-o-o-o- Blueberry Hill -o-o-o-
Disclaimer: I don't own 'Naruto' and I don't make any money from these writings.
A/N: Thanks to everyone who has read so far, faved and/or reviewed!
So sorry for the slow updates: I graduated, then I got a job, and then I got an even better job! Life has kept me busy…
Okay, this chapter might be a bit weird. A warning for a sad Naruto. I mean, it won't be that bad but he can't be happy all the time.
-o-o-o-
Chapter 3: Hollow
-o-o-o-
It was Friday morning already, and Kankuro groaned. He had endured another poorly slept night. The brunette was under his black velvety blanket, wishing it was still night and he would have a lot of time to catch sleep. He had many things going on in his mind, and the most burning one concerned his sexual health.
For six months now, or perhaps a year already, it had been hard for him to get off on anything.
The usual things that had turned him on until now didn't do much to him nowadays. His latest sexual relationship had ended about two months ago. The whole thing hadn't lasted long, partly thanks to his inability to get turned on by the woman. There had been nothing wrong with her, she had been beautiful and lovely, yet he hadn't felt 'right' with her. Kankuro felt like there was always something missing in his relationships with other people.
There were days when he felt so emasculated, even castrated that he feared he would never be his normal self again. A wave of embarrassment washed over him as he remembered all the times when he had lost his erection during sex. Before, that had never happened. It was as if there was something missing and Kankuro couldn't quite pinpoint what it was.
Groaning again, Kankuro discarded the blanket and got up from the bed.
In the bathroom, he stared at himself in the mirror and noticed that a few more lines had appeared under his eyes, thanks to the sleepless night. Ignoring the notice, he stepped into the shower. Every morning, he used to have a hard-on but during the past year, things had changed.
When had he jerked off the last time? It had to be a week ago. His sexual appetite just was so capricious, he couldn't help it. Gently, he took hold of his limp member but he didn't feel anything: not good or bad.
God, what was wrong with him?
He admitted that for the last year, he had felt more stressed at work, mostly because his workmates had changed, and this in turn had changed the atmosphere. But it was nothing he couldn't handle. His new workmates were quite nice actually, even though they were different than the old ones.
-o-o-o-
It was six o'clock now in the evening and Kankuro was in the bus terminal, waiting for the 18G like any given weekday. It was October now, and the raining had decreased a lot since September. Today was another chilly day with a bright sky and no rain.
Peacefully, Kankuro was minding his own business, when a thought of Naruto crossed his mind. It had been another two weeks since he had seen the kid. He wondered how the boy was doing. Naruto had called him once or twice but he hadn't answered the phone. Kankuro just wasn't sure if it was okay to hang out with the boy.
Maybe they weren't meant to be friends, after all.
Maybe he should forget the cheerful blond.
"Fag!" somebody shouted and then some people laughed and Kankuro turned to see what the ruckus was all about.
In the distance, he saw a small gang of people gathered around. He heard a slap, and then the people in the gang moved away, letting someone with a blue jacket and yellow blond hair fall to the ground. That someone reminded Kankuro about…
"Naruto!" he shouted, starting to walk rather quickly to the direction of the people.
Naruto held his sore cheek on the ground, when one member of the gang grabbed the front of his jacket and pulled him standing. In the distance, the blond heard his name being called, but he had no time to think about it when another hit came. This time, he didn't fall to the ground but remained standing on his feet.
"What the hell is happening here!?" came a forthcoming and stern voice behind Naruto's back, and the blond instantly recognized the speaker. In a second, he felt so pitiful and weak, and ashamed because Kankuro was now witnessing of him being bullied and ridiculed.
Quickly, Kankuro moved to stand in front of Naruto, shielding the blond. Very angrily, he stared at the gang of four bullies.
"He's got a boyfriend!" one of them whispered to another, and this caused Kiba's expression to turn into a disgusted one. In Kiba's opinion, there was nothing more disgusting than gay people.
"Shut up!" Kankuro said heatedly, not feeling any mercy at all towards these pitiful excuses of human beings. How dared they hurt someone as innocent and as friendly as the blond! "And you better leave Naruto alone!"
