Chapter 3: I Feel Loved

Rachel was lying awake in her bed, the cold metal held fast in her fingertips, thinking of the events that unfolded throughout the day. She thought back to seeing Finn and Quinn walking hand in hand down the hall as she passed the blade once more down her leg. She thought back to admiring Santana's outfit and the way it dipped down in the front just enough to make Rachel tingle with heat. The razor left another bright red trail against her tan skin. She thought back to her conversation with Miss Pillsbury. The metal was taught against her leg once more. She pressed down to make another slice into her skin but couldn't bring herself to do it. She kept thinking back to her conversation. Miss Pillsbury's voice kept repeating itself over and over in her head.

"Trust me. You are absolutely beautiful." Miss Pillsbury was so sweet to me; I'm glad I talked to her. I've never heard anybody say all those things to me and truly mean it. I should have showed her my scars. I should have let her in more. But I can't let my dads find out. They'll freak out. But Miss Pillsbury seems to care so much about me. She knew exactly what to say to make me feel better. I don't know. I should go back to her. I should show her my scars. Yea, that's what I'll do; I'll show her my scars tomorrow. She's the only one who really cares about me. I want her to see my pain. Maybe she can help me get rid of it. I need this pain to go away.

The next morning Rachel went straight to Miss Pillsbury's office. She was about to knock on her door when she saw Miss Pillsbury through the open blinds. She was sitting at her desk with her head in her hands. Rachel had never seen her counselor this upset. She wondered what was going on to make such a strong and happy woman appear so broken. Then again, Rachel had put up the strong front too. She knew perfectly well that you can be broken inside but make the world think you're fine. Rachel took it upon herself to enter the small office. Miss Pillsbury looked up from her desk when she heard the door slowly creak open. She wiped the tears from her eyes and greeted Rachel with a fake smile.

"Oh, hey Rachel. How are you feeling today? Any better?"

"Hi Miss Pillsbury! Actually, I am feeling a bit better today. I just wanted to talk to you a little bit more. But, uhm, are you ok? I couldn't help but notice you were crying."

"Yea, I'm fine, don't worry about it. What did you want to talk to me about still?"

"Okay then. Well, I was thinking about things last night. I know that I told you what's going on with me and such but I still feel the same way. I know, just one night isn't going to fix anything but I still couldn't stop myself from cutting again last night. I still pressed the blade to my skin. I still left red lines along my thighs. I still watched the blood slowly drip down." Rachel looked down at her knees as tears leaked from the corners of her eyes. She could barely hold herself together. "But you want to know the funny thing about it? It didn't take the pain away this time. I didn't feel better at all. In fact, I felt worse. You said you didn't want to see me hurt myself anymore but I cut anyway. I went against what you asked of me. All I heard was your voice telling me that I'm beautiful and I am enough. Hearing your voice is what stopped me from cutting even more. I had the blade in my hand. I was ready to slice until my leg was numb. "

Miss Pillsbury held Rachel in a tight embrace as she gently cried into her shoulder. She hated seeing Rachel so upset, especially because she's upset that she disappointed her. "It's okay Rachel. Don't worry about not feeling perfect after just one night. It takes time to wrap your head around everything. But in time you will understand just how amazing you are."

"I hope so. I don't want to feel this way forever. I want to be a star. I need to be a star. But I can't if I feel so worthless all the time. I don't want to feel worthless anymore."

"Rachel, look at me. You are not worthless. You will be a star. I know you will."

"Miss Pillsbury?"

"Yes Rachel?"

"I want to show you my scars, if that's okay by you." Rachel looked up into Miss Pillsbury's concerned hazel eyes, her own brown ones riddled with tiny red lines of despair. Miss Pillsbury nodded and Rachel reached for the hem of her skirt. Her fingers toyed with the slightly frayed edge as she inched the paisley skirt from her knees to the tops of her thighs. Miss Pillsbury locked her eyes on Rachel's until she found her fingers tracing the line, course lines on Rachel's otherwise perfect skin. She slowly looked down to count the numerous scars. There must have been at least a hundred on each leg. Some had faded away into a slight pink line and others were still deep red and rough. Rachel shivered under the soft touch of Miss Pillsbury's hands.

Her hands are so soft. Her fingers are so nimble. She looks so adorable and so caring right now. NO! Stop thinking this Rachel. She's your guidance counselor for crying out loud! I can't think of Miss Pillsbury this way. I just can't. But just look at her. Her gorgeous eyes, her silky hair, her milky skin. I've never had someone touch me so tenderly, with so much love.

Rachel found herself staring as Miss Pillsbury ran her fingers lazily along her thigh. She watched as her eyes grew bigger and bigger with each new scar she came across. She had never seen such concern in Miss Pillsbury's eyes.

"Did it hurt?" Her voice startled Rachel and pulled her from her mind.

"A little." She looked away, ashamed at herself for doing such foolish things. Miss Pillsbury reached her hand back to the hem of Rachel's skirt pulling it back into place. She wrapped one arm around her shoulder and used the other to caress Rachel's face. She gently turned her face so that she was staring into the dark brown depths of Rachel's eyes.

"Rachel, I don't want you to ever feel like you need to hurt yourself again. You are so very special in every way. You're talented. You're beautiful. You're smart. You're caring. You don't deserve to be hurt by anyone, especially yourself. Please, Rachel, understand how amazing you are, how special you are. Be honest with yourself and how you feel. That's the only way you will be able to realize the true you." Miss Pillsbury's thumb rubbed light circles into Rachel's cheek, wiping away the tears that were now flowing steadily from her eyes. She looked at the sad brunette and watched as her whole body shifted with each pass made by her thumb. She saw the pain start to dissolve away. She felt the heat rise from Rachel's core. She knew Rachel was feeling the same desires she was. "Rachel, I care so, so much about you. Don't ever forget that." Miss Pillsbury leaned in towards Rachel and took her lips up into her own. She lingered for a few seconds and gently pulled away. Rachel was shocked by Miss Pillsbury's action. She jumped of the couch and grabbed at the door.

"I-I-I have to go." Rachel slurred her sentence as she exited the suddenly tiny office.

Wow. Did that really just happen? Did Miss Pillsbury really just do that? There's no way that just happened. No way. She was just being kind to me. She was just trying to help me. That was all it was, just kindness. But wow, that was the best kiss I have ever had. I could feel myself melt on the inside. I've never felt that way before with anyone, even Finn. No, this can't be. This can't be. This just can't happen.