AuthorsNote:

Hello hello one and all. Yes I am updating, hurrah! Yes I lied, I am only posting one chapter but its a good un you'll see. I've been working on...three (I think) other one shots so they should possibly be up soon. I'm back at school and I really need to work hard this term so I wont be as regular as I or you would like with updating. Plus I don't want to force myself to write because I always hate when I write like that.

I re read Librarian vs Lollypop and realised that I shouldn't have forced myself to finish that so quickly, it ruined it a little and I'm sorry for that. Anyway, I hope you all like this, I've worked out most of the storyline from here on out and I shall have another 3 or something or maybe even more (depends on my laziness) of this story. Sooo, good yeah?

DISCLAIMING-- DISCLAIMING--

Reviews are nice, they make me feel all warm and fuzzy and then suddenly Roxas and Axel are kissing in the fourth chapter perhaps?? Or maybe not :)

I woke up the next morning and the rain had stopped. Axel was gone. His boxers were also gone but mine were still there and still slightly damp.

I shrugged into them and winced at the coolness before I walked out into the sun. Axel was eating something, an apple I think and his hand dropped away from his mouth when he saw I was awake.

"Uh morning." He took another bite of his apple.

I noticed he was wearing his clothes and I went back to get mine. The rip in the knee was still there and the pants were slightly damp but thankfully the shirt wasn't.

Walking back to Axel, who had pulled out my shoes from a place under a rock, I took some steadying breaths.

"What were they doing there?"

"I grabbed them quickly on the way past you yesterday when you were undressing." He took another bite like it didn't make any difference. But it did really because why would someone, who professed to hate me, do something so considerate.

Can't let him see this affected you. Act cool.

"Thanks." So now fully clothed and feeling much, much, much better I grabbed an apple too.

"I walked some way in both directions up the side of the lake while you were asleep. I walked far enough in the second direction down hill that I saw the smoke coming from a cabin. We'll be home by tonight at the latest."

"Oh."

I should be excited and all I can say is Oh?

What the hell is wrong with me? Sure it's been slightly fun out here but I have craved a proper bed and shower for nights on end.

But you won't be able to sleep next to Axel.

So what should I care? Why should I even consider that as a problem?

But you do.

With a groan I began taking down our-the tent. Sure enough we were both up and walking within ten minutes at the least. I followed Axel's lead and accompanied by the sound of trickling water and nothing else we began to walk down hill. By lunch time I saw the smoke over head and stopped. Axel didn't seem to notice and kept walking.

I don't really want to go back so soon.

In answer to the question Axel asked when we first started, no I don't want to go back, at least not now.

I bit the inside of my lip in fast little intervals and looked over the tall red head in front of me. His hair sagged at places but in general the red spikes shot up every which way. The red shirt that was clean at the beginning of the journey was now, not so much intact. A corner was tucked into his waistband and I spent some time running my eyes along the denim there. Why was it so fascinating the way the jeans sat on his hips? Why couldn't I just go back to hating him? This new turn of events had me confused in more ways than one.

Sure I hated him in the beginning. But now, now I just feel plain, bland. There's something missing when we're just together like this. It's as if there's no willingness from either of us to be together and no trust that the other person won't ignore what we say. I don't want to offer a statement to begin a conversation; the anxiety in my chest seems to make me curl up inside myself.

He stepped into the light.

Auburn, copper, reds of all colours mixed through his hair and I hadn't noticed before. Then they were hidden away again and it made me almost want to retrace those last few minutes. But maybe that's what Axel was really like.

On the outside his hair was just that, red and spikey nothing too exciting. But in the light his hair shone like different parts of a personality. When I look at him with a quick glance he's just a presence, but when I take some time and really acknowledge him he's more than that. He's hard to describe or even understand he's just a person but yet more. He's Axel.

Beauty or something like it really is in the eyes of the beholder.

We would return to the centre and to our old selves and nothing would have been gained. But I know what I will lose and I really hate to lose anything.

I didn't want to return at least, not now.