"Move away," Kiba said back to the brunette, "This is none of your business!" After saying that, Kiba tried to get past Kankuro to grab a hold of Naruto. Kankuro however, saw that coming and blocked the teenager's attempt with one hand.
"I told you to stay away from Naruto," Kankuro said in a low and dangerous voice, staring daggers at the brown haired teenage bully.
"Well you're not the boss of me," Kiba barked back and shoved the older man to the chest.
Kankuro swayed a bit but was now becoming even angrier. He wouldn't let someone as pitiful as a bully shove him around! Cool rage filled him, and eyes shining like there was fire in them, he grabbed Kiba's front and saw that the bully's eyes reflected fear for a short moment.
"If I ever catch you hurting Naruto again, you will regret you were ever even born," Kankuro spoke in a stern voice and then pushed Kiba to the ground. The brown haired bully let out an 'oof' as his back and behind connected with the hard asphalt.
Stumbling, Kiba got up, a defeated look in his eyes. However, the look quickly changed into an angry one, and the bully turned to see Naruto, who was curiously peeking from behind Kankuro's back.
"You got out of it this time, fag but the next time your boyfriend isn't around, we'll get you," Kiba made a promise, pointing his finger at the blond. Then, he turned to his fellow gang members and said, "Come on, let's go."
Obeying the order of their leader, the three gang members followed Kiba in silence. Once they were gone, Kankuro turned around to see Naruto.
"Are you alright?" the brunette asked, a gentle look in his eyes.
"Yeah, I'm alright," Naruto answered, absentmindedly touching his sore cheek. It would surely get swollen afterwards and it saddened him. Also, the fact that the brunette now knew that he was being bullied made him heartsick.
Kankuro turned to see that the 18G had just arrived at the platform. He ignored it, however, for he had now more important things to do than going home. With a comforting voice, he said, "Don't care about what they said."
"Uh… I never do," Naruto lied, looking down at the tips of his orange sneakers.
The brunette evaluated the blond for a moment and couldn't help but notice that the familiar sorrow was in the boy again. He was quite sure that Naruto took everything they said straight into his heart.
"Naruto," Kankuro said, still looking gently at the boy who didn't seem to want to meet his eyes.
"Yeah?" Naruto replied, lifting his face to see his friend. Usually, he liked to meet people's eyes but at this moment, he felt like avoiding the look Kankuro was giving him. He was afraid he would find pity shining in the black eyes.
"How long have they been doing that?" the brunette asked in a worried voice.
"For about over a year now," the blond answered truthfully, looking down again.
He was ashamed that he had let the bullying continue for so long but he didn't know what he could do to stop it. It was always him alone against three to six bullies. He was quite sure that if only he could talk to Kiba, everything could be settled. But that never happened, for Kiba was keen on letting his fists talk whenever Naruto was around.
Kankuro nodded in understanding. He wished there could be something comforting he could say to the boy but instead, he found nothing to say. He alone couldn't stop the bullying, neither could Naruto and he wasn't sure what could be done.
"Have you told anyone?" Kankuro asked.
"…No," Naruto said uneasily. He didn't want to tell anyone, it was bad enough that Kankuro knew now. There just wasn't anything anyone could do, he was sure of it.
"Maybe you should tell someone," the brunette replied, looking at the boy in a serious manner.
"I don't think I should, I can handle it," Naruto said, feeling very uncomfortable. He felt ashamed because the brunette had found out one of his weaknesses. He felt so weak and pitiful, and he hated that.
"But what if someday, you can't?" Kankuro asked. He hadn't much experience about bullying but he knew that it was often bound to get worse. Once again, he was worried about his friend.
"Let's change the subject," Naruto said, looking away.
Kankuro couldn't see the blond's blue eyes but he was sure that the familiar sadness lingered in them, again. "Alright, but you can always talk to me about it. I wish I could help," the brunette said, feeling helpless.
"Thanks," Naruto muttered but didn't meet the older man's eyes. "You did enough today, thanks for that."
"It was nothing. Any friend would've done that," Kankuro replied, staring at the boy.
At the words, Naruto turned to see the brunette. The blond was thankful that he had someone as nice as a friend.
"Where would you like to go?" Kankuro asked, as the silence between them continued until it started to feel awkward. He wasn't sure what he should do now, or what he should say. Maybe if they went somewhere it would make Naruto feel less sad.
