A/N: wow i actuali made it for my deadline! its a bit short I ended up cutting out a major section, cos i thought it was pointless, even though its short its supposed to be intense hopefuli it came out ok.
haven't done this for a whil but I'd like to say a special thnx to my reviewers: Sif Ivaldi, Mutty, teh 321 stars, Bleeding Hopes, renkhal, fyee, SoulAstray, Omni-Obiter, Bloodberry and MissIzzyB - you guys rock!
Friendly Warning: This is supposed to be an angsty chapter!
Why isn't it enough?
"Natsuki, What am I to you?"
She said those words after I had called out to her. She wasn't replying to me before when she was standing silently behind me.
After I had turned to look at her, those were the words I was given – delivered in a soft and disheartened tone.
My eyes were fixed on her; I could only ever recall seeing her, anything remotely, like this: once. She looked broken, like a person with no hope, as though she wanted everything to just end, to give up.
I can see the meaning behind those words, the depths of it, and that my answer won't be as simple as the question seems so deceptively to be – that it may have the power to either bring us together like never before or shatter us completely.
'There is so much at stake on this one answer. But I won't lie, not to her, because our relationship is strong enough to handle the truth, we are strong enough to handle this and come out of this in one piece - I believe it to be so.'
Yet even with my faith in our relationship, I couldn't look at her in the eyes when I answered.
With my eyes cast aside and a hand reflectively reached up to rub at the back of my neck, I gave her my reply:
"Shizuru… You're… like my best friend, like Mai… just a lot better… you know."
I couldn't look at her, I know with those words I had just crushed her, but it was better than deceiving her with false hope and eventually getting to a point where there was no return. With this, like ripping off a band-aid, we can finally put it all behind us and get on with our lives.
The room was silent, it's expected but it was starting to get unbearably uncomfortable and heavy.
"Shi-" I started, only to be interrupted.
"You know I still love you right?" She delivered yet another earth-shattering question, like before her voice was soft but it held an intense under-current of emotions. It was like she was numb to the pain that she is inflicting on herself although it's quite clear she isn't.
'Love. It's not like her to bring this topic into the open but it's obvious by now that this conversation has already entered into unchartered waters, so all I can do, now, is lay down all my cards down and give it to her straight. We'll get through this, somehow.'
"… Yeah, but like I said before, I'm flattered by your feelings and I accept them, it's just that-"
"-you can't return them. But that the problem Natsuki, I can't stay knowing that we can never be more than we are now." She was exasperated.
The beat of my heart quickened.
'I knew it, I knew she had orchestrated the whole thing and she only pretended to never have noticed our time apart. Was she really willing to end our friendship just like that? Without me even having a say? Has our friendship always been this weak? Do I mean so little to her?'
I felt stabs of pain in my chest as those questions followed one after another. My eyes narrowed as I returned my gaze to lock into the crimson ones before me.
"That's why you left, wasn't it? You pretend to not know about our time apart but in fact you were the one that planned and orchestrated everything." The volume of my voice increased as I spoke and my voice shook slightly but kept a forced calm to it, my hands balled up into fists, while the throbbing pain in my chest grew.
The look of mild surprise appeared on her features at my accusation, and then she looked away, taking one hand to rub her eyes whilst shaking her head slightly. She returned to look at me again.
"What if I did, Natsuki? Did you even notice? During those three months, did I ever cross your minds? Did you even miss me or realize I wasn't there before someone else mentioned me? No… You didn't, Natsuki, so why does it matter?" Her voice was level and calm, but hollow, and her reason in her argument threw me off the anger that arose a moment ago and now left me in shock.
It cut me deeply. It hurt that she was right; it hurt to see her like this – so listless and pathetic; to realize how fragile our friendship is; and it hurt the most to know that it was me, that had caused all this. Everything felt like it was falling apart and I could feel the stinging sensations in my eyes as my vision blurred and my throat constrict. My chest tightened.
Then she continued, now in nothing more than a soft whisper - she sounded as though she's but a hair's width away from breaking down.
"Why did you drag me back, Natsuki? Why couldn't you just let our friendship end and rid me of my misery? Weren't we both better off apart?" Her voice started to choke near the end.
A few moments has past and we stood in silence, all I could hear is the heavy unleveled breathing from the brunette in front of me – she's trying to keep herself from crying.
I'm sure the reason she hasn't spoken, apart from giving herself time to gather her emotions, was to give me time to absorb her words and somehow reach the same decision as she has.
But I haven't given up yet, I'm positive that we still have a chance.
