My hands were shaking as I tried pouring hot water into the coffee machine. I had expected last night to be a crazy dream. I thought I'd wake up crying like I had so many other times. However, this morning was the complete opposite. I had woken up lying on top of Dan instead of next to him.
He had somehow got underneath me so he was lying on his back. I had been lying on my stomach with my head on his chest.
His face, of course, had been the first thing I'd seen. The shock and amazement that it hadn't been a dream was the reason I was currently shaking.
I didn't know what to do or how to react. This was all so crazy! I hadn't seen or talked to Dan since three years ago when we were in love. Now after all the time, here I was taking care of him like we used to when we were dating and one of us got smashed.
As my coffee started to brew I decided the first thing I should do is change. I ran up to my room grabbed the first comfortable thing I saw. A tight white t-shirt and baggy sweatpants. I pulled my hair up in my classic pony-tail and decided that was good enough. Maybe if I was dressed like this Dan wouldn't have the urge to say sweet drunken things to me that would make butterflies erupt in my stomach.
I glanced in the mirror and an image of Blair floated into my head. She would not approve of my wardrobe. I should be wearing a revealing dress with perfectly fixed hair, in her opinion. But in this case I wasn't worried about winning the breakup. Everything was different with Dan.
It was with that thought that I ran back down my stairs and into my kitchen. I jumped in surprise when I saw Dan sitting on a stool in my kitchen. His head was resting awkwardly on the surface of the counter.
My mom's voice was filling the room.
"Serena, hey honey. I'm sorry I couldn't make it home last night, I got held up at work. I'll be home in a few hours. Bye."
I pressed stop on the answering machine and silence filled my huge house again.
"Hey Dan," I said walking around the counter so I was across from him.
He slowly lifted his head off the counter to look at me.
"Hey Serena," he replied.
"How are you feeling?" I asked, having no idea what else to say.
"Like shit," he answered me shortly.
I couldn't control the rush of affection that ran through me as he dropped his head back to the counter.
"You still look great," he mumbled into the marble.
Damn him for being able to read my mind!
"Dan," I said, still feeling sorry for him, "How much did you drink last night?"
"A lot."
"Ok, well go back into the living room where it's comfortable," I instructed, "I'll bring you coffee."
"Thanks," he mumbled standing up slowly.
I watched as he paused to find his balance and then went shuffling to the living room.
I poured a cup of coffee and grabbed him an Advil. I then followed him back into the living room and handed him his goods before curling up on the couch across from him.
Dan was sitting up, not laying, but he was slumped down really far so he could rest his head against the back cushion. I waited until he had successfully taken the medicine before talking.
"Dan," I said again, "Is there someone you want me to call? Someone who can come get you and take you home?"
"Why?" he asked, "You want me to leave?"
My insides were screaming NO as loud as they could but I couldn't tell him that. I could never let that slip out.
"You can stay as long as you need," I told him, "But I think it's better that someone that knows you takes care of you."
"No one knows me better than you," he told me closing his eyes.
I shook off the pleasure I got from his comment, knowing it wasn't gonna last.
"Do you want me to call Jenny?" I asked, "Or Vanessa, Nate? Your dad?"
"Go ahead and call all of them," he replied, eyes still closed, "None of them are gonna come."
I sat in confusion for a second as Dan rubbed his temples.
"I haven't talked to any of them in probably two years," he explained, "After I lost you three years ago, I changed. Into a jerk and a borderline alcoholic. I stopped talking to my dad and family cause I didn't want to hurt them like I hurt you. I graduated from NYU but after I never did anything with it. I didn't finish any of the writings I'd started. And that was around the last time I talked to Nate or Vanessa. I figured if my family wanted to talk to a drunk like me they would. No one has tried to contact me."
My heart broke quietly for the man I once loved, as he explained his story. I had been in terrible shape too, but I had my friends and family to keep me sane when Dan and I broke up.
"Dan, I'm so sorry," I whispered, biting back tears.
"I don't want you to pity me," He said now looking right at me, "I just want you to know why I called you last night. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I just needed someone to help me, and I knew you were my only hope. Once again I was a selfish ass."
As Dan continued his story I could hear him choking up. He wiped his eyes and went on.
"That's all I've ever been Serena," he told me, "A selfish ass."
