Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia

Kicking the Bucket List

three

"I would
rather be
lost in a city
than in a person."
— Noor Shirazie

To say Lovino was worried was an understatement. He was terrified.

And who wouldn't be, feeling all of these foreign… emotions out of the blue, merely after catching a glimpse of a passing stranger? A beautiful, mesmerising exception in the sea of people that surrounded him.

He'd never been in love before, and though he did often flirt with girls, he hadn't the desire to kiss them, or to be anything more than friends or acquaintances with them. In fact, if you'd asked him what he thought of love prior this morning, his answer would've been along the lines of, What even is love?

Why is it called that?

How does one know if it truly is love and not some impassioned momentary infatuation? Temporary hormone-induced frisson?

Love, in a supposed romantic sense, is a four-letter lie filled with false hope and empty promises. It's as trivial as it is superfluous.

But now he wasn't so sure.

"…Fratello? Fratello! Ve~ Lovi, listen when I'm talking to you~!" Feliciano's whining had eventually gotten to the older Vargas brother and it brought him out of his reverie. He licked his lips and turned to face Feliciano, eyes narrowed in slight irritation.

"What? What is it?" He demanded, feeling heat creep up his cheeks as if he'd been caught doing something bad. Was it guilt he was feeling, or embarrassment?

"Lovi," Feli reiterated, grabbing his fratello's arm and giving it a small shake. "My professor for Introduction to Art is the Theodore Lennox! Ve~ I'm so excited!"

Lovino raised an eyebrow up, "Who the fuck is that?"

Feliciano pulled away a fraction, aghast, "Duh! He's only, like, one of the biggest influences in my art! His works are extraordinary! Dio mio, Lovi, I feel so honoured just being in his presence~!"

The other Italian snorted. "Yeah, whatever. Calm your tits, Feliciano."

Almost instinctively, Feli gasped and put his hands over his chest in mock offence. "Ve~ I don't have boobs, fratello! That's mean!"

The older twin held back a chuckle. What a fucking idiot.

"Anyways, how was your morning, fratello? Did you make any friends?" Feliciano queried, reaching over to shake Lovino's arm again. The latter shrugged his arm out of the former's grasp, rolling his eyes.

"Well, what do you think?"

Feliciano sighed, pouting at his older brother in a mixture of disapproval and disappointment. Ve~ Why can't he at least try to make friends?

"Ve~ Why can't you at least try to make friends?"

"Why the fuck should I?"

"Well, why not?"

"Hmm. Touché, but no."

Feliciano harrumphed and put his hands on either side of his waist. Lovino internally cringed. Fuck my life, not another one of Feliciano's fucking sermons, goddammit, what the fuck…

The younger of the two had these… parental moments, in which he would actually fucking lecture Lovino about the importance of friends and branching out to others so he wouldn't feel so alone. The latter, at first, found them hysterical. He couldn't take his brother seriously (TBH, he still doesn't), so he just sat there, trying to suppress his raucous laughter.

But over time, it just kinda became more… bland and pathetic, so Lovino was just like, "Meh, whatever."

Just as Feliciano was about to begin the 30-minute lecture that'd probably consume the rest of their lunch break, someone had called out to him.

"Hey, Feli!"

Both the Vargas brothers turned to look at the source of the noise. Lovino internally seethed. It was the annoying fucker from his morning algebra class, dammit.

Antonio jogged over, looking so fucking jovial, Lovino could feel the happiness emanating from the Spaniard's being.

Ew.

"How the fuck does he know you?" Lovino asked, only loud enough for Feli to hear as Toni soon approached them.

Feliciano laughed nervously. Lovi felt suspicious and skeptical as fuck.

As Antonio's jogging slowed down to a walk, he cast a brief glance at Lovino. "Oh, hola, Lovino."

The latter sneered. "Fuck off."

The Spaniard, feeling sheepish and awkward, glanced at Feliciano. "Say, can I, uh, talk to you for a second?"

"Ve~ I'm all ears." Feliciano cheerfully replied, though he was internally panicking.

