And now, how did it go for Wu, who is infamously known as the 'pretty kingdom' (at least before 7)?
Chapter 3: Beginning of a Disaster – Wu side
And now, let's focus on the red-colored residence, known as the kingdom of Wu.
Inside the Wu palace
Sun Jian: Aaaahhhh…what a beautiful morning! The sun is so bright, and the tiger cubs are running around in the front garden in the most heart-sickeningly adorable way! drinks coffee What could possibly go wrong-
Sun Ce: inside his room AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Sun Jian: spits his coffee PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
Sun Ce: runs towards Sun Jian FATHER! FATHERRRRR!
Sun Jian: GYAH! CE, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, SCREAMING LIKE THAT IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?!
Sun Ce: AAAHHH! Argh, I'm sorry father, but I have terrible, TERRIBLE news!
Sun Jian: What terrible news anyway?!
Sun Ce: Daqiao…Daqiao's gone, father!
Sun Jian: What? How's that possible?! She sleeps in the same bed as you!
Sun Ce: Precisely! Which is why I was extremely shocked upon finding that she's missing when I woke up!
Sun Jian: Tch…okay, but really, maybe she woke up early to prepare things for you?
Sun Ce: Eh? She did?
Sun Jian: Well, of course! It's what a proper housewife is expected to do, after all! So you really don't need to go all psycho-paranoid like that!
Sun Ce: Oh, yeah! Haha! Silly me!
Sun Jian: Sigh…yeah, that's definitely my Ce. Now, aren't your siblings the one who always wake up earlier than you? Did they overslept or something?
Sun Ce: Well…probably! After all, last night all three of us, along with Zhou Yu, and our wives, were up all night playing PES 2016! And I, the Little Conqueror, prevailed as expected! Dem suckers got nuttin' on me! HAHAHA!
Sun Jian: What? Well, THAT explained all the curses and raging I heard last night! You little kids kept me awake!
Sun Ce: Really? Hahaha…sorry, dad!
Sun Jian: Hmph, it's alright.
30 minutes later
Sun Jian: Hmm…say, I'm hungry now.
Sun Ce: Me too.
Sun Jian: Well, usually at this time there's breakfast here, right?
Sun Ce: Well, Daqiao is the one who prepares them! But since she's gone, I suppose I'll prepare the breakfast instea-
Sun Jian: What?! Argh, nonononononononononono, my son.
Sun Ce: Huh? Why?
Sun Jian: Because of, errr….
Sun Ce: Why? Why? Is it because my food tastes like cinder, or what?!
Sun Jian: Er, no! It's because, I, err…because I thought that we ran out of ingredients! Yeah!
Sun Ce: Oh, it's alright. Daqiao has already bought a truck-load of them while grocery shopping last week, after all! Enough for two whole months! Haha!
Sun Jian: Er…yeah, yeah!
15 minutes later
Sun Ce: Okay, breakfast's ready!
Sun Jian: Sweet! What did you make?
Sun Ce: Hm? Well, just a classic recipe, the good 'ol ham and egg!
Sun Jian: Oh, that's nice! And I…er…..
Sun Ce: What, dad? You don't like it?
Sun Jian: Err…no, no! It honestly looks delicious! I can't wait to eat them, definitely!
Sun Ce: Oh, that's great! Haha, okay, I'd better go to wake Quan and Shangxiang up first, okay!
Sun Jian: Yeah, yeah! Great! (Shit…forgive me, my children….)
In front of Sun Quan and Lianshi's room
Sun Ce: Okay, Quan! Wake up! It's a new day, after all! Gotta have new spirit! Hey, you too, Lianshi!...hey, hey! Wake up! Tch, what's with them this morning?! …OKAY, YOU TWO! HYAAAHHHH! smashes door …huh?! What?! Quan, Lianshi…they, THEY'RE GONE! AAAHHH! FATHER!
Sun Jian: Wha?! Hey, calm your balls down! What happened?!
Sun Ce: It's, it's…Quan and his wife are missing!
Sun Jian: WHAT?! Them too?! Let me see! …WHAT THE FUCK?! Where have they gone to?!
Sun Ce: I dunno! They just disappeared without any trace like Daqiao! This is bad!
Sun Jian: Argh…no, no, let's just calm down and think with a cool head, okay!
Sun Ce: Cool head? But we're from Wu, father, there's no such thing as cool he-
Sun Jian: It's a fucking metaphor! Okay, okay, first of all, let's make sure that your sister is safe, okay!
Sun Ce: Okay, okay, got it!
In front of SSX's room.
Sun Ce: frantically knocks door Shangxiang! SHANGXIANG! Hey, WAKE UP! door opens …GASP! No…WAY! SHANGXIANG TOO?!
Sun Jian: Son!
Sun Ce: Father, she's missing too!
Sun Jian: WHAT?! Shit, shit, shitshitshitshitSHIT! What the hell happened?!
Sun Ce: I do not know!
