SOMETHING WORTH FIGHTING FOR

Disclaimer: The characters in CSI: New York do not belong to me. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.

Summary: 'Are you just going to give up, or are you going to fight for what you want?' Some choice words from a family member spur Lindsay Monroe into action over her increasingly shaky relationship with a certain Danny Messer.

Notes: Okay viewers so this week's episode belongs to Danny – time to get inside his head for a little while…

OOOOOO

Episode 3: Introspection

The next day…

When Danny's cell phone sounded for perhaps the fourth time that morning, he purposely ignored it - as he had done the other three times it had rung since he'd woken up a few hours earlier. Still dressed in his pyjama bottoms, he lay prone on his bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling with his heart and mind in emotional overload. He was struggling to focus his brain enough for coherent thought, but he knew he had to pull himself together soon or his whole life was going to implode on him like a tower block undergoing demolition.

He'd called in sick an hour or so ago, and it had been clear from the tone of Mac's voice that he hadn't believed a word of his rather half-hearted claims of flu. He'd let him get away with it however - something that only made Danny feel worse in the end. He'd much rather his boss had given him short shrift over his lack of work ethics instead of showing the compassion that he had. Now, not only was he dodging the bullet with his car-crash of a love life, he was doing the same with his career also. As if his life wasn't complicated enough.

His bubble of denial had well and truly popped that was for sure. The tears he'd witnessed on Lindsay's cheeks last night, the pain he'd seen in her eyes as well as the emotional agony he'd heard in her voice - he couldn't brush it aside, he couldn't pretend it hadn't happened. She'd made something of a joke out of him forgetting her birthday, but she wasn't pulling any punches this time around. She'd opened her heart to him with breath-taking clarity and what she'd revealed had knocked him right on his proverbial ass.

He'd been dealt a timely punch in the gut when she'd asked him if he'd been unfaithful to her. He'd not broken her trust in that way, but had she been right? Would he have done so if things between him and Rikki had taken a turn in that direction? Would he have betrayed the woman who'd been the sole object of his desire for well over a year now? Taking a good, hard look in the mirror, he was disgusted to find that he probably would. Not consciously or deliberately, but in his desperate need to fulfil his obligation to his bereaved neighbour, he could have over-stepped the mark and done the unthinkable to his steadfastly loyal girlfriend.

It was a sobering thought, realising how low he might have stooped in his campaign to make amends for his fatal mistake. He was not a cheater by nature, never had been – a serial monogamist with an occasionally indecent amount of time between one woman and the next in his youth, yes, but a cheater? No, definitely not. He'd always ended one relationship before moving onto the next one, ever since he'd first begun to notice the appeal of the opposite sex in actual fact.

So now he found himself with a tough decision to make – to hold on or to let go, to move on or to stay put? Rikki's continued wellbeing was his duty-bound responsibility, but he didn't want to lose Lindsay, he really didn't. She was the light in his day whereas Rikki was his atonement for the dark. They each exerted their own separate pull on him, but which one would eventually win the emotional tug of war? The answer would leave one of them out in the cold and that was what Danny couldn't reconcile himself with. How could he be with one but stand by and watch the other flounder? It was unthinkable to him, and because of that he remained locked in a perpetual cycle of indecision, a man with no idea of which way to turn.

An over-zealous knocking on the door jerked him sharply out of his reverie then. Rolling out of bed, he went to answer it and discovered a determined-looking Flack standing out in the corridor. Dressed casually in jeans, a monogrammed t-shirt and a worn leather jacket, it was apparent that the dark-haired detective was not on shift for the second time in as many days.

"Two days off in a row, Donnie boy – isn't that career suicide?" Danny quipped as his friend shouldered him aside and stepped over the threshold without waiting to be invited in.

"It was either use 'em or lose 'em," Flack said as he shrugged out of his jacket and tossed the garment over the back of the nearest armchair.

"Mac told me you were sick," he went on as Danny closed the door behind him.

"He sent you over here to check up on me, didn't he?"

"He suggested that I drop by, yeah," Don confirmed with a nod. "Apparently a certain Detective Monroe is not her usual spritely self this morning either – although she at least showed up for work, which is more than can be said for her lazy-ass colleague."

