Chapter Three: Physicals and Fights

"It's Spring, everyone, well, what does Spring remind you of?" Tamaki asked.

'Efflorescent blooms in pinks and reds, soft, light blue skies with a beautifully contrasting yellow sun.' Kiiro thought serenely.

"Promotion in grades!" The twins said. They were promptly tied up and gagged by Hani and Mori.

"How could they want to let Mori-senpai and Hani-senpai graduate?" Tamaki continued.

"I'm quite sure it doesn't work like that." Kiiro peeped.

"If you ask me," Tamaki progressed, his voice barely containing his excitement. "Spring reminds me of cherry blossoms."

"That's pretty normal." Haruhi added. Tamaki then proceeded to sulk in the corner.

Today the host club was arranged underneath a grove of cherry blossom trees. The twins, Tamaki, and Kyouya were dressed as waiters and Mori, Hani and Haruhi were dressed in traditional Spring Japanese attire. Kiiro's position in the club was finally producing fruit. And the boys were entertaining the girls as usual: Tamaki was flattering 'princess' after 'princess', the Hitachiin were putting on a 'twincest' act which involved one of them scalding themselves, Kyouya was making some seemingly nonchalant musings about the world around him... and of course making profit off of merchandise, Hani was being too cute for words, Mori was being silent and looking after Hani, and Haruhi... well... Haruhi was being natural. It was beautiful and warm and Kiiro was glazing a vase for tomorrow's class. She was watching them as always, getting a kick out of their funny conversations and actions.

"It's true that we are busier being appreciated than we are appreciating somebody else," Tamaki was droning on as usual. "Moreover, I'm the most Springish person now. Can you guess which part of me is Springish, Haruhi? I'll give you three minutes to think about it..."

"Your brain?" Haruhi replied coldly and quickly.

Tamaki fell to the ground as if he had been shot, then crawled over to his corner again, collecting a gloom about him.

The twins came up and surrounded Haruhi. "Haruhi, have you decided which electives you'll take this quarter?"

"Let's take the same electives."

"Since we're in the same class." The said in unison. No doubt teasing Tamaki.

"...Mommy?" Tamaki croaked.

'Mommy?'

"What is it...Daddy?" Kyouya replied, opposition slightly hinted in his tone.

'Mommy and Daddy? Kyouya said they were like a family to Tamaki, but to call themselves Mommy and Daddy?' Kiiro couldn't help but laugh.

"This is only a hypothesis, but, I always thought I was with Haruhi all the time but that was just an illusion caused by all the club activities we've been having recently. So can it be, that the twins, by being in the same class as Haruhi, know much more about her than I do?"

"Ah, about that matter, I have photo evidence," Kyouya replied showing Tamaki hidden camera snapshots of Haruhi and the twins. "They spend nine hours a day with her at school, while you spend two hours with her during club activities, but if you subtract the time you spend with guests, you only have one hour with her." Kyouya displayed a couple of circle graphs on a whiteboard representing the time spent with Haruhi.

"You prepared graphs for this exact occasion?" Kiiro questioned, joining the fray.

He smirked.

"In other words, I can only spend 3% of Haruhi's life in a year!" Tamaki dressed up as a traditional japanese play character and attempted to punish the twins. "You bastards, stand there!"

"He's into Japanese play lately..." Kaoru explained.

"Yeah, I think his brain is..." Haruhi trailed off.

"Oharu!" Tamaki exclaimed, addressing Haruhi. "You must return to your true form and live happily with your girl friends, and that's my wish as a father! Here, go back, go now." Tamaki tried pushing Haruhi into the opposite direction.

The twins were now dressed as traditional characters and were attempting to take care of Tamaki.

"Well, we don't have to rush the matter, anyway, we'll soon have..." Kyouya trailed off.

"Ha-ru-chan! Tell me, when is your class physical examination day?~" Hani interjected.

"That's no good. I'll be found out." Haruhi stated.

Once back in the Third Music Room, the club watched as Tamaki was having one of his usual unusual daydreams.

"From the beginning Haruhi and I were romantic comedy characters!" he explained. "We knew the results without thinking about them!" he laughed.

"Oh yeah, then what about us?" the Twins asked with obvious irritation.

"You are the homosexual side characters." the King announced proudly, drawing a line between himself and the other boys.

Kiiro suppressed a laugh from where she sat observing them.

"Do you really understand, Tono?" the Twins asked. "If anyone finds out that she's a girl, she won't be able to stay in the Host Club."

Tamaki went white with the shock of the realization. And after further elaboration: namely, the fact that Haruhi would most likely be immensely popular with the boys of Ouran if she dressed like a girl bringing Tamaki's chances of ever getting close to her even further down, Tamaki began to cry.

So, of course, by the time Haruhi arrived, they had devised a plan. One that Haruhi would go along with once bribe with the chance to try otoro sushi.