Sun Jian: Argh! …okay, in this case, we better gather up our advisors to ask how to deal with this! Ce, you go meet Zhou Yu and the three Lu's to explain what happened! (Well, good! At least they don't get to eat Ce's 'breakfast'…)
Sun Ce: Right away, dad!
In front of Zhou Yu's room
Sun Ce: Zhou Yu! ZHOU YU! WAKE UP! We have a VERY urgent matter here! We need your help! ….what?! No…way! Him and Xiaoqiao too?! Argh, what is going on here?!
In front of the three Lu's room
Sun Ce: Okay! Hmmm…okay, all three of them sleep in the same room? And they aren't families either…argh, the hell you're thinking?! Hey, HEY! LU XUN! LU MENG! LU SU! ANYBODY CAN HEAR ME?!
Lu Meng: opens door Yawn…gee, what's the hurry, Lord Sun Ce?
Lu Su: Yeah, I mean, it's 8 o'clock in the morning!
Sun Ce: Argh, okay, I don't have time to explain here, but you three just have to meet my father down there! We have a very urgent problem here!
Lu Meng: Is that so? Well then, let's go Master Lu Su!
Lu Su: Okay! But wait…
Lu Meng: Huh?
Lu Su: W-where's Lu Xun?
Lu Meng: Eh? I thought that he's already woken up…
Lu Meng and Lu Su turned around to look for Lu Xun, only to later find his bed to be empty.
Lu Meng and Lu Su: LU XUN?!
Sun Ce: Eh? So?
Lu Meng: No…this can't be…
Lu Su: Well, shit. If this be it, then…
Sun Ce: Oy! What's going on here? Where's Lu Xun?
Lu Meng: Argh, sorry, Lord Sun Ce, but he's gone!
Sun Ce: WHAT?! HIM TOO?!
Lu Su: What do you mean, 'him too'?
Sun Ce: Huff…okay, the matter I and dad need to talk to you about is the sudden mysterious disappearances of a couple of people here in Wu. First of all is my wife, Daqiao. Then my brother and his wife, my sister, Zhou Yu and his wife, and now my son-in-law as well! Argh, what is going on here?!
Lu Meng: …hey, wait a minute. Hey, Master Lu Su, you're thinking what I'm thinking?
Lu Su: …yes, Lu Meng.
The two Lu's ran to Zhu Ran's room, only to find it to be empty.
Lu Meng: ….shit.
Lu Su: Double shit.
Lu Meng: Oh my god...this can't be true. Master Lu Su, you check on Gan Ning's room! I'll check on Ling Tong's!
Lu Su: Right!
Lu Meng: runs inside Gan Ning's room Oh no, he's gone! There are bunch of bells and miniature ships around, but...
Lu Su: runs inside Ling Tong's room Gone!
Lu Meng: Master!
Lu Su: Gone.
Lu Meng: Shit, this is REALLY bad. First, Lu Xun and Zhu Ran are gone, and now those two. Argh, we definitely need to do something! Let's go, Master Lu Su!
Lu Su: Right!
Lu Meng: Okay, Lord Sun Ce, we'll help you in solving this problem!
Sun Ce: Really? Sweet! Okay, let's go down and talk to my dad!
Lu Su: nods
At the conference hall
Sun Jian: Huff…okay, gentlemen, I suppose you all already know why you're here.
Sun Ce: Right, first of all, let's list all the guys here, shall we? Umm…okay, there's Taishi Ci, my dad, Lu Meng, me, Huang Gai, Zhou Tai, Ding Feng, and Lu Su. That makes it for, what? EIGHT people left! What the fuck!
Han Dang: H-hey! You forgot me!
Sun Ce: Oh, sorry. Ehem, so that makes it NINE. That's still too few! Seriously!
Sun Jian: I know, sigh…this is a disaster. We Wu are all united as a family. To suddenly lose our kingdom members is a serious problem. We need to find them quickly before we'll be flattened by a sudden attack from either Wei or Shu!
Lu Meng: True. Especially Lu Xun. If he really DID go with Zhu Ran to somewhere place this morning….
Lu Su: In short words, a fucking catastrophe.
Lu Meng: True, true. Gan Ning and Ling Tong, too, are missing. Sigh…I'm worried what those two will do without me around the keep them from killing each other….
Huang Gai: Hah! Those fire-loving youths, you say? Hm! I'd say it would be fine! If they went over to burn down the Wei and Shu, we will gain another great victory without even fighting! It goes to show that the burning spirit of Wu can't die!
Taishi Ci: Seriously, that doesn't even have anything to do with the problem we're facing right now.
Sun Ce: Exactly! Look, guys, this is simply not the time to worry about Wei and Shu, okay! This is a FAR more serious problem! We've been long standing as the most fangirl-attracting kingdom thanks to our pretty boys! Without them, then our fanbase will leave us! We'll be doomed!