So then I dropped my pack and did the only thing I could think of. Letting out a loud groan I flopped to the floor.

I heard him stop and turn around then run back to me.

"Roxas are you okay?" I opened my eyes and weakly smiled.

"Huh…" I took in a slow deep breath and gave a grim smile. Boy was I good at acting. "Anyone would think that you would have missed me." Axel closed his eyes and hung his head.

"What happened?"

"I… I uh…" Axel watched me waiting for an answer. "I just felt faint... I g-guess I got a chill or something from last night."

"I would carry you back but I can't take the packs too. It's too risky just in case something unexpected happens, like you fall in the river and drown or something."

"I wouldn't, you might!" Axel shook his head and smirked only for a moment.

"Let's have lunch here hm? Then we can walk some more after we've eaten."

Axel helped me sit up and I swayed almost a little too dramatically before he steadied me and slowly withdrew to get his pack. I watched him make a sandwich with peanut butter and then followed his hands as he held it out to me.

"Thanks" I took it and put it to my lips, well aware that Axel didn't watch me or didn't even care.

Not that I wanted him too or anything.

Eventually I let us leave and walk down the hill. It flattened out and then finally we caught site of the camp.

Strangely enough neither of us broke into a run. We just trudged along at our usual pace, Axel in front and me bringing up the rear. Tifa wasn't there when we arrived and the gate was locked. So in an effort to be clever we scaled it.

Okay Axel scaled it; I couldn't get up properly and ended up on my butt where we started.

"What's-a matter?" Axel leant against the fence. His Cheshire smile, cut in half by various zig-zagging lines but damn it was still very effective at being annoying.

So I growled and dug my shoes into the gaps, but the rubber around the toes was not giving an inch and I slipped.

"Garh!" I definitely broke something that time. "Ow."

"Come on hurry up!"

"Give me a break alright." I whined rubbing my back.

"Is the fence too big for lil' shorty?" He sniggered and I felt my eye twitch.

Oh I wasn't that short but I still wasn't as tall as most boys my age. You would have thought that growing up always being shorter would have made me less sensitive and more accepting. Hell no, I just got more aggressive. Every time I was called short a tall boy walked away with a black eye. Well he walked away with the threat of a black eye.

They say fear the quiet ones; I have never loved that saying more.

Axel dropped the pack off his back and shook the fence. "Roxas….Roxas…..climb the fence Roxas." He cooed at me.

That bastard.

And to think, I was actually starting to like him.

"Piss off."

"What?" Axel's smile dropped away.

"You heard me. Piss. Off!" He frowned at me and I tried to climb the fence again.

I made it halfway up and the sun seemed to shine brighter at this height. Then the metal shook and I had a moment of air before a whole body of hurt.

"What the fuck was that for?" I looked up at him from my place on the ground.

He shrugged, "Dunno, just felt like it I guess."

I sprung to my feet and slammed into the fence. "Oh yeah? You're just damn well lucky you're on that side-"Axel walked forward.

"Or what?" I spared a moment to glare at him before growling and pushing the fence away.

"Or what Roxas? Givin' up trying are we?" I heard him spit the words behind my back. Spinning on my heel I yelled at him.

"You don't have to be such an asshole about it!"

"I'm glad to see you boys are getting along so well." Both of us jerked towards the voice.

Tifa stood there with her arms crossed under her chest, obviously not very pleased. She walked towards Axel and shot him a glare before turning towards me. Tifa let out a long sigh and then flipped a switch in the metal pole closest to us and the gate swung open.

"Next time boys, look for the spare key." She shook her head and motioned for us to follow.

I walked in huffing and glaring at Axel who just blinked and looked away. Two could play at that game. Fine, he wants to ignore me then he can, but I'm going to ignore him ignoring me.

We'll just be one big happy ignorant bunch.

Rufus walked past Axel and took the bag from him. I turned towards the direction I walked back earlier this week before all this madness happened but Tifa stopped me.

"Oh no we've got a session."

"I thought this whole week was a session." I groaned.

