Miranda reactivates her account and spends the night reading more of Arianna Huffington's idiotic blog, making snide remarks about all the articles in the comment sections. Thank God for user-names that don't have to make any sense because there are more than enough useless things in here to keep her occupied. And Caroline is here too, taking up more than half the bed due to a nightmare about who knows what. Miranda cannot remember; so many other things have a tight grip on her mind.
She isn't sure how in the hell she's supposed to go to work tomorrow, knowing what their plans are. Andrea is coming over. Without food. And Miranda won't be suffering from the measles. She won't be suffering from anything but an aching desire to touch the person she will not be able to touch all day long. There's no telling what exactly they will do when Andrea arrives. No specific plans were made but whatever happens, it will happen slowly and Miranda won't be surprised at all if Andrea ends up dictating the order of events for the entire night.
Andrea sounded so serious on the phone. She already knows what she wants and who. Sadly, this is hard for Miranda to believe. When has Miranda ever been enough for someone? How is she supposed to believe Andrea? The answer still eludes Miranda as she sits here in the dark with her laptop and her daughter who has just figured out a way to kick her clear across this king size bed that is growing smaller by the second. She will probably end up on the floor before the night is over. It wouldn't be the first time this has happened. Depending on what book they've read or movie they've watched, Miranda is kicked out of her bed on a regular basis by her children. For a split second she wonders if Andrea would mind experiencing that, then immediately goes back to wondering how she could ever be enough.
How is Miranda enough? Really, it makes no sense and she even told Andrea that. Which was probably a bad idea, but she couldn't help it. Instead of being offended though, Andrea simply repeated herself and sounded as if she had expected Miranda to be disbelieving. She had expected Miranda to have a low opinion of her own value to someone else personally. The truth of it almost hurts, that Andrea knows her so well. Somehow she has figured Miranda out, or for the most part. There are naturally always going to be things to learn about someone as time goes by, but Andrea has outdone herself. She's solved quite a few puzzles without Miranda even knowing she'd presented them to Andrea in the first place.
Realizing this scares Miranda half to death because to believe that she is in fact enough—means she will have to trust Andrea. And trusting Andrea means there won't be any room for lies. Miranda won't be able to skirt around issues, make excuses, and use the cover of being a royal bitch to hide the fact that she is sometimes hurt or angry about things that have absolutely nothing to do with work. Things that she normally would never bring up out of fear and embarrassment. Trusting Andrea means that Miranda will have to be open and that is something Miranda has never tried before.
Before she can look for posts on how to trust someone on Arianna's idiotic blog, Caroline rolls over once, twice and is then plastered to Miranda's side. She takes this as her cue and carefully leans over, laying the laptop on the floor, and this time—Miranda remembers to take off her glasses.
Caroline scoots around until she is comfortable, giving no thought at all to the fact that the blood flow to Miranda's left arm will probably never be the same after this. Miranda simply gives into it, knowing that if she moves, Caroline will just follow her.
Sleep almost claims Miranda. Thinking of putting her arms around Andrea at the end of tomorrow eases some of her panic and makes it possible. But, of course, her child pulls her from the possibility of sleep seconds later.
"Mom?"
Miranda can instantly tell that Caroline is miles away and probably has no idea what she is saying. "Yes, Caroline?" She answers her daughter in a tired way, hoping she'll fall back to sleep soon.
"Happy Valentine's Day." Caroline says. Her words are barely audible.
Sighing, Miranda pushes away the fact that her children are thieves and trouble makers. She never did confront them about the money or the note when she came home. And they didn't ask her a single time if she actually gave the candy to Andrea. How smart of them.
"Happy Valentine's Day, darling."
"Love you."
"I love you too, Caroline."
"You gave the candy to her, right?" Caroline asks, suddenly sounding very, very awake.
Sighing again, Miranda says, "Yes. Yes, I did."
"She liked it?"
"She did and said to tell you thank you."