"…Ahaha~ In private?" Toni added, casting a quick glance at the other twin.

"Look, bastard, whatever you have to say to Feliciano, you can say in front of me." Lovino grit out, glaring daggers at the brunette.

"Uh… Si, si! Okay then~!"

Big mistake, Antonio.

"Feliciano, would you like to go out with me sometime?"

Very big mistake.

Almost instantly, there was a huge crash that got both Antonio and Feliciano's attention— the metaphorical sound of Lovino putting his Virginity Guardian Armour on, and the literal sound of his fists slamming against the outdoor plastic table. Feli began to panic, rushing to his older brother's side.

"Excuse you?" Lovino demanded the Spaniard, standing up from his seat. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"Ve~ Lovi, calm down!" Feliciano whined, clinging to his brother like a leech.

"'Excuse me'..? I— I was just—" Antonio stuttered, alarmed with the reaction of the seething Italian.

Mierda. Why is he always so angry? What did I do?!

"Toni! Run! Run like the wind, ve~!" The other twin cried out as Lovino started to stomp towards Antonio. The latter instinctively took several steps back in shock.

"That's my brother you're hitting on, you bastard! And if you think I'm gonna turn a blind eye while you corrupt mio fratello's mind and body with your fucking idiocy and Spanishness, dammit, then you've got another thing coming right at you, dick weed!" With that being said, Lovino began to stomp (limp) towards the Spaniard, albeit the extra baggage and weight that came in the form of his younger brother.

Antonio stilled, shocked. But that only lasted a moment before he turned around and took off.

"Yeah, that's right! You better run, you piece of shit!" Lovino growled out, trying to pry his fratellino off of his being. "Dammit, Feliciano! Let go of me! What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"V-Ve~ You didn't have to be so mean, fratello! I would have turned him down, anyway!"

The older Vargas brother gave Feli The Evil Eye. "No," he said, voice low, grave and ominous. "You wouldn't have. You would've said 'yes' because you don't know how to let people off nicely. You're too kind, dammit. You wear your heart on your sleeve and I don't want you getting hurt, Feliciano…"

Feliciano's honey brown eyes softened as he pulled away from his brother, taking his hand. "I know that, fratello. But I don't want you to get hurt either."

"I don't get hurt. And even if I did, I could take it anyway." Lovino quickly interjected, his frown deepening.

The other twin opened his mouth to retort, only to close it again and shake his head sadly.

Lovino hated that he upset Feliciano. All he wanted to do was to protect him, yet here his younger brother was, hurt. Because of him.

He hated himself for it. He shrugged Feliciano's hand off, grabbed his backpack and walked away.

All he ever does is hurt people.

And in turn, they hurt him.

It's a fucked up concept of 'give-and-take', but this was his reality. There was nothing else he could do about it, right?

Lovino wandered to the outskirts of the campus, nearing the wood. He saw a well worn path leading into the thick forest and briefly contemplated going in.

He decided he didn't want to die an early death yet— he hadn't completed a thing on his bucket list, after all— and opted to walk past the pathway and to some sort of garden.

It was filled with flora of all types, with the shrubbery clipped to perfection.

After walking a bit more, he discovered he was the only one there. He saw a bench nearby, so he sat on it and pulled the note out of his pocket. Carefully, he unfolded it, and read it again with caution.

How could someone have such an effect on him?

If only he could see those beautiful forest green eyes again.

He closed his eyes and sighed, thinking of what had just transpired earlier with Feliciano. Thoughts begin to run rampant in his head. Words began to form.

Abruptly, his hazel eyes snapped open and he reached for his backpack, hastily reaching for his notepad before the words left him. He fumbled around for a pen and immediately scribbled down his thoughts at the moment, word for word.

i will push you away

and wonder why

no one ever

comes to save me

He held the notepad close to his face, eyes narrowing as he scrutinised the last line.

'Save me'?

Save him from what? What was he, some kind of fucking 'damsel-in-distress'? Hell, he could take what all those bullies have dealt him, but they couldn't take what they dished out.