"Nope. So that means you've missed out on seven one hour sessions. Hope you boys are well rested." She smiled like she knew she wasn't going to enjoy the next couple of hours as much as us.

Not that I would know how Axel thinks anyway.

He and I walked side by side behind Tifa all the way to her office. With my hands tucked in my pockets I clenched the material each time our feet fell into step. For some reason it made me annoyed again.

Control the anger.

I bit my bottom lip and gave a grim smile to the hallway as my subconscious chimed in. Yeah sure, he's not doing it on purpose. Well he could be, but that's not enough of a reason to yell at him.

Ignoring you when you have done nothing wrong yes that does deserve yelling. But the psychologist's here and it wouldn't be too good for her to observe that now would it?

So we sat on the red chair again as far apart as possible. I leant on my hand against the arm rest and tried to relax against the chair. My eyes noticed a small brown stain near the stitching in between the seam and the padding.

Could that be….dried blood?

What the fuck has been happening on this couch?

Tifa wasn't paying attention to either of us, which was good. I only just realised now that my face was stretched into such an extravagant expression of horror and disgust. Thank god both my shrink and the guy hating me was ignoring me at this point in time, I didn't want to be asked or receive answers that could only lead to into dangerous territories.

It's quite ironic that my shrink of all people didn't look like the type who wanted to deal with pubescent testosterone poisoned boys and or girls (without the testosterone poising of course). Yes it is ironic but not exactly confidence inspiring. Her methods of dealing with things, so far, haven't followed the traditional route of, 'How are you feeling?', 'Why?' and 'How does that make you feel?'. The touchy feely crap that grated on any sane person's and even more so when surrounded with your arch nemesis. To say I was slightly happy about the absence of said 'touchy feely crap' wasn't an exaggeration.

"So how was the week in the wilderness?"

Neither of us made a move to speak, I looked at Axel who sighed and turned further away. That damn bastard. I crossed my arms over my chest and Tifa didn't look at all impressed. With a clutter of pens she selected a red one and started writing something down.

"Okay boys, here's the deal. Ten pros and cons of this week and then you both can leave. Shouldn't be too hard and that's ten things each. Ready?" She held up the piece of paper that had cons and pros written in big red capitals across the page.

I wasn't going to speak first; I wouldn't let Axel win this time. For once I deserved to stand on the winner's podium and I wouldn't let him weasel his way out of this.

"Roxas you first." Tifa shot me a stern look which I clenched my teeth and ignored.

Why the hell do I always have to go first in times like this? It's always me making the effort, me making the moves. Now it is Axel's turn. There is only so much repairing that can be done by one person. As far as I'm concerned I'm the one who's at risk of being damaged further.

"Roxas?" Tifa stood and walked around to the front of her desk, her but leant against the timber.

I wouldn't back down and my stare told her so.

"Axel?" He didn't even bother to look at her when she spoke. With a low growl she marched back around to her seat.

"Fine you boys want to play it like that." She made a show of clicking her pen and began to write.

"Roxas's pro, I learnt that Axel was a really caring and lovely individual." That had my attention, Axel's too it seemed.

"You can't write that!" Tifa smiled sweetly at me and kept talking.

"Axel's pro, I've gotten a deeper understanding of Roxas and believe that I can share my feelings with him."

"What?" Axel yelled suddenly and made a mad dash for the paper. Tifa snatched it up as he slammed into her desk and they glared at each other.

A whole different conversation about something I was not allowed to know was going on right in front of my eyes. His reaction wasn't understandable or maybe he really does just hate me that much after what I did to him. Tifa knew something that I didn't about Axel and it was natural, she was the shrink but…To have a conversation about something like this in front of me is just wrong.

Perhaps it's not about you.

I never thought it was! I didn't assume this whole time that Axel has been having sessions with Tifa that he's spoken as much about me that I have about him.

Yeah but you'd hoped.

So? Is that such a crime?

Your world centers on what others think.

We'd already established that thanks subconscious. I've heard it before, from Tifa, from others but never from my subconscious. This can't be a good thing. Perhaps it's the sound of falling down.