"Cool. Are you feeling sick? You feel warm."
Instead of sighing Miranda starts laughing because, no, she isn't warm. She's actually freezing because she forgot to turn the heater up before getting into bed. This, coming from her daughter, is just too much. And it is certainly too much to run from at two o'clock in the morning. "I feel fine, Caroline. No measles here."
"Huh?" Caroline starts to sit up but Miranda keeps her in place with her half-dead left arm.
"Nothing…nothing. It was a joke. But if it makes you feel any better, Andrea is coming over tomorrow after work." Caroline freezes, no doubt afraid of having to live with Nigel because she's a thief. "Yes, I found out about the note. And the money. But you and your sister are not in trouble."
Caroline lets out the biggest sigh Miranda has ever heard. "Oh, good."
"Yes, I thought you might say that."
Minutes pass and Miranda begins to think Caroline might be drifting off again but she can tell by the girls breathing that she's still wide awake. Since they've come this far, she decides to ask a question that truly does need to be answered at some point. There's no time like the present.
"Caroline?"
"Hm?"
"Why?" Miranda asks no more than that because Caroline has more than proved she is anything but stupid.
Since Caroline is not stupid, Miranda receives an answer that will render good ol' HuffPost completely useless when it comes to looking for some numbered list on what exactly Miranda should be doing with her life or some other nonsense.
"Because, Mom." Caroline whispers in Miranda's ear. "You asked Andy to stay. You didn't ask Daddy to stay. You didn't ask Stephen to stay. But you asked Andy to stay. And she stayed. So we just figured… You know?"
Stay. Her daughters see more in one word than Miranda could have ever imagined and they are, without a doubt, correct in their assumption. Everything is connected to one word. Stay. That night, when Miranda came into her house to see Andrea sitting there, that one word was all she could think of. It was the only thing her mouth would allow her to say. The one thing she'd never asked of anyone before.
Logically speaking, if Miranda can do that, then she can trust. She can learn. But what if she fails? What then? Her daughters will just lose another person in their lives; Miranda will have failed them yet again.
Without thinking first, Miranda says, "But what if I can't do this?"
Caroline apparently has already dozed off again but wakes up just enough to answer her mother. Her answer is to fling her arm upward and what is supposed to be a pat on the head, ends up being more like a slap in the eye. Luckily, Miranda has plenty experience at being beaten up by her children in the middle of the night and just brushes Caroline's hand away without a word.
Not to be held back, Caroline finds the top of Miranda's head eventually and manages, thankfully, to pat it gently. "You can. You're the best, Mom. Besides, you like her lots. It'll be okay. Can I go back to sleep now? I have a party later…"
Miranda wants to laugh again but a sense of renewal that is stronger than anything she has ever felt before pushes through her and keeps her still. All Miranda can manage is to kiss Caroline on the head and allow her daughter—who is a genius—to go back to sleep.
The next morning, Miranda hears not another word about Andrea from Caroline; she is too invested in packing up all her Valentine's Day gifts for her classmates. That's definitely Caroline's specialty: gift giving. She'll probably grow up to be a professional shopper for millionaires all over New York City one day. Her ideas are almost always perfect…and expensive. Either that or she'll end up as one of those girls on QVC who do nothing all day but talk about perfect and expensive things that no one should be without.
Cassidy on the other hand does have time to say something, but not to Miranda's face. Even though she's just twelve, Cassidy's preferred method of communication is through emails, especially when it comes to stating her opinion about something. They are, at times, quite lengthy and a little repetitive, but Miranda reads each one and replies immediately. And to be honest, the letters are more like little public relations campaigns than anything else. She'll either grow up to take Leslie's job or worse, become a campaign manager for some poor fool that wants to run for President. None of these career paths are what Miranda ever wished for her daughters, but it is what it is. So long as they are happy and don't become lawyers, who is she to argue?