"Mmm," Danny said noncommittally, and then shuffled bare-foot towards the kitchen. "Coffee?" he offered over his shoulder.

"Don't mind if I do," Flack said in reply. "I brought donuts," he added, holding up the striped box in his right hand as evidence.

"Cops and donuts - that's so cliché," Danny remarked as he filled the coffee-machine with water.

"Ahh, but some clichés are good to conform to," Flack said with a grin. "This one in particular," he added as he deposited the box on the counter-top, selected a sugary ring and proceeded to take an appreciative bite.

His expression turned serious then. "So, I take it the fact that you and Linds left me an' Jess high and dry with the bill last night was not the good sign that we hoped it was then?" he enquired.

Danny rubbed at the back of his neck. "Lindsay said to tell you both sorry about skipping out on you like that, but I…" He stopped and sighed. "I guess I forgot," he finished lamely.

Truth was his mind had been anywhere but on his financial obligations. After Lindsay had taken off, he'd headed home without sparing a moment's thought for his waiting dinner companions. There'd been more important things for him to consider.

"Lindsay barely ate anything anyway, but you owe me fifteen bucks," Flack told him bluntly. "But we can settle up later. First, you're going to tell me what's going on with you and everybody's favourite country girl from Montana – she finally ripped you a new one, huh?"

"Don't sound so pleased about it," Danny said with a note of complaint in his voice.

"Well, you did have it coming," Flack said. "You've not exactly been the model boyfriend these past couple of months, have you? Spending all your time with another woman is very bad form, Messer… It's not cool, man, not cool at all," he finished disapprovingly.

"To be fair there are extenuating circumstances," Danny defended weakly.

"Which of course makes it all perfectly okay," Flack returned sarcastically, and then shook his head. "Whatever else is going on in your life, Danny, Lindsay doesn't deserve to be messed around like this. Don't you know how worried about you she's been, huh? Or are you as blind to that as you are to her pain?"

Danny leant his elbows against the kitchen counter and dropped his face into his hands. "No, no," he said, "I just…" He lifted his head to shoot an enquiring look at his friend. "You think I'm sleeping with Rikki too, don't you?"

Flack shrugged. "After seeing the way you were with her in that alleyway a couple of weeks ago, and then again when you brought her down to the precinct later…" He paused to let the implications of his observations register before continuing. "Well, truth is – when Lindsay asked me about it, I couldn't categorically say you weren't - which should tell you just how far off the reservation you are right now. I mean when one of your closest friends doesn't trust you to be doing the right thing then there's gotta be something wrong, hasn't there?"

Danny sighed. "I don't want to hurt Lindsay, I swear I don't, but Rikki – she… she needs me…"

"Rikki needs someone," Flack corrected, "Whether that someone is you is debatable."

"I haven't slept with her, I swear…"

"But that's not to say you wouldn't have done I take it?" Flack deduced, quickly picking up on the hidden inference in those rather too insistent words of denial.

Danny's silence was his reply and he shook his head in exasperation. "Jesus Messer! Can't you see how messed up that is? I mean, how long has Rikki lived in this apartment block, huh? Three years? Four even? If you're so damn attracted to her, why haven't you made a move before now? I mean she'd be an easier prospect than Lindsay any day, wouldn't she? There's nothing more complicated than getting involved with someone you work with and yet Lindsay was the woman you chose to pursue. You've barely even given Rikki a second glance up until now."

"So I wanted Lindsay, is that a crime?" Danny demanded irritably.

"No, but it's something you need to consider. Ruben died and suddenly that flipped a switch inside of you? Come on, Dan – you and Lindsay were practically joined at the hip until a couple of months ago. What you're feeling for Rikki is obligation, pure and simple. It isn't real. It's a projection of the guilt you feel about that little boy. Please tell me you're not going to throw away the real deal for a pale, twisted imitation of it."

"Maybe that's what I deserve for not keeping a better eye on Ruben…"

"You mean it's up to you to take care of his mother now that he's gone whether you want to or not?" Flack said as he poured himself a steaming cup of hot coffee.

Danny nodded in reply, his face a mask of agonising guilt.