Axel's already there at the bottom and he hates me.

When I saw him smile back in the forest, could it have been a lie? Everything he did, was it just a farce so that we could make it through the week? Is that how it's going to be for the rest of the time we spend here?

"Roxas's con…Axel is a liar." Both Tifa and Axel turned to me then and she measured me with a cool gaze. "Con, he was never open. Con, he wanted to leave me to die and I had to beg for him to at least show some compassion. Con, he tried to drown me."

"Roxas, how bout some pros?" There were none as far as I was concerned. I was on a roll and I could see all that I wanted to see. Everything he's said or done and that's all that mattered.

"Con, more than once he isolated me. Con, he's annoying and self centered. Con, the time that we spent together drove me insane. Con, I know he hates me but he won't say anything and it's driving me nuts! Con, this whole situation is affecting me more than it is him! Con! I'm sick and tired of trying to fix things by myself. Why should I be punished eternally when all I want to do is make things better?" My breathing was ragged and it came out in panicked pants. I could feel my head heat and my lips begin to tremble.

Spinning on my heel I ran out of the room with a slam and shuddering of glass. My shoes pounded against the wooden floor. I couldn't allow myself to blink until I was back at the room, I wouldn't allow those tears of anguish and hurt to fall. I wouldn't let them see me cry because I was confused, of all things, over Axel.

My door didn't have a lock, but at that time it didn't need one. The heavy thud of my body slamming against it would suffice. On my way to the floor they came in heavy warm trails down my skin. My chest heaved with the effort of trying to keep quiet and I bit my lip as a sob escaped.

Roxas, you stupid foolish boy, why are you crying? Has Axel won? Did he succeed in breaking you just like you always feared someone would? You're hurt because he didn't immediately bow down when you put yourself up to the plate.

When you fall, you should get right up again and try.

But trying never seemed to take so much effort before. Couldn't I just leave it all alone and let him hate me? I would be happier; I could go back to ignoring him and be with my friends. But if this damned camp has done anything, it's made me unable to just ignore him. Sure I can try and pretend but I can no longer get through a day without looking for him or sparing him a thought.

"Fuck." My voice was a harsh whisper in my shadowed corner of the room. Sun filtered through and illuminated every wall, although it seemed to stop at my feet.

The tears flowed on and I cursed this place more and more. No, I wouldn't ignore Axel and I couldn't forget him as much as I tried.

And I know I'll try to get him to forgive me again. Even if I come back to my room at night fed up, pissed, angry and hurt. I know I'll get up and try again and again until I make a small little crack. I won't care how long it takes and it won't matter that it's only a small little crack. It's there and as long as I'm around to see it, I'll keep trying.

If anything my perseverance will only get worse.

So for now, I let myself cry huddled in the corner against my door and it was okay because no one could see me.

Girls cried in front of people all the time and no one seemed to think twice. But I couldn't do that, just let myself do such an unabashed thing in front of someone. It seemed too personal, too intimate, something that I was not ready for.

So I'll cry to myself, let out my frustrations and then lock them back away. Now that I acknowledge them they'll stay quiet for some time.

I took a deep breath and slowed my breathing. My eyes stung and I rubbed at them, of course it only made things worse. Heaving myself up off the floor had never been harder but I did it, and I winced when the sunlight's rays hit my stinging eyes. I flopped onto my bed and it groaned with the effort of holding me up.

I tried to not think about Axel or Tifa or anything for some time and for once my brain let me. The clock on the wall ticked and tocked, my eyes following each rhythmic pattern.

By its seventh-hundred rotation I began to get bored and the clock could no longer hold my interest. I turned my head and stared out the window for some time, but quickly that lost my interest again. The only thing I seemed to be interested in thinking about was Axel.

Ha, I'm interested in Axel. Jerking upright my mouth began to gape like a fish's out of water.

"I'm interested in Axel?" I felt light headed, probably because I'd sat up too quickly and then there was a sudden knock. My heart stuttered and I choked forgetting to breathe, with a quick succession of coughs I fumbled to the door.

