The next morning when she woke up, Holder was still sleeping. He was snoring softly, and his arms were wrapped around her like steel bands. He'd slept like this - holding her near - since the very first night. Funnily, it hadn't become any less of what felt like a novelty. And she remembered that first night like it was yesterday.
It had been awkward, as they tried to figure out where they should be, what each one of them really wanted, without actually vocalizing it. Things had been fine for most of the evening, as he caught her up on his life and asked her careful questions about hers. But then, it was time to sleep, and she suddenly realized that contrary to what she had believed, the hardest part wasn't getting out of her car outside of his work. Unsure of what he really wanted, she had volunteered to go to a hotel.
"No way, Linden," he had immediately vetoed. "I asked you to stay and I meant it. You don't need to go sleep in some hotel." He'd kept on babbling then, about knowing how overwhelming it must be for her, about how he knew that if she had thought about where she'd be sleeping that night it probably wouldn't have been in Seattle, and definitely not with him.
"Your bed is pretty big," she finally suggested, uncomfortable but taking pity on him and also finding his awkwardness endearing. She hadn't realized he'd been nervous about having her here until now. And maybe he hadn't been. But really, he was right. Being here with him had never been something she had really considered. Never been something she thought would be possible. It was overwhelming. And daunting. But she'd come this far, now...and it obviously mattered to him a lot, so...
It hadn't been any less awkward, climbing into his bed with him. And then even more disquieting lying there in the dark, wondering if she was too close? If she should turn her back to him? Face him? She didn't remember first nights with someone ever being so weird before.
"Linden," Holder had broken the silence first, his voice filled with hesitation. When she acknowledged him with a hum, because she didn't quite trust her voice not to crack with all of the nervous energy she could barely contain, he continued, "Tell me if I'm overstepping, ok?" And before she had had a chance to agree, he'd reached out and gathered her up into his arms, turning them so his front was to her back, her head resting in the crook of one of his elbows and his other arm lying over her ribs, hand resting just below her breasts. She had sought his hand with hers, then matched her breathing to his, letting it lull her to sleep.
She smiled at the memory. There hadn't been a single night since that she didn't sleep in his arms. She should feel trapped, but she didn't. She just felt safe. It wasn't often she woke up first - usually she drifted awake to his hands caressing her back, or her hair, and she'd find him watching her, his eyes soft and warm. Happy. But when he was still sleeping, she got to sink closer into him, to enjoy the closeness in silence. As she let her thoughts wander, she remembered another time she had woken first.
It took a week before they did more than sleep. But then one morning, she'd been awake before him. His arm was around her, his hand cupping her breast under her shirt. It felt good, too good. By the time he woke up, she was arching against his hand, trying to increase the pressure, and her other hand had traveled down in an attempt to relieve the dull ache between her legs. It hadn't taken him long to realize what she was doing, and even less time to admonish her and take over.
And it had been good. Incredible, even. What Holder lacked in sophistication he more than made up for in how all-in he was. He was fully invested in her pleasure. And that hadn't changed. Not that first time, and not the many times that had come after. This morning could be the same, she thought. But it was trickier when Kalia was over, and she wasn't quite ready to get caught naked. And if he woke up, he would definitely be getting her naked in no time flat. So as much as she'd like to lie there and savour being with Holder while he was unconscious and wouldn't know she was doing it…she really needed to avoid being there when he woke up so that they wouldn't get caught. It had already almost happened once before, and she'd like to think she learned lessons easier nowadays than she used to.
With that thought, she carefully untangled herself from Holder and slid from the bed. He mumbled in his sleep, reaching for her. She couldn't resist kissing him once, softly, and shushing him. Not something he'd ever catch her doing while he was awake, mind.
"Love you, Sarah," he mumbled, settling back into slumber. Good, she thought practically, even as her mushy heart grew and made her want to crawl right back in with him and wake him up until he showed her how much he loved her.
She made a pot of coffee then contemplated where she'd enjoy her first cup of the day. Normally she curled up on the couch, leaning back into the comfiest part. Problem was, the living room had been taken over by the jolly green monster. She sank into the couch anyways and stared balefully at the tree. Here, she had thought that it was all of the Christmas music that was going to be the culprit that threw the season in her face. That was nothing compared to the monstrosity that was their Christmas tree. It was pretty, though, she had to admit, in a totally unconventional kind of way. Which suited them, she supposed. And so many things about it were obvious displays of Holder's thoughtfulness. It made her feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It terrified her.
