A/N – Come on people! Some reviews would be ever so nice…
My italics can sometimes be a little obscure on Edward's part. With Beau, it's fairly obvious when they represent an emphasized thought or a flashback, but with Edward it can represent a read thought or his conscience. I'll try to make it as obvious as possible. Also I don't know how long it takes for the blood of one human to fade from a vampire's eyes, so I've taken some liberty there.
I do not own Twilight or any characters featured therein. Belongs to Stephanie Meyer.
Chapter Three - Weakness
Strike flat the thick rotundity o'th'world,
Crack nature's moulds, all germens spill at once
-King Lear
EPOV
I didn't think that vampires could tire, but now I found myself in the wilderness once more, and exhausted. Whether this was from my endless running or from the sins I had committed, I could not say. The recent snow bathed the landscape in white, and I followed a small stream to a lake where I could wash the blood from my clothes.
Monster.
I was always scrupulously clean when I hunted, but apparently in my frenzy I had forgone even that etiquette. As I washed my shirt, the still lake reflected my almost luminescent red eyes which had just barely begun to fade, and though the beast within me was sated my conscience was writhing in agony. After so many years of abstaining from human blood, after all those years of training myself to be as human as I could possibly be, as much like Carlisle as I could possibly be. After all of that, one look at a human - and not just any human, but a boy, and I was lost to primitive blood lust. What right did he have to barge into the world I had so carefully constructed around myself and bring it down with just a look?
Oh, so it's all his fault, is it? How compassionate.
I should not think that way. He was innocent, entirely innocent in my wrongdoings. But why had he affected me as he had? His soft, brown eyes were the very picture of perfection. I felt my body reacting at the very thought of them. Fuck, Edward. He's a human. And a guy. Did you forget those little details? I did not have a great deal of memories from my human life, but I did know that such thoughts would have been entirely taboo back then. Things had changed, but attraction to other males was not something that had ever appeared on the radar of my consciousness. I had Jasper and Emmett, my married brothers, to whom I had only ever felt fraternal feelings. Similarly with Carlisle. There was Forks High, full of boys my own - admittedly frozen - age. For those boys, I had felt anything ranging from disgust, to mild kinship, to utter indifference based on the thoughts running through their heads.
But this boy. I had not seen him before. There were rumblings which I had barely paid attention to that we were to have a new student soon. He was the only face my vampiric memory did not recognize, and the beaten up old red truck was the only vehicle. Was this boy Chief Swan's son? I smirked. It would figure that such a joyless old man and such a hideous truck would give rise to a being that could hold me captive then send me insane with a single, stunning look. Was it possible that I was attracted to him? Was it just the intoxicating smell of his blood that taunted me? Or was it something more?
I bet the skin on his neck would be warm, and soft, and perfect. Blood or no.
I couldn't let myself get carried away by this human boy, for so many reasons. Most importantly of all, he was a human. It was one thing to murder a pimp and a drug dealer - that in itself will haunt me - and another to endanger the life of an innocent boy with his whole life ahead of him. The most simple solution would be to move. That's not going to happen, I told myself. Esme and Carlisle and the others have made their homes here, for now at least. I would be unfair of me to insist we relocate. If they ever accept me back into the family at all. Perhaps I could simply apologise to this Swan boy, and try as damn hard as I could to never see him again. I had striven hard to build an identity for myself since my transformation, and I was not about to let errant thoughts about another male shake the fragile existence I had constructed around me.
"Edward, it is good to see you again. I didn't realize you would be back so soon." cooed a smooth voice from the other side of the small lake. With an elegant leap, Tanya was standing next to me. Indeed, my travels had brought me all the way to Alaska. "You've hunted a human, haven't you?"
I closed my eyes and turned away in shame. Tanya would not care - she lived the life of a vampire 'vegetarian', but held no grudge against those who indulged in humans. Still, I could not bring myself to let anybody see me in this abominable state. "I'm sorry, Tanya, it hasn't been a good few days."
"Edward, you're always having a bad day. As if we haven't been able to fix that in the past." she continued, running a finger along my back. The touch caused my body to react just a little, but what little interest my mind held for Tanya had ebbed away. Perhaps wondering why I had not looked at her, she stepped in front of me and pressed her considerable cleavage into my chest. "Look at me, Edward." she said simply, her palm pushing my face towards her. "What is wrong?"
I opened my eyes and took in her beautiful face. Beautiful it was, but not compelling like it deserved to be. Tanya had always known that her feelings for me were not reciprocated, and had respected the limits of our physical relationship. Still, I knew it was pure arrogance on my part that I used her for release, and to add to the preciously short list of things my life that I truly had any control over. Her hair tumbled gently down her elegant shoulders. Why can't I love you, Tanya? I thought with a groan and pinched the bridge of my nose.
