Auditions

Author's note: Caution. This contains very blatant character bashing. I will tell you that Daisy bashing isn't intentional. She's one of my favorite characters. However, in the auditions, the rest of the characters… well, you'll see.

"You know what I think?" Zell was talking to Pit in the game room. The two had discovered some retro gaming systems and were now perusing some of the games. After all, in video games, the characters had to have their games so that they could compare, complain, and compete with the others.

"What, Zell?" Pit asked. He was using a Gameboy advance, playing The Legend of Zelda: Minish Cap. Ironically, that was the game Zell was from.

"We need more characters," she replied. Suddenly, she fell over giggling.

"What now, Zell?" Pit turned to look at her screen. He realized she'd just been playing his own game, Kid Icarus, and had just taken too many hits from an enemy and had received a 'Game over'.

"What's so funny? In the game, I'm dead!" he was becoming frustrated.
"Your choice of words is, for some reason, hysterical!" she replied, still giggling. On the screen flashed the words "I'm Finished!"

"Hahaha, very funny," he said sarcastically. "Wait until something happens to you in your game—wait, who's that weirdo with that cloak?"

"Something always happens to the princess," whined Zell. "Every major Nintendo game that I can think of, the hero has to rescue his princess. Sometimes she rewards him with a kiss. Typical fairytale fluff."

"I only think that that happened in a Legend of Zelda game a few times. It sort of happened in mine. But I know for a fact that Peach and Mario are portrayed as romantically linked in pretty much every game," Pit replied.

"Well, as I was saying," Zell turned on her game once more. "We need some more, stranger people here at Smash Mansion."

"What is this guy doing? He's shooting dark fireballs at all the guards!" Pit obviously hadn't comprehended what she was saying yet. "Oh, yeah, we do," when he realized she'd been talking to him.

"I'll ask Master Hand and Crazy Hand if they'd consider auditions," Zell continued.

"Okay, oka—WOW!" Pit was still paying more attention to his game. "You're shooting the monsters!"

"I don't know why I'm still not an official brawler," Zell complained. "I can use Din's fire!"

"I think it's because you're too awesome for brawls—stupid Link, jump aside!" Pit was now shouting at his Gameboy. "If you see the guy about to shoot you and your friend, you don't hold a teeny shield up! You grab her hand and—oh, man. Zell, you just got turned to stone!"

"Could you pay attention?" she asked. Any talk about how useless she'd been during the duration of Minish Cap put her in a bad mood.

"Sure. I like your idea. I'll go gather a list of characters," Pit raced out. Zell, meanwhile, went to have an audience with the Hands. She hoped they liked her idea.

"So, as I was saying, so elegantly backed up by Ness here who so gladly showed up, we need some more characters," Zell finished.

"Do you have any idea of who you'd like included?" Master Hand asked.
"Pit's doing a survey," she replied. "I sure hope he can catch up with Yoshi. He's final smashing again."

"Pit's got wings," Master Hand replied. "Wings of Icarus, might I add."

"LOL," said Crazy Hand. He was obviously looking at Facebook.

"A Hand just said LOL!" Ness seemed genuinely surprised. "I've got to tell everyone!"

"No, you won't," Master Hand snapped.

"Yes, I will."

"Why did you say that?" Zell asked.

"DKDC," Crazy Hand replied.

"Okay, we'll have to hold the auditions now," Zell was smug. "It'll distract Ness."

"Um, I'm right here," Ness tapped her shoulder.

After some more heated conversation between Zell and the Hands, they were on their way to a (hopefully) great audition. It was on Final Destination, and the smashers sat where the crowd usually did. Everyone was extremely excited, so when Zell got the auditions underway, everyone was nearly falling out of their seats. They loved the idea of new smashers. New faces were always welcome.

"I can hardly wait!" Zelda gasped.

"Neither can I," Link replied.

"I hope Zell makes good choices," Pit was hovering above them slightly, getting the best view possible. With wings came many benefits.

First Audition: Waluigi

"I'm-a tired of-a my status being assist-a trophy!" he cried.

"What can you do, exactly?" Master Hand was taking notes on his laptop as Zell asked questions.

"My-a tennis racket," Waluigi grinned and smacked one of the dummies onstage. "I-a can also-a do-a this!" with that, he hit one of the soccer balls onstage with his tennis racket. The aim was a close to perfect as possible. Unfortunately, just then, it hit Master Hand. That time, near perfect wasn't nearly enough.

"Um, we'll consider you," Zell looked uncomfortable next to the seething Master Hand.

"NO, WE WON'T!" Master Hand screamed. "GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE TAKE YOU OFF YOUR ASSSIST TROPHY!"

"That was mean," muttered Zell as Waluigi skittered off the stage.

"He needed putting in his place," Master Hand replied.

"People smack you all the time!"

"Only in brawls," he snapped in reply. Zell feared for the safety of whoever was going next. Master Hand was in a terrible mood

Second Audition: Daisy

"It's-a my girl!" Luigi cried happily when he saw her on the stage.

"Hi, I'm Daisy, and I'd like to be a character," she said politely. She carefully demonstrated her powers, but Master Hand was unimpressed.

"They're the same as Peach," he muttered. Daisy fled crying from the stage.

"Why do I always have to be compared to her?" she sobbed as she left.

"Well, maybe we'll make her an assist trophy, just to compromise," suggested Zell.

