Authors Note: I'm not very punny... but I do hope to bring Sans some justice in this story!
Disclaimer: I do not own the game/franchise Undertale. All copyright/ownership go to Toby Fox and his affiliates.
"Oh my, that's wonderful news Papyrus~ I'll head down to the store to pick up the ingredients for your special dish right now." Papyrus had just entered their door not two minutes after the invite, and he already had both Toriel and Sans excited for their new guests. They haven't had anyone new show up since Frisk was in public school; not many of her friends remained for their crazy antics for long. The pair rushed out of the door while Sans sat on their couch, turning on their television to relax on one of the few days that he's had off. Working multiple jobs always occupied the skeleton's time, before and after moving up to the surface. The work did pay fully off, with the knowledge that his family can live comfortably in their own home. He figured that Undyne and Alphys would be the next duo to hear of their new event, so he was far from surprised when they came straight over to 'decorate' their place. Papyrus wasn't the only one that cared about first impressions.
"Can't believe scatter-brain actually got himself a date! HAHA, we'll have to give him a lot of help for it to get pulled off." Undyne began to put in her all with her decorations. Red and green began to paint everything; all of the figurines that she's found over the years were being set up on just the dining table! Alphys huffed while trying to follow her lead. Even after many years living with her partner, she could never keep up with her pace...in anything! After an hour had passed, Sans looked back in awe at the job they had done...it looked like Christmas! He let out a hearty laugh, only to receive an intense stare from Undyne.
"WHAT? This is the best decorating anyone's EVER seen, it's sure to keep Papyrus's new broad around." Alphys looked at Sans nervously for his response.
"Y'know that it's not a date night, right? He's just excited that we've got new neighbors next door. You could say that he's... eh, I've got nothing." The duo looked at him in disbelief, Sans couldn't make a pun? What the hell was wrong with him? The green-scaled woman figured that he was just having an off day, and tried to argue.
"Well even if they ARE just new neighbors, don't'cha think Papyrus might be interested in this new girl? He seemed a little TOO excited to try and impress her." Alphys threw a thumbs up in her direction. Of course Alphys would try to convince her of them eventually becoming a couple... she never changed from being a sucker to what she called 'OTP's'. Sans shook his head from left to right in slow motion, pausing his program to look them both in the eyes.
"Look, have you ever remembered a time that Papyrus wasn't excited? Even before he came up on the surface, he's always loved having new friends... remember how Frisk was one of the first? He treated her like the closest friend that he's ever had from the start! This situation isn't any different, just that they're kind enough to give him a chance. You remember how the last few neighbors acted, right?" All three began to have the flashbacks of his previous 'encounters' with the neighbors before them. The ones that lived here previously moved shortly after they arrived...being the first monsters to move here, it surprised no one (with the exception of San's younger brother) that they didn't want to be around their 'kind'. Then both human and monsters tried to move there... they all were surprised at Papyrus's enthusiasm when he first tried to introduce them to their new place. Some bought it at first, but then saw how spontaneous their lives could be. One couple in particular moved here for peace and quite, but immediately moved after papyrus decided to throw a huge party for everyone. It was a great party...but that couple didn't think so. Needless to say, their luck with getting new neighbors to stay was very slim. Alphys almost looked like she wanted to cry, but kept her chin up.
"W-well, let's at least make sure that they feel welcome here. This is the closest Papyrus has ever gotten to getting a neighbor to stay here after a few hours... so let's give it our all! Right Undyne?" Her green beau quickly picked her up for a bear hug, swinging her around in large circles.
"HAH! I knew that confidence training would get you somewhere! Yeah, we'll make sure that they stay this time! Bone-brain and goat-girl are taking too long at that store, let's follow them to make sure that he didn't accidentally kill them before tonight. If he has, i'll re-kill him!" The yellow reptile had to run at full pace to keep up with Undyne as she ran through the door, both excitedly panting to meet up with the future 'lovebird'. Sans could only chuckle at himself while he continued watching his show. The game shows that humans had were actually pretty damn good, though he preferred Mettaton and his shows all the more. Something about that nut seemed genuine...hard to pick up on any human-made shows these days. Suddenly his left eye turned it's bright blue, his skeletal hand hung up in the air as he caught a certain someone watching in...