Unsurely, Naruto took out his green frog purse from the pocket of his bag and counted the coins. He fiddled with the coins for a moment and then put the frog purse back into the bag. The truth was, he didn't have much money to go to anywhere but he didn't want to say that. He was afraid Kankuro would offer to pay for them and Naruto was sure that, for the time being, the brunette would get tired of always paying for the both of them.
"Would you like to go to the museum?" Kankuro asked, when the boy didn't say anything.
Naruto seemed to be in his own little world, so the brunette continued speaking. "There's now an exhibition about Konoha's most famous photographers. Well there aren't more than three people that are famous but still, the exhibition could be something worth to see."
"I don't get art," Naruto made an excuse. The truth was he didn't have the spare money. He looked away for a moment, thinking. Then, he turned his blue eyes to the brunette.
"Could we go to my place?" Right now, he didn't want anything more than to calm down and take a hot, relaxing shower to get rid of the unpleasant tension.
"To your place?" Kankuro repeated, his eyebrows rising. "What would we be doing in there?"
"I'll make tea for us. And I have some instant noodles," Naruto replied. He knew he didn't have much to offer but it was better than nothing.
"Oh… Alright," Kankuro accepted. He didn't find the boy's home very cozy or inviting but since Naruto wanted to go there, who was he to say no.
They took the next bus to Meadowville, the district where Naruto lived in. Meadowville was a little larger district than Blueberry Hill and had more population. The area didn't have only apartment buildings but a few cafés, grocery shops, hairdressers and a library, which was located right next to the orphanage.
Naruto led them to his apartment, and being polite, let Kankuro enter first.
"Well, home sweet home," Naruto sighed as he closed the door behind him and turned on the lonely light bulb that hung from the roof. They took off their shoes and put their jackets on the rack.
Kankuro didn't know where to settle so he remained standing near the door. Naruto noticed this and spoke with amusement in his voice, "You can sit down on the bed, it's made and all. But I have to warn you, my mattress isn't as soft as yours."
Nodding, the brunette walked the short distance to the bed and did as he was told. Now that it was past six o'clock in the evening and the sun had almost set. It was dark in this little apartment, too. The dark brown walls seemed to absorb the little amount of light that the bulb shone around.
"I'll go to the shower now, if you don't mind," Naruto said, breaking the silence. God how he wanted hot water to caress his skin and take his worries down to the drain.
"Alright, I can make some tea for us in the meanwhile," Kankuro offered, wishing he wouldn't have to just sit still and wait while the boy was taking a shower.
"If you want to, it's fine to me," Naruto said, smiling a little. Then, he went into the little bathroom and closed the door behind him.
Taking off his clothes, Naruto watched himself in the small mirror on the wall. His cheek was swollen and it hurt, and the more closely he looked, the more it seemed that a little bruise was already forming on the surface. Sighing, Naruto stepped under the shower and turned it on. In a second, warm water embraced him, and it felt so good.
'Now I let the sad happenings of today slide off of me, down to the drain,' Naruto thought, and it was like a mantra he repeated in his head. Slowly but steadily, he felt his tension go off, and he was overcome by a peaceful state. He spent a few more minutes than necessary under the hot shower, making sure he felt overall better now than before.
He dried himself on a brown towel that was quite soft. However, it couldn't compare to the towel he had used at Kankuro's place. Clean and dry, he changed into new underwear he had brought with him. The dirty clothes he dropped into the hamper. Just to be sure, he sprayed some deodorant on himself: he wanted to smell fresh. When he was all dressed up, he opened the bathroom door, letting all the steam out. Even the little bathroom mirror was fogged thanks to the steam, and Naruto was happy, for now he didn't have to see his swollen cheek.
"The tea is soon brewed," Kankuro informed Naruto, as the blond exited the bathroom. When the boy came to stand next to him, to see what kind of tea he was brewing, Kankuro could smell a strong scent of cedar. It was a rather good scent, and Kankuro inhaled a little more deeply than he intended to. It was a manly scent, yes but he somehow liked it very much.
"So you chose tea with a blackcurrant flavor?" Naruto stated, smiling a little. It was his favorite, and he thought it was funny how the brunette had picked just this flavor out of many others.
