Chapter 3

When Jethro picked up (after a few rings), Hollis didn't give him any time to say anything at all. She just launched herself into the conversation.

"Why did you suggest me to Director Vance?"

"Good morning, Hollis. Nice to talk to you, too. Haven't talked to you for a while. How have you been?"

Hollis rolled her eyes. If ever there was someone who didn't care for small talk, Jethro was the one.

"Why, Jethro? It's been two years. I'm retired. I was never a part of NCIS. Why would you suggest me for a job like that?"

"You offended?"

"Just answer the question."

"Why does it matter...and matter enough that you're calling me at five a.m. to ask?"

"It's not five here."

"Now who's dodging?"

"I asked you first."

"What are you, twelve?"

"No, I'm almost fifty-two years old. I'm retired, and most importantly, I'm a woman who deserves a straight answer."

"Like you gave me?"

"Just answer the question, Jethro. I'll hang up and let you go back to your life." She did not want to get into that again.

There was a long pause.

"Why?" she asked again, but this time the overt antagonism, the accusatory tone was gone.

"Because they deserve the best out there. You could give them that."

"What makes you think I'd be 'the best' for an NCIS team?"

"Why did you care enough about this to call me at...what is it out there, midnight?"

"Because it didn't make any sense to me when Vance told me you made the suggestion...and it doesn't make any sense to me now. We went our separate ways. I don't understand why you would think I'd even be interested."

"You saying you're not?"

"Stop answering questions with questions."

"Then, you answer me. Something not making sense isn't reason enough, not for someone like you, Hol. You're smart enough to think it out...and you're tough enough to put it aside when you can't. So...what is it that made you have to do this...now?"

Now, it was Hollis' turn to pause. She certainly couldn't tell him how conflicted she was feeling...about everything. ...and being "tough enough" didn't seem as much of a compliment as it had a few years ago.

She settled on answering one of the questions he'd asked...not the one he wanted her to answer. "I gave you a straight answer, Jethro. You didn't want what I wanted. Some women would have been satisfied with what you could give...because a little bit of you is more than all of a lot of other men. I wasn't. I couldn't be. I wasn't willing to compromise as much as I would have had to in order to stay. It would have ended...badly. I didn't want it to end that way."

"You're so sure it would have?"

"We were never on the same page, not after the first few months. Heck, we probably weren't even reading the same book." She held back a sigh and kept her calm tone. "We're too much alike, Jethro...neither one willing to give over if we're sure we're right. You couldn't understand why I wouldn't accept what you had to offer. I can't understand why you couldn't offer more."

Another long pause.

"You didn't say all this before."

"Yeah, I did...just not in so many words. You're the expert at reading people, Jethro. Surely, I wasn't hard to read. I think you knew me pretty well, knew what I'd say."

"How much more did you want, Holly?"

Jethro was the only one (other than her eldest brother) who had ever called her Holly.

"We don't need to go into it again, Jethro. That's not why I called."

"Is it why you didn't?"

"I went about things the wrong way, I'll admit that...but while I can accept that you loved your wife and daughter and that you will always love them, I can't accept being shut out."

"That's–"

"Jethro, I didn't call to argue with you," Hollis interrupted, going back to business. "I didn't call out of some silly idea that we'd put aside our differences and suddenly get back together. I called because I wanted to know why you put my name forward as a possibility to replace the OSP team leader."

A brief pause. "I didn't put your name forward, Holly. I put you forward."

Hollis sat down on her bed, annoyed that Jethro could still make her cry. Stupid, get over it. It's over you.

"Maybe you're right. Maybe we couldn't have made it."

A deep breath, intent on not letting her emotions out. Jethro was staying stoic. So could she.

"I was surprised I was even taking up space in your mind. We had a clean break. No loose ends, nothing to cause bitterness, anger. Just acceptance that we weren't right for each other."

She heard a short laugh. "How clean was the break, Hollis? Really."

"Clean enough."

"How much more did you want?"

"Jethro, I won't do this. It's no good digging up the past. You were right about that much."

"No. I was wrong. I was wrong to hide away my family as if I was ashamed of having lost them. I was wrong to assume that they were mine to keep to myself and not let anyone know the...the beauty of what I had."

This was not like the Jethro she had left behind two years ago...but he could still wring a few tears from her eyes. The last man who had been able to make her cry was her father...when he left... for the last time. Even then, the tears hadn't lasted long. She'd had older brothers to take his place. She wiped them away.

"I spent more than half my life trying to find someplace I fit. That's what I'm looking for. That's what I want...and I can't fit if I'm being pushed away. We all have parts of our lives that are hard to deal with. People who lo–...who care for each other don't push each other away. That's how much more I wanted...and how much more you couldn't give." She laughed a bit sadly. "Sometimes...it's just how life goes. You win some. You lose some."

"I think you'd fit in at OSP, Holly. You should try it out."