On the way to Elias-Clarke Miranda reads through the email.
Mom,
I made the boxes and I wrote the note, but I did not buy the candy or steal the money out of your bag. I repeat – I did not take the money. Seriously, I didn't. In fact, I don't even know anything about it. It was all Caroline's idea therefore I am an innocent bystander who should not be punished, yelled at, threaten with death or a possible change in living arrangements. Even though you won't let me paint my room neon green—I do like living here. The following is a list of things that you should really think about NOT doing and a few that you SHOULD do. Please read over them carefully.
Do not be mean to Andy today. That will blow up in your face. Just be mean to Emily instead. Make her eat something. She'll go totally nuts and you'll feel better.
Do not eat too many crab puffs in front of Andy if you have Chinese food later. It might scare her. She's probably never seen you eat. How would I know?
Do not play with your phone. It will make her feel like you're still working instead of hanging out.
Do not talk about work. Andy already knows what you do. And you already know what she does because you tell her what to do.
Do not boss her around. You're not at work.
Do not dress like you're going to work.
Do not ask about her old boyfriend. He is stupid. That's all you need to know.
Do not talk about Daddy or Stephen because she already knows that Daddy and Stephen are stupid.
Do not get mad because I said Daddy is stupid.
Say funny stuff. She likes to laugh. A lot.
She likes to read. A lot. So talking about books is okay.
This should be at the top of the list: Open the door for her. She is not working. She's coming over to hang out and it would really suck if you make her use the stupid key.
Okay, I don't have anything else to say besides—don't eat too many crab puffs. You tend to overdo it but don't worry. Your secret is safe with me but I might think about telling the entire world soon if you don't get my room painted. Seriously. Neon green. This is not a joke.
Cassidy,
Your favorite and perfect child.
P.S. Happy Valentine's Day
Miranda's only reply is that she will do her best to follow all of her daughter's instructions but she doesn't say a word about the paint. That is not happening.
She reads Cassidy's email three more times on the way and knows she'll really have to give some thought to her wardrobe. That had not occurred to her at all. What does one wear when they are 'hanging out'? Because that's apparently what Cassidy thinks they are going to be doing, hanging out. Maybe they will. Maybe they wouldn't. And opening the door. That had not occurred to her either. But by far, the hardest thing on the list will probably be the job of making Andrea laugh. Miranda never tries to make people laugh. Whenever it happens it's more than likely an accident because her sense of humor is either dry or nonexistent.
It's clear this list is going to take some serious work and today is definitely going to be a long day. Miranda is sure of it.
Being met in the lobby of Elias-Clarke by Andrea, surprises her. She'd not expected that and prays to God her face has a somewhat neutral expression on it. And thank God there's a far more conservative dress today. If there hadn't been Miranda might have died right here and almost does anyway because of stopping right in the middle of a hundred people rushing about, trying to get to their jobs. Finally she is able to move though.
Together they enter the elevator. There is obviously no need to take separate ones today…or ever again. When the door closes Miranda says, "Good morning," and looks straight ahead, determined that her eyes will be on their best behavior, no matter if Andrea has dressed more conservatively or not.
"Morning," Andrea presses the button since Miranda has completely forgotten to. "You okay? You didn't kill them, did you?"
"No. I did not. But I did ask Caroline why… At two o'clock in the morning."
Andrea turns to look at her. "Why what? And why at two in the morning?"
"Nightmares. She had a nightmare." Miranda feels like she's close to skipping around in a thousand different directions as the numbers ding off one by one. For some reason she can't focus. It's probably because she wants to kiss Andrea and that really isn't a good idea. Not here. "Caroline said it was because I asked you to stay." Miranda can feel her chest burning. "To stay that night. She said I'd never done that before. Not just with you…but anyone else." She's quick to stop herself from saying the names Greg or Stephen because Cassidy told her that was a bad idea. "And apparently they thought it meant something."