Kyouya came over to the sofa, sitting next to Kiiro. His aura was dark.

"Something the matter?" she inquired.

"I'm not a homosexual side character." he very nearly huffed.

She stifled a giggle, "That? I was thinking it might have something to do with Haruhi's physical."

"Which would be a problem if all of the doctors weren't from my family's hospitals." he leaned back.

"W-wait, you're not going to tell them that?"

The dark look in his eyes told her that no, he was not going to let Tamaki have that satisfaction, "He called me a side character." he reasoned.

She chuckled.

"Oh, you think it's funny?"

"Yes. You're so torn over something he babbled without thinking about."

Kyouya was silent for a while, before, "Kiiro, do you remember how we met?"

"Yes, well, not directly, but I know how it happened. It was so long ago." she reminisced.

"Ten years now."

"Margot, watch over your sister for me." their mother instructed. "There's a lot of nice kids here, Alona. Go make some new friends."

Kiiro-then-Alona's older sister, Margot made a beeline for the other eleven-year-olds, leaving seven-year-old Alona on her own. She found a nice spot in the garden, where she could admire the flowers and the adults in nice suits and dresses inside the large mansion beside her.

"You're watching them dance?"

She turned to see a raven-haired boy about her age beside her.

"Mhm. I think dancing is a wonderful thing to watch." she said nervously, unsure of how to talk to strangers.

"Have you ever danced?" he asked, glasses lit with the ballroom light.

"No, not like that." she admitted.

"It's easy." he extended his hand.

She accepted it.

And by the end of the gala, she had made her first friend.

The gala was the Satou Gala, held every few years. To which the Harper family and Ootori family always attended. Kiiro went every time and Kyouya had always asked her to dance. Somewhere in-between, they started exchanging emails and texts.

"Come to think of it," Kyouya interrupted her thoughts. "The Satou Gala is being held this year, will you be there?"

"Of course." she smiled. "If I can figure out how to get there, I'm still not that great at navigating this city."

He shrugged, "I'll just have to take you then." he concluded.

Kiiro found it rather odd that her face began to heat up.

"In regards to your records, Miss Harper," the nurse began, flipping through the papers on her clipboard. "You've seemingly lost three-quarters of an inch in height." she smiled. "Such a petite girl."

"Ah, what?" Kiiro felt like she was struck by lightning. 'I've shrunk an inch?! How is that possible? I was already short enough!' she distressed. 'And how did that nurse deliver that in such a polite way?'

The room around her was full of nurses and doctors, students preparing for their physicals.

All of Kiiro's previous physicals had taken place at an all girls school. But here the exam rooms were filled with both genders. So, of course, the Host Club took advantage of the fact.

"Kyaaah!" a group of girls screamed.

Kiiro turned her head to see why they were being so loud, 'Uh, what?'

"Are you trying to overtake my height this year?" Tamaki asked.

"We'll see about that." Kyouya replied.

The two were standing, shirtless, in the midst of their fangirls.

Kiiro blushed before looking the opposite way, "H-have they no shame?" she squeaked, earning a polite laugh from her nurse.

Kiiro took a seat in the waiting area after her exam, watching as the Host Club struggled to carry out their wild plan to keep Haruhi's secret, which included the Twins making a brotherly love moment, Hani-senpai and Mori-senpai dressing as back up doctors, and Tamaki donning a brown wig trying to disguise himself as Haruhi at Hikaru and Kaoru's urging. Finally, Kyouya just directed Haruhi to a separate room in the Special Boy's Clinic Room, having told a doctor all about her situation.

Still reeling from being told she had shrunk, she slunk, defeated, back to her afternoon classes.

Which meant she had missed out on all the action. A man, dressed as a doctor had stumbled into the academy. Somehow he had came across as a pervert to one of the girls, who screamed, so he ran off, into the Special Boy's Clinic. Which was where Haruhi was. So, of course, the Host Club lept into action. In the end the man was just looking for his daughter, who had left him when their family split up. She didn't attend Ouran, so Tamaki had a map drawn up for him, wishing him luck in reuniting with his child.

'So, overall, today seemed anticlimactic.' Kiiro sighed after Kyouya had explained the day's goingsons to her.

"By, the way, Kiiro," he added. "Speaking technically, it's highly unlikely that you've shrunk in size."

"So it's an anomaly..." she huffed. "I'm already the shortest of my sisters."

"What's wrong with that?" he smirked, Host voice taking over. "Some men are more attracted to women who are shorter in size."

Her face reddened, "No trying that voice with me, Kyouya."

It all started when the Twins got very bored.

"Nobody will believe this, boys." Kiiro chuckled. "The body is too tall, she is much shorter, she looks sort of disproportionate. I suggest using a different torso."

"No way..."

"...this will be fine..."

"...nobody will notice it." the Twins countered.

