I jerk my head up, and as I look around, everything is so bright. My breath within me feels so thick, it feels like its a humid day in the summer.
"Johnathan, I need some air," I say as I hurry outside. Knowing that I should not be dialling her number, and knowing it will cause more problems with my marriage, I call her anyway.
It rings four times, then she picks up, "Regina?" I start to cry and proving unable to speak. "What is it? I cannot help you if you won't talk to me." She sounds so tired. I know it is nearly four thirty in the morning, so I regret even calling her.
Mallennie. Beyond Alison, she is the love of my life. Yes, Johnathan is my husband, and I love him, but there isn't what I believe to be a soul connection. "I need you. It's too hard without you." I finally breath out.
"Regina, you are going to lose Alison, calling me. He will divorce you."
"I don't care. Alison is in the hospital and I need to feel your energy. Mal, I need you to hold my hand and tell me it is going to be okay."
"Why is she there?" She sounds defeated.
"Her appendix has ruptured."
"It is going to be okay. You don't need me. Regina, you can do this on your own." She chooses to lie to me.
"I'm just going to come see you!" I say through my tears.
As I go to reach for the door, "No! You are not coming to see me. You will lose Johnathan and you will lose Alison."
"I don't care right now."
I hear her stand up, "Heel!"
"What? Don't make me please." It sounds so sad now, the words I speak to her.
"I do not care where you are. When I say something, you do as I say without question. Now Regina, HEEL!"
Just as I always did when she said that word, I sit down on my heels with my knees to the floor. I put my head down, not in embarrassment, but I now feel defeated and can't stop crying.
"Are you down?" Her words are so stern now.
"Yes," I breathe out.
"Now Regina, you will not visit me tonight or any other night. Alison is the most important person in your life and I will not let you lose her. I love you too much to allow that to happen. You will go back inside and sit with Johnathan and make him think you are the strong one in this. You need to show face or you will become weak and come here. I know you and you must do this." A few moments of silence on the phone, "Regina, do you understand?" Her words are so soft, and they make my heart sad that she is not my everyday any more.
"Yes, I will do as you say..."
Before I could say anything else, "Regina?" Johnathan's caring voice from behind me cuts me like a knife, and when he places his hand on my back, I am met with the sensation of fire. His touch is so hot, it burns. I turn to him, "what, are you on the phone?" He jerks it out of my hands and sees her name on the call. "Fuck you," is the only thing I hear. It makes all the noise from the sirens and chatter fade away from the world and my heartbeat is the loudest sound now. "You obviously don't care about us, or me."
He walks inside and all I can do is feel my stomach turn. I'm hurting so much right now. I feel like my world is falling apart around me, and it is out of my control. Alison is literally the only reason I have to try anymore. After everything, I deserve to die. Standing up causing the sensation of feeling sick. I have lost all control now, I begin to vomit. All my stress, my drama, my defeats and demons, everything falls in on me at this moment. My body can't take this stress any longer. I can't sleep, I can't eat. My body is trying to get out anything it can to make me feel better, but all I have is water on my stomach. It burns physically and emotionally. My only thought now, Death will fix this anguish. I wish for him to come for me so many nights to take me from this world in his carriage to a place of darkness that I so deserve.
I ask that whoever hears this prayer, ask the Goddess to honour my request, please give me a time of refreshing, or give me the death that I deserve. Just then, a cool wind hits my cheek and a slight calming rushes over me and my body relaxes.