Chapter 3: Hobbits and Sofa Beds
Disclaimer: I still don't own Lord of the Rings. Or the characters in Lord of the Rings. Or Middle Earth. Or the One Ring (yet! MWAHAHAHAHA!).
I managed to stop them from killing each other until the front door open and I heard my sister come in, saying, "I swear, Cat, if this is a joke I will personally rip off your ears and- Oh my god it's Boromir! And Aragorn! And Legolas! And Gandalf! And the HOBBITS! THEY"RE SO CUTE!" And so on and so forth, until I mouthed 'rabid fangirl' at her. Then she stopped and stared at Boromir for a while.
"Ahem… everyone, this is my twin sister, Erin. Erin, stop staring at Boromir. I think you're freaking him out." Erin kept staring. I waved a hand in front of her face. She screamed, and that's when I realized it was the hand holding Gimli's axe. Oops. "Why do you have an axe?"
"It's Gimli's…" Erin glanced over at the dwarf, who was arguing with Legolas (again).
Boromir poked Aragorn, who glared at him then asked, "Where is the lord of the house? We would speak to him and arrange accommodation for the night, if we can." Awkward. Erin and I glanced at each other, wondering how best to explain things. "There is no lord of the house," I said finally, "but I'm sure we can find you all somewhere to sleep."
Then Gandalf spoke up. "You are twins? You look nothing alike." This was true. I have straight dark hair and grey eyes; Erin had wavy hair and green eyes.
Erin's left eye started to twitch slightly, which meant we had approximately 5 minutes before she had a nervous breakdown, so I grabbed her arm and propelled her into the hall. "Sisterly discussion," I called over my shoulder. "No eavesdropping!" I gave them all my best Evil Death Glare (which is actually based on Elrond's eyebrow thing) and left the living room.
"Okay, what on earth happened while I was gone?" Erin demanded as soon as I'd closed the door. I recounted everything that happened, finishing with, "And then I called you, and you said- "
"I know what happened when you called me. I WAS THERE! But what do we do now?"
"We'll have to let them stay here tonight. But we should take their weapons."
"We don't have nine spare beds, though."
"Eight."
"What?"
"Elves don't sleep, do they?"
"I don't know. Let's ask." Before I could stop her, Erin poked her head round the door and yelled, "Hey, Leggy, do elves sleep?" The elf looked slightly startled, and answered, "We do not sleep as you mortals would call it, but –"
"'Kay, whatever. No bed for you."
"Erin! Be nice!" I dragged her back into the hall. "We could put the hobbits in the attic, on the sofa bed…"
After about 15 minutes of quiet arguing, Erin and I had worked out the sleeping arrangements. We would share Erin's room, the hobbits would be up in the attic, Boromir would be allowed to sleep in the sanctum sanctorum of my room because he seemed to be the least insane and/or destructive of the group, Gandalf would get mum's room and Aragorn and Gimli could fight it out over the real bed and camp bed in the spare room.
"OK, everyone, you can all stay here tonight, but first – give me your weapons." This raised a chorus of complaints, except from Gandalf. "If they are to give us shelter, then we should respect their wishes." He gave me his staff, but I handed it back. "I wouldn't part an old man from his walking stick," I couldn't resist saying. "But everyone else, give me your sharp pointy things." They all handed over assorted swords, knives, and a bow. "Erin, why don't you give them a tour of the house while I hide the weapons and set up the sofa bed?"
"Aww, but I wanted to hold Boromir's sword!"
"Fine." I handed her the sword, let her hold it for a few minutes, then held out my hand for it. "C'mon, Erin. Give it back."
"NO! It is my own… my love… my preciousss." Craziness runs in the family. I sighed and hit her over the head. "Snap out of it." She reluctantly gave me the sword back, and I headed up the stairs with the weapons.
I put them in my closet under a hideous coat and locked the door. Then I grabbed some clothes, my hairbrush etc. as well as anything potentially dangerous/embarrassing from my room, and dumped it all in Erin's room.
The attic sofa bed proved to be harder to set up than I had expected, and while I was wrestling with it, I heard Erin and the Fellowship climbing the stairs, and the voice of Erin the Tour Guide. "…This is a bathtub," she was saying. "It works like a sink, but – no, Pippin, don't!" I heard splashing and maniacal laughter. "You FOOL of a Took! OW! What was that for?"
"You stole my line!" That was Gandalf.
I met them in the hallway. Everyone was dripping wet and glaring at Pippin, except for Erin, who was dripping wet and holding her head, and trying to glare at Pippin and Gandalf at the same time. "I think everyone should go to bed now," she said. Trans-dimensional travel seemed to have tired everyone out, so there was minimal complaining.
Once everyone had been shepherded to their rooms, (except for Legolas, who was standing randomly in a weird Elvish sleep-trance thingy), Erin said, "I think we should sleep in shifts, to make sure nothing…happens."
"Good idea."
"OK. I'll take first watch." I smiled at her and then collapsed on the bed, realizing it was almost midnight. I fell asleep almost instantly.