Thursday, March 17
Dear Journal,
Dammit, Kyle's asking too many questions. Why must I be so obvious? What the hell is wrong with me? He's gonna find out my secret if I don't stop being so stupid!
Okay, maybe I should start from the beginning. Kyle walked up to me today and said we needed to talk about something. I really didn't want to, but I agreed to talk to him after school. I acted like everything was okay, but I couldn't help but get this huge twinge of nervousness and guilt in the pit of my stomach all day; I almost wanted to throw up.
I wish I could talk to him like I used to, I really do. It's just so hard. I'm afraid that one day I'm gonna slip up and tell him everything, and I know he won't be okay with it. Why the hell would he? There's no way in hell he would ever feel the same way about me. He'd never even consider it. Sure, we're super best friends, but that doesn't mean anything when you're deciding if you want to be with somebody. It's not like this is something I decided, though. It just happened. But I seriously doubt this crazy phenomenon of randomly falling for your best friend would happen twice. Especially not to Kyle. I'm not even close to the type of person he should be with. He's just so...perfect, and I'm not. Even his imperfections are perfect; mine are lame.
Anyway, God dammit, I'm getting off the subject. We met up after school, and Kyle started asking me what he did to piss me off. He said I was acting different. So he has noticed something. He doesn't quite get it, though, thank God. Heh, he actually thought I was mad at him. He's crazy; I could never get mad at him. Well, not really mad. I mean, he pisses me off sometimes, but nothing he could ever do would make me react like…this. He's way too easy to forgive.
There is one person I am really mad at now, though, and that person is myself. I'm mad that I can't control how I feel, no matter how hard I try. If I could, Kyle would be my best friend and nothing more. When I'd look at him, I would see just a guy, not the most beautiful creature I'd ever laid my eyes upon, or other cliché things like that. And I wouldn't be ruining the one true friendship I have little by little as I begin to love him more and more.
God, I hate myself sometimes.