"Yeah, I thought it would be good. I haven't tasted it before," Kankuro replied, giving a small smile of his own.
They drank tea and chatted in the dim lighting of the room. It was almost pitch-dark now outside. The sun had set long ago, and the faint glimmer of streetlamps shimmered into the apartment. Naruto was talking animatedly, a big grin on his face, and Kankuro couldn't help but feel relieved that the blond was back to his cheerful self, not haunted by the bullying so much anymore.
"What are you going to do tomorrow?" Naruto asked, his blue eyes bright and friendly.
Tomorrow was Saturday and Kankuro hadn't planned on doing anything. Maybe he would go to visit his brother, Gaara, or invite him over to his place. "Why do you ask?" the brunette questioned.
"Oh…" Naruto looked down. "It's nothing. I just… I just kind of…" he trailed off.
"I have a birthday tomorrow," he finally sputtered out, still looking away.
"Your birthday? So you'll turn 17?" Kankuro was surprised.
"Yeah," Naruto only said. He had one more year of high school left, and hopefully after that, the bullies would be out of his life.
"Well how would you like to celebrate it?" Kankuro asked, feeling that he would have to be with him, since Naruto didn't seem to have any other plans.
Blue eyes turned to see Kankuro and slowly, a friendly smile appeared on the whiskered face. "You want to hang out with me tomorrow?" Naruto asked, having his hopes up.
"Yeah… Why not?" Kankuro reasoned, scratching the back of his head. He hadn't many plans for Saturday anyway and it was rather pleasant to hang out with the boy. Now that he knew Naruto was being bullied, he felt even more sympathy for him than before. It had really strengthened the bond between them, at least on Kankuro's part.
"Thanks!" Naruto said, his eyes turning into thin slits as he grinned. To know that the brunette would be there to celebrate his birthday with him made him very happy. He had spent his previous birthdays with the people of the orphanage, and he was glad that this year, there would be a change. It was not that he disliked them, but he just wanted some excitement and fun for a change. And he felt somewhat drawn to Kankuro, after all.
Kankuro looked at the boy, and then an idea hit him. "And because tomorrow is your birthday, I think I'll have a surprise for you!" It wasn't going to be anything that would send shock waves through the world but it would be better than nothing. He didn't have a gift for the boy, and now it was too late to get one.
"A surprise?" Naruto asked, baffled. Kankuro had a surprise for him, so soon? "What kind of surprise would it be?"
"You'll see tomorrow," the brunette promised, smiling mysteriously. He wasn't going to reveal anything yet.
"Argh, you keep me in tension!" Naruto said in a happy way. In reality, he wasn't exasperated at all because he didn't know what would wait for him tomorrow. He felt really lucky that he had made a friend like Kankuro.
They chatted some more until the evening grew late. When Kankuro absentmindedly glanced at the clock on the wall and noticed it was 20:27 already. His eyes grew wider and he said, "Oh, it's so late already. I better get going." He wasn't sure on what time the blond usually got to bed but he felt like people of that age did it around nine.
"So soon?" Naruto asked, surprised, too. Time had flown nicely in good company.
"Soon? I've been here for two hours or more," Kankuro corrected, looking disbelievingly at the boy.
"Time flew fast," was all the blond said, as he looked at Kankuro putting on his shoes and jacket. Then, the brunette took his black bag from the floor.
"It sure did. See you tomorrow. I'll call you in the morning," Kankuro promised. Then, he bid goodnight to the blond and left.
Now with the brunette gone, Naruto sat down on the bed. It sure had been forever since he had felt this good in this apartment. But now that Kankuro wasn't here anymore, Naruto's happy feeling was slowly fading, as if loneliness was stealing it away. This wasn't new to him. He knew what loneliness was capable of.
Sighing, Naruto got up from the bed and turned off the light near the door. The room didn't drown in complete darkness, thanks to the faint shimmer of streetlamps. Easily, the blond found his way through the crepuscular room and lay down on the bed. He didn't even bother changing his clothes. He would try to sleep now, for he hadn't anything else to do. And by sleeping, tomorrow would come sooner.
