CHAPTER TWO
THE FIGHT EPOV
5 MONTHS LATER
It's over. My life is gone. There is no point in living anymore. No one would miss me. Except Emmett-my business partner-but he has his wife Rosalie.
I'm sure most of you think I'm being a melodramatic whiner, but you didn't have to go through what I just did. I bought my son's book… It's Been Awhile by Anthony Cullen.
Reading the book was absolute torture. It took me 5 months to read the short 182 pager that would normally take me one day. At most parts I felt like throwing myself out of the window.
I fought for my country... I fought for my dignity… I fought for my business… I fought for my beliefs… I fought to survive… But I never fought for my family… I never fought for the love of my life… I never fought for my Anthony, Marie, Andrea or Daniel… I never fought for my Bella.
The book depressed me but I never felt like causing myself to die a painful and agonizingly slow death until the Epilogue.
Some of you may be wondering what happened after the divorce. After the night I found my mother sobbing as she packed our bags so we could leave the last reminder that we even had a father.
We moved to the other side of Seattle and tried our best to move on. It was difficult for my mother, my savior. Not only did she have to forget the man who she dedicated her life to-the man who she gave up her dream for-she had to live with the constant reminders. She had to live with us.
Sometimes, she'd mess up my crazy bronze hair and I'd see the sad faraway look on her face. In my senior year of high school I shaved my hair off, hoping it would help ease the pain. She cried. She didn't want us to know how much she was suffering… And at the same time she didn't want us to hate our father.
What she didn't realize is that no matter how many stories she tells us about the amazing man our father was; no matter how many memories we may have, the fact remains: he wasn't there.
He wasn't at my first soccer match, he wasn't at Daniel's first debate, he wasn't at Marie's first concert and he didn't share our joy-or sadness-when Andrea got accepted to Cambridge and moved across the Atlantic Ocean.
Every time there was a big milestone, rite of passage, Dad & Daughter event or a simple walk in the park we were reminded that we didn't have a dad, just a sperm donor.
I won't say that I hate him-you can't hate a man you never knew-but I will say that I will never forgive him for what he did to my mother.
I will forgive him for leaving me. I will forgive him for making my siblings cry. I will forgive him for giving me the title of 'man of the house'. I will forgive him for not fighting for us. I will forgive him for choosing the army over us. But I won't forgive him for the pain he caused my mother; for making me feel helpless every time I passed her locked room door and heard sobs; for breaking her.
Many people ask me what I would say to him if I was ever to meet him in the future. My answer seems to shock them every time. I would thank him. Forget everything that was said in this book because there was one thing that he did right.
He loved my mother and gave her some of the best days of her life. Before the days of the army she was blissfully happy… She was a different person. When they dated in high school she felt like the only thing that mattered to him.
I aspire to be like him in that. If I am to ever fall in love; I am going to treat my love-my life-the way he treated my mother in high school. And I could only hope that she would feel the same amount of love, dedication, forgiveness and compassion that my mother felt towards The Man Who Was Never There.
I started crying again. I'm going to fight for my family. I'm going to fight for my Bella. I am going to show them that I can be there for them. I'm going to fight harder than I have in any war. And it's going to be a lot more difficult than what I'm used to. This time my military intelligence won't help me.
And I'm afraid that I might lose…again.
I need to call Marie.