Hey everyone! Here it is! Part 3! I hope you guys enjoy it and thank you so much for the awesome reviews! They really made my day and helped me to finish this! (Who knows how long it would have taken? :P If you know me, then you know my updating schedule is extremely erratic :D) Anyway, read on! (I just edited the last scene a little bit. It felt like there was something missing.) :)
Zero opened the front door to the Kurenai's house and stepped in. Mrs. Kurenai waved to him from the dining room. "You're mighty early Zero. We thought you'd be there for at least another hour. What happened?"
"It was a fiasco," he replied. "Kaname and his mother ended up arguing at the table and we all decided to end the night early." Mr. and Mrs. Kurenai laughed at the unexpected story and motioned for him to join them, but he shook his head.
"Did you eat Zero?" Mrs. Kurenai asked. Zero nodded, waved them goodnight, and went up to his room. He pulled the covers over his head and stared at the inside of his blanket. He couldn't understand why he was so upset. Didn't Kaname tell him that he was getting married? It wasn't his fault. The real shock was that the wedding was next Saturday. It was all too surreal. In the back of his mind Zero had been running on the assumption that the wedding was in a few months or maybe years. He thought that he and Kaname would remain suspended in this state of secret meetings and affection. He had never considered that their time together would end, and so soon at that. Zero had honestly thought that everything would remain the same for as long as he wanted it to. To find out that it wasn't true turned Zero's entire perspective upside down. Kaname wasn't going to be his anymore.
Zero removed the blanket from his head and exposed himself to the cool air in his room. He played with the ring on his finger and stared up at the ceiling. This ring was the proof of Kaname's love. That he gave it to him meant that Kaname loved Zero more than this girl he was marrying. But what did that mean? Kaname was getting married in a week. Did the ring or Kaname's love have any meaning? Did their relationship have any meaning? Did Kaname care for him, or was this just a passing fancy that Zero should forget as well?
Zero frowned and looked at his ring again. Even if Kaname never did, Zero loved him. Kaname was the only one he had ever felt this way with. Girls in his hometown had taken interest in him. There had been clandestine kisses that both parties denied, but knew happened, flirting, and teasing, everything that boys his age seemed to do, but that was just it. It was all things that normal boys his age did. It never meant anything more to Zero. There hadn't been a special girl to wait for after school or to approach her parents about. There hadn't been a girl that occupied his thoughts all day. Kaname had been the first one for whom Zero's heart beat faster. Kaname was the person he thought about all the time and the only person he wanted to see.
Kaname didn't know, but before he had met him, Zero was as close to an anti-social zombie as one could get. He talked as much was needed and never more. He was apathetic and didn't have likes or dislikes, just indifference. Things like personal preference had been buried under the memories of his family. He saw them every waking moment. He had tried to appear normal, but only to make people leave him alone.
Kaname had changed that. It was his earnestness and eager awkwardness in those first meetings that endeared him so quickly to Zero. He seemed to know when to keep his distance and where Zero's limits were. Kaname had found him; he had found his music. Zero put all of his passion and emotion into his music; he could never lie with it, which was why he kept it hidden. But Kaname had demanded to see that side of him and then reveled in it. Unknowingly, Kaname had found the innermost part of Zero and embraced it.
Meeting Kaname had started to bring out the person Zero used to be. Kaname's bright, cheery, and genuine personality reminded Zero that there were still things to live for and that there was still hope, even in his dreary corner of the world. Kaname's gentleness, patience, and love helped him remember without pain. Zero had finally started picking up the pieces of himself: endurance, strength, perseverance, and hope. Kaname's love finally helped Zero see that there were still people that he loved and who loved him too. He didn't know if he could bear it if Kaname wasn't with him anymore. Zero held his left hand to his chest, scared what he would turn into if he lost Kaname.
…
A hand brushed the hair off Zero's forehead and gently pressed its palm down. "Ka—Kaname?" Zero mumbled sleepily. He moved his arm off his face and opened his eyes. Instead of twinkling brown eyes, a pair of silver-grey eyes looked down at him. "Maria," he said. "Good morning."
Maria hesitantly put her hand back at her side. "I was just checking if you were alright. Mama tried to wake you this morning, but you slept right through all her efforts." Zero rubbed his eyes and raised himself on his elbows.
"What time is it?" he asked.
"1:15."
"Maria?" Zero asked suddenly, looking at the young girl standing hesitantly next to his bed. "How are you?"
She looked down at him warily. "I'm well," she said carefully. "How are you? You seemed ill last night. You probably still are, aren't you?" She was still looking at him suspiciously.
"I'm feeling better," Zero said. After a moment of awkward silence, he spoke again. "How is everything going with…you know…the wedding?"
Maria looked extremely surprised. She seemed to collect herself before saying: "Everything is running smoothly, I suppose, if mama would let us actually decide something concretely." Zero smiled at the typical behavior of Mrs. Kurenai. Maria peered closer at him.
"Are you—did you hurt yourself?" she asked. Zero raised his eyebrows at her and she shook her head. "I'll see you downstairs Zero. Mama is waiting." Zero swung his feet off of his bed and stretched. After getting dressed, he followed Maria down the stairs ten minutes later. Mrs. Kurenai greeted him in the kitchen and ushered him to the table for breakfast, even though it was about 1:30 in the afternoon.