Flack sighed. "You can't keep blaming yourself, you know. At some point you've got to accept that the whole thing was just a tragic accident, a horrible twist of fate that you had no conscious control over. But that's beside the point anyway - maybe you feel it's what you deserve, but what about Lindsay, huh? Think about the hurt you're causing her. Does she deserve that? You've been cutting her out of the equation, focusing all your attention on Rikki and how she feels. But Lindsay… well, she deserves better from you than that, you know she does. It's incredibly unfair of you to make this only about you and Rikki."

This was pretty much what Lindsay had said to him the previous night and it hit home just as hard. "You make it all sound so simple!" Danny burst out, pushing away from the kitchen counter and moving to pace agitatedly up and down the apartment's living room. "Why can't anybody see how complicated this is?"

"Except it's not, is it?" Flack said, taking a contemplative sip of his drink as the light finally dawned, "You know what I think? I think you already know what the answer is - you're just struggling with the consequences of what that means for yourself as well as for Rikki."

"She said she'd fallen in love with me," Danny said dully as if he still couldn't quite believe that Lindsay had admitted to that.

Flack rolled his eyes. "Well 'doh!' to quote a certain cartoon character. What planet have you been living on if you don't already know that? You don't risk your career for a bit of fun, do you? The two of you were sensible not to rush into anything too serious, too soon, but you've been together for months now. How else were you expecting things to develop, huh?"

Danny studied his feet. "I guess I'd not really thought about it."

Flack scoffed. "Sure you had – you've just let Ruben's death get in the way of where the two of you were headed. You've been sublimating your feelings for Lindsay because it's taking all of your energy to keep yourself together for Rikki. You wanna fall apart, but you can't because you have to be strong for her. Lindsay offered to share the load, but you pushed her away, and now you're stuck between a rock and a hard place with nowhere left to turn."

"Yeah and don't I know it," Danny lamented darkly.

"Well, face it buddy, you've only got yourself to blame for that," Flack said with a distinct lack of sympathy for his friend's self-induced predicament. "And you know what else? It could have been so different, but now you're going to have to make a choice, because I seriously doubt that Lindsay's gonna accept Rikki as part of your lives for much longer. And you can hardly blame her for that, can you? Not after what you've just told me anyway. She isn't stupid, you know. She's gotta know how close to crossing the line you've gotten."

"So what do you suggest I do then?" Danny asked.

Flack shrugged. "I can't tell you that. It's your choice to make. All I will say is that I've never seen a woman make you as happy as being with Lindsay does. Maybe you should think about why that is, huh? Maybe you should think about exactly how much you're prepared to lose too, because if you turn her away now, it's gonna be one hell of an uphill struggle to win her back if you change your mind later."

There was silence, but Flack could see that the message was finally starting to sink in. He'd said his piece, now it was up to Danny to put the shattered jigsaw puzzle of his life back together again. Draining the last dregs of his coffee, he helped himself to a second donut before going over to retrieve his leather jacket from the back of the armchair. Before he left however, he threw one more parting shot over his shoulder for good measure.

"I'd also think about how you'd feel about seeing her with someone else if I were you," he said as he moved towards the door, "Because a woman as great as Lindsay is not going to remain single forever, however much she might have once loved another."

After Flack had left, Danny went through into the bathroom to take a shower in an attempt to clear the fuzz from his brain. It didn't do much good though; he was just as confused when he emerged from the spray as he was when he'd stepped under it. The only benefit was that he was more alert and therefore able to think things through a bit more rationally.

Don's visit had helped, but he was struggling to feel grateful for that right now. His friend had been like a persistent woodpecker, tap, tap, tapping at his emotional defences until they lay in shards at his feet. He'd certainly provided food for thought and had cleverly saved the best for last – Danny hated the idea of Lindsay with anyone else. He'd been sucker-punched good and proper with that particular pronouncement. She was his, nobody else's, which meant he had to pull his head out of his ass and do something about it before it was too late.

But what was he supposed to do about Rikki? He couldn't abandon her, he couldn't. She was relying on him to get her through this. Who would be there for her if he wasn't? All of her family lived out of state. She'd moved here to get away from her ex, whose drink and drug problem she'd no longer been able tolerate especially after it had begun to adversely affect their son. She'd wanted Ruben to have a better life, free from that kind of negativity, so she'd bravely left behind her previous existence and moved to New York to begin anew. She'd wanted a more positive male role model for her boy too - something she thought she'd found in the man who lived across the hall - the man who, ironically, had ultimately cost her beloved son his precious young life.