"Girls tend to think foggily when it comes to this sort of thing."

"Thanks, guys, as a girl myself, that comment makes me feel so dignified." Her voice dripping the not-quite-rare sarcasm.

"Hikaru! Kaoru!" Tamaki entered the room, red with anger. "I left the two of you in charge of the club's website because you promised to handle it seriously!" he produced his own laptop, on the club's website. They were talking about a composite picture. The Hitachiins had photoshopped Haruhi's face onto Tamaki's torso.

"We are being serious, Tono." Kaoru corrected.

"Yeah, we stayed up all night last night." Hikaru validated.

Kiiro had to admit, it was kind of funny. Tamaki, however, stuck in his normal dreamland, wasn't finding it quite so humorous, believing it to be an actual picture of Haruhi from the back. Hani, as seemingly oblivious as he can be, must have believed it was real as he began fawning over Haruhi's "coolness". Haruhi just looked rather devastatingly at her supposed photo.

"...Shame on you!" Tamaki patronized the brothers, "If you really want to do it, you must use these idol's photography collections to generate her photos," Tamaki's mood changed so quickly it was scary. "I want to see her wearing a pink, fluffy dress." he twirled around the club room, holding aforementioned dress.

Haruhi sighed, exasperated, she asked the Twins, "What am I to you guys really?"

They turned to her, smiling, "That goes without saying, you're a toy." they responded in their usual eerie unison.

"If you like toys, please join my club." An astoundingly creepy, sing-song-y voice came from behind Kiiro, making her (and Tamaki) jump about three feet in the air. Which, in turn, earned a chuckle from Kyouya.

"W-where did that come from?" she stuttered. When she regulated her breathing and turned around she saw a dark-haired boy in a black cloak...with a weird cat puppet on his hand...

"Currently we're organizing the world's magical artifacts. If you join us now, we will throw in a wonderful cursed voodoo doll." the boy continued, producing a wooden cat from his cloak.

"Why must he appear out of the shadows...?" Haruhi stammered, echoing, for all the world, Kiiro's own thoughts.

"Because Nekozawa-senpai doesn't like light." Kyouya stated, not phased.

"You must not become involved in his life..." Tamaki piped up, creepily sneaking up on Haruhi, making her jump this time. "If you do you're sure to be cursed."

"What's a cursed voodoo doll?" Kaoru asked.

"What about this much light?" Hikaru added. They held flashlights up to Nekozawa's face.

"AAAAHHHH! MURDERERS!" was the overdramatic reply.

The boy ran out of the room at top speed, through a dark door in the overly-pink room that Kiiro could swear wasn't there moments before.

"Waah! Hikaru! Kaoru!" Tamaki wailed. "What's wrong with the both of you? Looks like you haven't experienced real terror!"

"Real terror?" Kiiro questioned.

"Yes! Like the time that I accidentally stepped on Beelzeneff!"

"Who's Beelzeneff?" Kiiro asked Kyouya.

"The cat puppet."

"After that incident, my exam papers were filled with a jumble of nonsensical, illogical incantations, probably curses!" he cried. "When I realized that the situation seemed suspicious, I glanced around the room and realized that I was warped to a different place filled with strangers!"

"Like an alternate dimension?!" Kiiro peeped.

"No, Tamaki, you were so disturbed that you wandered into the wrong classroom and went to take a Greek exam." Kyouya clarified.

"Oh." Kiiro said, fear resolved.

"No! That's a curse! Three mornings after, I woke up and for no reason at all my legs became as heavy as lead!" the blond insisted, striking a tragic pose.

"Really?" Kiiro peeped, again.

"No, that's because we had a marathon the day before, right?" Kyouya corrected.

"Oh."

"Come to think of it," the Twins spoke up, looking devilish. "All of those who speak to Nekozawa-senpai get their &&%$&&%#*^" they trailed off describing inexplicable things.

"Okay, I'm out of this conversation now." Kiiro decided, guarding her ears from their dirty accusations.

"Were you scared?" she was asked.

"What do you mean scared, Kyouya?" she turned to the boy, his grin apparent but eyes hidden from the shine of his laptop on his glasses.

"Well, earlier, when Nekozawa-senpai came in, you jumped." he pushed up his glasses. "Were you scared?"

Her face heated up again, which it seemed to be doing a lot of recently, "N-no! I'm not that easily scared, it must have been your imagination." she closed her eyes, turning her head in the opposite direction.

A finger tapped her opposite shoulder, she whipped around to see who it was. Just Kyouya's hand.

"Not easily scared, hm?" he chuckled, earning her glare.

"No talking allowed. No movement."

"Prohibited from having customers for two days." read the notes Tamaki wrote and taped to the Twins.

Hikaru and Kaoru sat in the corner of the guest-laden room, brooms in their hands, a grimace on their faces.