"How are you honey?" she asked. "Mrs. Kuran asked me about you this morning. She seems to have taken to you. She even told me she'd gladly replace Kaname with you." Mrs. Kurenai laughed and slipped some eggs onto his plate.
Zero laughed halfheartedly and began eating. He didn't answer Mrs. Kurenai's question about his wellbeing, but she didn't seem to mind. It was a usual occurrence after all. Maria leaned through the doorway of the kitchen and spoke to her mother.
"Mama, Papa and I are going to go out now. We should be back before dinner time." Mrs. Kurenai nodded and turned back to the stove. Maria's eyes landed briefly on Zero for a moment, but she didn't acknowledge him. She withdrew from the doorway and turned to join her father in the hallway.
"Wait!" Zero called with sudden inspiration. He shoveled the last bits of his breakfast into his mouth and stood up. Maria appeared around the doorway again. She rested her hand on the wall beside her and looked at Zero impatiently. "If you don't mind, would you like me to accompany you?" he asked. Maria's expression turned to disbelief. She exchanged looks with her mother, but her mother was just as shocked as she was. The kitchen remained silent. Zero shifted uncomfortably. "What? Is there something wrong?" His question snapped Maria and Mrs. Kurenai out of their frozen states. Mrs. Kurenai began smiling and Maria nodded once.
"I'll go tell Papa that you're coming instead." After Maria left, Zero carried his plate over to the sink. Mrs. Kurenai was still looking at him with surprise, but it seemed to be pleasant surprise. She hugged Zero around his middle and let him go gently. "Stay out as long as you'd like," she said and smiled. Zero felt himself flush and backed out of the kitchen without saying anything else.
"I still think he's really sick," Maria was saying as Zero walked up to them. Mr. Kurenai gave her a stern look and Maria ignored him. "It's evident Papa. Look at him; he's a freak of nature." Maria said the last comment directly to Zero, who didn't take offense, but just rolled his eyes at her. He had heard too many comments of the same persuasion for years from Maria to be bothered anymore.
"I see you still don't see yourself clearly," he countered. This earned him a smile from Mr. Kurenai.
"If you're done being rude, we should go," Maria said imperiously. "There are many places we have to visit before the afternoon is over." She led the way through the hall and to the front door. Zero paused to grab his hat from the hat-stand before holding his arm out for Maria. For the most part, they walked in silence until they reached town.
"Where do you want to go first?" Zero asked as the first buildings came into sight. Maria thought for a moment and looked like she was running through a mental list.
"I'm not sure," she said. "There is a new book waiting for me that I absolutely have to read, but then I also need new dresses. I don't know how long that will take and there are also a few stores that I want to look at." Zero nodded along to what she was saying and looked at his surroundings. It was a bright and sunny afternoon. The trees moved gently in the wind and covered their path with their shade. Occasionally, a person would pass by them and wave, but other than that, the roads and stores looked sparsely populated.
"The bookstore," Maria decided. "I can't wait any longer and I know Mr. Kuran will have it set aside for me."
Zero looked at Maria in surprise. "Mr. Kuran?" he asked.
"Is the owner of the bookstore. He's a very nice man, but I suppose you know that already, after dining at his house and all. Papa and I have been going to his bookstore since I was little. He always specially orders my favorite books for me." Zero nodded his head, but a sick feeling manifested itself in his stomach. He clutched his stomach with his free hand. Dread and elation weren't a good mix.
"Is there anything you'd like me to do while you're buying your book? You said you didn't have that much time," Zero asked, hoping Maria would accept his offer.
Maria shook her head. "It's alright," she said. "We can go together." Zero nodded again and cursed his luck as they neared Mr. Kuran's store. Desperately, Zero reminded himself that Kaname only worked in his father's store occasionally. Zero crossed his fingers and prayed that Kaname wouldn't be there. He wasn't sure if he could face Kaname yet. His feelings were still a mess.
He opened the front door to the Kuran's bookstore and held it open for Maria. She thanked him and immediately walked to the back of the store where there was a dimly lit area separated by wooden railings. A was sign posted on a pillar in front of the small entrance that said 'Employees Only'. Zero quickly caught up with her, all the while looking around for a glimpse of a familiar figure. "Maria," Zero said, "I don't think we can go in here." Maria shook her head and waved his doubt away.
"Mr. Kuran doesn't mind. I almost live back here." Maria walked into the spacious area. It was filled with shelves of books and many large boxes. Some were open and Zero could see the glossy covers of new books that were waiting to be stacked. Many books were strewn on the floor in a circle. In the middle of this mess, a dark haired man sat on the floor, marking each book with a fountain pen. After he finished, he twisted slightly and placed the books on a steadily growing pile behind him. Zero's heart leapt into his throat and almost choked him, but he realized there were streaks of gray in the man's hair and the hand holding the pen was more heavyset and wrinkled.
"Mr. Kuran," Maria said. "Good Afternoon. How are you?" Mr. Kuran held up one finger and finished writing in the inside of the book cover before looking up.
"Maria," he said affectionately. "I'm well. How are you child?"
"Fine Mr. Kuran. Do you have—?"
"Your book? Yes," he said smiling. He started pointing to a desk a few feet from him, but his eyes fell on Zero. "Zero," he said, mildly surprised. "How are you?"
"Fine, thank you. And you?" Zero asked politely. He held his hands behind his back and clenched and unclenched them. Mr. Kuran answered and slowly stood up, wiping his ink stained hands on his pants. He walked back to the small desk and picked up a brown paper package. He briefly examined the small tag before handing it to Maria. She hugged it to her chest and gave him a wide smile.