Andrea shrugs and smiles weakly. "I was surprised. It made me a little hopeful, I guess. But then I felt stupid and figured it just meant not-"
"I'm quickly realizing," Miranda stops her. "That I do not like it at all when you believe your feelings or emotions are stupid or nothing, Andrea. I wish you wouldn't, because they do mean a great deal me." Miranda breathes in deep and nods to her like this is something she should already know.
And the truth is, Andrea probably does know it—even in this very short amount of time—but might have just as much trouble believing anyone could feel that way about her as Miranda does. That thought is a little startling and now Miranda knows she's got something else to work on besides Cassidy's list of advice. She's got to get Andrea to trust her.
"I'll work on that, okay?" Andrea frowns and that's the last thing Miranda wants to see so she changes the subject.
"What time are you coming over?"
Andrea smiles again right away and Miranda's stomach flips. "That really depends on when you go home sick with the measles or something," she laughs.
"Having actually experienced that as a child, I don't plan on going through it again—so I'll leave at six. Spot free."
"I have a hard time imagining you with spots," she laughs again and Miranda feels like reporting back to Cassidy that she has succeeded twice thus far in making Andrea laugh, and it's not even nine o'clock yet.
To cover her excitement over such a silly thing, Miranda says, "Don't bother. I was miserable."
"And there was no Chinese food, was there?"
"None." Miranda glances at the numbers. They are almost to their destination and she decides to change the subject again. "I'll have breakfast today. And lunch. That salad I like from Novrosky's, but tell them to put the dressing on the side. If it's left up to them, they're liable to drown it."
"Got it. What about dinner? I can bring food, you know."
Now it's Miranda that turns bright red. In all reality they should eat. Andrea said she wanted to slow down, didn't she? Then she could act like an idiot later, didn't she? And Miranda knows exactly what kind of an idiot Andrea was referring to… But really, she wants nothing more than to act like a complete fool and jump right into bed with this girl as soon as she comes into house. Which is awful and shameful and a million other things. But it's important to Andrea that they slow down, so Miranda better slow down.
"Fine. Yes. Bring food. I… Yes, that's fine."
"Hey, Miranda?" Andrea's voice is so soft Miranda can't help but look at her. "Everything is going to be okay. No matter what happens, it'll be enough for me. I just wanted you to know…I don't want to make you uncomfortable tonight. Or even today."
Miranda's heart and stomach are just a mess and everything else hurts too because she's not allowed to make a single move. The doors are about to open. She is thirty seconds away from having to be Editor and Chief of Runway. But this doesn't mean the entire thirty seconds has to be wasted. Miranda can, at the very least, open her mouth.
With a completely honest and tender look on her face, she says, "I know that Andrea. And you do not make me uncomfortable. Feeling the way I do, in this elevator, in this building, and not being able to do a single thing about it—makes me uncomfortable. As for tonight…" Miranda reaches out and touches Andrea's arm. It is burning up. "I can't even imagine feeling anything that remotely resembles the word."
There's hardly a way to describe how the day goes other than to say that Miranda's eyes behave, she is nice to Andrea, and Emily is forced to eat a steak for lunch and suck down two very fattening Frappuccino's from Starbucks afterwards.
That's not to say Miranda's brain isn't working overtime though, thinking about tonight and what would or would not happen. Andrea's words keep repeating in her head over and over. 'No matter what happens, it'll be enough for me.' Meaning they can essentially play a game of Scrabble and Andrea will be satisfied? Miranda supposes so. That's certainly how she made it sound, like it didn't matter. Like nothing mattered but that they spend time together.
Though part of Miranda has a really, really good feeling that they probably will not end the evening playing Scrabble and falling asleep on the couch, this does make her panic a little. But seriously, hasn't Miranda been panicking since those little boxes of candy were handed to her? So perhaps this is more like a fearful anticipation than panic—if there is such a thing.