"Tanya, it has been wrong of me to continue our relationship as long as I have. I have been unfair to you, and we both know I cannot give you what you want, and what you deserve. I am so sorry."
Even as it came out of my mouth, the apology sounded worthless. Her face was impassive, but her eyes betrayed a touch of sadness. She dropped her palm from my cheek and turned to look towards the water.
"No, Edward. It is my fault. I have enjoyed what we have shared together, but I am entirely aware that you are not willing to... stay with me." she said, a little stiffly.
"I am just so confused right now. I've killed a man, I've lost control of my senses, I've run from Washington to Alaska and I've very nearly killed another innocent human, all because of a BOY!" I screamed, dropping to my knees and crushing the rocks beneath my fists. Tanya whirled around to look at me, a strange expression on your face as I regained my footing.
"A boy, you say?" she said softly, before turning back to the lake. Small patches of frost could be spotted here and there across the surface of the water, and tonight it would likely freeze over. Tanya stepped back over to me and placed her hand back on my cheek, before pulling my face down closer to hers as she stood on her toes. She looked carefully into my eyes, and before I could pull away her lips were against mine. The kiss was soft and lingering. She closed her eyes and sighed, and when she opened them, they seemed more settled. "Do come back to Alaska, sometime, Edward. I know my sisters have missed you." she said with a smile before turning once more to the lake. I took her words as a goodbye, but she made no move to leave, instead standing statue-like at the water's edge.
"Tanya?" I asked softly, but she did not reply, continuing to look towards the horizon. Eventually she raised a hand to place an errant strand of hair back behind her ear.
"There is a herd of deer to the south, Edward. Look out for them." she said softly, before resuming her statue-like vigil. I nodded, walking back past her and to the south. An hour later, the sun was setting in the distant mountains, and I stopped my leisurely pace to look back in the direction of the lake. I could just make out a small smile on Tanya's face as she finally moved from the lake, soon hidden by the thick growth of the forest.
---
By the time I finally allowed myself to return to Forks, my eyes were a rich amber color once more. I was still ruminating on Tanya's last words to me, and I wondered if she cared that I refrain from murdering any more humans. In any case, I didn't seem to have an appetite for deer, instead enjoying a few of my preference, the mountain lion, as the crimson continued to fade from my eyes. I was apprehensive about returning to the mansion after what I had done, and for vanishing without a trace for a fortnight. I hoped Alice's visions would put my family at ease, if they still had concerns to be eased. I stood in the forest beyond the house and listened for their thoughts. Alice was calm - she had been worried about me, but had seen my return within the next few minutes. Her thoughts provided no insight on her the rest of my family would react, however. Emmett and Jasper were engaged in a video game, and Rosalie was... satisfied about something, but what I could not decide as she was distracted by Emmett roaring in joy at his victory.
I then turned to the thoughts of my adoptive parents, and all I could sense was sadness and rage.
"EDWARD CULLEN!" bellowed Esme as she leaped with grace from an upstairs window, marched up to me and slapped my face with astounding ferocity. "Don't you ever do that to me again! Where have you been? I have been worried out of my mind! Alice insists that -"
"Mom, I'm sorry." I sighed in defeat. "I'm so goddamn sorry. I don't know what came over me. I've killed somebody, mom." Were it not for my grisly crime I would have sounded like a little boy, and I sat down in the grass as Esme cradled my head. Of course, Esme was not my parent, and sometimes I felt concerned about how healthy it was for me to see she and Carlisle as such, and for them to see me as their son. But as my body was perpetually that of a young man, so too my emotions were often not those of a man of nearly one hundred. In such times, I pushed aside my reservations about our constructed family and sought comfort in them.
"Shhh, Edward." she murmured. "I understand that it is difficult. Sometimes we do things, very bad things, when we lose control. But no matter how bad it gets, running away from your family, without even telling us where you are going and when you will be back, will not help."
I heard Carlisle approach, and his thoughts told me of his disappointment. But I was surprised that, while he was indeed disappointed in me for killing a human, he was far more disappointed that I had not come to him for help and advice. Alice appeared alongside him.
This is your story to tell, Edward. I haven't told them anything more. But, please, please tell them yourself. It's not healthy to continue on like this, she thought.
---
"Edward, you've always come to me for advice when you've needed in the past. Why not this time?" Carlisle asked me sadly as we sat in his study. The rest of the household had gone out to hunt, save for Rosalie.