He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, as if he was able to catch Kankuro's pleasant scent of musk that surely still lingered in the room. At lonely moments like this, it was always hard to catch sleep. It usually took Naruto a long time before he would finally fall asleep, and that's why he often overslept in the mornings. But because the pleasantness of Kankuro's visit still floated in the air, the blond was now calmer and more relaxed and it created a better ground for a deep sleep.
Soon, the final thoughts slipped away from Naruto's consciousness and he fell into the world of dreams.
-o-o-o-
With a jolt, Naruto woke up, eyes wide.
There were cold drops of perspiration on his forehead and he shivered. Also, the bed sheets were slightly damp from sweat.
With fright, Naruto's head snapped into the direction where he was sure he'd seen movement just mere seconds ago. However, there was nothing there, just shadows and darkness. He stared keenly at the spot, as if forcing himself to see something that wasn't there.
Letting out a cautious breath, Naruto momentarily closed his eyes, only to open them again soon after. Everything was alright now. It had been just another nightmare.
Always after these nightmares, Naruto's senses were extremely sharp. He could now clearly smell the musk from before, but his own sweat, too. And somewhere in the middle, a scent of cedar wafted into his nose. The nightmares always made him jumpy and frightened. He hated that he had to wake up from them alone.
There was never anyone by his side, no one who would comfort him.
Running a shaky hand through his messy hair, Naruto got up from the bed. The only sounds he heard were the tick of the clock and his own heart beating. In the bathroom, he sprayed some deodorant on himself, to cover the scent of perspiration. In the mirror he saw his own image, pale and gaunt. He flapped his palms against his cheeks, to make color appear on his skin.
But the color didn't turn up and the image in the mirror stared back at him, gloomy and dull. His blue eyes didn't shine, they just stared, empty and hollow.
Lowering his gaze, Naruto walked out of the bathroom. He glanced at the clock and decided it wasn't too late yet. This loneliness, cheerlessness and darkness that lingered in this apartment were too much for him at the moment. They were too harsh a contrast compared to the happy and tingling feeling he had had when Kankuro had been around. Everything had been so wonderful with the brunette here. Now, there was just a dull ache of loneliness.
This ache was too familiar to Naruto. He knew it could overpower him and eventually drown him into a horrible sea of desperation. Sometimes he wondered why he wasn't in the convulsions of depression already, for the life he lead really offered good circumstances for that. But there was always something positive he saw in the situations he was in, and that kept him from drowning. His in-born optimism and his ability to see the silver lining in most things were his salvation.
But now, none of that seemed to help him.
He was sad, and the thoughts he could usually brush off rather easily were now glued to his mind, unable to be exorcized. He stared out of his little window, into the night. He concentrated on the streetlamps, and how they illuminated their immediate surroundings.
Kankuro was like that light to him, Naruto decided then.
The brunette was what kept the darkness at bay, even if it was for short moments at a time. Of course the blond fought the blackness himself, too but it was different. His own self-made fake happiness sometimes got him out of sad thoughts but it was just that, fake. Kankuro brought him real happiness.
Making up his mind, Naruto turned away from the window and went to the drawer. He rummaged through one chest for a moment, until he found a black long-sleeved shirt. He normally didn't wear shirts of that color but now, things weren't what he considered normal. He discarded himself of his sweaty orange shirt and threw it to the bed, then put on the black shirt. Oh how the color matched his feelings at the moment. The shirt suited his black jeans nicely, too. He ran a comb through his yellow spiky hair, and put the thing in his back pocket. From the rack, he grabbed his blue jacket and put it on, knowing he would be greeted with chilly night air the moment he opened the door. He also took a little flashlight from the kitchenette cupboard and put it in his pocket. Finally, he picked up his bag from the floor and left.
The walk to the bus stop wasn't long but the coldness of the air made Naruto shiver. He remembered that the bus 67 drove around the route between Blueberry Hill and Meadowville, and so he waited for the bus to come.
Once on the bus, Naruto stared out of the window, careful at not glancing at his own reflection in the glass. He wondered if what he was doing was sheer madness. A tiny voice in his mind told him that he was being impudent and crazy but he tried to smother the voice.
He needed company, he needed it in order to get rid of the saddening thoughts that were planted into his head. His sad mood had started when the bullies had taken him as their prey again but in Kankuro's presence, he had been momentarily able to let go of the sadness. The nightmare, however, had brought the sad thoughts back into his head again, reinforcing the lugubriousness.