Danny knew that Flack was right however – his confused feelings for Rikki didn't come from a place of genuine attraction, they weren't real in that respect. He'd always considered her to be a beautiful woman, but he'd never seriously entertained any thoughts of a relationship with her. What he was feeling for her now was all down to his overwhelming guilt at having failed to prevent Ruben's tragic death. In his heart of hearts, he did know that.

As for Lindsay… well, she'd captured his attention from the very first moment he'd clapped eyes on her. It hadn't been her looks so much - although that pretty face and sexy little body of hers had definitely been worth a second glance - it had been more about the way she'd responded to his new girl hazing. She'd bantered back at him with an easy confidence that had belied her otherwise shy demeanour and he'd been intrigued by the dichotomy in that.

He'd watched her flutter anxiously around Mac like a nervous butterfly that first morning at the Zoo, and yet she'd asked him whether he'd ever seen what a black bear could do to a person without even blinking. He'd pissed her off when he'd manipulated her into calling Mac 'Sir' too, and those cute little feline claws had come out in retaliation. Never one to turn down a challenge, he hadn't been able to resist finding out just how deep they might scratch.

Of course he'd set himself up for a fall with that one, had let her get completely under his skin in the process. She brought out his protective side too – as the Holly's case had so aptly proved. He supposed that's why he'd almost instinctively drawn away from her when Ruben's death had led to a sudden closing of the emotional gap between them. If he'd let her be there for him like she'd wanted to be, it would be like admitting that he needed her in a way that he hadn't been ready to accept.

The last thing he'd wanted to do was hurt her though, but that's what he'd unthinkingly gone and done. He'd made her cry and she was tough little cookie, his Montana. She'd had to be with the life she'd had and yet he'd sliced through her defences and reduced her to tears with his casual indifference towards her. He was heartily ashamed of himself for that, but he was unsure of how to make things right. He could cut off all contact with Rikki, focus all his attention back on the main woman in his life, but would he be able to live with himself if he deserted his neighbour in that way? Wanting the love that Lindsay was offering him was selfish, but putting Rikki's needs above his girlfriend's wasn't right either. She hadn't done anything to deserve that. The sins were his to atone for - Lindsay was an innocent bystander and it was wrong to punish her for his mistake.

And what about her claim that she understood what he was going through more than anyone else, more than Rikki even? He couldn't deny the truth in that assertion now that it had been laid out so eloquently before him. Here was the perfect shoulder for him to lean on therefore – a shoulder that he'd rejected out of what? Fear? Guilt? He no longer knew exactly why to be perfectly honest. All he knew was that now that he'd finally hit rock bottom, that hand that he'd initially brushed aside? Well, he wanted to grab hold of it tightly and never let go of it ever again.

Lindsay was his heart's choice; there was no doubt in his mind about that. What was making him hesitate was whether he could live with the consequences of that choice. Would he resent her for making him put her first in spite of how justified her demands might be? Would his conscience be able to handle not being so beholden to Rikki's needs because of that? He didn't know and that was where his dilemma lay. Flack was right, he only had himself to blame. If he'd handled the situation differently from the start, he wouldn't be where he was today. He was trapped in a cage of his own making, and now he had to figure out the best way out of it for all concerned.

He needed to get out of here, he decided. He needed to clear the cobwebs from his brain so that he could think straight instead of going round and round in endless circles. His mind conjured up an image his Harley and he felt the chains around his heart loosen a little. Whenever he'd had a big decision to make in the past, being out on the open road had always helped. It was still relatively early in the day – he could get out of the city for a while and make it back not too long after nightfall. Maybe with the freedom of the ride, everything would become clearer to him. It was worth a try at least. It wasn't as if he was making much progress procrastinating over things here. His mind made up, he collected his keys, phone, jacket and helmet and headed determinedly out the door.

About forty-five minutes later, he stopped off at a small convenience store on the outskirts of the city to buy some provisions, and it was there that he was struck with another lightning bolt of clarity. As he aimlessly wandered the aisles tossing various items into his basket, he heard male and female laughter coming from somewhere up near the front of the store. The sound was so full of carefree exhilaration that it drew his attention almost immediately.

