes it will be though, he really hopes that one day he can at least try to give him a chance.
"You will have to return the notebook at some point though, Kurt. Art is personal, he probably feels like he's lost a limb." Rachel says mournfully and just like that they aren't talking about Kurt anymore.
"I know." He whispers this time and rests his head against the top of hers. "He's so beautiful, Rach. I think I'd like it if he loved me."
"Then we'll make it happen." She smiles sleepily, tugging a throw across their bodies and before either of them know it they are fast asleep, wine and the cold winter air long forgotten.
The next morning Kurt leaves for work and heads straight for the subway station. It's damp and it smells but it's not just about having a reprieve from the awful weather this time. Today he's going to get Blaine's attention.
He heads straight for the photo booth and sticks a sign onto it, clear as day and to the point:
Found:
Notebook of photos/lyrics
Enquire at Café de deux Moulins for information.
That will do, he thinks, and waits for a while on a nearby bench, adorned with sunglasses and a hat to hide himself. Kurt is aware that he looks like a terrible spy, or someone masquerading as a celebrity, but Blaine can't know yet that it's him, that he has his book.
Not one to disappoint, Blaine appears ten minutes later with hair considerably tamer than the previous times Kurt had seen him. He is dressed in trousers that just skim his ankles, smart shoes and a novelty bowtie. Kurt has to stifle his laughter and delight. It's not that he finds Blaine amusing but more the notion that of course he's in love with this man, of course it's him. Without a moment more to spare, Kurt's train pulls into the station and just as he jumps on, he notices Blaine look at the photo booth. He takes a deep breath and sits down, hoping his heart will stop hammering by the time Blaine shows up for the book. It has to, this can't go wrong.
Santana is waiting for him just like Rachel had said, and even opens the door to the shop for him so his frozen hands could have some respite. "I don't say this often but I'm sorry. It's not my place to lecture you on how to conduct your love life, it's not like I'm doing stellar job with my own over here." She says without a hint of happiness or remorse. She does, however, mean it. Kurt can tell by her eyes, they refuse to focus on him and when they connect for a brief second, she looks so hurt. "I suppose I'll get a decent latte now you're here?"
"Only if you pay for it." Kurt smirks, tapping her on the arm before hanging up his coat and scarf. He goes to his locker to put his bag away and gently touches the notebook he has hidden away. Today, it all ends today, he thinks. As he ties his apron he takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and walks out to the counter to start making Santana's latte.
The morning is busier than usual, Mr Collignon brings a friend and they stay for what feels like hours ordering everything on the menu. The morning rush eventually blends into the lunchtime rush and if this is what Kurt was hoping for in order to relax and regroup, he was hugely mistaken. There was no way he could see Blaine under these conditions.
Only he need not have worried because Blaine wasn't coming. He hadn't turned up all day.
It's quarter to eight and almost closing time for the night. Kurt is on the microphone singing Blackbird by the Beatles when the door finally opens. Santana is sat at a table directly in front of the small, makeshift stage, head propped up by her hands and watching with eyes half shut. At the sound of someone struggling with the door, she turns to look and smiles to herself when she sees him. "Kurt." She tries whispering but he can't hear her. "Kurt!" She said a little louder.
"…my notebook? I lost it a few days ago and found a note this morning to come here for it?" Blaine asks, worriedly fumbling with his hands as he asks Brittany. She doesn't have a clue. How could she? It's in his locker. He never said anything to anyone so how could she know what to do, what to say?
"I'm sorry, Blaine. I haven't seen you leave anything behind." Brittany answers innocently. Kurt can only stand there. How is this happening? This is his moment and he is blowing it, why is he so shy all of a sudden? He can feel Santana's intense gaze on him but he powers through the song, trying desperately not to let his fear show, his sadness at being completely unable to move.
"No, it wouldn't have been left here. I – I'm sorry Brittany, maybe I'm wrong. I'd better go. You guys are probably closing up now." Blaine smiles sadly and ties his scarf on his way out. As soon as the door is closed and Carole moves to lock it, Kurt collapses to sit on the edge of the stage. Santana moves to sit next to him but he bats her away. He can't deal with her sympathy in that moment. He just made a big mistake, watched a chance at happiness walk through the door and all because he couldn't just make himself heard.
"Kurt, go after him." Santana says quietly. But he can't. All he can do is gather his belongings, put on his scarf and jacket with a sense of focus, not breaking or speaking at all. Carole opens the door for him on his way out and he thinks he hears her say not to worry about work tomorrow but he's not sure. As if on autopilot he eventually appears at Rachel's front door with tears in his eyes, a bottle of wine in his hand and a heavy heart to unload. She merely pulls him inside and wraps him in her arms, whispering things he desperately needs to hear.