"Thank you so much!" Her hands moved to untie the strings holding the package together, but Mr. Kuran stopped her.
"I would wait until you're home, young miss." Maria sighed, but handed it to Zero, who took it obediently.
"What brings you here, Zero?" Mr. Kuran asked. He looked at Zero and then Maria curiously. Zero looked at him, surprised, but answered hastily.
"Maria is my fiancée and I'm just accompanying her today." Zero cringed with embarrassment; his answer couldn't have been anymore awkward, but Mr. Kuran's look had made him feel guilty. Mr. Kuran's eyebrows went up and he turned to look accusingly at Maria.
"You're getting married and you didn't even have the presence of mind to tell me?" Mr. Kuran looked hurt, but Maria smiled. "We haven't begun to invite people yet Mr. Kuran, though I will most definitely invite you myself in person." They continued talking and Zero tuned them out. His eyes were still roaming the room, looking in dark corners and down other isles for Kaname. Zero kept expecting Kaname to materialize and join their conversation. Zero twisted his hands nervously. He didn't know whether Kaname would suddenly appear or not and wanted to leave the store as soon as possible. Zero was still upset about yesterday and didn't know how to handle the situation if Kaname appeared. Zero waited until Maria paused and interjected his question.
"Mr. Kuran, is Kaname here?"
Mr. Kuran looked at Zero and shook his head. "I'm not sure where that boy is. He left around noon in a frenzy and hasn't been back since." Zero stood with his hands behind his back and tried to nod nonchalantly. "I think he said something about taking a walk," Mr. Kuran said. He pursed his lips and looked disgruntled. "He's becoming extremely irresponsible. I need to speak with him later." Zero felt another wave of guilt sweep through him for two reasons: the first being that it was obvious to him where Kaname was and the second being that it was his fault that Kaname was in his harried state and in this precarious position with his parents. "I can tell him you were looking for him Zero."
Zero looked at Mr. Kuran, alarmed. "No, no, it's alright. I'll talk to him later. Please don't tell him Mr. Kuran, it's fine." Mr. Kuran looked at Zero a little oddly, but he nodded. Zero pulled lightly at Maria's elbow with the desire to leave immediately. Fortunately, she acquiesced and said goodbye to Mr. Kuran. Zero nodded at him and they both walked back into the street. After the bookstore, Zero followed Maria into about a dozen dress and hat stores. After exhausting every possible clothing venue, the two finally walked home. Zero dragged his feet and the bags full of Maria's clothes, while Maria bounced along, full of anticipation to share her purchases with Mrs. Kurenai.
Zero collapsed on the couch in the living room and watched Maria show her new dresses to Mr. and Mrs. Kurenai. They oohed and ahhed at the right places, but Zero could tell Mr. Kurenai didn't share Mrs. Kurenai's enthusiasm. He settled on the couch next to Zero and mumbled about how all his hard earned money was going down the drain between his wife and his daughter. Zero smiled tiredly and pushed his bangs out of his eyes. Mr. Kurenai put his hand on Zero's shoulder.
"I wanted to thank you Zero," he said, "for today. Maria is really happy, even though she would never tell you." He looked at Zero with a certain kind of pride in his eyes. "I'm glad you're rising above this. I finally feel as if I'm fulfilling your parents' wishes." Zero looked at Mr. Kurenai with wide eyes and he knew Mr. Kurenai could see the sadness that appeared in them when his parents had been mentioned. Mr. Kurenai put his arm around Zero and pulled him closer so he could press his lips to his head. "We love you Zero," he said into his hair quietly.
Zero nodded and looked at his hands resting in his lap. He clutched the edges of the couch and bit his lip. A familiar feeling of guilt and shame rose up in him. He sat with Mr. Kurenai's arm around his shoulders until Mrs. Kurenai announced that it was bedtime. As Zero climbed the stairs to his room, he could hear Mrs. Kurenai whispering to Mr. Kurenai about him in the living room.
"It's good to see him like this. I'm not sure what happened, but I'm glad it did."
Zero sighed and climbed the rest of the stairs. He lay in bed and tried to push Mr. and Mrs. Kurenai's words out of his head. Earlier he had felt betrayed by Kaname, but after hearing their words, Zero wondered if it was he who was really betraying everyone.
…
The next day was the beginning of another work week. For Zero, the morning passed by slowly. He talked to Josh about Hazel and her family. He listened to Mr. Hempstead tell stories about his daughter and her children. He helped customers sort out their banking issues. It was a lethargic, but normal day, until the source of his confusion and happiness walked through the door.
Kaname's tired eyes found him immediately. Zero froze and he dropped the pen he was holding. As Kaname walked directly to him, the small voice in his head that had been whispering Kaname's name over and over again all day became louder and louder until it was screaming at him.
Zero felt the urge to turn and run into the employee kitchen, but he knew it was futile. Running away would not make his dilemma go away. Zero took a deep breath and looked Kaname level in the eyes. Kaname's expression was beseeching. Zero could almost hear the exact words Kaname wanted to say inside his head. Zero shook his head slightly and Kaname's eyes widened. He looked panicked and lengthened his stride until he was at the counter. Walking alongside him was another person: a small brown haired girl with large, doe-like eyes. Zero quickly noted the ring on her hand that was clutching Kaname's arm. It was Kaname's fiancée, Yuki.