In Miranda's prior relationships everything was built around an idea, a plan, and a lot of expectations…a goal of some kind. Andrea really doesn't seem to have any of those things accept to just spend time together. Which is a little peculiar and—Miranda can't believe she is about to acknowledge this—a little romantic. People do not normally want to spend time with her, and Miranda normally doesn't want to spend time with anyone either. But time is exactly what Andrea wants. In whatever way it comes, Andrea only wants time. Time that is not uncomfortable. Time that is not spent making Miranda feel as though is she under any pressure of any kind. Time is simply enough. And who is Miranda to refuse? If Andrea wants to eat Chinese food and play Scrabble, then that is exactly what Miranda will do. That is if they still have Scrabble. The girls might have lost all the letters by now or Patricia might have chewed her way through half the board. Oh, well. She'll just have to go home and find out. If all else fails, there's always the Wii.
By four-thirty a change is evident in Andrea. All day long she has acted as if today is just any other day but not now. Something is wrong now. Well that's a poor choice in words. Something isn't wrong. It's that something needs to be said that cannot be said here. Miranda can tell just by watching her type away at her desk; Andrea is having some kind of internal fit over words she can't say.
A short time later Miranda is locked inside a conference room with a table full of people and she couldn't care less about what they have to say. And it's not just because everything they've got to say is boring and the same old same old. This conference room lacks the presence of what Miranda really cares about and it's practically eating a hole in her gut.
It's a good thing this room is made of nothing but glass because Andrea happens to walk by about the time Miranda starts to think about firing everyone simply because they are keeping her here for no good reason.
Andrea probably doesn't make it two steps past the conferences room before Miranda ends the meeting. It's not as if anything was being accomplished anyway. She has better things to do with her time and so does everyone else or the April issue will be completely empty. Of course, their mouths are all hanging open as Miranda simply says, "We're done here. That's all," and gets up to leave.
The only problem is that Miranda hasn't a clue as to where Andrea went but it doesn't matter. Miranda will find her one way or other and it doesn't take her long. Another problem arises though because it just so happens that she is in Nigel's office and it is yet another room with glass walls. Who thought glass, glass and more glass was ever a good idea? Oh. That's right. Miranda. About fifteen years ago. She wanted to be able to see what everyone was up too. How stupid.
Standing in Nigel's doorway, she hears them trying to coordinate things for an upcoming shoot so there are no conflicting meetings or events to muck things up. At least this is a conversation Miranda can hear without having her brain catch fire.
"Nigel," she says still standing in the doorway. Miranda knows if she goes inside she might very well get distract by all the choices for the next cover that are spread out on Nigel's wall. There isn't time for that today.
Andrea and Nigel both jump to attention with wide eyes because Miranda should still be in a meeting for about thirty more minutes.
"Uh, yes Miranda?" He replies, still looking perplexed.
"I'm going through the Closet to select a few things for the run-through on Monday." And this has got to be the weirdest thing Miranda has every said to him. "Andrea, come along. I need you to take notes." After that she just leaves, not giving either of them the chance to look at her like she's crazy.
They make their way silently to the Closet and by some miracle, are not stopped a million times by people with desks, ladders, or paint buckets. Without a single care in the world about how odd this is going to be, she kicks everyone out and closes the door. And Miranda knows they won't be interrupted. Enough people saw her close the door and nobody ever follows Miranda Priestly through a closed door.
Before she even turns around, Miranda says, "What's the matter?"
"Nothing." Andrea says, and is obviously telling the biggest lie imaginable.
"Don't say that." Miranda turns finally and they stare at one another, about mile apart, in the middle of a bunch of couture that on any other day would have Miranda's full attention. Now someone else has her full attention and it's scary and thrilling all at the same time. "I can see that something is," she says.
"It's nothing. Really." Andrea shakes her head and Miranda is reminded that they're both alike in this. Both insecure. Just because Andrea knows what she wants and who is enough for her, does not mean she's all that confident about receiving it.
