Part 3 What's the Matter
"Crap, Crap, Crap…" Leonard walked into his office and sat behind his desk. "What am I going to do? I can't do this. What was I thinking?" He had his head in his hands and did not see or hear his office door being opened.
"Hmm-Hmm" Leonard jerked his head up startled and was surprised to see Jill standing in the doorway. "Talking to your self, that's not a good sign." She teased.
"Well, in the last couple of weeks, I've been the only person that I could talk to without feeling like I was lying to the person." Leonard responded.
"Well isn't that from your self-imposed secrecy?" she asked.
"I'm doing what's best for my friends. It'll be for the best in the long run."
"And just what are you basing that conclusion on?" she asked.
"Do you think that Penny would be any happier if I told her that I had dreamt that she would be the harbinger of my death? Or that her success was not based on her talent but on the fact that I called in a favor and promised to act as a technical consultant for the series she will be hired onto? Do you think Wolowitz would appreciate it if he knew that I talked with his mother and convinced her to call Bernadette and spend some time with her, so that she might give him a second chance?" Leonard paused for a moment and Jill slowly nodded her head from side to side. "And if this project goes through" he motioned to the paperwork on his desk, "Sheldon will get nine weeks of the apartment to himself."
Jill sat in the chair opposite to Leonard and asked, "So you make everybody happy except for Raj and your self."
"If you have any ideas for Raj, I'd be glad to hear them." Leonard said as he stood and began to pace behind his desk.
"I just might" she responded. "I have a friend back home that I think would be perfect for him. I think if we work in tandem, we may be able to get them together."
"But the minute they meet, he'll clam up and it will be nowhere but downhill from there." Leonard said with exasperation in his voice.
"I think I have a way around that. If I get him to meet 'Bobby Sue'" she said making air quotes, "by the time she makes her way out here he'll at least be partially comfortable with her and then a little extra deception, I'll have them walking down the isle or riding an elephant down it; whatever his people do."
"Sounds like a good start, can we talk about this more, later?" he asked. "These reports are about the kill me; I have to have them finished for a 9:00 a.m. video conference and it looks like I could be here all night. But it's Halo night and the guys are expecting me home with Thai food by eight."
"How about I help out there too? I can take your place in the game and let you slip out and get some more work done?" she offered. "I can hold my own at Halo, and I would love to meet your friends."
"You say that now, but once you meet them, you may regret it." He said with a grin. "I regret meeting them every day."
"I know better than that. They're your friends so you look past their faults and see them for their true selves. They are good friends to you too, if all the stories you have told me are true. Good friends are hard to come by. Hold onto them with everything you have."
"Well I hope that I can now count you as one of my good friends" Leonard said with a slight chuckle. "You'll be a jewel among hogs' ears if you will be my friend."
"I have been and always shall be, your friend" she said as she gave him the Vulcan salute.
"Oh, nice. I see you watched the Star Trek movies that I let you borrow." He sat back down at his desk. "But you do know, Spock said that as he was dying. It was meant as a goodbye."
"Yeah, but in the bigger scheme of the movie series, it was representative of the fact that not even death could separate friends. Spock knew that Kirk would still be his friend, no matter where his journey into the undiscovered country took him." Jill said.
"Nice reference, again" Leonard said impressed, "You must have gotten through the whole series. But now, I have a ton of paperwork. How about you come by after you get off and we will make the final plans for how things will work tonight. Sound okay?"
"Sure. I should be able to get away by 6:30 or 7:00 and that will give us plenty of time to pick-up food and make it back to the hall of justice by 'Halo Time'" she aid as she stood to exit Leonard's office. She turned just before she reached the door. "Leonard? I just want to make sure you realize, I said it in a joking and frivolous way, but I meant it. I am your friend and I consider you a friend. I will always be there for you."