Kaname spread his hands out on the counter and leaned in towards Zero, but Zero's eyes were still fixed on Yuki. "Zero," he heard Kaname say in a low voice. "Please. Let me talk to you." There was desperation in his voice. Zero's eyebrows furrowed and he looked away from Yuki. He felt trapped again. He didn't know how to explain all the feelings that had been trapped inside his chest for the past two days and this certainly wasn't the place to do it.
Zero shook his head. "No, Kaname. I can't."
"Zero!" Kaname said furiously, but in a whisper. He looked distractedly down at Yuki, who had been gently tugging his arm, and tried to pull away. "Zero, you have to hear me out. I'm sorry! I didn't mean for it to turn out that way." Kaname gazed at Zero with alarmed and serious eyes, but it only sparked Zero's temper. He hissed, "How else was that supposed to turn out? Why weren't you honest? Did you think—?" Zero broke off. His eyes darted toward the other customers in line and at Josh's face not three feet from him. "I'm not going to discuss thi—"
"Zero, you don't under—What Yuki?" Kaname suddenly stopped and looked at the girl clutching his arm with burning eyes. "I'm talking to someone. I would appreciate it if you realized that," he said viciously. Yuki's face crumpled instantly and she looked as if Kaname had just slapped her. Kaname froze, surprised by his own outburst and glanced at Zero involuntarily.
Zero's expression had turned stony. "You shouldn't talk to your fiancée like that Kaname," he said in a flat voice. Zero could feel anger blossom inside his stomach, but it was mostly at himself. "It's not right." He turned to Yuki. "I apologize Miss, on his behalf. No one has the right to speak to you in that manner." Zero looked at Kaname steadily, but Kaname looked away and at the ground, embarrassed and gently steered Yuki out of the bank. Zero could see Kaname trying to apologize to Yuki in the street from the window.
He stared the door for a few moments longer and sat down heavily in his chair. He felt shame fill him again and because of that became angry. An unpleasant realization was dawning on him that he didn't want to acknowledge. He grabbed the papers he was supposed to be organizing and began viciously rifling through them in an effort to distract himself, but it wasn't enough. He set the papers down with a sigh and pushed them away. He glanced to his right and saw Josh looking at him with surprise.
"May I—?"
"No," Zero said immediately. Josh looked undeterred so Zero said, "I'd rather not talk about it." Josh shrugged and turned back to his own papers and began working again. Zero buried his face in his hands and breathed in and out in slow, measured breaths. All he could see was Yuki's shocked and hurt expression. It was his fault it was there. He was the one who had put it on her face. Kaname wasn't like that. That wasn't the real Kaname. He knew that Kaname would never have spoken to Yuki like that, but he had, because of him, because of Zero. Zero had caused it, it was his fault.
This wasn't right, thought Zero. Yuki and Kaname's relationship was deteriorating because of him. They were getting married in one week and now were fighting. Zero had put a distance between them that shouldn't exist. It wasn't right. He shouldn't be involved. Kaname was fighting with his family, with Yuki, because of Zero. Zero was just leaving destruction wherever he touched Kaname's life. Kaname should be happy, Zero thought. Zero wasn't making him happy, he was ruining his life. He couldn't justify his happiness when Kaname was unhappy. He couldn't justify destroying Yuki's married life for his own benefit. Who was he? He was someone who had walked into Kaname's life a few weeks ago. Kaname and Yuki had made promises to each other over a year ago. Zero's presence had obliterated them all. Yuki didn't deserve only half of Kaname, she should have all of him. It wasn't right, Zero decided. He and Kaname couldn't continue their relationship. Zero would have to let him go.
…
Zero woke up the next morning, his cheeks taut from the tears that had dried there last night. He pushed his hands through his hair and sat upright in his bed. He sniffed and kept his face in his hands until he had no choice but to get up and get dressed. As Zero was buttoning up his shirt, he closed his left hand into a fist and looked at the silver ring he hadn't taken off, not once, in three days. He quickly raised it to his lips and finished getting ready. Today was the day, he thought to himself. It was the day he would tell Kaname that they couldn't—they couldn't see each other anymore.
Zero walked out of the bank apprehensively. He knew where he had to go, but was dreading it. Zero clutched his ring for support and tried not to think about how he would start the conversation. Zero wound through the trees on the familiar path he had walked all year. The trees that had previously hidden them were almost bare. The sun reached the uneven ground and illuminated Zero's path. He reached the outskirts of the clearing and hesitated. He didn't know if he wanted to walk through those trees. If he did, it meant he was going to destroy the only happiness he knew in his life. If he didn't, he would destroy the happiness and future of the person he loved most. Zero took a deep breath and pushed through the branches of the dying sakura blossoms into the clearing. Almost immediately, a pair of strong arms encircled him. Kaname crushed Zero to his chest.
"Zero!" Kaname cried, stroking Zero's hair. Zero feebly tried to push him away, but his heart wasn't in it. Kaname's hold loosened slightly, and before Zero could even say his name, Kaname began kissing him. Zero wavered for moment, wondering whether he should respond or push him away, but Kaname's warmth and the sensation of being near him overpowered his will and he began kissing Kaname back desperately. Kaname tried to pull Zero even closer, but he stumbled and they both ended up falling backwards into the bed of fallen sakura petals.