The rest of the hosts however were following their normal charming routines. Which was interrupted when the Twins began yelling at each other over which one of them was more evil. Prompted by Haruhi's comment on who she could tell them apart as Hikaru was more devious.

"Hikaru, actually, you like Haruhi, right?" Kaoru accused. Which got Tamaki's attention.

And the self-proclaimed manager, and otaku, Renge Houshakuji came out of nowhere babbling about homosexual love triangles and rice.

"You'd better quit while you're ahead, Kaoru, your mathematical results are far below mine!" Hiakru yelled.

"You're the one who needs to work harder on your language abilities!" Kaoru retaliated.

"You're so irritating! Burrowing into my blanket when I'm asleep!"

"I only did that because I thought you were lonely!"

"That's it! We're over! Sever all ties!" they declared in unison.

"Are the Twins breaking up?" Kiiro questioned.

Kyouya sighed, "There goes the brotherly love package."

By the next day, both of the Twins had dyed their hair an equally outrageous color. Hikaru was now announcing himself as the pink-haired twin, as Kaoru was the blue-haired one. Both of which looked equally ridiculous.

That day, when the second year students had gotten to lunch, they were welcomed with screaming. In perfect unison, the fueding twins were trying to order different lunches and failing. Until finally Hikaru gave up and ordered something he didn't want. Which led to him trading his lunch for Haruhi's bento.

Tamaki had stars in his eyes, "Good work, Hikaru!" he exclaimed. "I'll trade you my A lunch for Haruhi's bento!" he gave the younger boy a thumbs up.

"No way, idiot Tono." Hikaru shrugged him off.

Tamaki collapsed in the corner, "I just wanted Haruhi's homemade heart lunch!" he cried.

"How many fantasies does he have daily, do you think?" Kiiro asked Kyouya.

"Too many to be considered human." he answered.

Out of the corner of her eye, Kiiro saw one twin throw something at the other, who retaliated. Their throwing escalated to a fullblown foodfight. Which ended when a spoon flew into the Vice-Chairman's soup, splashing his face. The Twins took off but the rest of the Host Club was made to clean up the cafeteria.

"Revenge will be exacted." Kiiro mumbled.

Back in the Music Room, the club sat at a large table in the near empty room seething, trying to think of a way to solve this matter.

The Twins were at the opposite end of the room, throwing things again.

"Because of them, I get the feeling that the rest of us are getting more worn out." Tamaki huffed.

"If the situation persists, we will have to cancel the brotherly love sessions," Kyouya got out a calculator and began crunching numbers. "I can assure you the request rates will definitely decrease. I'll think about their penalty later... Oh, and Haruhi?" he fake-smiled.

"Yeah?" the lower classman shrunk away.

"You don't have to worry about any responsibility, okay? Even if it was your tactless comment that sparked this catastrophe." he went on with...murderous intent.

Kiiro scooted her chair away from his evil aura.

"This is the first fight between Hika-chan and Kao-chan..." Hani stated sorrowfully. "I've known them since they were in Kindergarten. We weren't very close because of the difference of grades, but they always kept to themselves. They never had any friends and they looked so lonely."

"To be like that..." Tamaki began, only to be cut off by the Twins throwing spears at him. He dodged just barely, then jumped up declaring, "I'll definitely punish the both of them!" the King ran off in high gear after the pair.

They followed the trio out into the courtyard, where the Twins had set up boobytraps for Tamaki. By the time the club caught up, Tamaki was covered in eggs, with a chicken on his head.

"I'm the one who's troubled here!" Hikaru yelled. "I don't want to look exactly like Kaoru! Being mistaken for you...I'm fed up with it!" he balled his fists. "Actually, I hate you the most!"

Kaoru growled, "My thoughts exactly! Look at this!" he reached into his jacket, producing a featureless wooden cat figure.

"Oh no!"

"This is the cursed voodoo doll I got from Nekozawa-senpai! You're name is already engraved in its back! Now! I will let you feel the same pain and anguish as the doll!" he held it up high.

"Hey! This is going too far!" Haruhi interjected, stomping over to them.

"I'll make you..."

"STOP!" Haruhi hit both boys on their heads, they fell to the ground. "Don't use that kind of thing in such a stupid quarrel! Both of you are horrible, causing trouble for the people around you is the worst! Now apologize to everyone! And if you two don't make up and shake hands now you will never ever set foot in my house in this lifetime!"

A cat like grin spread from one twin to the other, "If we call it a truce can we go to your house?" they asked in unison. The voodoo doll was turned to reveal the word "blank" and Hikaru produced a script from his jacket.

Haruhi's jaw dropped as she realized what was happening.

They stood, hugging each other close, apologizing like lovers would, a big, mushy act of brotherly love.

"Ne?" Kiiro caught on. "We've been tricked." she stood dumbfounded.

Tamaki collapsed in realization.