Sara sat across from her sister at the small kitchen table Could she even just say sister anymore? Her sister. She watched as her twin wrapped her lips around a mug with her face- their face- on it and drink her morning cup of coffee, sighing at whatever news she was reading on her twitter feed. Sara drank her coffee too, peeling her eyes away from this goddamned mirror to look at Mickey as he rubbed himself across her legs.
She tried to shake him off but he just sat on her foot. Such a dumbass, she thought. Finishing her coffee, she stood up, meaning to take her mug to the sink; she collected her sister's now empty mug, too. There was a plate in front of her sister with toast, she would take it later.
She sighed when Tegan wouldn't make eye contact with her, again. She tried to shake off the hurt and rejection she felt. It had been like this since she had gotten back from her trip to New York City three weeks ago. There was barely any conversation between the two of them, just painstaking silence.
Tegan slept in the guest room, now.
Sara had gone to the airport to pick up her sister from her trip; she had paid the $60 the Uber had cost her to welcome her sister home. She had been gone for 3 weeks now, and she missed Tegan's company. She wasn't exactly comfortable with being affectionate, especially in public, but she needed to hug her. And when they would arrive home, she would kiss her.
She saw Tegan walk through the gates through the multitude of people; Sara's heart beat faster. She felt her palms become sweaty and her stomach was doing flips. She walked towards her, making her way to the love of her life. Once Tegan saw her, she didn't smile. There was a flicker of recognition, maybe a moment of dread, but they kept their eyes on one another. Sara didn't know what to think.
They reached each other, Sara was wanting to wrap her in a hug. She tried, but Tegan flinched backward.
That fucking hurt.
The oldest of the two cleared her throat and looked away. "My suitcase should be here now."
Tegan slept in the guest that night.
And every night since.
They were just roommates, it seemed. Tegan didn't talk to her, she was gone all day. Whenever Sara tried to spend time with her, Tegan would give her a half-assed excuse as to why she couldn't.
Sara turned her back to her sister and walked to the sink, washing the mugs to get rid of any trace of coffee. She scrubbed the bottom of Tegan's until her wrist hurt from the motion. Lost in the motions and in her thoughts, she didn't realize she was crying until she felt a drop on her forearm. How could she stop it? That's all she did, lately. Just cry. Was Tegan going to end it? End the band? Her anxiety took over once again, wracking her small frame with intrusive thoughts.
She felt Tegan next to her, holding the plate that once held her toast, and her twin's eyes glued to her face.
"Why are you crying, Sara?" It was hard to hear, but she heard it. Giving the mug one last rinse, she turned off the water and sighed. She used her forearms to dry off her face, her hands still wet. Tegan laid the plate down on the sink and waited for an answer, eyebrows deep with worry. Now she cared?
I fucked it all up. I messed up. She doesn't love me. She won't look at me. She won't touch me. She wants to break up. The band is gonna break up. The foundation is done for. I fucked everything up.
Sara reached for a kitchen towel, turning around and drying her hands. Breathe. Breathe. She leaned against the counter, reaching back and picked up the mug with their faces on it and began drying it, too. She finally looked at her twin, at her lover.
"Tegan… are you breaking up with me? Is that why you won't talk to me? You don't sleep in the same bed anymore. You won't look at me. You won't… " She could barely get the words out, "you won't hug me." She wanted to know, but at the same time, she really didn't. She had pushed Tegan away, now Tegan barely acknowledged their relationship, it seemed.
The older didn't reply right away. She leaned against the counter, like her identical counterpart. The eye contact felt like too much to take. It felt like hours before Tegan spoke, eyes on the floor.
"I made a pass at Emy."
The mug shattered against the tile floor of the kitchen, the pieces scattering free. Mickey ran away, it was sudden and frightening. Was this what Sara's heart looked like? Pieces on the floor?
Tegan jumped at the crash, the sound scaring her. She gulped and finally looked at Sara, but she wishes she hadn't. Her twin was pale, eyes wide and glued to the floor. Her hands gripped the counter behind her but if you looked close enough, you could see the shake in them. Her mouth was slightly agape, trying to regulate her breathing. This is all on me now, Tegan thought.
"Sara…", she didn't know how to begin. "Sara please say something." She tried to reach for her but Sara reeled away from her, her face screwing up with emotion as she looked at her identical counterpart. Anger. Confusion. Denial. Disappointment. Sadness. Heartbreak. Anger, again.
Breathe. Breathe. Her chest was getting tighter, she would need her puffer soon. And the longer she looked at Tegan, the higher the chances of her crying were, but she wouldn't give her the pleasure of seeing that. Not then, anyway.
