Season 2, Episode 11: Maneuvres

Captain's Log: Today Commander Chakotay defied chain of command and set off on a solo revenge mission against his ex-lover, Seska, and the Kazons who had stolen a piece of Star Fleet technology from our ship. The Commander was captured by the Kazons, and he requested that Voyager not attempt to rescue him. Of course we rescued him regardless, but his actions leave me feeling somewhat betrayed and more than a little angry.

"Are you out of your damn mind?" Kathryn asked.

"Captain?" Chakotay switched on the bedside lamp to see Kathryn standing in his bedroom, wearing a silver night dress, her hair hanging loose around her shoulders. She could have been an angel if it weren't for the fury in her voice. "It's the middle of the night."

"I know what time it is, Commander," she snapped. "What were you thinking today?"

"All due respect, Captain, but haven't we been through this already? I apologised, and I meant it."

"I almost left you on that Kazon ship, do you know that?" He sat up, running a hand through his hair. Although they had already had this conversation the moment he set foot back on Voyager, there was something different this time. While she had been furious earlier, she had remained cool and guarded, but now he could see the fear in her eyes and he realised he was no longer speaking to Captain Janeway. This was Kathryn; no less formidable, but perhaps just a little less restrained.

"I told you to leave me," he said.

"Oh please," Kathryn said, pacing along the bottom of his bed. "You didn't really expect me to abandon you. You knew I'd come back."

"You just said you nearly left me!" he said, still too startled and drowsy to keep up.

"Yes, nearly!" she said, stopping to bring her hands down on the footboard of his bed, gripping it so tightly that the blood fled from her knuckles. "Do you realise the danger you put the crew in today? You said it was your intention to keep them safe, but instead they ended up under fire from Kazon ships!"

Chakotay pushed off the bedcovers and stood up, frustration waking him up entirely. "I didn't ask you to put them in danger, that was your choice, not mine!"

"Choice?" she echoed with a hollow laugh, turning from him to pace again. "Choice? When are you going to realise, Commander, that when it comes to you, choice is not a luxury I have?"

"Kathryn," he said, putting his hands on her arms to stop her. "Kathryn, look at me." She reluctantly did as he asked, her blue eyes shining, her body tense in his grasp. "I am truly sorry for the pain I've caused you. Going after Seska was… it was something I felt I needed to do."

"Well next time, I'd appreciate if you'd inform me before you go off on some ridiculous suicide mission," she said, the furious tears finally escaping down her cheeks.

"Aye, Captain." He was still holding her by the arms, but he felt her relax minutely at his words.

"In future," she said, "if something is so important to you that you're willing to risk your life, I'll be damned if I'm not there risking mine alongside you." Chakotay smiled and pulled her into an embrace, feeling her cheek warm against his shoulder, the smooth fabric of her nightdress cool against his chest. He felt her fingertips clinging to him, as if she was scared he might disappear again. The day had passed in a blur of anger and determination, as he walked head-on into danger, hellbent on revenge against the woman who had betrayed and humiliated him, but now that he was standing here with Kathryn in his arms, he knew that this was the only woman in the universe who truly mattered. He had let her down, he had almost died, almost lost the chance to have a life with her... His mind flashed with memories of the Kazons restraining him, beating him, drugging him, and he held the Captain even tighter against him.

"Kathryn," he said, his voice cracking. "Would you stay a while?"

They sat together on the end of the bed, each with a cup of tea, talking of nothing in particular, but it was all Chakotay needed to keep the memories of that day firmly beneath the surface. The conversation was easy, he even made her laugh once or twice, but he could see a sadness lurking behind her blue eyes, and it caused him great pain knowing that he was the one who put it there.

"I've been thinking…" Kathryn said, as she drained her cup and placed it on the end table, shifting herself to lie on the bed, her head resting on the headboard. "I don't think having a child aboard Voyager would be a wise decision."

"If this is because of my actions today, I can promise you nothing like that will ever happen again," he said, feeling a rush of panic. Just how badly had he let her down? "Please, Kathryn, you can trust me."

"It's nothing like that," she said, placing a gentle hand on his arm and pulling him up to lie beside her on the bed. "I have every confidence you would make a wonderful father."

"Thank you," he said, feeling marginal relief that he hadn't entirely lost her respect after his escapade.

"I realise it's inevitable that some crew members will have children if this mission lasts for more than a few years, in fact it will be essential for us to have a new generation of crewmen eventually, but the risks that come with it…"

"Risks?"