"No Dan," I said, feeling my own tears now, "No."
"Yes," he said fiercely, "That's all I've ever been. Before we were together it was easy for me to pretend. But you know as good as I do that it was easy for me to join in on the immature behavior I claimed to be too good for. I could hide behind you, and my love for you. But when we broke up the true guy in me came out. I turned into this mess, that I was always supposed to be. That's why I didn't come after you. Because I'm a selfish coward. And it's better that no one that used to love me knows me now."
Dan finished and looked down at his hands. I could see him shaking as he tried to suppress his sobs. He failed miserably and I could see the silent tears rolling down his face.
More of my heart broke as The Dan Humphrey, writer, Lonely Boy, sarcastic, and once very desirable bachelor, broke down in front of me. He set his pride aside and was crying in front of me and that alone was enough to make me start bawling.
I stood and quickly moved over so I was sitting next to Dan. He was now resting his elbows on his knees, so he was completely slumped over. I put my arm immediately around his shoulder and rested my head on his shoulder.
"Dan," I whispered, "Don't do this to yourself. You better not really believe that you're all those things you just said. Dan, I'm the girl you didn't follow and I don't think you're selfish or a coward."
"Serena," he whispered, "Don't do that. I am what I am, you can't change that."
"Yes I can Dan," I told him, "Because like you said I know you best. And that means I know you even better than you know yourself. So I know that deep down is the loving, amazing, sweet Dan and it's sometimes covered by this Dan. You have it backward, because if deep down you were a mess, you never would have been able to put that aside. It always would have shown through and I never would've fallen in love with you. But I did Dan, because you are different that all the other jerks I knew before you. "
"You haven't seen me these past three years," he insisted, "All those people you mentioned have. And if them not talking to me isn't enough of a sign, you're not as smart as I thought you were."
I could not let this go on. There was no way I was going to let Dan go on convincing himself that he was a bad person.
"Do you want to talk to them?" I asked, forming a plan, "Do you miss them? Do you miss your family?"
"Of course, I do," he said weakly, "I'd do anything to change these past three years."
"Good," I said, "Now drink the rest of your coffee and go take a shower. You remember where it is. Leave your clothes on the floor outside. Let me take care of everything else."
"What are you thinking?" Dan demanded of me.
"Don't worry about it," I whispered to him, "Just trust me."
"I do," he whispered looking back at me.
Our faces were a few inches apart and I almost lost control as he whispered to me.
"Serena," he said, "What if I'm too hungover to stand in the shower for that long?"
Even though he was serious, a smile appeared on my face.
"Take a bath," I told him, "But don't drown. And if you're too dizzy to get upstairs, just call to me."
Five minutes later I walked upstairs to the bathroom. Dan's clothes were lying on the ground outside the door just as I wanted them to be. I could hear the water running on the other side of the door. Apparently he had enough confidence in himself to shower.
Again I couldn't suppress a grin as I grabbed his clothes and ran back downstairs. I threw them into the washer and hoped one wash would be enough to free them of their smell.
I then went back to my living room and pulled out my cell phone. Time to get serious.
Twenty minutes later I was lounging on my couch, with my phone lying next to me. I was half way through my plan. I took a second to breathe and thought I heard a creaking on the stairs. I looked up and sure enough Dan was on his way down.
His hair was wet and sticking in different directions all over his head. I could see a few drops of water still running down his chest. Oh, his bare chest which looked just as muscular as it had three years ago. He had a towel wrapped around his waist, but it was short enough that I could still see half of his leg.
I wanted to look away so bad, but my emotions took over me and all sensible thought left me.
Dan Humphrey was 15 feet away from me, half naked for the first time in years. If it happened to you, you would forget everything else too!
"Serena," He said quietly, "What'd you do with my clothes?"
"Oh my gosh!" I exclaimed, jumping up, "I'm so sorry. I washed them for you but I got distracted and forgot to bring them back. One second!"
I scolded myself as I ran into another room and grabbed his clothes.
"Here you go," I said, walking up the bottom few steps to reach him.
"Thanks," he said, "And I made it just fine in the shower, thanks for asking."
I ignored him cause I knew he was joking.
"You're clothes don't smell like Chuck anymore, you're welcome," I replied.
