Chapter 3
When they reached the office 35 minutes later, Emily led them inside and checked Spencer in. Shortly after settling into the waiting room, Dr Nelson came and took them back to his office. When the doctor had come to the waiting room, Spencer had requested Emily come with him while he explained what happened in Georgia.
Having later stepped out of the room so that the doctor could talk to Spencer privately, Emily went back to the waiting room and had no sooner sat down when she froze, hearing a voice she knew well, "Emily, my office please."
Emily groaned, knowing that it was not a request and she was going to get some grief for it being so long since she checked in with Alicia. She knew when she had called Alicia earlier about whether the practice would be able to help Spencer that the older woman wanted to talk to her. With her colleague who would be the best person for Spencer to see for what Emily described, Alicia hadn't said much on the phone so that they had time to arrive for the appointment that was available.
As Alicia watched as Emily walked into her office, she was pleasantly surprised that Emily for the most part looked well, tired yes but overall well. Generally when Emily was avoiding her as she had been doing since returning to DC, it was because she was working through something and when she did come in she would be a little worse for wear. While that didn't seem to be the case today, she wouldn't know for sure until they talked.
Settling herself in her normal seat, Emily observed as she saw Alicia close the door and walk over and sit in her typical chair. As she looked around the room, there were some different decorative touches, most of it was the same as the last time she was here. While Alicia did make changes to her office, she tended to make them slowly. But even as the decor had changed over the years the comforting smell had not and Emily found herself relaxing.
"So Emily, it's been a while. You were suppose to check in with me when you arrived back in DC and that was months ago. How have you been?" Alicia said, drawing Emily's attention over to her.
Emily sighed before answering, "OK. I started at the BAU and things have just been really busy. We have already been out on several cases since I started."
Alicia sighed, from her long experience with Emily saw through her answer. She was offering an explanation as to why she hadn't been in while avoiding the question Alicia felt was most important. It was very telling and Alicia knew she had her work cut out her. Shaking her head, Alicia replied, "I would imagine that unit would be busy. But you know that OK doesn't answer the question I asked you."
Emily bit her lip realized that Alicia had picked up on what she had been trying to do. Crap. After thinking for a minute, she remembered that Alicia was one of the few people that had known about her past relationship with Aaron Hotchner, so she threw out, "guess who my boss is."
Alicia looked at her confused wondering who she could be talking about that she would know and was in a position to be Emily's supervisor. Just then a name came to her. She looked up at Emily wide eyed and said, "Aaron?" to which Emily nodded before she continued, "no way."
Alicia recalled that it had been that response that all those years ago that had finally gotten a response out of a teenage Emily. She had only been at the practice for a couple of months when one of the founding partners approached her about taking on the teenage granddaughter of one of his former clients.
He had given her some background information on what was going on with the young woman before her first session. Information that Alicia did not completely let on to the first time Emily had come to her office. The pain was evident on the young woman dressed in black who had completed her goth look with heavy black makeup that didn't hide the high and thick emotional walls.
Despite dutifully coming in twice a week, it had taken weeks for Emily to start talking to her about anything. It was months before Emily had really started to open up to her about what had happened to her. When she had, it was worse than what she had been briefed about. She had been told that Emily had been raped and gotten pregnant then had an abortion. But hearing the details had brought it to a different level.
Then Emily had told her that the priest, though unable to tell her mother about her pregnancy, had found a different way to punish her when he talked her mother into sending her to a convent school he suggested in Switzerland. Given what she experienced there, Emily had said she was sure the priest had filled those at the convent in on his interpretation of what she had done in Rome. As soon as she has gotten the chance she had left with just the clothes on her back and showed up at her grandfather's cabin in the French Alps three days later.
After explaining to him what had happened he spoke to her mother and made arrangement for her to go to the same boarding school in Virginia that he had sent her mother to for Emily to finish her last two years of high school. But a condition he had was she needed to go to therapy to work on feelings about what she had been through.
Emily smirked at Alicia's comment while also knowing it had been the intended reaction as she gave the expected reply, "way. I was completely surprised when I arrived and was told he was the Unit Chief. My paperwork didn't have his name on them. I didn't find out until I was meeting with the Section Chief. I had to make a sudden decision about whether or not I still wanted the assignment when I questioned it."
Alicia paused wondering how much she should push Emily, knowing that Aaron Hotchner was still a sensitive topic. Even as recently as five years ago, she was certain that Emily would have walked away instead of working with him. However she needed to know what Emily's mindset was on this development.
She remembered their discussions when Emily met Aaron as well as to how they became acquainted when Emily was home that summer. She had excitedly filled Alicia in on their future plans. For Alicia she had never seen Emily as content as she was during those months.
Then Alicia remembered later that summer when a devastated Emily came into her office. Emily had called 3 weeks earlier and left a message the morning she left for France telling Alicia that her grandfather was ill and she was going to see him.
Alicia had heard from her colleague that he had passed away and knowing how close they were she wasn't surprised at how upset Emily was when she came in that day.
What had surprised her that day was what Emily had told her about Aaron Hotchner being gone when she came home without leaving a word. His phone had been disconnected and he had moved away from his apartment.
Then Emily told her she had found out from the agent that replaced him that he had been reassigned. To a position that Emily had known he had wanted but had said he would wait until she finished school to pursue it so they could stay together. Once she explained that to Alicia, Alicia found that Emily would shut down anytime Aaron Hotchner was mentioned.
"So you decided to stay and work with him. Interesting." Alicia commented.
Emily rolled her eyes before grumbling the reply, "no Alicia I chose to stay and work in the unit I have wanted for years. He tried to send me away the first day when he found out I was assigned to his team."