Kaname raised himself off of Zero and pulled Zero up with him. He encircled Zero in his arms again and kissed his hair. "Zero, believe me," he whispered in his ear. "I love you, more than anyone else. I wasn't trying to hurt you. I just wanted to spend more time with you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Zero buried his face in Kaname's chest. He tried to explain how it wasn't that, how it was his wedding, how Zero didn't want to hurt him, how he didn't feel right, how they couldn't be together anymore, but none of the words got past his throat. Zero looked up into Kaname's face. Kaname was looking at Zero with so much love that Zero flinched and looked away. He didn't want to know how Kaname would look at him if he told him what he had to say. But that was it, Zero had to say it.
"Kaname," Zero began. Kaname lit up at the sound of his name coming from Zero's lips. Zero paused and looked into his deep brown eyes. "I love you." And knowing he was making a mistake, Zero grabbed Kaname's chin and pulled him down to meet his lips. He felt Kaname's lips shape the words "I love you too" against his and clutched Kaname closer to him, trying to forget the terrible thing he didn't do.
…
Zero stumbled into work the next morning, unable to walk in a straight line. He had spent the entire night tossing and turning, unable to reconcile himself with his imprudent actions yesterday. Kaname had walked out of the clearing happier than ever, and Zero, even if it was traitorous to his intentions, had been happy too. It was too painful to let go, Zero thought. It was too painful to think that he wouldn't be able to hold Kaname in his arms anymore, that he wouldn't be able to see him anymore, that he would soon be Yuki's. Bitter resentment filled Zero's mouth at the thought of Yuki, even if it wasn't her fault. To add to his hurt, he hadn't been able to tell Kaname, which meant he was only prolonging the inevitable.
Zero slumped onto his chair and pulled the account books toward him. They looked like a black and white mess to him. He blinked a few times, but the numbers still appeared blurry. Zero threw down his pen in frustration and rubbed his eyes with his hands.
"Did you love that person?" a voice asked. Zero jumped and turned around. Josh stood behind him with two mugs of coffee in his hands. He put one next to Zero's arm and pulled his chair toward him. "Did you love them?" he asked again, looking at Zero with a serious expression in his light blue eyes. Zero, for a reason he couldn't place, nodded without a second thought. "Ah," was all Josh said. He took a sip of his coffee and kept looking at Zero with a curious expression. "She was very pretty. Her fiancée seemed like an ass, though. I can see why you were so mad." Zero looked at him in confusion, but it clicked a moment later. Josh thought he was in love with Yuki.
"He's not like that," Zero said tiredly. "He's a good person." Josh looked dubious, but didn't question him. "It was my fault he was like that," Zero continued in a small voice.
Josh raised his eyebrows. "Did he find out you love her?"
"No," Zero said, "He doesn't know. But if sh—he found out, it would be catastrophic. Their wedding is this weekend."
Josh almost choked on his coffee. He gave Zero a thunderstruck look. "Why haven't you told her you love her? Sweep her off her feet! Elope man!"
Zero laughed half-heartedly. "She knows." Josh spread his hands wide and gave Zero a look that said then why haven't you yet? Zero sighed and looked at the floor, trying to place it in terms Josh would understand. "Imagine Hazel was marrying someone else and even though she loved you too, you couldn't be with her because you knew you weren't the best thing for her. Imagine that if you did marry her anyway, you would be ruining her entire life." Zero looked up at Josh to find him looking stunned. He met Zero's gaze and his entire face turned serious.
"Maria?" he asked.
Zero shook his head. "She doesn't know." He didn't need to say anything else for Josh to understand what he was trying to say. That he didn't love her like he was supposed to but was still marrying her because he couldn't bear to ruin her life by leaving her either. Josh looked troubled and conflicted. He reached for Zero's shoulder and squeezed it.
"You're doing the right thing, you know," he said reassuringly. He seemed to run out of words, but patted Zero's shoulder. "Zero, I don't think I would ever love Hazel enough to let her go. If you ever need anything…" Josh trailed off and looked at Zero. Zero nodded and turned back to his section of the counter to return to his work. He felt slightly better after telling Josh about his situation, even though he couldn't tell him how it really was. It felt good to be vindicated; that Josh agreed with his decision. It made Zero feel a little surer about what he had to do. He glanced up at the clock. It was almost break time, but Zero knew he could not go to the clearing with good conscience today. If he did, he knew he wouldn't be able to do it. Zero put his face in his hands. He could almost see how Kaname's eager face would turn to disappointment when he didn't come.
…
Zero shut the door to his room later that night, feeling guilty that he hadn't had the courage to see Kaname. He lay on his bed fully dressed and looked up at the dimly lit ceiling. With the shadows that arched across it, it looked like a negative space painting. He thought about, what else, Kaname. Zero spun out elaborate fantasies in his mind: things that would never work, but still eased the dull ache that was starting in his chest. In the past few hours, he had thought of dozens of different things he could have done to keep Kaname with him. Mainly, they involved moving beyond the reach of this town, changing their names, and swearing to live as bachelors for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, these imaginings always ended with someone finding out and…Zero had seen what people had done to a couple such as himself and Kaname in the city before… It wasn't an ending he wished upon himself or Kaname. If only Kaname wasn't getting married, he thought. Zero didn't mind at all that he was throwing his own marriage on the train tracks (it was something he could deal with), but Zero couldn't let Kaname's fall apart before it even started.