Leonard stood and took the few steps that brought him to stand directly in front of Jill. In that moment he wondered why he had never realized how beautiful she was, and tall. She stood at least 3 inches taller than him and that fact was accentuated by the erect posture with which she carried herself. "Jill…" he started, but had to clear his throat. He wondered why his thoughts of friendship that he wanted to confirm were so hard for him. "Jill…" he started again. She lowered her eyes to his and held them there as if imprisoning him. "I have really come to treasure our friendship too. In the few short weeks I've known you, I have come to rely, maybe too much, on you. I'm sorry if I have been putting too much of my burdens on you. Its just nice to have someone that I can talk to about just about anything."
Jill laid a hand on his shoulder and said "Leonard, don't you think a second more about that. I…, I was going to say that after what you did for me, how could I not be there for you. But truth be told, whether I had gotten the job or not or hell if you hadn't even gotten me an interview, I have no doubt that we would have become fast friends. Now before we start getting all mushy, I've got to get back to work." With that she turned and walked out the door before Leonard could respond.
Penny had drawn the lunch shift at The Cheesecake Factory and the rush was finally beginning to slack off. She took advantage of the slowdown and attracted Bernadette's attention and beckoned her over to the bar area. As Bernadette approached, Penny asked her "So how were tips for you today?"
"Not bad, I had a table of college jocks and I raised my hemline a couple of inches and snagged a pretty good tip. Even though they did run their gutter mouths, but it was worth it for the tips. How 'bout you?"
"Miserable as usual. I don't know why people don't tip me as good as they do all the other waiters." Penny said. "Hey, I don't want to be nosey, but you don't seem your old chipper self today. Is something wrong?"
"Something strange happened this morning," Bernadette said in a low voice. "Howard's mother called me and asked if I would meet her for an early dinner today. She was pretty insistent and I finally agreed. I have no idea what she wants to talk to me about."
"I never did understand exactly why you and Howard broke-up; other than the fact that he's Howard." A chill ran down her spine with just the thought of a relationship with Howard.
"Howard, I agree, can be a handful, but he is really a nice guy deep down. I was really starting to fall for him until…" she paused, "well, when I saw how his mother treated him it upset me. I have parent issues myself, so maybe I'm not so tolerant of seeing others treated badly by their parents. Its just that every time I met her, I just wanted to rip her head off and crap down her throat." Penny's eyes grew wide and the venom in Bernadette's tone. "I know, I know, I shouldn't say things like that, but Howard is really just a frightened little boy doing his best to find someone to love him. If his mother loves him or ever did, she keeps it very well hidden."
"Well just promise me that I won't have to come and bail you out of jail for matricide" Penny joked.
"It would just be homicide. Matricide is the murder of your own mother. But I get your point." She grinned at Penny and added, "I'll make it look like an accident."
"So you see, if you teleported from here to say a moon base, it would not be the same you. The real you would be dissolved into atoms that would float off into the ether and the new you would be assembled from atoms at your destination. Even though you would be identical, down to the last molecule, you would be a separate entity." Leonard told Jill as they reached the third floor landing.
"But that doesn't answer my question" she said, "why does the elevator not work?"
"There was an incident a couple of years ago and the landlord company hasn't gotten around to fixing it." Leonard replied.
"Well someone should light a fire under their butts," she said as she reached up with her free hand and gingerly touched her left eye that was beginning to turn a deep purple. "It's been a long day and three flights of stairs isn't helping."
"I repeat my offer, I'll do the Halo thing and then finish my work afterwards," Leonard offered again. "I'm further along than I thought I would be. It won't be a problem."
"No, I'm actually stoked to play. I haven't played the newest version. None of the friends I've made out here are into first shooter video games. I haven't been able to play since I got discharged and returned stateside." They reached the fourth floor landing and Leonard handed one of the bags he was carrying to Jill so he could retrieve his key and open the door to apartment 4A. As they entered Jill saw three men whom she knew had to be Raj, Howard and Sheldon. She walked up to the man she assumed was Howard based on Leonard description of his outlandish fashion sense and said directly to him "Howard Wolowitz. I hereby serve notice. If at anytime I feel that you are coming on to me or you say anything in my presence that I deem lewd or repulsive; whether it is directed toward me or any other woman present, I will slice your manhood off with my combat knife and stuff it down your throat."
