"You were going to tell me about Philippa." Andrea prompts as they settle into lunch.
"Philippa." Neil repeats lifting the focaccia from the basket. "We met in our final year of school at one of those dances where the boys' school and the girls' school socialise. We were both high achievers, she was smarter than me...still is. We were both so ambitious we didn't really see each other; I don't think I knew what girls were and she boys. So our friends pushed us along...we were both more concerned about career direction than the direction of our personal lives. We helped each other study and pass assignments; we'd eat meals at odd hours and sometimes wouldn't see each other for days. The library was our second home. I don't know how we stayed together, maybe we thought no one else would put up with the way we lived our lives. When I next looked up her parents were asking when we were going to marry and my parents were wondering also. If it hadn't have been for them we'd probably still be living in sin, not that you could call our conflicting hours a marriage. We both put in long hours to be where we are today and it was as if we were room mates the way we saw each other every second day or were too tired at night to have regular marital relations." Listening intently Andrea layers her focaccia with fillings and condiments.
"Our parents and friends started to ask when the children were coming, neither of us had strong feelings against having kids. I knew there would only ever be one because neither of us would be happy to let go of what we'd worked for. Philippa went back to work six weeks after having our son, but Colin saved us from a life of total selfishness and we did slow down... a small amount, but mostly we've become less self centred." Neil takes a bite of his lunch, thinking as he chews.
"I love her and she loves me, we've done the right thing by each other, love, honour, cherish, raised a child but I've been wondering if she'd really be that upset about a divorce...I mean really deep down because it's almost as though we're friends with...what's that thing Honey says?"
"Friends with privileges." Andrea fills in.
"A divorce would be amicable on my part and I think on hers, I know I said I love her and I do, but I don't think we're in love with each other anymore, maybe we never were."
"You said you're ambitious, is that why you are the way you are when it comes to the DCI's job?" Andrea asks carefully.
"That's my father." Neil answers simply, taking another bite.
"Your father." Andrea encourages. "What did he do?"
"He was so smug when I was growing up, he was head of cardiology." Neil's facial features darken. "So unsupportive, every achievement of mine there was always something I did wrong on the way to getting it or there was something bigger and better I had to go for the please him. He had absolutely no faith in my ability and I was never worthy of his praise."
"Sounds tough." Andrea comments and seconds later realises how lame the comment sounded.
"I never felt any expectations to follow my father or emulate his success; if I had I'd have gone into medicine and walked in his footsteps. But I've always had a drive in me that I wanted to show him I could be as successful and achieve what he had or more without his involvement. He always said the only job more important than his were those who live with the possibility everyday that their life might be traded for total strangers. His job was to save lives but there was never a chance his would be sacrificed in the process."
"He was talking about police officers." Andrea comments but doesn't add her thoughts about the rumours of Neil's career assistance from the Deputy Assistant Commissioner.
"Or fire fighters, armed services or emergency technicians."
"I've been doing this for the majority of my life, to prove him wrong. To reach that magical point where I am worthy of his praise, the top of the MET ladder."
"Does it still matter now; you're a grown man with your own life?"
"No it doesn't but it still does to a small part inside of me. The scary thing is I've questioned if I've ever made a choice of my own or has his attitude put me onto whatever path I'm on."
"Does that mean you would never have been a cop? You said you didn't go into medicine because you never felt the need to emulate his success."
"No, I love being a cop."
"So you have made a choice." Andrea reminds him and then tells herself she was a choice Neil made, a small one to those choices that lie ahead.
The sunlight strains through the trees, open spaces creating a patchwork on the grass that covered the expanse of the garden. They eat the rest of their lunch in silence.
"Are you happy Andrea?" It had been a long time since either had spoken; she'd been lying comfortably in his arms since they'd cleaned out the picnic basket. She thought for a moment before committing and lifting her head.
"Generally or this?" She queries now lying on her side, arm supporting her head. Her free hand indicates to herself and Neil.
"Us." Neil replies changing her label. Andrea takes a moment, considering her answer. Before she can get it out Neil adds. "I love you Andrea."