No matter how Zero imagined it or how he twisted and turned their situation, it only came to one conclusion. Zero let out a deep and long sigh that seemed to empty his body. It had to be tomorrow. If he waited any longer, it would be Friday, then their wedding day, then the day after, and who's to say Zero's will would hold then? He wrapped his arms around himself and reminded himself why he was doing this. It was for Yuki's future, for Maria's future, and for Kaname's future.
Zero turned to the side and felt a tear roll across the bridge of his nose and into his hair. It tickled slightly as it left a wet line on his face. He breathed in and held himself tighter. There was a sharp pain in his chest and his breathing came out in increasingly labored gasps. He screwed his eyes shut, but it didn't stop the wetness from leaking out from underneath them. While biting his lips so he wouldn't cry out, Zero sat up and slowly pushed himself off his bed. He had to see him, now.
Zero slowly crept down the stairs. He stepped as lightly as he could on the hardwood floor and tried to avoid the creaky spots. The floor groaned under him anyway, but Zero hoped the Kurenai's were deep enough in sleep to stay asleep. He turned the doorknob as carefully as he could and gently shut the door behind him after making sure it was unlocked. Once outside, Zero stayed in the shadows of the houses and trees, making sure he was not illuminated by the full moon's light. The town was aglow with silvery light and though he tried, the moon's light reflected off his hair and made it shine like a lustrous pearl. After a few minutes of creeping along at a glacial pace, Zero threw caution to the wind and began to run down the streets towards Kaname's house.
He arrived ten minutes later, sweaty and out of breath. He paused in front of the Kuran's house and looked up at the many windows. After a bewildered moment, he realized he didn't know which window was Kaname's. Zero put his hands on his knees and doubled over, breathing and thinking hard. An image of Kaname airily waving the direction of his bedroom to him on the day of the visit came to him. He had pointed up the stairs and towards the back of the house. Zero grabbed this piece of information as if it were a life jacket and ran around the house into the backyard. To his dismay, there were just as many windows on the back of the house as the front, but it was built so he could clearly see where the rooms were divided from the outside.
Zero searched the ground for a small pebble to throw at one of the windows and hope he'd get lucky, but he spotted something even better: an old wooden ladder lying in the grass near the back door. Zero picked it up and gently set it upright against the side of the house underneath a window. Zero then moved back until he could see the windows clearly. They were solid rectangles of black with indistinct gray shapes that the moonlight lit. Perfect, he thought, the curtains weren't drawn.
Zero tapped his bottom lip for a moment in thought. Mrs. Kuran had said there was a guest bedroom, which meant if Mr. and Mrs. Kuran's bedroom was towards the front, one side would show him an empty room and the other side would be Kaname's room. Zero's flicked from one side of the groupings of windows to the other. He finally shrugged and decided to look in the window that the ladder was closest to, having no other way to know for sure. Zero stepped on the first rung of the ladder and experimentally put half of his weight on it to make sure it didn't suddenly break under the strain. It sank slightly into the soft ground, but seemed fairly sturdy, so Zero quickly dismissed his fears and began climbing. Once he was shoulder level with the window, he looked in.
It was a mostly empty bedroom. There was a desk directly under the window he was looking in, a closet door half open to his right, and in the far left side of the room, a single twin bed. On it was a person in the bed, tangled in a blanket. Zero could see the occupant of the bed breathing slowly. The blanket fell and rose with him. Zero grinned and began tapping the glass. The occupant of the bed stirred once, but didn't wake up. Zero tapped again even harder. This time Kaname rolled over and opened his eyes curiously. He immediately sat up. The blood drained out of his face and he looked terrified. His hands clutched the edge of his blanket, but relaxed when it registered in his sleepy mind that it was only Zero. Kaname threw his blanket off of him and hurried over to the window.
"What are you doing here?" he whispered to Zero, pushing the window open halfway. Zero smiled at him, but didn't answer. Instead, he tried to climb through the small space Kaname had opened for him. "Ask me later," he said, struggling to open the window further with one hand. "Let me in first."
"Oh!" Kaname said with surprise. He quickly pushed the window open as far as he could and grabbed Zero's arms to pull him inside. After Zero had fallen unceremoniously on the floor, they both heard a scraping sound and a muffled thunk. Kaname raised an eyebrow at Zero while extending a hand to help him stand. Zero whispered "your ladder" in response and grasped Kaname's hand. Kaname nodded as if he already understood why Zero was climbing through his windows unannounced. He helped Zero to his feet and asked: "So…?"
Now that Zero was standing in front of Kaname, he realized how ridiculous this must seem. He glanced at Kaname and then at his shoes. "I just missed you."
Kaname laughed quietly. "You didn't miss me enough this afternoon to come and see me?"
"I had some work to do," Zero lied. "But I wanted to see you…so I came." He tried to speak as if it was no big deal.
"You walked all the way across town just to see me?" Kaname asked softly. He looked incredulous, but still pulled Zero into an embrace. Zero inhaled deeply. He put his arms around Kaname and squeezed him tightly; his fingers dug into his back. Kaname stiffened and pulled away slightly with a frown on his face.
"Is there anything wrong?" he asked, running his fingers down Zero's face slowly. Zero looked at him for a moment and tried to memorize his face and his expression, even though it was creased with worry. Zero shook his head and let go of Kaname. He walked over to the bed, took off his shoes, and slipped in between the covers.