At the familiar stop, he got off and started to walk to the direction of Kankuro's house. When the blacktopping of the road ended, it was also the end of the streetlights. Taking out the little flashlight from his pocket, he turned it on so that he could see where he was walking.
At the brunette's door, Naruto put his hand on the doorbell's button.
Should he really do it? Was this sheer craziness?
His body seemed to have a mind of its own, however, because before Naruto could even realize, his finger had pushed the button. Well, there was no going back now.
After half a minute (Naruto really counted the seconds) the door opened, revealing a sleepy looking Kankuro. His brown hair wasn't stylishly messy anymore, it was just messy, and there was no kohl in his eyes. Also, the brunette was wearing something that the blond thought was his nightclothes.
"Naruto? What are you doing here?" Kankuro asked, baffled. He blinked his eyes, sleepily.
"Uh… I…" Naruto found it hard to explain why he indeed was here, at this ungodly hour. What could he say without sounding pitiful? This whole situation felt awkward now, and he hadn't foreseen that coming.
"Come on in," Kankuro said finally, when no intelligible answer came from the blond. Just moments ago, he had been finally asleep, after a few nights of insomnia. Now he was more than baffled at why Naruto was at his door at this time of the night, dressed in dark colors and looking miserable.
Naruto followed the brunette inside and closed the door behind him. It was dark in the house otherwise but near the bed, a little lamp on the wall was turned on. It cast rather pleasant shadows to the room. Those shadows weren't gloomy like the ones at his home, Naruto decided. From between the curtains, a light from the moon shone in. Overall, the dim atmosphere in the room was very comfortable in Naruto's opinion.
Kankuro ran a hand over his face. A glance at the clock told it was around midnight.
"Is there something wrong, Naruto?" he then asked with worry in his voice, his attention back on the blond again.
Naruto was standing near the sink, having his jacket and shoes still on, staring down to his feet. At home and on the bus he hadn't really thought what he would tell to Kankuro. He had only concentrated on his burning need of company. All he had really been thinking was how good and nice it would feel around the brunette. Now that he was here, though, the words didn't come easily.
"I just… I had a nightmare and then… I was feeling very sad and I couldn't brush it off," Naruto finally explained in a quiet voice, not meeting the brunette's eyes. He was afraid he would anger the older man because he was now here, intruding everything.
Kankuro evaluated the blond for a moment and took in the submissive tone of voice the boy had used. The blond's hands were limply hanging on his sides, and the usual cheerful and energetic aura didn't radiate from the boy at the moment.
"I'm sorry for coming here. I didn't know where else to go," Naruto continued suddenly, using the same acquiescent voice as before.
"Hey," Kankuro began, "It's alright," even though he wasn't sure if it was. But he couldn't say something like that, that wouldn't comfort the saddened blond at all. He was very poor at consoling people but he had to try. He tried to come up with something that would make Naruto feel better. "Would you like to have hot cocoa?"
"Huh?" Naruto asked a little baffled. He turned his gaze to the black eyes that held a gentle look. "Okay," he finally replied.
Glad that the boy had accepted, Kankuro set himself into preparing the hot drink. To him, it was easier to show his care for people indirectly, through little things and gestures, than directly through words. Silence fell over them, and Naruto remained rooted to the spot, near the sink. Kankuro evaluated him from the corner of his eye, and when the boy didn't even quiver a muscle, he spoke. "You can take off your shoes and jacket."
"Oh," Naruto seemed to wake up from his trance-like state. Absentmindedly, he did as he was told but remained to stand where he had been standing earlier, near the sink. He didn't dare to sit down on the bed now that it was unmade.
"Naruto," Kankuro began, putting the cocoa into the microwave oven. "What was the nightmare about?" He knew it was risky to ask but he felt that if he knew what the dream had been about, he could comfort the boy better.
"I don't want to talk about it," Naruto said after some consideration. He didn't want to tell what things in particular made him this sad. He didn't want to appear pitiful.
"I understand," Kankuro said, accepting his defeat. He tried to imagine what people usually asked or talked in situations like these. Forcing his brain to think, Kankuro really tried hard to come up with something intelligent to say.
