Miles gently pushed the door open, hoping not to wake any members of the household. Bass and Nora got so little sleep as it was he didn't want to take those few precious hours away. He should have been sleeping himself but he forgot some papers in Bass' office. It would be easy enough to slip into the study, grab his work and slip out again. No one would even know that he had been around.
Except for some strange reason, Bass was still in his office. He stood at the window, staring sightlessly out at the city. "Hello, Miles," he greeted almost tonelessly.
"Bass?" Miles frowned. "What are you still doing up?" His eyes began to sweep the dark room for signs of alcohol.
"I can't sleep," Bass shrugged. "Not since Lilly."
Miles winced in sympathy. His own nights were drenched in whatever whiskey came to hand, though he was getting slightly better at being sober. "What about Nora?"
"She doesn't sleep either. Not without heavy sedatives." Bass gave an awkward shrug. "The doctor prescribed them that first night and she's used them ever since."
"That bad?"
"She tried to go without them the night of Lilly's funeral. The nightmares…"
Miles was sure the screams could be heard throughout the house. Hell, he probably would have heard them if he hadn't been in a haze of alcohol. "I'm sure she'll get better. You two are strong."
"I wasn't though," Bass replied.
"What do you mean?"
"I wasn't strong. Not when my little girl needed me."
"Bass, what happened to Lilly is hardly your fault," Miles began. "The doctors said…"
"I don't' mean that," Bass replied, shaking his head. "I meant at the funeral." Miles stayed silent in the hopes that his friend would continue. "I needed to show everyone I was strong and I couldn't do it. Not without you and Nora and Jeremy standing there."
"That's what family does. They stand by you when you need it."
"How useless am I though? Can't even make it through my daughter's funeral without breaking down."
"That's not being useless, Bass. That's being human."
Bass finally turned to him and Miles realized he was holding Lilly's teddy bear in his hands. It was the one thing Bass and Nora couldn't replicate for their little girl. Every other toy she had asked for had been made by her parents but when Lilly asked for a teddy bear they had to find one. Bass had searched high and low for a bear fit for his Lilly of the Valley. "What's wrong with me?" he whispered.
"Nothing," Miles declared emphatically.
Bass looked down at the bear in his hands. "All I ever wanted was a family. That's it. Not to be President or General or any of this. Just a family to replace the one I lost." He looked at Miles with tears in his eyes. "Is that really so much to ask?"
"Of course not."
"Then why does my family keep getting ripped away from me? First my parents and sisters, then little Lilly…Miles, what did I do to deserve this?"
"Bass, just calm down. You and Nora are both young. You could easily have a dozen kids in the next few years."
Bass looked away. "Nora doesn't think she can have any more children."
"She doesn't know that. The medicine these days…there's no way to be sure. And she carried Lilly to term. The other one was probably just a fluke."
"Doesn't matter. As long as she thinks she can't have any children, she won't even bother trying."
Miles tried very hard not to concentrate on the thread of anger that laced Bass' voice. That undercurrent that made Miles think a small part of Bass resented Nora for taking away his shot at a family. This was just Bass being depressed over the loss of his five year old, nothing more. "I'm sure she didn't mean it the way you took it," Miles soothed.
Bass let out a painful hollow laugh. "She told me to sleep with other women."
"Because she was in pain from miscarrying. Bass, she didn't know what she was saying. She was hurting and scared and confused. Give her some time."
"She won't even let me near her."
"Oh come on, Bass. You know as well as I do that Nora grieves intensely. It's not that she doesn't' want you. She just doesn't know what to do with everything she's feeling right now. You're in the same state."
Bass tightened his grip on the bear in his hands. "You don't know what it's like, Miles. I…I want to help her and she won't let me in. She just shuts down. All the time. And I don't know how to fix it." Bass' eyes locked with Miles' once more. "How can I fix things if I don't know what's wrong?"
"She's just…Bass, this is a really intense time for everyone. Nora doesn't' know what to do with herself. Just give her time."
"Time?!" Bass demanded in a half hysterical voice. "I have given her time! I have…I have given her everything I have. And she won't even look me in the eye anymore. Tell me, Miles how am I supposed to take that?"
Miles knew full well that the only reason Nora was avoiding Bass was because she was avoiding everyone. This was nothing personal against her husband, she just couldn't' deal with a world that had continued on while she continued losing. "I think you take it as she's hurt and she's trying to cope. Everyone grieves differently."
Bass seized the glass on the table and threw it against the wall. Miles cringed at the sound. "Have I ever denied her anything?" Bass asked. "Have I ever once forced her to do a *damn* thing?"
Miles tried to stem the rising flood of anger. "No, Bass, of course not, but Nora…"
"Nora hates me! Damn it, Miles, why the hell is the world against me?! What did I do that was so horrible that I deserve this fate!" Bass clutched at the teddy bear like a scared child. "My parents and sisters were ripped from me, then my daughter is taken too soon, now my wife…" The tears that had been threatening throughout the conversation spill over. "All I wanted was a family," he whispered. Bass crumpled to his knees, holding the teddy bear to his chest and sobbing uncontrollably.
Miles reached for Bass but still felt completely useless. He was a soldier. He had no idea how to fix any of this. But deep in the pit of his stomach, Miles felt as though his world was crumbling with Bass. And it was all going to be very painful for everyone involved.