"I'm tired," Zero said, pressing against the wall so Kaname had enough room on the small bed as well. Kaname watched him silently, but followed without any question. It was evident he was still worried. Zero ignored the queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach and tugged on Kaname's sleeve. Kaname slowly lay down next to him, but his concerned eyes never left Zero's.
Zero ignored him and pulled the covers over both their shoulders. They looked into the other's eyes: Kaname uneasy and Zero just trying to commit Kaname's face and warmth to his memory. A few moments later, Zero broke eye contact and buried his face in Kaname's neck. "I'm tired," he whispered again. "Can you hold me?" Kaname immediately tucked Zero's head more securely under his chin and wrapped his arms around him. Zero closed his eyes. He felt Kaname slowly stroking his hair and occasionally pressing his lips into his hair, but as the night wore on, it became more infrequent and Kaname's hold on Zero loosened as he relaxed and started to fall asleep.
It was that moment Zero spoke: "Kaname, you will be there tomorrow, right?" Kaname mumbled a sleepy affirmative and patted Zero's head clumsily. Zero kissed Kaname's neck and huddled closer to him. As he listened to Kaname's steady heartbeat through his arm, Zero realized the ache in his chest had finally stopped.
…
Zero didn't stay the entire night. Around four o'clock in the morning, he disentangled himself from Kaname and slowly snuck through the house and out the front door. It was still as dark as it had been when Zero had arrived, but now the moon was setting and preparing the way for the sun. Zero walked around to the back of Kaname's house and dragged the ladder back approximately to where he had found it. He looked up at Kaname's windows and was satisfied that there were no obvious marking from the ladder to give him away. He lingered under them momentarily, remembering how Kaname looked asleep.
Zero put his hands in his pockets and started walking home. The streets were still deserted. Zero knew no one was awake this early in the morning, so he walked slowly and enjoyed the early morning air. He felt much lighter. The ache in his chest had subsided to a dull throb he could bear. He no longer felt the mad urge to claw at his chest. It was Kaname, always Kaname, who could do that. For a few hours, the anxiety, fear, sadness, and anger he had been wrestling with for the past three days disappeared. As soon as Zero had stepped out of Kaname's house, however, they converged upon him and began attacking him again. Except this time, Zero thought apprehensively, he wouldn't have Kaname to kiss them away.
Zero stepped into the Kurenai's house and walked up the stairs. He closed the door to his room and climbed into his bed. He hadn't slept at all with Kaname. Instead he had watched him sleep. Zero had tried to memorize every detail about Kaname: his pale skin, his straight nose, his eyelashes, the way his hair curled slightly at the ends, the long sturdy fingers that had been clasped around Zero's, and much more. Zero hoped that even in twenty years, he would still be able to remember this image perfectly.
Zero closed his eyes and absentmindedly traced the hollows under his eyes. He had about 3 hours to sleep. Zero hadn't slept the night before and he could feel exhaustion weighing down his bones. He covered his face with his hands and sighed. He hoped when tomorrow came, everything would return to normal.
….
Zero slowly shut the door to the bank behind him. It was now officially his break time. He hadn't thought about what he'd say or how to say it. His scenarios usually ended with him rescinding all his intentions and kissing Kaname in the sunset or whatever ending his mind came up with. Zero wished he could have made fun of himself for being so cheesy, but the only thing he could feel was paralyzing dread. He could hardly move his feet. Every step he did take, he had to fight the desire to turn back and run away.
By the time he reached the outer circle of sakura trees, Zero was filled with so much trepidation, he felt like wriggling out of his skin and crawling away. He stepped through the browning sakura petals on the ground and into their clearing, which was covered in bright green grass, but surrounded by dying sakura blossoms. The trees had lost all of their delicate blossoms, but they didn't stand bare. Newly unfurled leaves pushed themselves out from where the sakura flowers used to hang. Instead of being surrounded by the white ethereal blossoms, Zero and Kaname's clearing had been plunged into the green normalcy of spring.
Under the shadow of one of the trees, Kaname sat waiting for him. He had a book in his lap, but was only absentmindedly turning the pages. He had a thoughtful expression on his face and was slowly rubbing the corner of a page between his forefinger and thumb. His dark hair fell elegantly over his forehead and reached just above his shoulders. It had the slight sheen to it, as if it had just been brushed. Zero waited in the shadows, once again trying to soak up as much of Kaname as he could. Once he couldn't postpone the moment any longer, Zero walked over to the shaded spot Kaname was sitting in.
"Hello," he said, giving the top of the book a small tug. Kaname glanced up at him with a smile.
"Hello. I'm glad you came," he said. "I don't know how long I can stay. It looks like there's going to be a storm." Kaname closed his book and looked up into the tree nervously. Zero frowned and moved out of the tree's shadow to look at the sky. He blinked in surprise. The sky was a depressing steel gray with pockets of darker color. In the distance he could hear the low rumbling of thunder. He glanced back at Kaname who still seemed worried. Zero hadn't even noticed the sky when he had woken up this morning. Lighting flashed suddenly and Zero began counting.
"One…two…three…four..." Zero kept counting until he heard clap of thunder. "Five miles," he said. "We should be fine." Kaname looked at him dubiously and Zero grinned. "I didn't know you were scared of storms."
"I'm not. These are new clothes. I wouldn't want to ruin them." Kaname carefully put his book aside and moved toward Zero. He leaned in to kiss him, but Zero pulled away, suddenly remembering the reason he was here. Kaname froze. Zero could see the beginnings of the same worry he saw on Kaname's face last night.