Instead of going in a circle, Miranda comes to a decision. She will not wait until the end of the day to hold this woman in her arms. There's no point in it. The funny thing is that when she starts to step forward, Andrea steps back. Being offended by such a move doesn't stop her. Miranda will get what she wants and does finally after taking two more steps to catch up. Still saying nothing, she simply wraps an arm around Andrea's neck and one around her waist. Instantly she feels Andrea let out a sigh and the tension Miranda could sense in her a few seconds ago, disappears.
Tightening her hold, Miranda just waits and wonders at the realization that this is easier than she thought it would be, because just like making people laugh, Miranda doesn't hug anyone unless they are named Caroline and Cassidy.
"I know I said I wanted to slow down." Andrea says quietly and Miranda's heart starts to race, knowing there is a 'but' in whatever Andrea is about to say next. "And that I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable and or anything like that but I just…"
It's highly likely that Andrea has no idea she isn't talking anymore. Miranda shut her up about three seconds ago. Soon Miranda will have to learn to be a better listener but for the time being, she's pretty horrible at it and doesn't mind a bit. The way Andrea's fingers dig into her back, tells Miranda that it doesn't matter anyway.
"I'm still not uncomfortable," Miranda murmurs against Andrea's lips as they come up for a little air.
Andrea doesn't let her say anything and Miranda's brain catches fire again because this is unbelievable. Kissing her. Like this. Being capable of having such tremendous focus toward someone in this way is just unbelievable. It's never been like this before. Getting lost. Miranda's never been lost in someone else, but she is now. And the more they kiss, the deeper they go and the tighter they hold one another, the less likely it is that Miranda will ever be found again. Or at least the Miranda that was before this. Before kissing Andrea.
The sighs, moans and quiet little whimpers that Miranda is able to pull from Andrea, cause her to stop thinking about being lost and to start thinking about wanting more. She wants Andrea. She desperately wants to turn those little whimpers into… Something. Something loud. A sound full of emotion. A sound that fills every square inch of Miranda's house and her soul.
Miranda's hand finds Andrea's breast and she runs her thumb over just the right spot. Andrea gasps and pulls her mouth away to lean her forehead against Miranda's. She doesn't stop, Miranda is not stupid. It took her very little time yesterday to realize this is a sure way to drive Andrea crazy. And she can't wait to try it with the absence of fabric. And pinching…and pulling…and using her tongue to feel and taste Andrea's soft skin...anything really that involves Andrea's breasts, Miranda wants to try it all.
Breathing in and out heavily through her nose, Andrea gasps. "Stop." She pulls her head away. "Please…it's too much. Here. It's too much."
Miranda stops immediately and goes back to just holding her. She refuses to misbehave and instead asks a question. "If I'm still not uncomfortable, what are you afraid of?"
"I just… Miranda, please don't misunderstand me. I don't care what happens tonight. But I..." Andrea stops herself from saying what she wants but Miranda waits. She will not ask again or become a bitch about it. She has to trust that Andrea will finally tell her. And eventually, she does. "I want to stay with you tonight. No matter what, I want to stay with you tonight."
Well this is too funny. "Andrea," Miranda looks at her and is completely confused. "I thought you were." The thought of her not staying the night had never been something Miranda bothered to imagine. "No matter the circumstances, I was under the impression that you would…"
"Oh!" Andrea's grin and now red face is close to blinding. "You did?"
"You didn't? You hadn't planned on it? Our phones nearly melted last night." Miranda points out. "And if time with me is enough…"
Andrea kisses her on the mouth over and over. "It is. It is," she says in between kisses. "I just didn't want you to be freaked out because I wanted to stay."
"I'm not. And I want you to stay, Andrea." Miranda smiles and feels renewed. "I want you to stay."
TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW
Note-Sorry about not making my midnight post. A couple of things happened at work tonight...so I had to actually WORK. Sorry.