"Whatever will I do," he replied sarcastically, "I've missed Chuck."
I rolled my eyes and turned to walk back down the steps.
Now that Dan wasn't drunk anymore, his sense of humor was coming back. And yes, that was making it even harder for me to not get attached to him. I just had to keep telling myself that he wasn't here to stay, I couldn't get used to him.
Within the next hour, Dan got dressed and ready and I had ordered some breakfast. We ate together and we were now sitting in my living room. I had decided to sit across from him. It was easier that way.
"So Dan," I said, "Tell me about working for that newspaper, and the stories you worked on through college."
"What about it?" he replied, with a smile, "You know pretty much everything about it. We were together for 3 of the years I worked there."
"What happened afterward though?" I asked quietly, "After you left and…disappeared."
Dan was quiet for a second, and I was afraid I had gone too far. But I just needed to know before the rest of my plan took place.
"I'm sorry," I said, "I shouldn't have asked you – "
"Serena its ok," Dan assured me, "I'm not gonna freak out or lose it again. And besides, after everything you've done for me, not just last night, but my whole life, you deserve to know."
"Well, I'll tell you what I think first," I said, "From what you told me, I don't think you're entirely at fault. You stopped talking to your dad because you didn't want to disappoint him."
"And now that I haven't talked to him in three years, I think it's pretty obvious that he'll hate me," Dan countered.
"You're dad will never hate you," I told him, "And I know deep down you don't really believe that he would."
"But Nate and Vanessa," he went on, "And Jenny. They ignored me too."
"Dan, didn't you ignore them too?" I asked, "They stopped talking to you when you stopped talking to them."
"Yeah."
"I think it's pretty obvious that they miss you too," I said, "They don't hate you. They just wanted to respect you. If you didn't want to see them, they were gonna let you be. You miss them though right. You want to see them?"
Dan remained quiet for a second before turning his head up to look at me.
"That's one thing I want," he admitted quietly.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked after a brief pause, "About what happened...to us?"
Dan broke our eye contact to stare at down at his hands.
"I wouldn't know where to start," he admitted, "We were never the best at talking about our relationship."
"How about we start the day we broke up," I suggested, "Do you remember it?"
He scoffed, sitting up so he could look at me again.
"Do I remember it?" he asked, "Like it was yesterday. But if we only talk about that day it will look like it was all your fault. If we back up some I can take some of the blame."
It sounded harsh, but the grin on his face and tone of his voice assured me he was joking. Even through all of this he still had that same sense of humor.
"So, when did it start?" I urged.
"Do you remember," Dan started, "Do you remember when my mom died?"
"Yeah," I replied quietly, thinking back, "During our freshmen year at college."
"Yeah," he agreed, "There was the long case to find out what happened."
"It lasted months," I added, trying to help him through it, "And they discovered it was a fluke accident."
I could sense the frustration from six years ago growing in Dan as he talked about it.
"After all of the time, and the pain, and the investigating," he went on, "They declared it an accident."
"Yeah," I remembered, "You were happy. Your dad, Jenny, and even you. You were glad no one was after you."
"You're right," he continued, "We were as happy as we could be after losing her. But anyway I had you and I had a good job with the newspaper and I was working on a full length novel."
"You were going to be the next Spielberg or Tolkein," I said, remembering it would always annoy him when I compared him to author's that weren't his favorites."
"I would have been better than them," he added, playing along with our old bantering, "So we all thought."
"What happened, Dan?" I urged, "Your mom's death was devastating, but that was three years before we broke up."
"But it wasn't until three years later that all that pain from the investigation meant nothing," he told me, "Do you remember the first day of summer after our Junior year at college?
I felt pain pierce through me. Not only because of the look on Dan's face but because I remembered that night perfectly.
Dan had finished a short story that was published in magazines. The summer was about to start, I was back home and we were ready for a great summer together. We hadn't seen each other in a few weeks, but he was coming home from NYU and spending his first night with me. He told me he was going to pick up some reviews from the post office and he'd meet me at my house.
"You said," I started, "That you'd be back and we'd celebrate. You told me if I waited up for you, you'd make it worth my while."
"Jackass move number 1," Dan said sadly, "Remember?"
"Yeah," I replied, "You didn't come back."
"And I didn't even tell you why," he said.