"Because quite clearly I am not in my right mind, Carlisle!" I said exasperatedly. "A boy comes into the cafeteria, and the next thing I know I'm chasing him down for his blood. Alice ordering Emmett after me is apparently all that spared his life. Then I ran to Port Angeles and murdered a man."
"We do our best to refrain from drinking human blood, Edward. But I have to confess my disappointment that you would think we would reject you when you had a moment of weakness in this. As you know, it can be a daily struggle for poor Alice to keep Jasper in line. Surely you have more faith in our relationship than this?"
"It was hardly a 'moment of weakness', Carlisle. He's dead, and it's my fault." I spat, running my hands through my hair.
"Edward," Carlisle persisted, "your control over these past decades has been astounding. And now we find ourselves up against something new. Do not dismiss all you have achieved because of this. You will get through it." I gave my hair a rest and stood up, looking around the room. I just wish I knew why this boy made me react so strongly. My theory, Carlisle though, is that we may have found your singer, Edward.
"My singer?" I gasped, wheeling around to face my father. "How is that possible? I mean, I know it's not exactly the same thing, but aren't singers at least in some way tied to... attraction?"I distinctly heard Rosalie think to herself, well obviously. I snorted.
Well, Edward, were you attracted to him? Carlisle thought. Yes. I was attracted to him. I wish I knew what that meant. No matter what, I could never lie to Carlisle.
"Yes." I said to his face. "Not that it makes the slightest bit of difference. He is a human and I am a danger to him."
Edward, Carlisle thought, you needn't pretend that this isn't bothering you. You know the changes I have seen in my years, you know as well as any that the attitudes we clung to in the past were not always for the best. Please, this is something that only you can think through for yourself, but do not let it burden your mind. As powerful as the call of human blood is to us, it along with everything else will ultimately pale in comparison to the pull of love. Wherever you might find it.
"I am not in love with him!" I growled, glaring at Carlisle. "Don't be so ridiculous. I don't know what in the world this is, but it is not love and it will not continue."
"Forgive me, Edward." Carlisle said softly. "I did not mean to refer to his, or any situation in particular. It was merely advice." I nodded at him, before making my way out of his study. The others had returned from there hunting, hopeful that I had resolved the situation with Carlisle. As I made my way to my room, two thoughts from Alice jumped out at me, accidentally or not, before she turned her mind to Jasper. First, was a vision of this Swan boy and I embracing in small, green clearing. The second was a discussion she had had with a girl about the new student. His name was Beau.
Beautiful.
BPOV
It had been two weeks since I had seen Edward Cullen. Part of me - most of me - was grateful that I hadn't had to see those hateful eyes again. The rumor which his family had disseminated throughout the student body was that he was having his annual visit with his birth mother in Chicago, the Cullen children being adopted. I didn't know whether or not this was true, and I couldn't help but think his absence had something to do with me. Those eyes, he wasn't just having a bad day. He really looked as though he wanted me dead. I sat alone in the kitchen, eating my now soggy cornflakes.
"Right there, Beau? I'm off to work now." Charlie said as he popped his head in the doorway, a hint of concern in his voice. He was worried about whether or not I was fitting in at school. The best I could say was that there had been nothing like a repeat of my first day, and there had no more bizarre cases of car resurrection.
"Yeah, dad. I'm fine." I grinned. "Have a good day. And don't forget your gun, alright?" I'd had a hell of a time explaining to the next door neighbor why I had opened the door with a gun in my hand when she had come over to request I collect her mail while she was on vacation. Poor woman almost had a heart attack.
While my time at school was ranging from frightening to just boring, my time with Charlie seemed to be going okay. We had our routine - either I cooked, or we had takeout. I did my homework before coming downstairs to watch late night talk shows with him, then we both headed off to sleep. Wash, rinse and repeat. Just what we were both comfortable with.
After cramming my completed biology homework into my shiny new backpack, I grabbed my keys and headed off. Mike had been kind enough to recommend one to me at his family's store. I couldn't understand why he got such a bad rap from some people behind his back - he was a bit simple, but entirely inoffensive. My truck, still in good spirits after its miraculous recovery, provided me with an uneventful ride to school, save for a silver Volvo which tailgated me for a while before zooming on ahead. I noticed in the parking lot as well. Probably some spoiled rich kid having a good laugh at my old truck, I thought as I patted its hood sympathetically.
The day passed as uneventfully as most any other had since my second day, and Eric and Angela and the others didn't seem to mind me sitting with them. It was nice - I can't say we really talked much, which was my own fault - but it was good to sit with people and feel comfortable. Maybe even consider them friends someday. As we were heading into Biology, Mike made to grab my books and ran off down the corridor.