Emily paused and leaned forward, resting her forearms on her legs before continuing, "God I wish I knew what I did to him that summer." before she paused again wiping a tear off her cheek.
Alicia too had wondered over the years what had happened but knew it was a subject that Emily would rarely talk about because it was too painful.
It had just been a couple of years earlier when Alicia had by chance been introduced to Aaron Hotchner at a conference. She of course hadn't said anything to him about Emily but since then she had wondered what happened between the two. She had long held the unshared opinion that there was more involved in them losing contact that what was obvious.
Emily sighed before saying "things have not been going smoothly with him since I started." She took a deep breath and goes through everything that has happened with her and Hotch and the team since she started at the BAU.
"Well Emily, I know you have been asking yourself that question for the last 12 years but now that you have seen him again, have you asked him?" Alicia asked.
Emily looked down and shook her head before saying, "no and I'm not going to. I just can't go there. I made it clear to him that I want strictly professional interactions. I can't go back there."
Alicia sighed but wasn't surprised by her reaction on this sensitive subject though she did feel it was progress that she was willing to work with him. Deciding to let the subject go today and continuing, Alicia said, "only you can decide what you can handle but keep it in mind. So it sounds like a lot of stress. How have you been handling it?"
This was another topic that Alicia had known she needed to check in with Emily about. Over the years she had helped Emily work through multiple times with her unhealthy coping mechanisms. She had found Emily willing to work through them and had over the years they had found healthy ways for her to cope however Alicia also had discovered that during times of stress, Emily tended to regress so she checked in with her about coping especially after they hadn't seen each other in a while, particularly when Emily was avoiding her.
Emily sighed as she said, "well, I've spent a lot of time in the gym. It did pay off though when the team trainer did my signoff for hand to hand. He regretted underestimating me. I also passed the range assessment with Aaron of all people. So theoretically have have done what I needed to for Agent Hotchner to put me in the field." She hoped that her therapist hadn't picked up on that she hadn't really answered the question.
Looking over at the suspicious look, Emily sighed realizing that Alicia hadn't missed it. Damn, she really didn't want to talk about this today.
But apparently luck was on her side when she saw the slight shake of Alicia's head before she said,
"So back in the field for the first time since you finished the Ian Doyle case. How is it going?"
As expected Alicia could see Emily's anxiety levels rise at the question. It was a question at one point Alicia didn't know if she would ever be asking Emily.
Her clearance had given her access to Emily's file including her psych evaluation as well as the case report from the Doyle case. She remembered being shocked when she read the file that Emily had been placed undercover when CIA's own psych evaluation clear concluded that she should not be considered suitable for that role. Given the rationale stated in the psych evaluation, Alicia wasn't sure how they could have justified her being assigned to just that role.
When she came back to DC after that case, Emily had initially been a shell of her former self, walking around like a ghost. Alicia had had them meeting everyday for several weeks as she started to work through with Emily what had happened and how she was handling it.
Alicia slowly saw Emily reclaim the various parts of her life and after several months made the decision to go through the process to come off of her leave and go back into the FBI. Initially disappointed that she was only cleared for a desk position, Emily had commented in a session when she was back in DC months later that it had ended up being a good way for her to work on her healthy coping skills.
Emily shrugged as she answered, "mostly ok. Hotch has really only let me do interviews, canvassing, etc."
Alicia nodded before she said, "so slowly easing you back into it."
"Yes" Emily replied.
Alicia asked knowing that at one point this had been a sticking point for her, "how do you feel working within a team again? You have mentioned a lot of conflict with various team members. Do you think you will be able to trust them once you get further into field duty?"
Emily immediately said "Yes", however after a minute she came back saying, "maybe" with uncertainty on her face.
Alicia nodded at the honest response before saying, "Emily what happened to you would cause doubt in just about everyone. But this is a new team. Don't make them guilty for the crimes of others. Make sure you are giving them opportunities to earn your trust."
Alicia sighed at the whole topic. She knew Emily well enough to know she worked best within a team framework. She wanted to work on a team and she craved team interaction in her work. But the betrayal she experience by a member of her team while she was undercover on the Doyle case had deeply affected her particularly since she didn't know which team member it was. And as a profiler, that was unsettling.
Emily nodded as she said, "I know and I have. I decided one evening in the gym that I either needed to be willing to give them a chance or just give up and walk away. So for the conversation I mentioned I heard, one of the participates asked me to lunch. I agreed to coffee with her instead to hear her out."
Alicia nodded as she asked, "how did that go?"
"She apologized. We've since done the lunch and I've gone out with her and another colleague." Emily responded.
Alicia took a deep breath before asking, "how did that feel?"
Emily took a deep breath before answering, "I'm willing to give her a chance. I'm glad I agreed to coffee because she seems sincere. But if anything else comes up, I don't know."
"Fair enough." Alicia agreed, knowing on a good day that trust didn't come easy to Emily and these weren't easy days.
Before she could say anything else, there was a beep on the internal messaging system. Alicia picked it up and read the message before saying, "that is Dr Nelson. He would like for you to come back so he can talk to you and your colleague.
Before you go, remember to take care of yourself Emily. You have a tendency to look out for everyone else but you need to keep yourself strong or you aren't going to have anything to offer others.
Emily nodded and replied, "OK, I'll try."
Alicia continued, "I would like to start seeing you on a regular basis, especially as you start transitioning into the field again. Maybe come with your friend and I'll hold the time that he is seeing Dr Nelson."
Emily stood and replied, "OK, let me see what he has decided," as she gathered her things and walked out of the office after saying goodbye to Alicia.