Density

Chapter Three- An Obsession, A Meeting and The Second Lesson.

Sirius' father had been expounding the good qualities of one potential marriage partner for the last twenty minutes and Sirius hadn't caught a word of it. His brow was furrowed and his mind elsewhere. He was nibbling on his lower lip when his father finally challenged his attentiveness.

"Sirius, have you heard a thing I've said?"

"No, I haven't, sorry."

"This is important, I know it's boring, but if you don't pay attention now you might find yourself with someone… well, someone like…" Arcturus tilted his head toward the closed door of his study.

"Mother?"

"Don't get me wrong, she's a fine woman from a good stock, her family's purity on a par with my own and as a young lady she had all of the grace, beauty and sophistication a man could ask for. She bore me two fine sons, suitable to carry my name and bloodline… but nowadays her voice makes me want to bite down on a dungbomb and hope that at the end of it they can't even salvage an eyeball."

Sirius had always loved his father's sense of humour. So few people knew about it because propriety dictated that his father should conduct himself with a dignified gravity at all times while in public. In private however he had a quick wit and his sense of the absurd was delightful.

"Sorry, my mind has been elsewhere. With my duties to the Dark Lord I can't help but wonder if a frivolous thing like marriage should be a priority." In reality the latest picture that he had been shown was a perfect candidate, a beautiful girl, from a wealthy, highly respected family. She was, without a doubt, exactly the woman Sirius needed to fulfil his familial duties but her piercing green eyes and sandy hair had sent a jolt through Sirius. He had trouble enough keeping the infernal beast Lupin from his thoughts, but with someone like her around the house… He shuddered to think.

"It's not the marriage that matters, it's the heirs that are born from it. The bloodline must be maintained. Your cousin couldn't understand that, that's why she no longer appears on the family tree. Her filthy half-blood offspring is a stain on us all. The match must be made, your family duties demand the birth of an heir and a spare."

"I will think about it and give it the proper consideration it deserves, may I be excused? I promised Reg I'd look over his Transfiguration homework before he hands it in on Tuesday he owled it this morning."

"When the time comes are you going to wear his dark mark for him? " Arcturus chuckled and shook his head. "Go on then, look after your brother."

"Wouldn't want to upset the spare." Sirius grinned cheekily, dodging the book that was hurled at him by his laughing father.

"Nice try, old man. You throw like a troll." Sirius shot over his shoulder as he reached the door.

"Don't talk about your mother like that."

…

Beside the parchment Reg had sent him sat an unmarked envelope. Sirius had hired a very discreet investigator and had waited some weeks for the information held within the envelopes nondescript exterior. He had enlisted the help of one Holmes Accord to find out some information about the man he couldn't push from his mind. He ignored the envelope as he read through the essay, his eyes sliding only occasionally away to gaze at the answers he craved yet feared. He wasn't sure why he wanted to know and he wasn't sure what he would do with the information, but he had it and it seemed to itch at him like an insect bite, stinging more as the seconds ticked by. By the time he was done proofreading Reg's essay and marking out the amendments he should make the need to see the inside of the envelope had exploded as a fire in his belly.

With slightly shaking hands he finally ripped the package open. Inside he saw a piece of parchment, he pulled it out slowly. The writing was in a copperplate hand, neat and efficient, just as he was assured the man would be.

Subject- Remus John Lupin.
The subject works in a small muggle bookshop in London 3 days a week and lives in a small flat above a launderette nearby. His membership in the Order of the Phoenix doesn't seem to take up much of his time. He has few visitors, merely a school friend named James Potter and his (by all accounts pregnant) wife Lily Potter. Lupin seems to have no immediate family and seems almost totally unremarkable.