"What's wrong?" he asked, still leaning towards Zero on his hands and knees. Zero sat down and took one of Kaname's hands. He pressed it to his cheek and slowly ran his lips down the length of Kaname's palm. Kaname's hand tightened around Zero's cheek, his fingers pressing down into the skin of Zero's cheekbone. Zero gently removed Kaname's hand and replaced it, silently telling him that it was too much pressure. Kaname softened his touch, but was still looking at Zero with a focused expression.
Zero's stomach was doing nervous flips and making him feel queasy. It would be so easy for him to pretend nothing was wrong, but in the end it didn't erase the reality of their situation. Zero stroked Kaname's hand slowly, searching for the right words.
"I don't think we should…meet here anymore."
"Do you want to meet somewhere else?" Kaname asked. His eyes were confused, but the way his hand clenched into a fist in his lap told Zero that Kaname knew exactly what he meant, even if he didn't want to acknowledge it.
"No, I mean like this," Zero said, touching Kaname's hand on top of his cheek. Kaname yanked his hand out from under Zero's fingers and looked at him accusingly.
"What do you mean?"
"I—," Zero sighed and looked at his hands. "I don't think we should keep seeing each other Kaname." Zero let his words hang in the air between them. He resolutely stared at the ground. He didn't want to see Kaname's face as his words fell into the air. The silence stretched between them. Zero couldn't hear anything except for the wind that steadily grew stronger. He finally looked up at Kaname, eyes begging for an answer.
"I—I don't understand," Kaname said slowly. His eyes reflected the raw pain and confusion inside. "Why are you doing this?"
Zero shook his head. "I—I can't—you're getting married in two days Kaname. We can't—"
"So?" Kaname asked, suddenly aggressive. "So what if I'm getting married?" Kaname crossed his arms and tried to glare at Zero, but his eyes were shining and vulnerable. Zero sighed and moved closer to Kaname. He held both of Kaname's hands in his own.
"You would be hurting her, Kaname. Yuki loves you," Zero said softly.
"But I don't love her! I could care less! I want you!" Kaname objected. Kaname squeezed Zero's hands until they hurt, but Zero shook his head. This was the rift he had caused between Kaname and Yuki. Those words shouldn't have been spoken. Zero felt like throwing up. It was so painful.
"Yes, you do," Zero said, nodding slowly. "Enough to be faithful, enough to not ruin her life."
Kaname's eyes began to shine with tears. "No I don't," he protested weakly. He slipped his hands out of Zero's grip and brought Zero's hands to his face. "I love you. Zero, please, please, don't do this." Zero's heart twisted at the sight of Kaname's pain, but there was nothing he could do. This was the right path, even though it was ripping Zero to pieces
"It wouldn't be fair to her, to Maria, to me, or you—"Zero began, even while Kaname was shaking his head. He tried to say something more, but Kaname grabbed his face. He kissed Zero roughly, letting his fingers dig into Zero's cheeks and hair. Zero responded immediately, but more gently. He let go and lost himself in Kaname; this might be, after all, the last time he would kiss him. After a few moments, Kaname pulled away, breathless.
"We could run away," he breathed, holding Zero's face in his hands. "We could go to New York City or something. We could get jobs and…and just be together." Zero smiled sadly; that was exactly what he'd wanted to do as well. He held Kaname's face and cradled it in his hands.
"No," he said gently. "You know what they do to people like us. I don't ever want that to happen to you. I want you to be happy and safe. The only thing I've brought to your life is conflict and misery. I don't want to mess up your life anymore, okay?" Kaname tried to protest, but Zero cut him off, unable to drag it out any longer. "It's not right Kaname," he said angrily. "It's not right to go behind our wives backs to be with each other. It's sick and wrong. I don't want to ruin Maria or Yuki's life for my selfishness. I can't justify it Kaname. Can you?"
The finality of Zero's tone stopped any of Kaname's objections. Instead, he let the tears he had been holding back for the past few minutes fall from his eyes. They dripped slowly onto his hands and into the grass. He shook his head silently, as if that could make everything Zero said untrue. Zero reached toward him and Kaname closed the distance between them by throwing himself into Zero's chest. Zero caught him and held him tightly. Kaname didn't shake or sob; he only pressed his face into Zero's shirt. Zero could feel tears trailing down his face as well, but like Kaname, he stayed silent.
After a few minutes, Zero pulled away and looked at Kaname's pale face. He was still crying and his lip had begun to bleed from where he had been biting it. Zero wiped away the tears from Kaname's cheeks with his shirt cuff and gently touched the spot of blood on his bitten bottom lip once.
"Thank you," he said. "Thank you for finding me and showing me how to live again. Every song I play from now on will be for you. I hope you remember that. And, I love you. I will love you forever, I promise." Zero gathered Kaname to him again and squeezed him tightly.
Zero slowly stood up. He gazed down at the top of Kaname's dark head. There was a powerful yearning in his heart to reach out and touch him again, but Zero knew that if he did, he wouldn't leave. He gave Kaname one last look and turned away. From the corner of his eye, he saw Kaname's hand twitch up towards his sleeve as if to grab it. Zero began to walk faster and faster until he was running out of the clearing. As he dodged trees and bulging roots on the ground, he heard the sound of his own ragged sobs and the rumble of thunder overhead.