Her head spins a little but her heart is clear on what it wants to say. "I love you too Neil." His face softens at the response, allowing a small smile to creep in. "Is that enough?" She adds unexpectedly.
"Your question has a time frame." Andrea says softly. "Right now I am, but in the future..."
"You think you'll want more." Neil finishes for her.
"No, I mean yes, I mean yes and no." Andrea muddles. "I had a dream this morning before you got to the door. You were being prosecuted for adultery by your wife and I was in the witness box and we were surrounded by our friends and colleagues who were judging..." Her voice fades to silence and Neil waits for her to continue.
"Fact is you're not free to love me as I am you and it doesn't matter what the mitigating circumstances are, like you haven't talked to your wife in a month, you're still not free and..." Andrea looks across his shoulder gathering what she wants to say. "I'm not feeling guilty yet and I should have from the very first kiss and I question the type of person I am for not having feelings of guilt, but I am going to soon - that dream last night was just the start...and then I'm plagued by doubts that today is just compensation for me because you're whisking Philippa off to some romantic spot in France after you've left me."
"I promise you that's not the case." Neil says solidly. "The reason you don't feel guilty is because this is not sordid or tacky, we're not meeting in cheap hotels or in the back of the car and we love each other. I know you'll want more because I will too; it's a natural progression when two people are in a relationship."
Andrea sighs and makes sure she looks him in the eyes as she says what she has to next. "This is not a relationship Neil; as long as you're married this will only ever be sex."
It stings a little but deep down she knows he knows it too. "We don't do other things couples do, we can't. We don't talk about normal couple things, we don't share mutual friends and socialise with them. I can't talk to anyone about what we've got and how I feel for you, we can't celebrate our feelings for one another. When there's rough patch I can't lean on my friends and get their advice or sympathy. In fact our lives really don't cross at all, we share a bed and a place of work that's all and we don't have the opportunity to mesh them." Although in herself Andrea feels better for having said what she has, she knows Neil may be hurting.
"I tried to give us a normal day as a couple today." Neil reminds her.
"And I had a fabulous time." Andrea thanks him. "But today has been a mirage, a trip to Disney World, a brief break in reality because tomorrow it'll be back to DI Manson and PC Dunbar and being careful how we're seen together. I'm grateful for today Neil as I am whenever we're together but we've basically come as far away as we can from the places where we might run into people we know. We're not going to cross the city each time we want to do something simple like catch a movie."
"I'll leave Philippa for you, just say the word." Neil offers and Andrea feels obligated to smile and kiss him. Anytime a man genuinely puts that offer on the table, it's taken a lot to speak the words and mean it.
"This can't be easy for you." Andrea offers. "I only have to satisfy myself, you...you have a wife, children, work and a girlfriend all demanding something of you. Where does what Neil wants come in?" His head bows, nodding on the way down to acknowledge her point.
"It doesn't matter what I want or not, ultimately it's up to you, it's your decision because you have to leave and hurt people. It won't be just your immediate family, you could lose friends over this who don't approve of your decision."
"I'll start over." Neil compensates and Andrea smiles. "With your token younger wife, your prize younger wife people will say."
"We can't offer each other guarantees. We share an intimacy that ends at the bedroom door, I don't know much about you, what if we can't live together, if we're just too incompatible. I honestly don't know that I'd say yes if you asked me to marry you today. The most frightening thing is we can't guarantee if you get a divorce that we'll stay together. People fall out of love everyday, you said you had with Philippa and suddenly you might find yourself with nothing."
"You don't paint a rosy picture." Neil says absently.
"I'm trying to be level headed, sensible and to come out with the best outcome for both of us and the other people in our lives that are going to be affected by the decisions we make."
"That's a dream Andrea."
She returns to her former position, resting against Neil's chest. She can't look at him as she says, "I know I'll be the one to end up crying even though I have the least to lose and the least people to hurt."
His arms around her slide in tighter as she draws patterns with her index finger on his chest. "I do love you Neil, more than anyone ever before." A tear springs into the corner of her eye.