As he rounded the corner of the last aisle, he spotted the young couple up ahead. They were standing close together by the rack of candy bars near the till. The girl had her arms wrapped around her boyfriend's neck while his arms were looped loosely around her waist, his fingertips cheekily grazing the pert curve of her jean-clad bottom. As Danny watched, the man bent closer to whisper something in her ear and then instinctively drew back to watch for her reaction. Whatever he'd said made her throw back her head and laugh delightedly, and the smile on the guy's face widened into a broad grin as a result.

Danny felt the breath leave his lungs with a whoosh. The couple seemed so happy and relaxed in each other's company that it was as if nothing could divide them. He and Lindsay used to be like that, he realised – he remembered the two of them acting very similar only three and a half months before in actual fact.

It had been during their one-and-only weekend away together, and they'd headed up-state for the duration, stopping off at a store very like this one on the way. Freed from the restraints of their working lives, they'd both been in high spirits, laughing and joking as they wandered the aisles together. He'd done something very similar to this guy he remembered, had leaned in close and whispered something outlandish in her ear with the express purpose of making her laugh. Lindsay had reacted exactly like this girl and he remembered feeling ridiculously pleased with himself at having drawn such a vibrant response from her.

He'd not termed it love at the time, but he understood now that that's what it was. It had been his very first thought as he looked at this couple, and anybody observing him and Lindsay that day would have thought exactly the same thing. Flack's words from earlier sounded in his head as if to emphasise this undeniable fact.

'You don't risk your career for a bit of fun, do you? How else were you expecting things to develop, huh?'

Why had he chosen to pursue a relationship with Lindsay when common sense should have told him to leave it alone? It was because he couldn't get her out of his head, that's why. He'd made a valiant attempt to keep things on a strictly platonic level between them, but it hadn't worked. After a year of wanting and wondering he'd finally taken fate into his own hands and asked her out on a date. It had taken them another seven months or so to get their fledgling relationship off the ground of course, but ever since then they'd never looked back.

'I've never seen a woman make you as happy as being with Lindsay does. Maybe you should think about why that is, huh?'

That was the billion dollar question wasn't it? Why was it so different with Lindsay? Why hadn't his interest waned when in most of his previous relationships he'd gotten bored after just a few months? Another flashback provided him with the likely answer.

'I lost my best friend and my lover with no warning whatsoever.'

That's what Lindsay had said to him last night and it was telling that she'd termed him her best friend first and her lover second. He supposed that was it - he'd never really been friends with any woman he'd been involved with before. Was that what set this relationship apart from all the rest? It was something to think about at any rate.

After paying for his items, he left the store and headed across the parking lot towards his waiting bike. His cell phone rang just as he was stashing his lunch into the pannier on the back, and this time he chose to look at it. His stomach dropped when he saw the name on the display – Rikki – had she been calling him all morning? His thumb hovered in mid-air, his heart and mind locked in an internal struggle over which button to press. In the end he pressed neither and instead waited until she finally gave up and ended the call herself. Checking the phone's log, he noticed that all but one of his missed calls had been from her.

The all too familiar guilt clutched painfully at his stomach. He couldn't bring himself to completely ignore her, but he didn't want to talk to her all the same. Not now, not when he had so much else on his mind. He owed Lindsay a fair hearing. She'd asked him to think seriously about what he wanted from their relationship and he wasn't going to let her down in that respect. His priorities had subtly shifted overnight – today belonged to his girlfriend and the choice that she'd requested him to make. He couldn't allow Rikki to distract him from that goal. His resolve strengthened, he composed a brief text and sent it before he could change his mind.

'Sorry – caught up at work. Can't talk right now.'

Not waiting for a reply, he switched his cell to silent, and then climbed astride his bike. After fastening his helmet securely under his chin, he gunned the engine, kicked off from the ground and manoeuvred the bike out of the parking lot and onto the open road.

Accelerating down the highway, his thoughts returned to Lindsay and her ultimatum. He'd debated things long enough, he decided. The time had finally arrived for him to make a conscious choice about the way ahead…

To be continued…