"Howard, I would like you to meet my friend Jill." Leonard placed his hand on Howard's shoulder and just smiled. "You see that black eye she's sporting? Three men came into Dr. Bambilina's office today to try and coerce her into turning over her research to the clients they represented. Out of the three of them, only one of them was able to land a punch when Jill intervened. Those three men are currently under arrest and will be going to prison as soon as they are able to leave the hospital." He turned toward Jill and smiled as he continued, "I suggest you take her seriously."
Howard sat down hard and just stared up at Jill. He made motions with his mouth but no sound came out. Sheldon came out of the trance he seemed to be in and said to Howard, "You're in my spot. You can't sit in my spot. Move out of my spot." His voice became more insistent with each declaration.
"Shut up, Sheldon. She just threatened my life. I would think that even you could overlook a small faux pas like sitting in your precious spot."
"She didn't threaten your life. She merely stated the criteria for you to continue living in the condition you currently exist. It is up to you to decide if those criteria will be maintained." Sheldon explained.
Jill turned her attention to Sheldon. "Don 't think you are getting off scot-free, Geek Boy. I have a bone to pick with you too. I understand that you have voiced the opinion that Leonard's, and to some extent Howard's and Raj's contributions to science, are not as relevant or extensive as your own." Sheldon bristled and started to speak but Jill cut him off. "I don't give a rat's ass about your opinion, and without any empirical data that is exactly what your opinion is. From what Leonard has told me; which he has backed up with documentation; he has been instrumental in confirming a number of theories from very respected scientist. You on the other hand, in the last four years have only set forth one major scientific idea and you have been unable to prove it, even with the help of your 'friends'." She turned and proceeded to shoo Howard out of Sheldon's seat and as he moved she sat in his seat. She turned her head to look directly at Sheldon and challenged him with her eyes to say anything.
"Leonard," Sheldon shrieked, "I need you in the kitchen".
Leonard took the few steps that brought him to stand in front of Sheldon. "Okay, say what you have to say. But just know, she is my friend and she's staying, whether you like it our not." Sheldon grunted and started to speak but Leonard continued, "I suggest that you get used to her."
"She's sitting in my seat, Leonard. No one sits in my seat" Sheldon said in a quivering voice.
"I bet, if you ask her nicely, she'll move and let you have your seat"
Sheldon looked at Leonard as if he had lost his mind. Then slowly he made his way over and stood above Jill, who just looked at him with a smirk on her face. With an attitude that was noticeably a façade, he said "Jill… Uhm, I was wandering… uhm… would you mind… uhm… letting me sit in my seat?"
Jill gave him a big smile and said, "Sure cupcake, I'd be glad to let you sit here." She stood and moved to a chair across from Sheldon's spot. He sat down quickly and looked relieved. "Now cupcake, will you do me a solid in return?"
"And of what would this 'solid' entail?" he asked.
"I would like you to tell each and every person in this room, excluding me, that you appreciate them and you value their friendship. Tell them why their friendship is important to you" she said, never taking her eyes off of him.
Leonard walked over and stood behind Jill and put his hand on her shoulder. "Jill, that's enough. We don't want to give him a seizure. Please, quit picking on Sheldon and let's eat so we can get to the Halo."
"Okay, bubba, I've had my fun. Don't worry Sheldon I won't make you do something that you obviously do not have the ability to do." She gave Sheldon a wicked smile like saying she had won; she had pushed him to his limits.
"Hold on just a second. Are you implying that I am unable to communicate to my friends any empirical data that proves that I am their friend?" he asked.
"Actions speak louder than words. I don't think you have any data that would lead me to believe that you have ever acted as a friend to anyone in this room," she taunted.
"Stop. Jill, stop now please. You're going too far. I want this line of conversation to cease." Leonard said and Jill nodded her head in the affirmative. "Sheldon, Jill is sorry. She apologizes for making you uncomfortable. Let's all just eat our food and we can start our Halo night."