"How do you feel now?" was all he could think of.
Naruto turned to look at the brunette and to Kankuro, the blue eyes looked duller than usual. It worried him but he didn't know how he should show his concern. It was then the microwave oven beeped and Kankuro took out the mug. He stirred the drink with a spoon and then stepped closer to the boy, draping the mug towards him. "Here you are."
"Thanks," Naruto said quietly, accepting the gesture of kindness. Then, he remembered what the brunette had asked and answered, "I'm feeling better, I guess." And it was true: the lugubriousness was slowly but steadily dissolving now when he was with the brunette, who was being friendly to him again.
"That's nice to hear," Kankuro said, leaning on the kitchenette counter. Then, he couldn't think of anything to say so he chose to stay quiet, even though it wasn't the best option in his opinion.
"Kankuro…" Naruto began, lowering the mug from his lips. "I was wondering if it was possible in any way, that I… that I could spend the night here." When he saw the brunette's eyes widen, he hastily continued, "I mean I could sleep on the floor! I can sleep in the hall next to the shoes, I don't care!"
"Naruto…" Kankuro said, looking unsurely at the boy.
"Let me stay!" the blond pleaded, hating how pitiful he was. But the truth was he didn't want to go back home, not when everything there reminded him of sad times.
"Well…" Kankuro hesitated, not sure if he should give in now. "I can't let you sleep on the floor…" And it was true. The brunette didn't fancy the idea of sleeping on the floor himself but he couldn't let Naruto do it. It would be just plain rude to treat a guest like that. No matter if the said guest had invited himself over, without asking for permission…
"No, I won't accept it!" Naruto denied, his voice firm and serious. Now there was determination shining in the blue eyes. He wasn't going to back up now. "It's me who's going to sleep on the floor."
"But—" Kankuro began.
"No, no buts. Please, it's already too kind to let me stay, so it's only fair that I sleep on the floor so that you can take the bed," Naruto reasoned. He really didn't see himself deserving anything better. The bullying had really crumbled his self-respect.
"I don't know…" Kankuro hesitated, scratching his messy hair. He was debating in his mind what would be the right thing to do. Naruto sounded so submissive and pleading that Kankuro couldn't help but think if something more had happened than just a nightmare. Or was it that the blond just had an unhealthily low self-respect?
"I'm sorry," Naruto said suddenly, putting the now empty mug to the sink. "I shouldn't have come here in the first place."
"It was alright that you came," Kankuro said, even though he wasn't so sure at all. After that, he yawned involuntarily. He couldn't help it: he was just so tired for all the sleepless nights. He didn't want anything more than to continue sleeping in his own comfortable bed but it wasn't so simple. He didn't want to appear as a selfish host and let the boy sleep on the floor.
Naruto stared into the distance, thinking what to say. In a way, he had a solution to the problem of sleeping arrangements but he couldn't say it aloud. The solution was that they would share the bed and sleep next to each other but Naruto just knew that it could never happen. It would be too good to be true, ever. His excuse to why they could do it was that they were both guys, they could share a bed and be cool about it. Carefully, Naruto hid the fact that he was gay and that he couldn't look at the situation in a calm way.
As he saw Kankuro yawn again, he spoke, "Look, we should go to sleep now. You're obviously tired."
"I guess you're right," Kankuro said, taking the spare blanket that was folded on the floor next to the bed. He was about to settle down on the floor when Naruto took hold of the blanket.
"No, you're going to the bed. I'll sleep on the floor," the blond said, determined. He held the cover tightly, not intending to let go and let the matter be.
Slowly, Kankuro loosened his hold on the blanket, a studying yet defeated look in his eyes. As he saw Naruto sit on the floor and spread the rug over himself, Kankuro thought that the problem was solved now, even though he wasn't happy with the solution. Lying down on the bed, the brunette turned to look at the blond who had leant his head on the drawer.
"Good night," Kankuro said.
"Sleep well," Naruto responded, happy that he had gotten his way. At the moment, sleeping on Kankuro's floor felt a hundred times more comfortable than being home, alone, on his lumpy mattress.
The brunette turned off the little lamp on the wall, letting the night fall over them.