He's strong, yet at the same time, he is weak. All these years of protecting Feliciano, yet the very action had hardened his heart, whilst Feliciano wore his on his sleeve. So free, so daring— because love is a scary thing.

At least it is, for Lovino. He could never bear the thought of baring himself to someone, letting them in. Because once you let someone in, they go ahead and they destroy you.

He's never experienced it before, but he won't, he doesn't want to.

But the stranger with the eyes as green as the wood that surrounded him… Would Lovino… let him in?

Would that stranger be the one he opens his heart to? He imagined hushed whispering with him at 3AM, the bedsheets riding low on their bare hips as the words he whispers are the truest he has ever said to anyone. But then that'd prove all he's told himself out loud has been nothing but lies.

Has it always been a lie?

…He has too many issues, dammit. And if he couldn't understand the intricacies of his inner workings, how could anyone else?

Nobody could ever love someone like him, anyway, so why the hell did it even matter to him?

Why should it matter to him? Right?

After the first day of classes, Lovino walked home alone. Feliciano was going to hang out with his friends a bit longer before going home as well.

Barely five minutes had passed, and Lovino already found himself in front of their apartment building. He went up to the penthouse and left his bag on the floor by the couch before collapsing on top of it.

He just felt so fucking tired.

Was having emotions other than anger actually this exhausting?

Kudos to Feliciano, then. And other normal people as well.

After lying on the couch for a few minutes, he decided to move to his bedroom. He sat on the bed and an aggravated sigh escaped his lips.

He reached for the Kicking The Bucket List atop his bedside table and pulled it open, examining each and every item. Most of the items consisted of travelling, seeing the world before he left it of his own accord.

It was pretty ironic, to say the least. That's what made it— in a sick, twisted sense of humour— funny.

"…And then he just started chasing me! I didn't know what to do, so I ran away," Antonio expressively recalled what had happened during lunch, along with boisterous hand gestures and exaggerated pitches in his voice.

Francis shook his head in disapproval whilst Gilbert, on the other hand, shook with mirth.

"Mon ami, I never thought you would give up so easily," the blond chastised, waggling his finger before the brunette.

The latter let out an easy laugh, shaking his head. "No, of course not! I'm not giving up on Feliciano just yet, Franny. Ahaha~ You should know me better than that!"

Gilbert gave his friend a good ol' pat on the back. "Good luck with that, mein Freund! Even Francis and I have tried dating Feli, but, Gott, that annoying brother of his always gets in the way! Like, what's his deal? It's so not awesome."

Antonio nodded his head in understanding, "Granted, it's gonna be hard with Lovino in the way, but if there's one thing I know, it's that Feliciano is worth it~!"

The three raised their drinks up; tequila for Toni, beer for Gil, and red wine for Francis, and clinked their glasses together in unison.

"Cheers!"

Meanwhile, Feliciano was sitting with his friends in the diner near the campus. He'd ordered a strawberry milkshake and a serving of fries, and was now chatting contentedly with his friends while waiting for his order.

The door opened with the sound of the bell above it ringing, and in walked one of Feliciano's best friends from high school— Kiku Honda.

He knew Kiku would be taking engineering, but he hadn't seen Kiku in EHU all day! So he momentarily assumed that Kiku had moved to another college at the last minute. In fact, Feliciano was intent on interrogating him about it via Facebook the moment he got home~! This was wonderful!

"Ve~ Kiku! Over here!"

Kiku's dark brown eyes widened in recognition of the voice and immediately turned to face the speaker. Behind the Japanese teen was an awkward yet stern looking blond with his hair slicked back. When he, too, turned to face the source of the noise, Feliciano found himself staring at the bluest eyes he had ever seen.

His heart skipped a beat.

He stood up to greet them, his smile widening a bit more.

"Say, amigo, where's Ludwig? You did say he was going to enrol here, right?" Antonio queried, nudging Gilbert's shoulder.

The albino didn't tear his carmine eyes off of the TV overhead the bar, but he didn't skip a beat when he answered. "Ja, he is. His flight from military school was delayed early this morning, so he got here around lunchtime. I'll see him when I get home though."