Tifa pushed her way through.

"Roxas, Roxas." She 'tsked' at me. "Care to explain what happened back there?"

"Uh, not really."

"I thought not." I watched her roll her eyes and let out a long even breath. "He's not coping better than you, ya know. This is hard for him. I think you…ugh." She pressed her lips together at something she saw on my face. "Roxas, have you been crying?"

"No." Why is it whenever someone brings up past crying situations you feel your face heat and then want to cry again? Stupid damn human reaction.

"You didn't finish your list. So here." She held out a white piece of paper and a pen. I walked forward once I had calmed myself past blubbering like a little twit and took them from her.

"Axel's doing a list too and I have no idea what he's going to write after that little outburst. You teenage boys are all so angsty nowadays." She sighed. "You know, the whole purpose of the trip was to make it easier for you two to talk about things in the open and trust each other a little bit. If only that was at all possible to begin with…" She shook her head. "I want you to finish your list, don't worry you don't have to show me or him unless you want to. Or until I change my mind and decide I want to see." She winked at me. "So really take some time to think about it and then write it down. There's no time limit so you shouldn't feel pressured. I'll see you at dinner."

Turning I looked out the window to actually see that the sun had begun to set. When I looked back she was gone.

"The pros of being stuck alone with Axel for a week…" I licked my lips and threw the piece of paper. "What pros?"

Even as I said it, I was walking forwards to pick up the pen and dragging the paper towards me.

"The pros of being stuck, alone with Axel." I tapped my pen against the paper and sat down on my bed. "The pros of being stuck with Axel." I sighed and closed my eyes.

"The pros of being with Axel." The room didn't answer nor did I expect it to. But suddenly I had my starting point.

"He's proud." I sniggered to myself as I remembered the huddled figure of Axel gazing longingly at my food.

"He's Adventurous, dangerously so, that he made me worry." I sighed remembering him climbing to the top of the cliff.

"He's a show off at times, but he makes me laugh, intentionally or not." I dotted the paper and spun the pen in my hand.

I took a breath and muttered to myself, "He's thoughtful and considerate of me and although he threatened to leave, he always came back." I had the images of him pulling my shoes the morning after the storm. He didn't need to keep them from getting wet, but he did. When I fell down, purposely, he came back. Even in the beginning he didn't leave me stranded and let me share a tent with him.

"He's warm…" for some reason I felt like it needed to be whispered. So with a summoning of nerves of steel I wrote it all down.

I laughed as my pen etched out the next sentence. 'He has really cool hair.'

"He's sensitive about things that I can't even begin to understand but he's always tough. He has random moments of kindness that keep me looking and waiting for the next one." My pen scratched away and I could already see the last one formed in my mind.

I wrote it down and left for dinner. I'm glad that no one has to read what I wrote, thinking back on it now a lot of it is really mushy and girly, especially the last one. But we are meant to be honest and that's what I did. Wow me going along with a shrinks pointless games, the world must be ending.

Axel sat at our table but didn't even notice when I sat down. So we ate in silence, two hours has never seemed so long. When I got back I decided it would be for the best to hide my 'pros' list just incase. But to my absolute and dismal horror it was missing.

"Where is it! Where the fuck is it!" I threw my pillows off the bed and nearly stripped my room trying to find it.

"It's gone. Oh fuck."

Across the hall from me and in a separated identical room, Axel lay on his bed. I had no idea what Axel was going through most of the time.

Tifa stood in my door way with a cunning smirk on her face. "What's wrong?"

"I've lost it. The paper with all of the pros on it." I dug my hands in my hair and pulled.

"Don't worry; I'm sure it'll turn up somewhere." I froze, her tone made me think it was more of a premonition than condolences.

"Where did you put it?" She smiled at me and stepped out of my room beckoning for me to follow. I jogged after her and she stopped and pointed. Following her line of sight my stomach grew tight with knots. She was pointing,

"Oh no…"

To Axel's room.