Third Audition: Ruto

"Um, this game is rated T?" Zell was confused when the Zora, dressed in nothing but her birthday suit, came on stage.

"Until you learn what clothes are, stay away," added Master Hand. Ruto walked off the stage, never even able to display her powers. Did she even have any? wondered Zell. Or did her near-constant indecent exposure just scare everyone off?

"And she was the girl who decided you were her fiancée, right?" Zelda looked upset.

"I never agreed. That nudity thing really creeps me out," Link replied. Zelda looked relieved.

"She was pretty, though," Zelda said hesitantly.

"Not as pretty as some I know," Link smiled at her.

Fourth Audition: Tingle

"AAAAHHHHH!" screamed Toon Link, ducking under his seat. Link, Zelda, and Zell followed suit, leaving a very confused Pit hanging in the air.

"Tingle Tingle Loompah Loompah! Koolimpah! I can hardly wait to be a fairy!" Tingle sang.

"Um, guys, what's wrong?" Pit asked Toon Link, who looked as though he were trying to avoid bomb shrapnel under his seat.

"It's Tingle! He's the second-most annoying Legend of Zelda character ever!" Toon Link replied, obviously frightened. "Besides, on my Four Swords Adventure (see the manga) I rescued him, and in repayment he nabbed my force gem and almost got my purple clone killed!"

"Doesn't sound too bad to me," Pit replied, still confused.

"He distracted Link on kinstone quests in Minish Cap when he should've been trying to rescue me," Zell cried angrily.

"Okay, that's pretty bad," Pit was now in agreement with the others. "DIE, YOU MISERABLE WANNABE FAIRY!" he shouted to Tingle and aimed one of his arrows.

"A fairy with wings!" Tingle shrieked and raced toward Pit, who stopped aiming his arrow and fled screaming like a small girl. Of course, Tingle gave chase in his balloon.

"Um, let's not let him in," Zell mumbled to Master Hand.

"You're going to stay as an assist trophy!" he announced.

"Aww," Tingle's balloon popped and he left to back stage.

"Whew," Zell, Zelda, Toon Link, Link, and Pit all gave a sigh of relief and emerged from their hiding place, or, in Pit's case, flew back to above his seat.

"For the next audition, the character auditioning has asked for a volunteer!" Crazy Hand called, finally looking up from his laptop. "Link, how about you come up?"

"Fine," mumbled Link, climbing backstage to meet the character. A second later, he ran out screaming.

"No, I don't want to, why do I have to?" he sobbed.

"Why's he acting like that?" Toon Link asked Zelda, climbing onto her lap. It was a habit for him to sit on her lap whenever Link wasn't around. Everyone knew he had a crush on her. However, everyone also knew that she had a crush on Link. No one knew how Link felt about her, though.

"I don't want to know," Zelda mumbled. All of a sudden she screamed as well when the auditioning character emerged.

Fifth audition: Navi

"Oh, god," breathed Toon Link. He'd had Ciela as a fairy partner, and had heard from Link that Ciela was ten times better and less annoying as Navi. She'd occasionally ticked him off, but he'd heard Navi was much worse.

"IT'S THE MOST ANNOYING CHARACTER IN MY ENTIRE SERIES!" Link hollered.

"So, Miss, what is your power?" Master Hand asked, a little surprised by the reaction of Link.

"I'll show you," she replied cheerfully. Then, she fluttered next to Link. Zelda covered her ears- and her eyes.

"HEY!" the fairy suddenly screamed, right in Link's ear. "LISTEN!"

Toon Link began to cry.

"What's wrong?" Pit asked him.

"What he has to endure," he sobbed as the fairy continued her one-sided conversation with a very unfortunate Link.

"LOOK!"

"Where?" Link turned around to see that she had floated above Zelda with her ears covered.

"HELLO!" She began flying quickly in circles around him.

"WATCH OUT!" With that, Navi flew and turned green above a dummy.

"Why do I exist?" moaned Link.

"HEY!"
"LISTEN!"
"LISTEN!"
"HELLO!"
"WATCH OUT!"
"LOOK!"
"HEY!"

By now, the entire audience was screaming or clutching their ears.

"HEY!"
"LOOK!"
"HEY!"
"WATCH OUT!"
"LISTEN!"
"LISTEN!"
"WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP?" screamed Pit and aimed an arrow. The entire audience began cheering him on. Just as he released his deadly projectile, Navi turned green and flew upward.

"WATCH OUT!"

Link gave a sigh and made a rude gesture at Navi.

"HELLO!"
"LISTEN!"
"HEY!"
"LOOK!"
"HELLO!"
"HEY!"

Link finally had enough and leapt off a cliff, earning Navi a KO.

"WATCH OUT!" she screamed finally.

"BOO!" The smashers in the audience had never been so negative.

"Well, she was… powerful," Master Hand mumbled to Zell. "Let's consider her."

"If you let her in, no one would forgive you," she mumbled in reply.

"Any more auditions?" he asked.

"No," she replied. "That stupid fairy gave me a headache."

Did I hurt anyone's feelings in my bashings? If I did, don't hesitate to let me know in a review. Also, I am now accepting any requests for my next Auditions in a few chapters. Until then, do you have any ideas? Do you have any questions? Detect the beginnings of romance? Just let me know.

Also, Navi? Yes, I hate her. I hope I didn't make it too obvious (sarcasm intended here).