Sheldon, Howard and Raj all just picked up their takeout containers and began to eat, but none of them took their eyes off this new force of nature that had become part of their lives.
Twenty minutes later Penny walked in still dressed in her waitress uniform. She stopped short when she saw the subdued look in the trio's eyes. "Okay, what's going on here?" she asked as she turned her attention toward Leonard.
"Penny, I would like to introduce Jill, my friend" he said gesturing toward Jill, "and Jill, this is my friend Penny"
Jill stood and met Penny halfway across the room. "Good to finally meet you Penny" Jill said as she proffered her hand to Penny who took it graciously.
"Good to meet you too. Leonard has told us all about you." She wrinkled her nose and squinted her eyes. "Something…something is… different." She glanced around the room and turned to look at Howard and Raj. She walked over to Leonard and said quietly "Howard isn't leering. Is something wrong?"
Leonard just smiled at her and said "Jill served him notice that he had better behave himself and Howard has taken it to heart." She gave him a questioning look. "Just enjoy it while you can."
"Whatever" she said. She walked over to the kitchen counter and picked up her takeout container, opened it and took a bite. "Would it have killed someone to put this in a warm oven to keep it warm."
"My bad" Jill said. "I think I got everybody riled up and they forgot."
"So…" Leonard said trying to derail any confrontation, "Let's get this Halo night started. Raj and I will team up against Sheldon and Howard." He looked at his watch. "I can play for about thirty minutes and then Jill will take my place, so I can go and get some work done."
"Work?" Penny questioned. "I was hoping you would help me run lines for my audition tomorrow. I don't understand exactly what my lines mean, they're all in technical terms and I was hoping you would explain them to me."
"Sorry Penny, but I have a conference call to prepare for and I have to have these reports ready to transmit by nine in the morning. I'm sure Howard and Raj would help you run lines."
"That's okay" she said dejectedly, "I'll get on the internet and google the terms I don't recognize."
Jill spoke up. "I know we sorta got off on the wrong foot, but I would be glad to help you out with running lines. Leonard was telling me a little about your show and if there is any military terminology, I might be able to help. Also, I'm a little bit of a sci-fi geek myself, I may be able to offer some suggestions about that aspect of the role too."
"Okay…" Penny said suspiciously and reluctantly, "that will be great. I could really use any help I can get."
"You're going to do great in your audition tomorrow, Penny. I have every confidence that you will be the next great Sci-Fi babe of the airways" Leonard said with a huge smile on his face as he sat down and picked-up his Halo remote.
"From your lips to God's ear" Penny said. But the game had started and no one save Jill had heard her impromptu prayer.
An hour later found Jill and Penny in apartment 4B. Penny handed Jill a beer and settled into a seat on the opposite end of the sofa and began to sip from a glass of lemonade.
"So Jill, now that we're away from the guys… Tell me a little bit about yourself" Penny inquired.
"Not much to tell. I grew up in a rural town in Alabama. When I turned eighteen, I joined the Navy. Did two tours of Shore Patrol, one in Iraq and one in Afghanistan. After my discharge, I wanted to be near the water, so I settled here in Pasadena. I met Leonard a while back and we became friends. That's my story in a nutshell."
"So.. you and Leonard?" Penny said softly.
"Are friends. He made it perfectly clear and I am of the same mind that friendship is all we are looking forward to. I have some issues that I have to deal with and Leonard… well he doesn't mind those boundaries that I have requested."
Penny just nodded her head and waited for Jill to ask her something about herself but Jill just busied herself looking over the script she had picked-up off of the coffee table. After a few moments Penny came to the conclusion that she was not going to ask about her so she asked another question. "Has Leonard told you about… us?"
Jill raised her eyes to look at Penny and squinted trying to decide exactly how much she should confide in her. "He did speak about you in some detail. I gather that at one point he was quite smitten by you and that you returned his affection to some degree. I surmised from his description of certain aspect of his life that you had an intimate relationship that lasted a while but ended, again guessing at this, about two to three months ago." Penny looked at her with astonishment written all over her face. Jill continued "I do know that he considers you a friend and values that friendship. He would do anything in his power to see you happy, just as he would any of his friends."