Sirius held the envelope upside down and some photographs spilled into his lap. Small moments in Remus Lupin's life. Sirius gave a guilty glance over his shoulder before he began to look through them. This one showing Lupin selling a book to an old muggle woman, reaching high on the shelf to get it for her and handing it to her with a gentle smile, the next showing him carrying a large paper bag filled with groceries, waving to someone in the launderette before he ascended the stairs. One showed him beaming at a red-haired woman and patting her stomach with a careful excitement while the messy-haired, bespectacled James Potter looked on. Several pictures showing him living his life, each seemingly mundane, but as the pictures continued Sirius found himself putting himself in the frame, wondering what it would be like to walk beside the man, his own bag of groceries in one arm and Remus' hand in his own. It was a dangerous thought, he knew. The Dark Lord had already instructed him to forget this creature. But he couldn't. He had hoped it was a mere curiosity but it wasn't. He knew it had progressed far further than he would have liked, and these pictures, rather than sate his peculiar need to know about the werewolf merely served to make him want more, and more. He had never wanted for anything in his life and this simmering desire sat uncomfortably with him. He had no idea what to do about it. All he could do was promise that he wouldn't go near the sandy haired man.

Sirius was no stranger to deception, he had lied variously throughout his life, but this was the first time he had been caught lying to himself. He didn't even know what he was doing here, in a ruck of muggles, sitting in a café peering anxiously at a launderette down the road. He had been here every day this week and he knew, despite his own objections, that he would be here again tomorrow. He stared down at his cold tea and sighed. He swirled the dregs around the bottom of the cup before he turned it over on the saucer. He watched as the final drips fell into the dish and flipped it over, his slender fingers holding the cup gently, his eyes focused on the tea leaves. He stared, his brow furrowed as the signs seemed to make no sense. He was lost in trying to figure it out when a familiar yet foreign drawl met his ears.
"I guess everyone's seeing strange things lately. You're here marvelling at blobs of spent tea, wondering what it all means and I'm living life and minding my own business when I see a death eater casually sipping tea in my local, and not just today, but every day this week. I'm sure you're puzzled, but it's nothing compared to my confusion. So, tell me, why the devil are you here?"
Sirius didn't look up from the cup, he merely turned it on its side and, infinitely quietly, he said "I don't know."
"What do you mean, you don't know? Surely you have some motive…"
Sirius turned the cup again, his fingers gently rotating it to the right then back again. Remus looked down at him, totally lost. He didn't know if he should be amused or worried, angry, or ready for danger, but as he looked down at the man sitting before him he felt something unexpected- pity. He sighed as he turned to leave.
"Would you like a cup of tea?" Sirius asked unexpectedly.
"I'm sorry?"
"Would you like to sit down and have a cup of tea?" Sirius finally looked up from his empty teacup. In reply Remus shook his head as though he thought Sirius was mad, but he still sat. Sirius beckoned the waiter and they ordered a fresh pot of tea. When he was gone the two men just stared silently at each other. Remus patiently waiting for Sirius to answer his earlier question.
"I have no idea why I'm here. I think first, I should thank you for what you did for my brother, that was… a noble thing."
"Anyone would have done that." Remus shrugged.
"No, I don't think so."
"Perhaps,' Remus glanced at Sirius' left arm, 'you run in the wrong circles."
Sirius nodded slowly and looked away having no idea what to say next. They sat in further silence until long after the tea was delivered to their table. Sirius poured, his slender hands holding the teapot with quiet and innate nobility. He made silent enquiries about how Remus had his tea with a gesture here and a raised eyebrow there. They sat back and sipped quietly.
"I've always thought that… that I knew things, that I had all the information… that the world was cut and dried, black and white, yes and no, right and wrong… us and them… but I've had these creeping, seeping slow doubts, they eat away at me and send me mad, like some Chinese water torture… I've never told anyone that. Can't tell anyone anything, never know what they'll say to the dark lord. And I have no idea why I'm telling you."
He looked a little lost, and as Remus was about to talk to him about it he asked another question.
"Do you like working in a bookshop?"
"Yes. I do, actually. I think it's marvellous. I've always loved books… I spend a large proportion of my time injured, so it's been a great comfort to me."
"You looked happy there, selling books to little old ladies and schoolchildren."
"I am. I'm very contented."