"The next day, you told me nothing worked out the right way," I said, "And that there was a misunderstanding with one of your pieces."
"That was an understatement," he said, continuing to beat himself up over whatever happened.
"Dan," I whispered, "What happened that night?"
"It wasn't just that night," he admitted, "But that's when it started. I didn't just pick up reviews that night. There was an envelope for me. It was addressed from….Alison Humphrey."
Dan broke off and gripped his hair again.
Something inside of me took control of my body. I got off the couch and walked slowly across the room. I sat down right next to Dan and took his hand.
"It's ok," I assured him, giving his hand a squeeze, though my insides were losing control "What was in the envelope?"
"Pictures," he spit out, "Of my mom. She was in some room and she looked rough. I could tell she'd been in there for a few days. There were notes written by some creep leaving clues on where she was. They were addressed to Alex."
"Wait, wasn't that your mom's neighbor?" I asked softly.
Dan nodded, "The one she left my dad for. But anyway, long story short there was a number for me to call. I called it that night and Alex answered. He told me the whole case was wrong and that whoever those pictures came from had killed her. He had wanted to contact me sooner but the creep who did it had him on constant surveillance. It took him three freakin years to get out of that guys control!"
Dan broke off and I couldn't imagine how hard it must be for him to tell me this story.
"You don't need to go into all the details," I told him, "I'm so sorry."
"No," he replied, "I want to tell you. A few days later is when I disappeared. I went to see Alex, I searched, followed the clues and I couldn't find the creep anywhere. Until I realized he was hiding in plain sight. He was the Bart Bass equivalent in cities all across America. If you lived in a city where he did business, you knew his name. I told Alex and the two of us went after the creep one night. He was always surrounded my body guards but Alex is a genius and we had him cornered one night. The bastard didn't recognize either of us. That's how little his dealings with my mom and meant to him. A body guard had grabbed Alex while we were chasing the guy but not before he had slipped me a gun. I could've ended it right there."
Terrifying images flew through my mind. The pain and suffering I went through when I thought I had killed someone gripped me and I prayed that Dan hadn't been drowning in that same pain.
"I didn't do it," he said, "Reading the look on my face. I let him get away. But even weirder is, he let me get away. But not before he could utter the two things that will forever be etched in my mind. He stood above me surrounded by guys who could bash my head in. 'I'm gonna let you go,' he told me, 'Cause I think it will cause you more suffering knowing you couldn't avenge your dear mom and that if you do take any actions against me you're dear dad and sister will suffer the same fate. And I think you'd also be interested to know, turns out we were never after your mom or Alex anyway, it was all a misunderstanding."
I don't know how long we sat there. With my arms wrapped around him, trying to comprehend everything he had been through. It was absolutely crazy and I couldn't think of a thing to say.
"There is absolutely no reason for you to feel like shit about yourself," I managed after a good ten minutes, "You did everything you could and more. Killing him would not have helped you, Dan. And you know that I know that first hand. No one would blame you because some psycho targeted you."
"It's irrelevant," he persisted, "But it did make me the most selfish guy I know. I stopped caring about the good, and I focused on the bad shit. I felt sorry for myself. I wallowed in my pity and everything else became second in my life. Even you. I became obsessed with all the reasons that my life sucked. I didn't understand why some people had it all, and I couldn't even face my family. Being around them meant keeping a secret I didn't want so I made it easier on myself by forgetting them and introducing myself to a bottle of liquor."
"That's when you started - "
"Missing dates?" he finished for me, "Blowing you off? You were exactly right when you broke up with me. I had stopped putting effort into the relationship. It was all take and I never gave you anything. And Serena a day doesn't go by that I don't regret it. I promised you I'd treat you right. I wanted to. And walking away from me is what I deserved. And you deserved so much better and I can never tell you how sorry I am."
"Dan stop," I demanded, "If you want to get passed this all this regret has to go. You can never move on, if you don't forgive yourself first."
We sat in silence for a moment, each taking in what the other had said. Dan was about to speak again when my doorbell rang.
I could see surprise appear on his face.
"Are you expecting someone?"
I hope none of you are disappointed with how serious things were in this chapter. I just feel that for Dan to turn into what he is in this story, something serious had to go down. Please let me know what you think!