At her front door, Andrea fumbles to get the key in and unlock the door. It's early evening, time for Cinderella to flee the ball before the carriage turns into a pumpkin and the fairytale night is over - Neil has to go home to his family. She begins to step over the threshold to her apartment but chooses to lean against the doorframe instead.
"Should I come in?" Neil looks vulnerable.
"I want you to...so you'd better not." Andrea rationalises. Neil's goodbye kisses are soft and sweet but soon swells with passion, arms wrapping around to hold each other tight.
"You'd better go." Andrea says breaking the kiss but remaining wrapped around him. He sighs and Andrea knows what it's for, there's no better feeling than holding each other. But she can feel herself weakening and the desire to let him come inside is stronger.
He takes the steps one at a time, Andrea watches till he disappears. Once he's out of sight she lets the tears fall freely.
4:21 the clock ticks over, still wide awake. Andrea realises the significance of the time. About 24 hours earlier Neil stood outside her door. She pushes images of him sleeping next to his wife from her minds eye.
The bedside lamp cuts through the night darkness allowing Andrea to search her underwear drawer. Her press pass is well hidden; she takes it back to bed with her turning it over and over in her hand once darkness dominates the room again.
She recalls the afternoon having told Neil it was his decision about the two of them and he had people to hurt. The truth is she had a decision to make, one that could hurt him. Suddenly there were doubts in her mind about her being the one to be crying with the least people to hurt.
She could resign her position at the MET taking the risk that Neil would never trust her again let alone want to see her. Or she could continue using her journalistic skills at the MET that she'd impressed her superiors with. It was a job she was starting to love and one she felt better about than digging up dirt on a man who'd done nothing other than being born with the wrong coloured skin, a man she respected. Bruce was becoming more demanding and manipulating and the pressure was building on her.
Either way, Andrea knew she had to strike first. Should Neil start divorce proceedings and she told him where her loyalties currently lie, he could end up with nothing - no wife, children or girlfriend. Breaking up his family for her was not to be rewarded with an admission of her betrayal. Fleetingly she realised she could end up with nothing as well and no journalistic glory was worth losing Neil over.
She slips the press pass under her pillow and like the princess and the pea she doesn't sleep well that night.
"Hey, you feeling better?" Yvonne greets her the next day in the locker room.
"Yeah, just one of those 24 hour things." Andrea lies, how easily they roll off her tongue.
"You picked your day, missed out on all the action." Yvonne tells her enthusiastically. Andrea can feel a gossip coming on. "The raid went badly." She emphasises. "The DI came back in a bad way."
"Oh really." Yvonne finally has her attention.
"DI Manson was kicking doors in upstairs in the club with Rob Thatcher when Rob sprints off because he thinks he sees David Radford."
"Was it the Radford's club you raided?" Andrea asks.
"No, but you know DC Thatcher, even the scent of a Radford and he's like a dog chasing a bone."
"Yeah." Andrea agrees it's becoming clearer to her that Rob is responsible for Neil's beating.
"So the DI continues to investigate alone till he's hit over the head when entering a room. He's dragged in; door locked after him and is bashed with a bat."
"Sounds as though he could have died." Andrea's eyes mist over.
"When the DCI burst into the room the guy had the bat and was going for the DI's head." As Yvonne continues the story Honey enters.
"He was acting strange when he came back to the station. He wouldn't let anyone take him to St Hughes and he went as quickly through debrief as possible. It was as if he desperately had to be someplace." Honey fills in.
"Gabriel was just outside telling anyone who'd listen to him that it couldn't have happened to a nicer person." Yvonne contributes with disgust.
"No one deserves what DI Manson got last night." Honey agrees finally securing her watch to her wrist. "You coming?" She waits holding the door open.
"Yeah."
"I'll be there in a minute." Andrea says, not yet out of her street clothes.
Staring at the pastel painted wall opposite her, Andrea takes stock. She decides her life is a mess and she can see no clear way out of it.
To Be Continued…in the next story. www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net(slash)s(slash)2486705(slash)1