And there it was. The honest truth. Her biggest problem with the tree and Christmas this year was that every day, she was scared it would be the last day. That she would get a taste of what Christmas could be like, and then find out it was a one-shot deal. Or worse, that it wouldn't even last until Christmas...that she'd wake up Christmas morning and find out it had all been some hopeless fantasy. She knew Holder was the one who always stays, but what if she was wrong? What if he changed his mind? What if she screwed it up? She didn't know how to be in this kind of relationship. Didn't know what to do with someone who always stays. What would happen when they fought? How was she supposed to react? How would he react? She didn't know how to do normal couple things. She thought she should probably talk to Holder about it. Honesty, open communication, and all that. But she was scared to, as well. She was scared she wouldn't like what he'd have to say.
Needing a distraction from her own mind, her gaze traveled to the little tobogganing bears. She really hoped Holder wasn't serious about that particular activity. It just seemed so…. She wasn't sure. Embarrassing, maybe? Silly? Non-Seattle-like? How'd Holder come up with that idea, anyways?
She was startled from her musings by the subject of them clearing his throat. "Penny for your thoughts," Holder offered with a smile.
"They're worth a lot more than a penny," she quipped, making him laugh. He wandered to the kitchen, poured himself a cup of coffee, and came to ease down beside her on the couch, slinging one arm over her shoulders. It didn't escape her notice that he was always touching her.
"You looked like you were having some pretty deep thoughts," he tried again after taking a sip of his drink. "You gonna share?"
She inhaled, but then words wouldn't come. She wasn't sure where to start. How to start. And then Kalia started chirping in the other room, saving her for the time being. "Later," she suggested. And she gave into the urge to kiss him, leaning over to touch her lips gently to his. "I love you," she murmured as she settled back against the couch.
"I'm hungry," Kalia stated from the doorway.
"I guess I better feed my women, then," Holder mused. "What would you two like?"
"PepperJellyEggs!" Kalia shot off rapidfire, then ran for the kitchen. "I'll help!"
"You got it, little lady. Pepper Jelly Eggs coming right up," Holder chuckled, pushing himself up from the couch. When she went to get up and help, he pressed her back down with one hand on her shoulder. "Chillax, Linden. We gotcha." He punctuated his order with an easy kiss before jogging to the kitchen to save his refrigerator from his daughter.
"I thought you were joking," she sighed, as Holder tried to rush them into winter clothes and out the door. They'd barely finished cleaning up after their late breakfast or early lunch or whatever it was, before he had started poking them around and trying to get Kalia moving.
"Why would you think that?" he asked her slyly, tossing his kid's jacket at her.
"Because. There's no snow in Seattle."
"There is at Snoqualmie. I booked us in for 2 o'clock, so we really gotta get goin'."
The hour drive was spent mostly with Kalia chattering along about everything she was going to do and who she was going to tube with first - because Holder had told her that she'd get to ride with them since she wasn't quite big enough for her own tube just yet. It kind of sent her back to a time when Jack was that age, and excited about the smallest things. It had been so easy to keep him happy, back then. Now he didn't even want to spend Christmas with her.
She gave her head a hard shake, trying to push the thought away. You're with Holder, she reminded herself, and he's doing all these nice things for you. She had to focus on that.
"Hey," Holder said softly, as if he sensed her mood. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," she smiled at him, hoping it didn't look as tight as it felt. Because nothing should be wrong.
"Mmmhmm," Holder hummed, then waited. It was as if he figured if he waited her out she'd cave and tell him. He'd never quite figured out that just because he always caved, didn't mean she did.
"It's nothing, really. Just Jack," she finally admitted when she couldn't take it anymore. It annoyed her a bit to hear herself admitting it. Mostly because it meant Holder's strategy was right.
"Ah, he's just a punk."
Holder's dismissal of Jack's choices as punk-kid stupidity made her reach for his hand, wanting the contact with this man who was always there for her. She brought it to her face, kissed his knuckles, then rubbed her cheek against the back of his hand before letting it drop into her lap.
"It's not too late to do something else, you know," she suggested hopefully a few minutes later as they passed a highway sign advertising Snoqualmie.
"Why would we want to do that?" Holder lifted the hand she was still holding until he could poke her in the chest with one curled up finger. "I know that deep in here you can't wait to go slidin' down that hill."
"Is that what you think?" she queried, aiming for a mysterious tone. She must have succeeded because Holder chuckled before resting their joined hands back in her lap.
"C'mon, Linden. Whatcha got against tubing?" Holding was jostling her as she stared suspiciously at the hill they were supposed to slide down.
"Well, it's not tobogganing, for one," she pointed out dryly.
"Sure it is. Just with a tube. Same thing, different vehicle. Same idea. Same fun. Maybe more," he mused. "Try again."
"It just seems to...juvenile." she admitted. "But that's not really surprising, I guess. I'm hanging out with you, after all."