Hollis sat on her bed for a few seconds before she answered...without answering.

"Thanks for the recommendation, Jethro. I'll...take it under advisement. ...and thank you for answering my question. I appreciate it." Formal speech to keep herself from actually saying anything.

"Bye, Hollis."

"Bye, Jethro." She hung up the phone, dropped it gently on the bed and sighed, running her hands through her hair.

"So much for being over him," she said to herself, grimacing. "So much for the clean break."

Still, she didn't cry again. Instead, she exercised the strength Jethro had ascribed to her and went to bed.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

The birds didn't wake her up. Hollis was awake long before they had left their nests. It was by design, however. She wanted to know what kinds of birds she'd been hearing for the last two years. Why now, she couldn't answer.

Quietly, she got out of bed, threw on her running clothes and went out into her backyard. She had a book of Hawaiian birds...and after an hour of waiting, she was disappointed to discover that most of the birds she'd been hearing were types like skylarks, doves...introduced species, not native Hawaiian birds. She found what she thought must be a Japanese white-eye, but again it was an introduced species. She hadn't seen most of the birds she found before...but she'd been subconsciously expecting to see the unique birds that apparently populated...the rest of Hawaii. Hollis smiled to herself at her silly thought and went out front to wait for her running buddies.

To her surprise (and slight relief), only Lani came up the sidewalk at their running time.

"Where are the others?" Hollis asked.

"Kareem called me and said that he got an interview. I guess he's gussying himself up for the occasion, and Lisa's mom is sick; so she had to stay in. Just you and me, today, kid. You want to set the pace? You rarely get to."

Hollis considered that option. It was tempting. She really wanted to have a hard run and while the running group kept her in shape and was fun, she rarely felt challenged. Her mind was such that she knew that if she set the pace, they'd be covering a lot more ground.

"Probably not a good idea," she said. "I'd leave you in the dust."

"You sure about that?" Lani asked archly.

"I'm no Kareem, Lani. If I set the pace today, not even you would be able to keep up for long."

"That fast?"

"I never could manage running with a group before I retired." She smiled. "We wouldn't be able to have any sort of conversation."

"Okay, why don't I start us off and then I'll let you get out some of your...whatever...and you can set the pace. I'll tell you when I've had enough."

"You sure?"

"Definitely."

Without another word, Lani took off, the pace faster than they usually took but still not nearly as fast as Hollis would have liked. They ran side by side for about fifteen minutes before Lani gestured that Hollis could speed up if she wanted. Hollis gave her a silent questioning glance and received a nod. Instantly, she increased her pace, feeling herself stretch for the wall...it was something she hadn't done while running in over a year. She'd been content with the morning jogs. Not this morning. She wanted more than that. She wanted to see how far, how fast and how long she could go. That was what her runs had always been in the past. Pushing herself farther and farther, trying to find her limit. It allowed her to push away anything other than the exhilaration. No decisions, no regrets...just the run.

All too soon, she heard Lani's voice...from well behind her.

"All right, Hollis. You can slow down now. I give up!"

Hollis slowed her pace abruptly and looked back over her shoulder, with a grin.

Panting heavily, she said, "I told you."

"So you did. Let's take it slow now, shall we?"

"All right."

They jogged very slowly all the way back to their neighborhood. When they reached Hollis' house, and they began to walk, Lani looked at Hollis shrewdly.

"Get it out of your system?"

Hollis smiled and shook her head. "No, but it felt pretty good. Maybe I'll do the Munro Trail...burn off some of my excess energy."

"I have a better idea. Get yourself cleaned up and come over to my place. We'll have a chat...maybe some tea."

"Tea? It's the middle of summer."

"Iced tea, then," Lani said, smiling. "I insist."

With a deep breath, Hollis nodded, although she had an idea of what the topic of conversation would be...and she wasn't sure she really wanted to talk about it. Still, she hadn't had someone she could really confide in for a long time. It might be nice.

"Give me..."

"Take an hour. Relax, Hol."

"I'll work on that. I'm retired, after all. Isn't that what retirement is all about?"

Lani patted her cheek. "Just come on over when you're ready, Hollis."

Hollis felt unexpected tears prick her eyelids and she smiled before turning away quickly, suddenly reminded of her own mother. She walked back toward her house.

She cleared her throat and called over her shoulder. "I'll be there." Then, she broke into a quick sprint that brought her to her own front door in record time...before the tears could actually fall. She wasn't much of a crier; so Hollis wasn't sure what was making her feel like she wanted to cry now of all the times that she could have chosen.

Firmly, she swallowed the tears and walked to her bathroom. Not wanting to waste water, she showered as efficiently as ever, but then, took her time getting ready for the day. Lani had said an hour. An hour was what she'd take. Wrapped in a towel, she stood in front of her closet, looking at her clothes. She felt a sudden urge to wear a skirt.

"For you, Mom," she said with a small smile and pulled it off its hanger.