"Ah, I see. I haven't seen him in ages! I wonder how big he's gotten. What course is he taking in EHU?"

"Kesese~ mein Bruder's taking engineering. I'm proud of him."

"Ve~ Ciao! My name is Feliciano! What's yours?" Feliciano asked the tall and robust blond, who pretty much towered over everyone else in the diner.

Clear blue eyes darted around the room momentarily before locking with the Italian's honey brown gaze. The blond curtly stuck his hand out. "Hallo, my name is Ludwig Beilschmidt. I am pleased to make your acquaintance."

"Is it okay if I call you Luddy? You can call me Feli if you want~!"

Ludwig took a step back, at a loss for what to say. Not even ten seconds of meeting this person, Feliciano already had a nickname for him!

The two stared at each other for a good full minute before Ludwig finally cleared his throat. "I… I guess you can—"

"Yay!" Feliciano tackled the blond in a hug, leaving the latter rigid in temporary paralysis. "Hi, Luddy~!"

M-Mein… Mein Gott. What have I done?

Hours later, Lovino had awoken from his nap. It was dark now, but there was no source of light coming from the hallway, so Feliciano wasn't home yet.

The brunette got up, scratching his back and yawning. He then shuffled into his bathroom to take a shower. When he'd finished and gotten dressed, he decided to derp around on the Internet and kill some time before he made himself a ciabatta sandwich for dinner.

That was his first mistake.

As bored as he was, he, of his own accord, went onto YouTube.

That was his second mistake.

Scrolling through his suggested videos, he came across one that got his attention. 'Shrek Is Love, Shrek Is Life. (Original)'. The video had millions of hits, so he decided, why the fuck not, right?

He clicked on it.

That was his third mistake.

'I was only nine years old. I loved Shrek so much. I had all the merchandise and movies.'

Wait, what?

'I prayed to Shrek every night, thanking him for the life I've been given. "Shrek is love," I say, "Shrek is life.'

What the fuck is this?

'My dad hears me and calls me a faggot.'

Lovino suddenly burst out laughing. He stared at the screen, watching intently for what was to happen next.

That was when it all went downhill.

A traumatised "Oh my God…" escaped his lips as he sat before the Macbook, rigid in horror.

He wanted to close the tab, to close the fucking window, but it was so fucking disturbing, he just— he just couldn't pull away. He was frozen in his spot from what he saw.

And ultimately, he had inadvertently watched it right to the very end.

He sat there in silence, barely breathing, barely moving an inch for a full minute, before something snapped inside of him. That's enough internet for today, d-dammit…

Feeling frantic, he hastily ran his fingers over his trackpad and scrolled the pointer up to the red exit button. He then scrolled the pointer to the upper left corner and over the Apple on the menu bar.

He selected Shut Down… and the screen immediately went black.

Lovino hastily got up from his seat and bolted to his bed, quickly ducking under the duvet. He curled up into a foetal position, trying to push all thoughts discerning Shrek and that deranged, creepy fucker out of his head.

Dio mio, he knew he was gay, but to see it so—narrated so… I don't even know anymore. What the fuck did I just fucking watch?!

The Italian was a hundred percent done with life.

So he skipped dinner and opted to go straight to sleep.

Oh, God, the horror.

Translations:

fratello - brother (It.)
Dio mio - oh my God (It.)
hola - hello (Esp.)
si - yes (Esp.)
mierda - shit (Esp.)
mio fratello - my brother (It.)
fratellino - younger brother (It.)
mon ami - my friend (Fr.)
mein Freund - my friend (Dt.)
Gott - God (Dt.)
amigo - friend (Esp.)
ja - yes (Dt.)
mein Bruder - my brother (Dt.)
ciao - hello (It.)
hallo - hello (Dt.)
mein Gott - oh my God (Dt.)

Love is in the air~ but at the same time, it's not. Because it's not for each other. Tell me how you think the Spamano in this story will happen! Obvs, I already know, but yeah. I'd love to hear more from you guys. Thanks so much for all the feedback, favourites and follows. Constructive criticism is welcome~

~jellydonut16~