She was aiming for a reaction, of course, and she got it He pretended to collapse, clutching his chest. "You wound me, woman!" He groaned, increasing the theatrics to that of a dying man.
She had to laugh. "Come on, get up. Let's go, if you want to do this so badly."
"Let's go!" Kalia bounced up and down, trying to tug him up.
"Don't mind if I do!" he bounded back to his feet and shoved a tube at her before taking Kalia by the hand. "C'mon, little lady. Let's show Sarah how it's done."
He pretty much threatened to shove her down the hill if she didn't get in the tube, the first time. Warned her that if she wasn't at the bottom by the time they got back to the top, she'd be goin' down whether she liked it or not. She didn't trust Holder not to make good on that threat, so she got in the damned tube in the next lane over, and followed Holder and his kid down the run. Kalia's shouts of joy drifted back to her the whole way down.
They had a choice between riding back up, or walking back up the hill. She chose to walk - good exercise since she wouldn't be running today. Holder took that in stride and joined her, with Kalia bouncing along all the way up the hill. "I'm going with Sarah this time," she declared, scrambling into her lap without waiting for approval. Holder's little girl was sunny and warm and sweet and open and had accepted Sarah as some sort of figure in her life immediately. And she was vivacious - she shrieked with joy all the way down the hill. By the time they got to the bottom Sarah's ears were ringing, but the child's happiness - and Holder's - was contagious.
"You two go back up, I'm gonna wait down here," Holder suggested.
"Why, daddy?" Kalia asked, scrunching up her little nose in confusion. It was adorable.
But where Kalia was confused, Sarah was suspicious. "Yeah, why, Holder?" She narrowed her eyes at him.
"Cause I want a picture of my girls, that's why. Get goin'," he demanded.
With another futile protest that she made mostly just for the sake of protesting, Sarah let Kalia take her hand and drag her back up the hill. Holder got his picture, and then she got to return the favor, pointing out that if she had to be in one, so did he.
And then before she knew it, their two hours were up and they were returning the tubes and dragging a very tired little girl back towards her car. "Bonus to walking up all those times," Holder chuckled, "she'll sleep like the dead tonight." He waggled his eyebrows at her. She wanted to scowl at him on principle, but her lips curved into a smile instead. She just hoped that they weren't too tired for Holder to keep the salacious promise that was lighting up his eyes.
She'd gone to bed by the time she remembered the pictures on Holder's phone. She was sitting propped up against the headboard in one of Holder's t-shirts, waiting for him to finish locking down the apartment - a task he performed almost obsessively every night. Then she knew he'd check in on Kalia, who'd passed out some twenty minutes before. His phone beeped and the screen lit up, catching her eye. He'd set his new picture as his lock screen. Curious, she reached over to grab his phone, unlocked it, then settled back to scroll through the pictures.
"Find anything interesting?" Holder asked from the doorway. She looked up quickly and was relieved to see that he was amused. She always had access to his phone but had never just taken it to go through.
"This doesn't even look like me," she commented, her attention going back to the picture on her screen. Her and Kalia. She narrowed her eyes at it. She didn't recognize the woman in the picture at all.
Holder slid onto the bed beside her and leaned over to peer at the picture. "Sure it does," he said easily. "That's what you look like, when you're happy."
She glanced up at him sharply and the look on his face as he gazed down at the picture on his phone made her chest so tight her breath caught. She couldn't even put his expression into words.
"Holder," she whispered when she could get her voice to work again.
He scanned her face and offered her a smile full of tenderness. "I hope," he started, trailing a finger down her cheek, "that someday soon you'll recognize yourself without the weight of the world on your shoulders." Gently, he took his phone from her and set it back on the nightstand before settling back beside her and draping an arm over her shoulders.
"Holder," she said again after a few minutes of easy silence.
"Hmm?"
"Aren't you forgetting something?"
"Don't think so," he replied a minute later after his finger tapped against her other arm a few times, as if he was mentally ticking off his bedtime routine. She shot him a look, caught his eye, and pointed up. She hadn't parked herself strategically under his stupid mistletoe for nothing, after all.
He followed her finger and his face lit up with amusement. "Oh, so now you're playin' along," he said knowingly, then slowly moved in, almost kissing her but not quite, teasing. Exasperating man was doing it on purpose, she decided. Unwilling to wait, she reached for the waistband of his boxers and tugged. When he started to shift over top of her she helped him along, wrapping her legs around his waist and arching up against him at the same time as she reached up to pull his head down so she could kiss him. He reached out to turn out the lamp with one hand, and the other found its way under her shirt. The mistletoe could stay, she thought as his hands worked magic on her body, making her gasp and arch against him. And then she couldn't think at all.