Kurt decides to forget about Blaine for a little while. The boy with the magic list, amazing fashion sense and never-ending creativity was going to have to wait because Kurt has his life to get back to. He will tell himself this over and over each morning and one day, when Blaine pops in as he usually does, it stops hurting so much and soon he's almost forgotten he even has his notebook.
Sometimes Kurt thinks he's caught Blaine looking at him for a second too long but others he convinces himself it must have been someone behind him. On one occasion, Blaine tries to speak to him about the menu but then Brittany is suddenly throwing latte glasses at the ground and throwing a tantrum.
"Brittany!" Kurt yells as he races around the counter to stop her. "What's going on?"
He notices Santana with her head down, feebly stirring sugar into a cup of coffee. If Kurt had looked hard enough he would have noticed that she is crying, but desperately trying to hide it.
"I can't work with her around here anymore!" Brittany cries, pointing at Santana. "All she does it make me feel terrible about myself. We broke up, Santana. We broke up ages ago!"
It was happening. The moment Santana was waiting for, where she had to see for herself that it just wasn't meant to be. It was here, right now. Brittany is finally letting her go.
"I'm sorry, Brit." She chokes out, quickly wiping under her eyes in case too many people notice. "I didn't know."
"Sam loves me, Santana. I'm not leaving him for you. You're still my best friend, you always will be, but I think you have to go." Brittany says quietly.
Santana shakes her head and finally looks to Kurt for help, for advice. She had earned it after the countless meltdowns he had exhibited over recent months.
"Brit, go take your break. I'll carry on here." He says softly, placing his hands on her shoulders and guiding her in the right direction. He nudges her gently towards their back room before running his hands through his hair and looking at all the smashed glass. It's Carole's day off, he's by himself. He starts gathering the shards of glass, careful not to cut himself and by the time he has a handful he notices another pair of hands. They aren't Santana's perfectly manicured nails or even Brittany's short, bitten ones. It's Blaine, perfect, helpful, do-gooder Blaine. "You don't have to." He says softly, trying not to look at him in case he does something silly. It's a miracle he can even talk.
"Please, let me?" Blaine asks gently, taking Kurt's free hand for a moment. Kurt stares at the connection and tries to ignore the way it's making him feel. He doesn't need this right now, he needs to help Brittany. But he nods anyway and let's go. He gets up to find a broom which Blaine immediately takes from him due to the large queue of waiting customers. Kurt flashes him a grateful smile and attends to them. He doesn't even notice that Santana has left or that Blaine has followed her until the queue dies down and he realises that once again, he is on his own. It's what he does best, so he tries not to feel too sad about it. It has, however, invigorated new hope within him.
He grabs a company napkin on his way out and hastily scribbles a message onto it. He glanced up at the coffee shop fondly but he knows there is something stirring within him. It might be time. He takes his time as he walks back to the subway station, takes in the sight of the stores that line the cobbled streets. He breathes in the smell from the Magnolia Bakery and nods at a passer-by who offers him a brief smile. He loves this part of town and would hate to leave it for no good reason. He contemplates taking the Highline to one of the stations but decides he prefers it in the morning when the air is fresh and his mind is clearer.
When the train stops near his building, he gets out and with a confidence he is sure he shouldn't be feeling, he sticks the napkin to the photo booth and walks away. It's not up to him anymore.
Please come back. I'm sorry.
There isn't any sign of Blaine the next day like he had hoped but Rachel does call him screaming down his cell phone about an audition that…
"…you simply must attend, Kurt! It's perfect for you!" Rachel screams as she rushes around her apartment. Kurt can tell she's a little frantic and it makes him smile despite himself. "It's tomorrow, please make sure you go! You don't know when another opportunity will come up."
She was right. It had been so long since his last audition that he barely knew where to start anymore, he didn't even know if he could do it anymore. He's grinning as he takes the details and hangs up the phone. "Carole-" He starts, ready to ask for the day.
"It's all yours. Break a leg, Kurt. You deserve it." She smiles and pulls him in for a hug. She isn't quite the mother he never had but she certainly fills some of the gaps his mother left behind.
"You're not too big to fetch me a latte, superstar." Santana smiles at him, reaching across the counter to grasp his hand supportively. She hadn't heeded Brittany's request. She was back the very next day, dolled up to the nines. It was as if it never happened.
He spends the rest of the day singing show tunes to the customers, happy to be performing something other than the melancholy, wistful songs of recent times. He finds himself lost in the music, enjoying the feeling of falling into character and demonstrating what he can do so effortlessly. It feels liberating.
His audition the next day goes better than he could have ever expected. He sings the song to the best of his ability and for once feels good about what he has done. The directors offer him some great feedback and tell him he'll hear from them within a week. It's all moving so quickly but this is what he came to New York for. This is what his life should have been seven years ago. Leaving Lima for New York didn't mean working in a coffee shop full time with months between auditions. It was supposed to be about freedom; freedom to be who he is, love who he wants and the freedom to do whatever he wants to do.
