Chapter Three: Escape
Edward
"You weak fool!" I roared across the room at him, my anger causing me to lash out at my guardian and friend. Carlisle shook his head, looking down at the floor, guiding his thoughts towards one of the patients he had seen, deliberately shutting me out.
"Edward, there is no need to take a hu-" I cut him off by throwing an antique painting at his head.
Naturally, Carlisle was two steps to the left before it had sailed halfway across the room. It hit the wall and shattered, forming a mass of broken glass and wood on the floor.
"Edward." For once, his voice was sharp and hard. "If you wish to live with me, that is fine but I will not accept the fact that you will be killing the ones I work so hard to heal."
"The humans?!" I spat, my voice seeming to ooze contempt. "Have you ever once stopped to think about me? About how the thirst is always there. Never fully satisfied. It will always have control over me." I stopped there, too upset to continue.
"And you're merely giving into it." He said softly, his eyes a million miles away. I surged across the room towards him, my fist raised.
I stopped in front of him, my nostrils flaring and my mind racing. My hand was raised to strike but he didn't make a move to stop me. Didn't flinch, didn't raise his arm to protect himself.
"Pathetic." I muttered, dropping my hand. I sprinted from the room without a backward glance. From the house. From the very sight of Carlisle in my mind, pain etched into his usually calm face. From hearing his agonized thoughts. I had to escape.
Shards of disjointed thoughts still attacked my mind, each causing me to stumble slightly as I flew down the stairs and out the front door.
Protect him-teach-redeem-red eyes. This jumbled mess of incoherent words came to me, his voice saying each in turn, the calm tone he so regularly used tossed aside. I ached to turn around, to go to him. I kept sprinting as a thick forest came to greet me, the sprawling city far behind me.
I could never be good enough for him. I knew that much was certain. Each time a human passed me, its pulse would quicken, making it only harder for me to ignore the ache that arose. The need for human blood. The drink our kind was meant to survive off of. Guilt rose up inside of me which only made me run harder.
He never thought of me. If he really did, he would allow me to stop the horrible pain that his lifestyle caused. So what if a few human lives were lost? I was the one he cared about.
I cringed slightly, realizing suddenly how vain and self-absorbed I truly was. No, I was right. Carlisle deserved better then the likes of me.
I ran still harder, my feet barely touching the ground. Maybe reading the thoughts of others was the real problem. Maybe that gift allowed me to hide the real monster I was from myself. To allow myself to be swaddled by Carlisle's talk of redemption and of God. To kid myself into thinking I really had a soul.
I allowed myself to rest only after I had found a secluded place in the trees. I had no idea where I was, the town, the state, or maybe even the country. I had ran for so long.
My demons still followed me, shadows in my ever moving thoughts.
Soft snow started to fall around me but I didn't mind. The snow was not cold, not wet, not comforting as it was to the humans I so longed to be.
I sat like that for a long time, immobile. Elbows rested on the sharp angle of my knees, the heels of my palms pressed firmly against my eyes, which were squeezed shut. A vain attempt in shutting out thought. But there was little else I could do in the silence, nothing to distract me. Animals steered clear of the clearing, their faint thoughts barely registering on my radar.
My throat ached each time I heard the pulse of blood and I fought to remain frozen. Now was not the time for hunting. It would only deepen the resentment I felt for myself at the moment. Later, when at last I could not fight the burning any longer, I would head into town. I shuddered slightly but my stubbornness overshadowed the self-disgust.
I rose to my feet, shaking a few loose snowflakes that had lodged into my hair. I began pacing, one foot in front of the other, in the small space from trunk to trunk. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. My foot hit the white bark with a firm clunk. I turned around and headed the other way, staring down at my tattered shoes, counting each foot fall in the snow.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Turn around. Repeat.
A wolf bayed at the moon in the far distance, snow still fell from the white sky. This place felt like a tomb, a white marble mausoleum. I chuckled without humor at the metaphor I had used. Ironic but horribly appropriate.
Night fell around me and the need fought still harder, an animal inside my chest fighting to get out. I viciously attacked one of the large oak trees in the clearing, tearing it easily from the ground and tossing it aside. Small birds shot out of the fallen tree, crying loudly as they sped off into the otherwise quiet night.
I could not return to Carlisle, could not allow myself to even think of the man. Visions of him still swam before my eyes, his golden irises warm and calm. Images of other things entered my mind too. To call them nightmares would seem right but I was not asleep. Myself with red eyes was often there, thrown strongly into contrast against Carlisle's honey eyes. I had hoped to one day be like him, his equal but I would always be a immature newborn, never able to completely ignore the need.
It was like being addicted to some forbidden drug. Wanting to be strong enough without it but feeling empty if I was completely clean.