"Think about it," she said. "When an enemy wants something from us, what do they do?"

"They threaten the most valuable thing we have," he said. "The Captain, the Warp Core, our food reserves."

"And if we have a nursery full of infants on board…"

"The first thing they'll target is the children," he said, solemnly. She nodded.

"I was willing to risk my ship and my crew to save you today, Chakotay. I can't even begin to imagine the things I would do to protect our child."

Chakotay pulled her against him and pressed his lips to her forehead. "Nor can I," he whispered.

"As Captain, my only job should be getting the Voyager back to the Alpha Quadrant," she said, firmly. "To have a child would be selfish. The crew are my wards, they are under my protection and I will get them home."

"And I will be with you every step of the way," Chakotay said, observing her with more admiration and affection than he ever thought possible. He tucked a piece of loose hair behind her ear, his fingers caressing her cheek. He lifted her chin slightly and pressed a kiss to her lips which elicited an seemingly involuntary smile from the Captain.

"I really wish you wouldn't do that," she said.

"Do what?"

"Make me forgive you." She rested her head on his shoulder and let out a small sigh.

"Computer," she said, with an unmistakeable note of disappointment, "cancel Operation Crew Expansion."

"Operation Crew Expansion has been cancelled," replied the automated voice.

Chakotay shifted himself into a more comfortable position and put his arm around Kathryn. "Well we seem to be back where we started," he said, "staring into the unknown."

"I suppose so," she said with a little smile. "Somehow it doesn't seem quite so frightening anymore."

Chakotay fell asleep long before Kathryn. She hadn't even intended to stay the night, but she couldn't help staying there, watching his peaceful face, hearing his calm, rhythmic breathing, feeling his warm skin... she felt a curious sense of urgency, as if this was her last chance to take it all in, as if he might disappear. It took her almost an hour, lying there in Chakotay's arms, to realise why. She sat up, feeling a growing knot in her stomach. She couldn't tell if it was fear, or guilt, or disappointment, or a combination of all three. She eased herself off the bed as quietly as possible and left his room, slipped silently into her own quarters and waited for the morning.

The door to Chakotay's room opened as she approached.

"Captain," he said, smiling in greeting. "I was just about to come and see you."

"Can we talk?" she said.

"Of course," he replied, his expression changing promptly to one of curiosity and concern. "Is something wrong?" She waited for the door to close behind her, and found that she was struggling to make eye contact with her Commander.

"I've been thinking a lot about yesterday," she said. Chakotay sat down on the edge of his bed and let out a sigh.

"Let me guess," he said, dryly. "You want us to keep our relationship strictly professional." She stood for a moment in surprised silence before she replied.

"It's for the best."

"For who?" he asked, a note of anger creeping into his voice as he looked up at her. "Because it's not for the best for me."

"For -"

"Kathryn, I swear, if you tell me it's for the good of the crew -"

"It is!" she snapped. "Chakotay, I lay awake all night imagining what might have happened if the Kazons had boarded Voyager, or destroyed us completely... I would have the blood of hundreds of men and women on my hands because I let my feelings for you interfere with my judgement. I have a duty to these people to get them home to their families."

"So you're just going to sacrifice everything you want?"

"I'm the Captain," she said. "It's my job to make sacrifices."

"Maybe when we're in the Alpha Quadrant on a mission that only lasts a few weeks, but we are going to be out here for the rest of our lives, Kathryn. Don't you understand that?"

"I understand that better than anyone, Commander." The last word sounded cold as it left her mouth, and Chakotay's jaw stiffened minutely.

"Well, Captain," he replied, standing up and watching her cooly, "it seems you've made your decision. I'll see you on the Bridge." He walked passed her towards the door, and she had to stop herself from reaching out and touching his arm.

"Chakotay," she said, all the strength gone from her voice.

"You know," he said, turning back around when he reached the door. "I have no doubt in my mind that you're going to get our crew home. I just wish you'd realise that you don't have to do it alone." The door slid shut behind him and Kathryn stood in the Commander's room for several long moments. The knowledge that she had done the right thing was little consolation when her chest physically ached, the image of Chakotay's pained eyes burned deep into her mind. But she had a job to do. The entire point of ending her relationship with Chakotay was so stop her personal feelings overlapping into her professional life, so she took one deep breath, cleared her mind of everything except the job at hand, and strode out onto the Bridge.

"Lieutenant Paris," she said, settling down in her chair beside the Commander. "Report."