It didn't take long for Kankuro to fall asleep, whereas Naruto stayed awake a little longer. But in the comfortable atmosphere, the blue-eyed blond soon drifted off to sleep, too.
-o-o-o-
For the second time that night, Naruto woke up.
He had experienced an unpleasant dream which however couldn't be labeled as a nightmare. But the revolting feelings didn't leave him be even though the dream had now dissolved. This wasn't new to him. He was used to be woken up by the nightly images but he just hadn't believed he would dream of something unpleasant in Kankuro's presence.
Talking about the brunette, Naruto could make out at the twilight that Kankuro was fast asleep, his even breathing audible in the otherwise silent room. Even though it was dark, Naruto could easily see how peaceful the man looked like, as if nothing in the world worried him.
Gulping, Naruto discarded himself of the blanket and as quietly as possible, stood up. He was feeling sad again thanks to the dream even though he tried his best to chase away the thoughts. The familiar hollowness was gnawing at his soul, making him feel empty, meaningless and unlovable. In some days, he believed that he really was those things. This hollowness that lived inside of him was like a monster and it got more powerful whenever Naruto was feeling down.
It was like his personal beast, a demon that had been planted inside of him since birth.
This hollowness made him feel unworthy. It made him believe that he deserved all the bullying and name-calling. And the worst thing was it made him feel like he didn't deserve to be loved, much less than appreciated, for who he was. Often he felt like he was only an empty shell in danger of breaking. So, Naruto often did whatever he could to drive away this empty and destructive feeling, knowing that if it overpowered him, he could drown into the black sea of depression.
As he took the first step towards the bed, he knew that what he was doing was nothing but plain madness.
But the dull ache inside of him pushed him forward, and so he was standing next to the bed, staring at the sleeping brunette. Naruto had never been good at avoiding trouble or danger. Gulping again, he lay down on the mattress, feeling it sink beneath his weight. A quick glance at Kankuro's face told him that the brunette was still sleeping. Relieved, Naruto took a comfortable position and let the man's body warmth radiate into his cold soul.
Kankuro looked so peaceful, so handsome. The brunette's deep breathing calmed Naruto down. Now he felt connected to another human being, however weak that bond was, and he could feel his shattered soul slowly beginning to repair itself. It was like Kankuro filled him with warm feelings, filling up the hollowness.
Some slurred words escaped the brunette's lips and for a moment Naruto was afraid the man would wake up. But to his luck, it didn't seem to happen. Sighing in relief, Naruto remained looking at the closed eyes.
What it would be like if someday Kankuro would return his feelings? What would it be like to someday be loved and held closely?
And what would it feel like to have mutual, warm feelings with somebody? With Kankuro?
Not letting his pessimistic side to remind him that this Kankuro here could be and probably was straight, Naruto kept on thinking. He looked at the brunette's hand that lay on the pillow next to his face, and wondered what it would feel like to be held in those strong arms. To be protected from the ever-present loneliness. To be loved by this beautiful brunette.
Naruto yawned, he was still tired. But he wouldn't let himself sleep, not when he was on the bed where he wasn't expected to be. If Kankuro woke up only to find Naruto lying next to him, he would surely be scared and confused. And Naruto didn't want to scare the brunette away, not when they had just met and befriended.
Yawning again, Naruto felt his eyelids grow heavier. He closed his eyes momentarily, just to rest them. He wouldn't let himself sleep.
It was then that Kankuro spoke in his sleep again, draping his arm forward, accidentally making his hand rest on Naruto's upper arm. From there, it slid lower to Naruto's waist and remained there. The blond was frightened that the man would wake up but when nothing else happened in many long moments, he was quite sure that the danger was over.
The spot where the brunette's warm hand touched Naruto felt like on fire. The touch was burning and it was melting away the hollowness, and Naruto was sure he was blushing in the darkness. His eyelids became even heavier, and when his eyes were closed, he could even see some pre-dreams already.
Trying to break free from the drowsy state, Naruto only succeeded in tiring himself more. No, he couldn't let himself sleep! He needed to get back to the floor so that he wouldn't get caught. But as he let his eyes close again momentarily, another pre-dream came over and without him realizing it, it turned into a full dream and he fell asleep.
-o-o-o-
A/N: I drew a picture about this chapter. See my profile for link.