"Charlie," I tried to tell them: "Call Charlie."
I wanted to get my coin but I was too weak to reach it, at the same time my speech was too incoherent to ask them to do it for me. All I managed to say was his name.
Charlie.
"Take it easy Mrs. Scully," the nurse told me: "We found your daughter. She's on the way."
I gave up and closed my eyes. If Dana is coming it means it's too late. I will never get a chance to call him, never get a chance to say goodbye.
Charlie.
It was so long ago, but I remember every detail as if it was yesterday. The way he smelled, the forbidden scent of cigarette smoke mixed with his manly essence. His fingers brushing my hair, lightly as a butterfly touch. His piercing gaze that penetrates right through the soul, a lonely soul of a navy wife.
Oh Charlie.
"He found out," I whispered, pleading to be forgiven: "He knows."
"Come with me, Margaret," he said, unfazed. He never feared a soul and my husband's wrath didn't concern him: "Leave him."
"I can't. Charlie, you know I can't," I pleaded again: "My children..." And I couldn't speak any more, my voice broke, my heart sunk at the thought of leaving my precious babies.
He leaned forward and kissed me, claiming my mouth with his tongue. I didn't object, not that I could even if I wanted to, since this man possessed me completely, body and soul. My hands wrapped themselves around his neck by their own account, not bothering to consult with the brain first. He was my master, my salvation, my sin.
Oh William, how I wish it was you, how I wish your hands could shake my world like this, how I wish my body would explode at your touch instead of his. My dear husband, you are my candle in the dark, but he is a falling star, a wish come true, but wish that was never allowed to be formulated, never allowed to exist and yet it did, stubbornly and uncontrollably, eating me from the inside as well as from outside.
Oh William, I never stood a chance! Your simple, loyal, loving wife never knew what hit her, as no one ever warned her how deep and dangerous the lake of lust can be, her who never learned how to swim. You were my first and you will be my last, as we vowed to each other in the house of God. Forgive me for this weakness in between, if you can. Strange is God's path, but Devil's one is even stranger.
"What about my child?" Charlie asked, possessively circling his hand around my swollen belly.
"Will will raise it as his own," I assured him. He smiled sarcastically and lighted another cigarette. I coughed as he blew the smoke in my face which made him laugh.
"I could get him off your back easily," he said calmly: "I watched presidents die."
His words gave me goose bumps and filled me with fear that was still, even through his indirect treats to my children's father, mixed with pleasure.
"Please don't hurt him," I begged and he covered my mouth with his once again, blowing the smoke directly to my throat this time. It gave me tears but I managed to suppress the cough this time.
"I thought you would make a difference," he whispered: "I thought I could turn my life around with you by my side. Sometimes... Sometimes I doubt if I'm doing the right thing. But in the end it's all I have left. In the end my path is meant to be walked alone."
"I'm sorry," I said, gently stroking his cheek.
"Please don't hurt him," I repeated as tears started to roll down my face. I wanted to love him, I wanted to be his salvation and if not for the kids I would leave everything behind, I would break the sacred vows of marriage and cement my path to hell for all eternity. That was his power.
"As long as he takes a good care of my son, he's safe," Charlie promised me, giving me another smile, a smile that successfully hid all the disappointment and abandonment I saw in his eyes just a second ago. He wouldn't give me the satisfaction of witnessing his defeat. Failure and defeat were the words he refused to recognize.
"How do you know it's a boy?" I asked.
"It's always a boy," he smiled sarcastically, as if he wanted to show me that I don't matter, that I'm just another woman he's leaving behind, our baby being just one of the many as well.
It didn't foul me.
"Maybe we'll meet again," I said wishfully, as if circumstances like that could just present themselves, as if we could just start all over but as friends the next time.
"Maybe," he nodded: "But you better wish that we don't!"
That's when he gave me the coin.
"To call me," he said: "In case you change your mind. Any time, day or night."
I never did. I always wanted to. I kept the coin as a souvenir of a love that was never meant to be, but never faded, not from my side at least.
If only I could reach it now, if only I could hold it in my hand for the last time. If only I could make that call that I swore never to...
Before Dana comes...
She will never know. I'm taking my passion to my grave. My secret is safe and that's my only comfort in a death that's approaching at a growing speed.
I know William will not wait for me at the other end. I will wait there for Charlie instead.
My son is named Charlie, too.
My son is named William, too.