The silence was scary. Tegan tried again. She needed to fix it, so she stepped closer. She was beginning to shake, her stomach building up an unwelcome amount of acid. Shake it off. This isn't about you, you selfish cunt.
"Sara… baby, ple-", her sentence was interrupted by Sara's open palm smacking her across the cheek, the slap echoing in the room. Tegan stepped back, her hand cupping the offended cheek, eyes wide and carrying tears.
"Fuck you, Tegan." Sara delivered that sentence like one would deliver a punch, straight, with no hesitations. She would not allow herself to fall for meaningless nicknames.
Sara turned away from her and assessed the mess on the floor. She took a few steps back and lurched forward, jumping across the damn pieces, the fractured faces mocking her. She thought she had cleared all the pieces but was wrong when she stepped forward and a sharp piece stabbed the bottom of her foot. She flinched and bent down, lifting her foot to get the small offender out. When she saw that she was not bleeding, she tossed the piece blindly over her should. She turned back, looked at what once was a mug, and walked back to her room.
"Sara, please open the door," Tegan sighed for what seemed to be the thousandth time that hour. She smelled weed from Sara's room and didn't know what kind of destructive mood she was in.
After Sara walked away, she stood in the kitchen, where Sara had left her. She cried at her mistake, she cried at her impatience and she cried at the hurt she had caused her sister. It was one thing to make a pass at someone, but it was a completely different thing to make a pass at your current lover's ex-wife. She broke so many rules, and then some. Out of solidarity, as a girlfriend, she shouldn't have tried to cheat. Out of solidarity as a sister, she should not have picked her sister's ex, no matter how close they all were.
After standing frozen in the kitchen for over an hour, she pulled the broom and the dustpan from the closet and cleaned up the mug. Their faces were shattered, now. Was their relationship shattered, too? Tegan couldn't help but wonder if this was the last straw.
After cleaning up, she went to the guest room where she had been staying at. She felt too guilty to sleep next to Sara after she had come back, so she moved back to this room and left Sara in the other room they had shared for a brief amount of time.
Changing into a pair of dark blue workout leggings and a matching sports bra, she made her way to the living room. Typically she wouldn't be comfortable in little clothing, but it was hot in Los Angeles and she needed to do yoga to calm her body and mind after the events of this morning. She knew Sara needed time alone and she would give her whatever Sara needed.
30 minutes of body bending yoga turned into an hour, and one hour turned into two. Tegan's hair stuck to her forehead with sweat as she came into a warrior one pose, her arms shaking to stay up. Her thighs screamed as she bent more, and her heart was beating out of her chest from exhaustion and lack of water. Her messy ponytail had fallen out and her scalp was soaked in sweat. She sighed as she stood up, her aching muscles relieved they were not going to be working to that level anymore.
Drinking water, she looked down the hall towards the room Sara was in. She chewed her ice, eyes glued to the door.
She could leave Sara alone. Maybe Sara was done after today. After all, she was still trying to accept things as they were between them, maybe this would change her mind. But no, she had been going to therapy to talk this out. Tegan has gotten a few messages while in New York City, saying things like "therapy was really good today", or "I should've done this sooner", so maybe she was feeling better. Maybe it was Tegan's selfish mistake and pride that would end things. But how long did Sara have to be locked up in the room? Holiday was in with her and even if Sara didn't need to come out, she would have to open the door to let the cat out at some point.
Getting more water from the refrigerator water dispenser, she walked towards the room. Fuck it, she thought. She had hurt Sara and now she needed to woman up and talk to her. Apologize. Beg. Plead. She would do it all if it meant Sara would be with her.
So there she sat, outside the door. She knocked on the wood repeatedly but Sara still hadn't said a word from the other side. Her butt was starting to hurt from sitting on the floor for so long. Tegan chewed the last bit of her ice from the tall glass, standing up, now. She left the glass on the floor and took a deep breath, smelling the potent aroma of earthy marijuana from the other side of the door.
"Sara come on… can we please talk about this?", she begged.
Nothing.
"Sara, baby. Please let me explain. Please don't give up on us without me letting explain. I'm so…", her voice broke, "I'm so sorry, Sara. I love you so much and I would take it back if I could. Please, Sara… I'm your sister!"
That must do it, she thought. It did.
She heard the heavy stomps of her sister's footsteps and then the door being unlocked. Soon enough, swollen red eyes met tear-filled ones.
"If I were just your sister, this wouldn't be a fucking problem!", Sara roared at Tegan. "If I were just your sister, then I wouldn't be filled with anxiety and intrusive thoughts at the end of the day when I try to sleep! If I were just your sister, I wouldn't give a fuck about who you make moves at!", Sara barked at her. Her eyes were angry and hurt, her face wet from her own tears.
