June 6th 2009

I hung out with Fitz again today. Weve been hanging out almost everyday forr the last few weeks, but today was different then it normally was. We were at my house watching a movie, and talking, and he kissed me! I didnt know what to do or say, he just started apologizing alot, and then he left. And I just sat here. I dont even know what happened! one minute we were watching a gorey movie and talking about UFC and next thing i know we were kissing. I didnt know what to do. What do you do when your best friend kisses you? Well it happened one other time but, that was with Julia. This is. Fitz. I just. I cant even think straight. I feel so bad. I literally just froze up. I should be angry, or upset, or grossed out right? But i dont, im just worried about him. I have to talk to him

So I messaged him, I just said Please come back over, and about ten minutes later he showed up here. I didnt know what to say to him, I just invited him in and we sat there watching the movie, my stomach had butterflies the entire time, we jsut sat there for about 45 minutes when he just started apologizing again, I told him it was ok, and he said he knew that I didnt like him like that, and that he didnt even know, he felt like that about me, but to be honest Im not sure If i dont like him either, I think. I might have feelings for him. which is so confusing, I loved Julia, she was a she. and he is a he. We talked for a while and I explained all this too him. I dont know why but Im able to open up to him. The last part of our conversation I have memorized, Ive gone over it 100 times since he left.

Thanks for coming back over, I felt like a jack ass after you left, i just froze

It wasnt your fault I left, i shouldnt have kissed you, it was stupid. I mean, I know you arent,m not even sure If I am.

What if...

what if what?

what if Im not sure If I am either, (i felt so ashamed saying it, and I dont know why, I barely spoke louder then a whisper)

You think you might be?

I dont know. I mean, when you kissed me I...How can a person tell?

I knew right away when i said it that there was only one way to know for sure, I had to test it. I knew I liked fitz, but I wasnt sure In what way, the thought of kissing a guy didnt scare or gross me out, but then again it never had. He didnt even answer me, just looked at me and smiled his little half cocky smile. It felt like we were looking at each other forever before we both leaned in a little and our lips touched. It was weird, not bad, just weird. We only kissed for a second but It was amazing, It felt better then any kiss I had ever had before, we looked at each other again and without saying a word we both knew that this was more then just two guys hanging out, he pressed his lips to mine again and it felt even better then before it was just a simple kiss, our bodies were far away from each other, but I couldnt help to think that I wished they werent.. when we pulled away again i couldnt breathe. It was, different. but good different.

Clare shut the book then, she knew it was going to be hard to read about Eli and Fitz's past, but if she could barely get through Eli Detailing the first kiss, how was she going to be able to handle, their first date? did the go one dates? what about the first time they were, physical?` she knew she had to keep reading, or else she was goign to be filled with quesitons. forever. she opened the book again, and noticed that Eli seemed to have only wrote about the very important things, the next entry was written

June 12th 2009

I feel terrible, like Im cheating on Julia...