Full of a confidence that he hadn't felt for a very long time, Kurt strolls into the café through the back door and turns once again to the notebook in his locker. It's time now. Blaine deserves to have it back and with his life falling back into place? Kurt feels ready for whatever outcome. He removes it from the locker and places a note inside it, on the first empty page.
Taking a deep breath and preparing himself for onslaught of questions and general excitement from his friends, he makes to step out onto the shop floor. Blaine is already there. He's leaning back against the counter, moving closer to Santana as he speaks and watching her eyes light up dangerously. He must say something funny because Santana positively howls with laughter, grabbing his arm as she does and sliding her hand along it.
This can't be happening, Kurt thinks. How did I get it so wrong?
As her laughter dies, Santana looks away from Blaine and catches Kurt's eye. She begins to gesture for him to come over but notices the betrayal all too late. "Kurt?" She calls quickly. "Kurt, wait up!"
But he's already gone. Notebook on the floor, back door wide open. He's gone.
Santana chases behind the counter to follow him but when she gets to the door she realises there isn't any hope. She sighs, holding her hair out of her face. She hisses all the curse words she knows to herself and slams the back door shut with frustration.
"Oh my god."
She hears the tiny voice from behind her as she turns to see Blaine crouching on the floor, tenderly holding the tattered notebook with a hand over his mouth.
It's okay, Santana tells herself, this can be fixed. It's okay.
Blaine,
I'm so sorry I held onto this for so long. It wasn't my place, and I should have returned it the day I saw you in the shop.
You inspire me, Blaine. You stand so tall because you know who you are – your creativity, your self-expression, your kindness.
I think I fell in love with you the first time I saw you.
But I can't hold onto this anymore. It's yours and you need it back.
I can't play games with you anymore.
Yours, Kurt.
"I'm going to kill her. She can't do this to you. I didn't even think she was interested in men!" Rachel exclaims once Kurt has told her everything.
He sighs, because he has shed so many tears over this man and his notebook that he's run out. There's no more steam in the engine to worry about Blaine anymore. "It's okay. It just confirmed what I always thought, that I'm better off on my own." He says quietly.
"No, no! That's not true, Kurt! You're going to hear back about this show and you're going to get the part! You'll have your pick of Broadway and you'll never, ever feel alone again." Rachel tries to encourage him but it's falling on deaf ears.
Kurt's phone won't stop ringing, Santana's name flashing over and over again. He just needs a bit of time, some time to stop thinking so much about what he's just learned and to just move on.
It's only when the bell for his apartment rings that he pays some sort of attention.
"Hello?" He answers gingerly, wondering who it could be. No one but his dad ever visits. Rachel immediately rushes to the window to get a peek at the stranger below.
"Kurt? Is that you?" A man's voice asks, breathless and desperate.
"It's him! He has the notebook, Kurt it must be!" Rachel is hissing at him from where she stands with the curtain pulled back. "Oh he's handsome."
"Y-yes." He stumbles over the single word, the hardest word to say with the lump that just appeared in his throat.
"Kurt, you have to let me in, I know it was you." Blaine pleads.
Kurt almost feels sorry for him. But it's like when he was singing Blackbird. He's frozen and he just can't do it. This is his moment. Not any of the other moments that had been and gone. This is it. He just can't take it.
"I'm sorry I took your book." He says instead, immediately berating himself for being so stupid. Blaine's probably freezing out there, he thinks to himself.
"He's shivering." Rachel says slowly and sadly, as if reading his mind.
Okay, think Kurt. What do you want? What will you do? He thinks, thoughts racing a mile a minute through his mind desperately trying not to scramble. He needs them to make some sort of sense, even when he is ignoring the one big thing that his mind won't stop flashing in front of his eyes.
Go to him.
He can't do this anymore. This is it.
Santana sits in the café wondering if she's done the right thing. She gave him Kurt's address. She told him everything she knew which admittedly wasn't a lot. She glances to Brittany and feels the usual pang of guilt hit her right in the stomach. She hasn't been good to her and she's never done the right thing by her. All she did was leave her, break up with her and then torture her every day with her presence.
It needed to change.
"Thanks, Brit." She said, swallowing the choke that almost broke free, taking her change and pocketing it. "I'll see you later, okay?"
Brittany nods and smiles, turning her attention to the next customer. Santana stands and pauses by the door to have a last look around. She catches Carole's attention, who smiles at her sadly, waving discreetly. Santana blows her a kiss, straightens her back and walks through the troublesome door with a smile on her face. If she keeps it there long enough it might just appear genuine.