"Oh, would you look at that? Somebody stop that awful, awful man!" I cried in an effeminate, high-pitched voice as though Mike had stolen my handbag. This earned me a good laugh from the other students and a rather clumsy (on my part) high-five from Mike once he relented and returned my books. Feeling good about how the day had progressed, I sat down eagerly at my Cullen-free table. As long as we weren't dissecting anything and nobody had to witness me hurling up the cafeteria's attempts at food, Biology was probably my favorite subject at Forks High, though I sometimes wondered why they had no music subjects on offer.
"Hello?" said a smooth, velvety voice to my right, startling me. Strange, nobody sits-
Fuck. Aw hell diddly ding dong crap.
Edward Cullen was standing next to my table. I would have put on my best scowl if I weren't so terrified.
Fagboy.
Fagboy.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you..." he said slowly, sitting down next to me. He didn't seem angry. Once I had my breathing back under control, I took a look at him. No way in hell should it be legal for him to be that good looking, I thought to myself bitterly. That definitely is not fair. His eyes, though. They were different this time. Instead of the death-ray shooting black holes of my first day, his eyes were a warm, buttery goldeny color. How did that happen? Had he been wearing black contacts or something? Perhaps he's an emo? I took a quick look at his legs, but his jeans didn't look black or skinny. They're nice legs, though. Fuck. Stop that.
"Are you alright?" he asked, breaking me out of my apparent daze. "I'm sorry I haven't had the chance to introduce myself yet. I'm Edward Cullen." He smiled at me, and held out his hand. I gingerly accepted it, and damn did he have a strong grip. The bones in my fingers threatened to snap and I winced. Not only that, but his hand was the temperature of the table. He immediately looked shocked and withdrew his hand. Even though it hurt, I missed it... "You are Chief Swan's son, aren't you? Beau Swan?"
"Oh..y-yep. That's me, new kid." I said in what I hoped was a chipper voice, raising my hand slightly. He chuckled and put his hands on the edge of the table.
"I don't know if you remember me," he began, "but I think we caught each other's eye in the cafeteria a few weeks ago. I must apologize for glaring at you, I had just received some rather... unsettling news." What on Earth could be that unsettling?
"It's cool, don't worry about it." I said, waving my hand dismissively. I was still a bit wary, not least because of his freaky eye routine, but nevertheless relieved that he no longer seemed to want to hand my ass to me on a platter. After hearing my acceptance of his apology, though, his face lit up with the most amazing smile, and I almost came in my pants. Fuckety fuckety fuck fuck fucks. His strong jaw framed the incredible, lop-sided grin and his eyes... sparkled? Eyes don't actually sparkle, surely. Calm down, Dorothy. Stop staring. He's okay with you now, don't go and give him any other reason to get pissed off with you. I quickly looked down at the table, but in my peripheral vision I noticed cracks forming where his hands held onto the edge of the table. Now that's not right. Was the Forks football couch feeding his boys growth hormones or something?
I didn't have time to dwell on this as the class began. I took out my homework and noticed Edward had gone rather still and silent. I kept to my resolve not to stare at him though, and kept my eyes on my work. It was a lab today, as we examined the mitosis phases of onions. Not terribly thrilling, but having a guy that made Brad Pitt look like a moldy old cat lady kept me rather on edge. Not that I really had to worry, I had done this all before in Phoenix.
Edward seemed impressed by my efforts, finally braking out of his frozen state, but still speaking rather stiffly. "You like Biology?"
"Yeah, it's pretty good, you know. As long as we're not cutting anything open, I think I've got it all under control." I laughed nervously.
"Funny," he added softly, not looking me in the eye, "I often feel the same way."
I didn't really know why, but it felt good that Mr Perfect, who identified every phase much faster than I did, had a flaw. I couldn't really picture him being queasy, though. It was quite strange - only this morning his eyes were the source of the most horrible thoughts and dreams for me. Yet now, after just a few warm words on his part, I felt so much more at ease. I doubted that this cordiality would extend beyond the biology table - I had been informed that the Cullens kept entirely to themselves, and generally looked down on the other students - I thought I might at least get in a goodbye to him as the class ended. It was difficult to know whether to feel attracted to or intimidated by the perfection that was Edward Cullen. Just one of the quirks of being attracted to guys... But when I turned to him, I noticed his face contorted in disgust, and he immediately fled the room before I could even pick up my bag.
A/N – REVIEW! Pretty please with various well-known cast members on top?