"Just how long have you known Leonard" Penny asked. 'and how did you meet him?"
"We met about a month ago" Jill replied. "And as far as how; that is a question that I am not comfortable answering. Not because it is embarrassing or there is anything untoward about it, but that is an aspect of Leonard's life that he has asked me to keep confidential."
Jill could see by the look on Penny's face this was not a satisfactory answer, but she knew she would not pursue it any further, yet.
Penny and Jill worked for about two hours running lines and Jill was very helpful with most of the terminology and made some great suggestions about how her character would react in the circumstances dictated by the script. At about eleven-thirty, Jill said her good-byes and headed out toward her car.
Penny knew she should get some sleep so she would be well rested for her audition in the morning, but she was to wired to sleep. What did Jill mean when she said there was an aspect of Leonard's life that she evidently didn't know about. She paced the room for a while trying to wind herself down, but she could tell it wasn't working. She thought back over the past year. Her friendship with Leonard had blossomed into a physical attraction. She was still confused by that; Leonard definitely wasn't her physical type; not at all. As she had so many nights the last couple of months, she grabbed a canvas tote chair out of her closet and left her apartment to walk to the roof. The roof had become her sanctuary of choice. She could gaze up at the night sky and reminisce about the times she had been there with Leonard. They had been good times. In fact the entire time that she had spent with Leonard in their 'physical' relationship had been great. She had never had a relationship that was as caring and comfortable as the one she had with Leonard, but something had been missing. Maybe, she thought, she didn't deserve someone as caring and wonderful as Leonard. Leonard was smarter than her, at least on most non-social levels, but she knew that was not the crevasse that separated them. She had come to terms long ago with the fact that perceived intelligence was not what Leonard loved about her. And that hurt more than anything. Why did she not love this man who gave her 100% of himself to her. If anyone deserved to be loved, it was Leonard. As she opened the door for the roof access, she was surprised to see across the way a person sitting on a lounge chair looking up towards the sky. Then she heard a voice she didn't recognize, but it wasn't coming from the person seated in the chair.
"Sorry to keep you waiting, but I'm going to need to log-off and head home. My wife needs help getting the kids to settle down and I'm long past due." The voice said from what she now realized was a video call on the computer.
"Sure, no problem. I'll touch base with you sometime this weekend and will go over the notes that I will e-mail you tomorrow" Leonard said as he pressed a key and Penny could see the screen revert to its wallpaper as she walked up behind him.
Leonard had heard her as she opened the door and as she approached him from behind, he smelled the distinct fragrance of the vanilla lotion she used when she was getting ready for bed. "Hey Penny" he said without turning. "It's a little late to be up and about isn't it?"
"I was just coming up to relax a bit and try to wind down. Sorry if I'm interrupting anything."
"No, I was just finishing up. I have my notes for the morning and took care of a couple of other small chores and now I'm heading to bed. I'll get out of your way and let you relax" he said as he shut down and closed his laptop. He stood and bowed his head slightly toward Penny. "Have a good night and good luck tomorrow."
Penny reached out her hand and touched his arm. "Stay a few minutes, please." He looked at her for a moment trying to decide if that was a good idea. "Please" she said, "I just want to talk for a while."
Leonard acquiesced and sat back down on the lounge chair. "Okay, for a few minutes" he said and waited for her to talk.
She opened up the chair she had brought with her and sat down facing him. She just looked at him for a few moments and then ask, "Can I ask you a question?" he nodded yes and she continued, "You have to promised to tell me the truth."
"I promise that if I answer you, I will not lie." Leonard said and he nodded his head to let her know she could proceed. But she just sat there and darted her eyes back and forth from him and the night sky. "I can't answer a question that is not asked. You can ask me anything. I owe you that much."
"That's just it Leonard. You don't owe me anything. You gave me everything you could and more. It's me that owes you. I owe you an explanation, but I don't…"
"Penny" Leonard interrupted, "I'm not asking for explanations or excuses. I don't need them. We are friends, let's not jeopardize that by delving into our, for a lack of a better phrase, sordid past. Let's set the time machine to the future and not look to the past."