"AUuuugh! Who the hell are you freaks! How the hell can you do this?!" It was Dave looking in, the entire time he stood there and watched. Being the size of a stuffed bear, it's no wonder that it took even Sans a few minutes to notice his presence. He brought him close to his face, though he wouldn't dare put him in his view of his favorite t.v. show, Mettaton and the gaming fanatics!
"Say, aren't you the one FREAKing out? C'mon man, unless you're the weird sort of character, dinner time isn't for another, doo doo doo, three hours. Why don't you give us the gratitude of waiting for when you're INVITED to spy on us, hmm?" The skeleton never did appreciate spies... though he did find it kind of ironic, in a way. He knew that he himself would probably do the same thing, but at least he wouldn't get caught out in such a simple spot. Behind their potted plant? A little too obvious for his white-fur coating. The black of the eye-patch against his skin didn't give him an lee-way to secrecy either.
"AYe aye aye, look man! I'm not the one holding me up by powerful magic, don't you think that gives me more questions than answers? How can you understand me huh, you punk?! I'm speaking a language that's been abandoned for over a century! Also, since when could monsters use their magics like this, eh? Not even me, and I've been around for longer than your lifetime times ten! So at least give me the decency, like an old man, and put me the fuck down before I knock some sense into your dipshit skull!"
"Wow, you should be glad that my brother isn't here. He's not, uh, into that kind of language. He's got a weird sense for these things, I bet he could tell when you need to wash your mouth out with soap! Now, I don't reaaally care how old you are, you WERE the one to try and sneak your ears into our conversation early. So, as a youngster who wants more eh, 'advice' from an old man, how the hell did you get in here, and why?" No amount of Dave's resisting could unbind him from San's blue magic. He's had too much practice perfecting his art... especially with Papyrus being a faithful and patient dummy for it. He let out an impatient sigh while five minutes passed of Dave's struggling and curses, until he finally decided to give in to his request.
"OKAY, okay, you win you little brat! Tahoma and I didn't come from a very...friendly place. She didn't even notice it at first, but I knew straight away that the people there were animals! We got robbed, she got stabbed at one point! A young girl, stabbed for no REASON! The excuse that bastard gave? 'She was in the way of my apartment, little bitch wouldn't leave me alone!' ...That was when we just entered the surface. Moving to the big city wasn't cakes and ice-cream either. I taught her from home, told her that no-one could be trusted.. heh, but damn that little brat for not trusting me. Things got bad there man, I moved our shit out of there once they decided to make our building a 'no monster' zone. I can't trust anyone anymore, not with Tahoma still around to care for. I won't take any risks dammit! That brother of yours... he's too friendly. How could a monster be that nice to people he just met? Does he not know how the world works? You can't trust anyone!" To his surprise, San's let out a big, VERY hearty laugh.
"What the fuck is so funny to you? You sadistic son of a bitch?"
"Woah there old man, calm your horses. I can understand your touching story... at first, I didn't think you could trust anyone on the surface either. Hell, I didn't trust many monsters in the Underground either, back when that was still a thing. My brother? ...Well, you could call him gullible all you want. He just has a good heart, wants to make friends. How could you blame anyone for wanting that? If anything, he's just more blunt about it. Trust me when I say, he couldn't fight anyone if he wanted to. He even wanted to be part of the Royal Guard for the underground! ...But he'd be a smiling pile of bones before he hurt a thing. Now me, you should be afraid of me. I won't tolerate someone bad-mouthing my brother in my own place! Do we understand each other, Dave?" His golden eyes grew wide in shock, a little terror also had shown through.
"..Wait, how the hell did you know my name?"
"I get around. Now, so long as you don't hurt anyone, we're good. Now I think you get the point I tried to make, so don't let Tahoma in on the little conversation we just had, okay? No need to worry anyone over our... differences. Also, you might wanna wash your mouth out. I wasn't kidding when I said that Papyrus has a weird sense when it comes to anything inappropriate." Finally dispelling the blue that warped the little monster, he quietly walked away... his snarls and grunts sounded like curses again, but he wasn't going to hinder him any further. When he opened the door... well, Sans couldn't resist himself.
"Don't worry about a thing, Dave. I don't have a BONE to pick with you!" His scream of annoyance assured Sans that he was gonna have a good time tonight...