"What's that like?"
"Selling books?"
"No, contentment."
"Surely you know."
"I used to think I did,,, But lately I've questioned everything."
"Why?"
"Because someone I had always been taught was sub-human displayed more nobility and bravery than anyone I've ever met in my life. He's done it on more than one occasion and I find myself thinking about that… about him. There's been a shift in my worldview, and I fear I will fall off the earth and go spinning in to space. I have nothing to cling to."
"Is that why you're here? To see me? To find out how I do it?"
"Yes and no. I'm not here to find out how you do it, but I'm here to see you… Well, look at you might be the more correct way of putting it."
Remus sat back and studied the man before him. The earnest features and the slightly reddened eyes made him unable to doubt the words he had said, but he didn't know what to do next. He was wary. Sirius had always been the enemy, but he was intrigued. I mean, he had eyes, so he could see that Sirius was very attractive, especially when he was so lost. He thought for a long time.
"Come with me."
Sirius rose and followed Remus to the counter where Remus paid.
"I should pay for that. I asked you, remember."
"Nonsense." Remus waved away his protests with a hand and set off down the street.
"Where are we going?"
"To the park. It's a nice day…"
Sirius hadn't noticed, he couldn't remember when he'd ever taken notice of the weather, but as his eyes raised skyward he saw that the sky was clear and the sun was shining. They walked side-by-side and when they got to the park and found a park bench they sat side-by-side.
"Tell me, what do you see?"
Sirius looked out at the families playing.
"Muggles."
"What about them?"
"What?"
"What about them? What are they doing?"
"I dunno, muggle stuff I guess."
"Wrong." Remus smiled gently and looked over to a small boy, his chubby legs held him uncertainly as he took what could have been his first steps under the watchful eye of his mother, cheered on by the squealing encouragement of his older brother.
"See? They are living. Just like us. I don't mean the day to day little differences. I don't mean they have electricity and we have magic, I mean living. See that older brother there? He's got dreams and fears and wonderful schemes. He's got years ahead of him. He'll get older at the same rate we do, he'll go through the desperate embarrassment of puberty. One day he might fall in love, maybe have his heart broken. Then he'll dust himself off and do it all over again. He'll grow and experience what we all experience then he'll help shepherd his brother through the trials and tribulations. Like you and your brother. It's merely an accident of birth that left the magic latent within him."
Sirius sat and watched the families and he knew that Remus was right, but the feelings of helplessness within him grew. He had picked the wrong side, and he had no idea what could be done. Could he turn his back on his parents? On Reg? He sighed and made to leave.
"Where are you going?"
"It's too late. I'm on the wrong side, and I know that, but that's all I've ever known. It's all I ever will know."
"It's a lie."
"And I'll keep living it. I wish… I wish I had known, I wish I'd had the chance to find out. I wish that I could sit here on this bench with you forever, because I think I love you, even if I don't know you. I wish I could hear your honey voice and your gentle wisdom for the rest of my days, but this,' he pulled his shirtsleeve up to reveal the dark mark, 'isn't something I can remove. I cannot toss it aside. No matter how much I may want to. Thank you for the tea." He spun on his heel and apparated with a crack before Remus could say anything. In the distance the boy fell, startled by the noise, and his older brother tried to dry his tears. Remus looked on, almost understanding.

Sirius returned to his ancient family home and tried to appear the dutiful son, he did everything the dark lord bade him and he had even narrowed the choice of his future wife to between two (dark haired) women. He had never forgotten about the werewolf, and he didn't think he would. If it ever came down to it in battle, he was prepared to let Remus kill him, because he wouldn't be able to live with the alternative. He thought he had succeeded in acting normally until one dark night. The dark lord summoned him.
"I have a second lesson to teach you, dear Sirius."
"I await it eagerly, sire."
"I know when one of my own is afflicted with a disease of either the mind, body or heart… and I know how to fix it." Voldemort waved a hand and Remus appeared, bound and bloodied.
"We shall find out how this animal has bewitched you, so that it may never again happen to a fine young man like yourself."
Sirius bowed his head and thanked Voldemort for his kind and wise guidance. Deep within, hidden even from the sight of Tom Riddle Sirius screamed a defiant roar, determined to rescue the man before him, and exact retribution.

Voldemort smiled a tyrants smile. Oblivious to suffering and totally self-assured. He had set up his own downfall, and wouldn't realise it until it was too late.