She walked to the bed, facing the patio and looking out her neighborhood of Silver Beach. "But I'm not your sister, Tegan. I will never be just your sister," she sobbed.
The older twin stood at the door, trying to find her footing in this room. She wiped the tears and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down but glad that Sara had opened the door. Holiday ran past her and out towards the rest of the house. Tegan noticed the bong and Sara's wooden box of paraphernalia sitting by the door to the patio, surely close to being empty.
"You're… the love of my life," Tegan spoke in a monotone voice. She needed to keep calm. "I never wanted to hurt you. Please… please understand that my intentions were not to be hurtful."
Sara didn't look at her, but her back was stiff, jaw clenched at the words she was hearing from Tegan. She wanted to keep her pride, but she was also very high. Her body was buzzing, her ears were ringing a bit.
"I wanted to feel wanted. I wanted to feel like I was loved. And I should have waited and I should have been more patient. I was just so incredibly sad and we were drinking… the drinking doesn't justify it, but my inhibitions were low. I am sorry", Tegan's voice got closer to Sara's body, now. "Please, Sara, l… please don't give up. I don't need sex. I don't need you to hold my hand. I just want you to be there with me. You're more than my sister. You are my business partner, my first friend, my companion, my housemate, my love. I adore you with such an intense amount. That's all I've known for over twenty years. Your love, it's all I need. Please don't leave me, Sara."
Tegan was full out crying now, sitting next to her. Neither of them looked at each other. Sara's body was still buzzing, just not as much. I guess I've built a tolerance.
Breathe. Breathe.
"You… you strayed." Sara spoke quietly. "I didn't expect that of you. You… you have never thought about cheating in all your relationships. And then you… you strayed to my ex-wife. It was like…", Sara took a shaky breath, her knuckles turning white. "It was like you punched me in the gut."
Tegan shook her head, her eyes clenched shut and producing tears nonstop. She wanted to take it back.
Before she could say anything back to Sara, her twin spoke again.
"But I deserved it. I've done it to so many people before… it was only bound to happen to me. I just wasn't expecting it to come from you. I wish I could simply not care… I wish I could be more like you." Tegan knew how much it took for Sara to say that. "But the universe made an incestual whore and is punishing me for it."
What does one reply to that? What could Tegan say that would make Sara feel better. Slowly, she slid her hand towards Sara's and grasped it, feeling relief when her lover didn't pull away.
She tried to push her luck.
"If you're an incestual whore, then I am two of them," she tried a joke. Uncertain, red eyes looked at one another for a long time. Slowly, Sara moved closer to her so that their shoulders were touching. The hand that wasn't holding Tegan's came to rest on her twin's thigh, and Sara kept her eyes there for a moment. Tegan's heart beat inside of its cage, but she didn't move.
Breathe. Breathe.
Sara licked her lips and slowly, brought her face up to Tegan's. She looked at the lips before her, pink and bitten from the anxiety.
She leaned in and touched them with her own, their lips fusing together. It was sweet and tender, slow and passionate. Neither of them had good breath, but neither cared. Tegan cupped Sara's defined jaw, sighing as she finally closed her eyes and enjoyed the kiss. Sara's grip on Tegan's thigh tightened, her body coming to life after kissing Tegan for the first time in over a month. A month. How could she have gone a month without kissing these lips? And twenty years? It seems impossible. They were so soft. Pouty, red, gentle. Neither of them wanted this kiss to end.
But fucking Mickey sat on Sara's feet, scaring her drug-induced mind and made her jump back with a gasp. Tegan's eyes were closed, her hand gripping Sara's hard. She opened them slowly and Sara noticed the blush on her cheeks and how her chest struggled to catch her breath. She noticed the tight bra on the chest in front of her.
"Do… do you forgive me?", Tegan hesitantly asked. Her eyes were hopeful, her bottom lip bitten between two rows of slightly crooked teeth.
Sara could only nod towards her. She hugged her sister, finally. This is what I wanted at the airport. This simple hug, it was so tight and both held on to one another, simply enjoying the feeling of one another. Their breaths in sync, Sara smiled. Mickey left when she shifted the position that her legs were at, breathing deeply again.
"Hey, Tegan?" Sara whispered.
"Hmm?" The response was brief.
"Go shower. You smell."
"Hey! That's not nice!" Tegan pulled away and stood up, walking towards the room door with a smile. Sara was quick to catch up and, feeling bold, spanked Tegan's bottom that looked so irresistible in those leggings. The older of the two gasped and blushed, in shock.
"Go, shower," Sara's voice was like a purr in her ear. "And then maybe, we can go on a date. I'll take my girl out and show her a good time. A sister date." Sara walked towards the kitchen and looked over her shoulder, winking at her sister.
Tegan could only mumble. "Fuck me."