"I just need to say this, 'I couldn't say what… you know… you said, because I've never been able to say it." She saw his jaw tighten and his eyes narrow. "I don't think I know what that word means" she said as she twitched in her seat.
"Penny, let me ask you a question" he said and she nodded okay, "what was it about Kurt that made you love him?"
Penny felt like she had been hit in the back of the head by Thor's hammer, and the irony was not lost on her. She remembered telling Leonard the night that they had met that she still 'loved' Kurt and now she was telling him that she couldn't tell him because she didn't know what it meant. And where did that Thor reference come from. And did she just end a thought in a preposition? "Leonard… I know it sounds like I was lying when I said I didn't know what that word meant. But you've got to understand, I used that term with Kurt because I didn't understand."
"Please just tell me the reason you can't love me is because…" Leonard started.
"I didn't say I couldn't love you… this isn't coming out right" Penny bemoaned.
"I know I wasn't, and still aren't, as buff and muscular as he was. I hope that is the reason that you could love him and not be able to love me."
"Why would you say that, Leonard. I was very comfortable with you… physically" she said.
"Comfortable… surprisingly, I'm happy with that terminology. I probably shouldn't be, but I am." He stood and walked toward the ledge overlooking the front of the building. "What is the scene that you are using for your audition?" he asked as he turned back to face her.
"What. Oh just a scene inside the lab where Judy, my character, has to justify to the commander, who she's been sleeping with, should allow her to go on the next mission to stop the event from happening" she said. "But I don't want to talk about that right now. I want to know what you meant when you said you didn't want it to be because of the physical thing."
"I could have understood if it was mainly because I'm a nerdy homunculus, but if it is not that, then that opens a potential can of worms."
"Such as" she posed.
"Could it be that you are still at a point in your life where the 'bad' boy is still an attraction. You wouldn't allow yourself to love me because I didn't treat you like crap and sleep around on you. Or maybe it just something as simple as the fact that as a prospect for a long term relationship, I'm too boring to contemplate spending any measurable time in a relationship." He stood. "Those were rhetorical questions. I do not expect nor do I want a reply. I really do hope you have a great audition tomorrow. Try to remember your friends when you get your first Emmy for best actress," he said as he walked past her. He stopped and turned, gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and disappeared down the steps and closed the door behind him.
Penny watched him go. She wanted to scream at him and tell him to come back but instead she ran to the door and rushed down. She caught up with him just as he was about to open the door to his apartment. "Hey, you can't say something like that and just walk away. Maybe I could quote, love, unquote Kurt because when I broke up with him he fought to get me back. Maybe if you had fought harder I could have said… you know."
Leonard set his laptop on the floor in front of his door and turned slowly back to face Penny. It was taking a tremendous effort on his part not to raise his voice as he told her "for someone that I love and for any friend, including you, I would venture any harm or task to protect them. But I will not raise a single finger or tell a single lie to manipulate someone into caring for or loving me. Maybe if I slapped you around or cheated on you and then lied and said I had changed, then maybe you could love me." She took a step back but he continued "I have said that I love you and will not retract that statement because that retraction in itself would be a lie. But, Penny, you have to understand, I don't blame you for not loving me. It is not in you nature to love someone like me. I am comfortable with that fact." She started to speak but he silenced her by raising a finger. "I know this is going to sound odd, but I have an appointment in the morning, very early, with the psychic you introduced me to. Would you like to come with me and see what she has to say about all of this?"
"You made an appointment with a psychic? Am I missing something?" she asked.
"I still don't believe in psychics, but recent events have necessitated that I explore the possibility there may be something to the spiritual world." He turned and picked-up his laptop and said as he opened the door. I'll be in the lobby at seven in the morning if you want to accompany me. Goodnight" he said as he closed the door behind him.
Penny stared after him and wandered what stars had aligned to convince Leonard to see a psychic and what was she going to wear when she went with him.