"We're not better off apart, Shizuru. All you're doing is running away, what we need to do is work this out, together. Then we can go back to how it was before, like eating lunch and doing stuff together, hanging out..." I spoke with my best attempt at a soothing and calming voice, forcing back my emotions and keeping my voice steady.
"Before? Natsuki?" There were tears in her eyes now, but they're held back. Her voice is starting to break and with a minor shrill to it. "Do you even know how much of a living hell it was for me? How much pain I was going through? No... no, I don't want to go back to that. I want to move forward. I'm not the one running away here, Natsuki… Right now there are only two paths in front of us: one is to end things as they are now, the other… well… you've already made it clear it's not possible."
She stared into my eyes with her crimson ones that were brimming with tears but they still held determination.
It seems like a threat but I know it isn't - I can see it in those red pools that, even though she still feels deeply for me, she no longer believes we can ever be together. No, this isn't a threat, this is Shizuru telling me I only have one choice and that choice is to let her leave.
'She's backing me into a corner... and I don't like it. Things doesn't have to be like this, she's being difficult.' I could feel annoyance well up inside of me.
"Shizuru…" The piercing pain in my chest threatened to bring tears to my eyes. "Why the hell does it have to be like this?! Why can't we just stay friends?!" I tried to keep my emotions in check but I couldn't hold it in anymore – my voice had flared as I questioned her – I felt pain and anger in my chest.
And Shizuru was the same, the once calm and ever elegant Fuuka Academy kaichou has broken down –tears falling freely from her eyes, though her gaze remained strong as ever, and her strangled voice cried:
"Because I can't take it anymore! It hurts too much to be with you... If you really consider me as a friend then don't come looking for me anymore."
I clenched my jaw and gritted my teeth.
'This is bullshit, even if our relationship was hurting her, does she even know how much this is hurting me?! I don't want to lose her. I am not going to lose her. There's no way I'm losing her.'
"No. Why do I have to give up a friend? I haven't done anything wrong! I'm not losing you Shizuru, I've lost a lot of people in my life, and if I can help it, there's no way I'm losing another!"
"Then do you not care that I'm suffering from that friendship?!"
"I don't care! I just want my first friend to stay as my friend! I just want everything to go back to how it was! I haven't done anything to deserve otherwise!" I was shouting with tears falling from my eyes, my foot stomped on the ground as though I was a 5 year old having a tantrum.
And she just looked at me with an unfamiliar look in her eyes; they were still filled with tears. A small motion caught from the corner of my vision told me she just gripped her fist. Then she spoke again with a renewed strong and confident voice, while wiping away the fallen tears.
"Fine, Natsuki. If that's what you want… then fine." With that she stormed out of my dorm room, brushing pass Mai who just entered through the front door.
"Fujino-san?" Mai said just as Shizuru rounded the corner and out of my sight. "Natsuki? What happened?"
She was concerned no doubt from the tears and red-eyes she saw on Shizuru and I, she looked at me as though she was asking if she should do something or if I should do something.
'I want to follow, but I won't – I mean she agreed to stay, right? There's no point in following anymore.'
"It's nothing Mai, just leave it." I dismissed my roommate's concerned query and stalked off to the bathroom to wash my face.
Turning on the tap, I gathered water in my hands.
"Then do you not care that I'm suffering from that friendship?!"
'I know it was selfish, but I don't care.' I splashed the water onto my face.
"Do you even know how much of a living hell it was for me?"
'It's for the best.' I wiped away the liquid from my face, and gathered more once again from the running tap.
"Why did you drag me back, Natsuki? Why couldn't you just let our friendship end and rid me of my misery? Weren't we both better off apart?"
'It's for the best – we'll be happier together... as friends' I repeated to myself as I splashed the cool liquid onto my face.
"But that the problem Natsuki, I can't stay knowing that we can never be more than we are now."
My breath hitched again while I tried to wipe the water away from my sore red eyes. I kept wiping... but the water kept dripping off my face.
'Why isn't it enough?'
A/N: Mmmm I can just feel the hate u have for me now ^_^ it's alrite i understand if u hate me and feel compel to write me a review full of hate and anger, go on, its alrite, do it! tell me u hate me for making natsuki act tht way. say it. say it! Muahahaha
N: *tugs on Shizuru's sleeve* Hey, she's acting weird again.
S: *sighs and grabs rope*
okay but seriously, unfortunately chapter 4 will b a while b4 it cums out (school work etc.) so dnt expect the next update for like a month. Sori!
EDIT: I've been informed that '-han' is not kyoto ben, I've changed it in all the chapters in A&D n will go on wif shizuru using '-san' from now on. However I'm going to leave S&B as it is.