Sun Jian: Up until that Wei knock-off came and stole our status, anyway…
Sun Ce: Still, we have to think what might've possibly caused all of this! slams the desk, causing it to shatter into pieces …whoops.
Sun Jian: GRAH! Ce, what the hell did you do?!
Sun Ce: What?! Come on, father, it was accidental!
Sun Jian: But, still! You shoulda KNOWN that you have so much fucking strength! You have to be careful! Gah, you have no idea how expensive this one desk is…
Sun Ce: Tch, even Quan also sliced one in two! Anyway, any ideas? Hello?
Lu Meng: Hmm…my lord!
Sun Jian: Yes?
Lu Meng: It could be very well possible that Wei has kidnapped them.
Sun Ce: Kidnapped? What?
Lu Su: It's a possibility. After all, we all know that Cao Cao is practically unable to keep his boner in place.
Huang Gai: It could be very well that it's the payback for what we did to him at Chibi!
Lu Meng: Yes, it could be nothing else. Hell, him wanting the two Qiaos are the reason why he even went to Chibi at the first place!
Sun Ce : WHAT?! Grrrhhh…..CAO CAO! I WON'T FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS!
Han Dang: Hey, hey, hey! All of these assumptions seem to be way far off! I mean, come on, who knows if Wei and Shu are having this very same problem, too?
Taishi Ci: So, what do you think, my lord?
Sun Jian: Hmmm….I suppose it's settled. Very well then, in that case, let us march to Wei and have our pretty boys and girls back! Let's go, my people!
Sun Ce: OF COURSE! That fucking creepy old man will NOT touch my dear Daqiao!
Everyone except Han Dang: YOOOOO!
Han Dang: Whaaatttt?! Hey, hey! Come on! Didn't any of you listen to me?! Aw, seriously! Psshh, I suppose there's nothing I can do about it…oh well…
And so the Wu people marched to the Wei palace. They hid behind the bushes to avoid being seen.
Sun Jian: Okay, we have to be careful. Zhou Tai, check the situation!
Zhou Tai: Okay. Hmm…all clear.
Sun Ce: Alright! Let's bust through the palace, father!
Zhou Tai: Hmm…ah! Shit!
Sun Ce: Wha?! What is it, Zhou Tai?! Tell me!
Zhou Tai: Lu…Bu. Lu Bu is here.
Sun Ce: THE FUCK?! Aw, shit, I knew it when Zhou Tai starts to swear, something REALLY bad is afoot…
Sun Jian: Lu Bu, you say?! Well, fuck! Ah, he's coming near us! Duck!
So the Wu people managed to avoid catching the eyes of Lu Bu, who's marching straight towards the Wei palace.
Sun Jian: Hm…so he seems to have the same motivation as us.
Sun Ce: You mean he's also lost the pretty boys and girls?
Sun Jian: Quite possibly. Though, given that the Other doesn't even have pretty boys, maybe he lost only Diaochan…
Lu Meng: Hmm…look! He's going to smash through the palace walls! This is our chance to gain free entrance to the palace!
Taishi Ci: Eh? You serious?
Lu Meng: Of course! Look, there's absolutely no fucking way we can bust through the palace walls by ourselves, and now that he's arrived here to do it, then good for us!
Lu Su: Then again, don't you think it's a bit underhanded to use other people to our advantage?
Lu Meng: Meh, it's good! Come, let's go!
Lu Bu: HYAAAARRRGGGHHHH! smashes wall
Sun Jian: Okay! Here I go! Alright! Cao Cao! I know what you intend! Return our boys and girls or I'll fry your ass alive!
Lu Bu: GRAAAAAARRGHHH! GIMME BACK MY GIRLS!
Cao Cao: jawdrop
Zhuge Liang: Seems like we have a bit of company here…
Sun Ce: GRAH! YOU! CAO CAO! If you ever lay as much as A FINGER on my Daqiao, I WILL snap your neck!
Lu Bu: YOU FUCKING JACKASS! WHERE'S MY DIAOCHAN AND LINGQI?!
Cao Cao: Aaaahhh! Really guys, can we just talk about this peacefully? I mean, if this goes on, you'll ruin my beautiful, majestic palace!
Sun Jian: Bah! What more could you talk about, huh?! You've kidnapped our pretty boys and girls! Everybody KNOWS that it HAD to be you?! Who else could've been responsible?!
Han Dang: Umm…hey, maybe those fangirls and fanboys?
Sun Jian: Well, NOBODY! So don't try to deny it any further! Admit it now, or I'll have Huang Gai do his job!
Han Dang: Ah, shit, he ignored ma again! Bah, whatever, I don't know.
Huang Gai: engulfs his boat in flames
Cao Cao: AAAHHH! FLAMING BOATS! Gyaaarrgghhh….aiiiggghhh….faints
Xiahou Dun: COUSIN! Argh, that one battle REALLY left one nasty scar on his mentality…
Sun Jian: Whoa…damn. I never thought it would be THAT bad for him. Oh well. Now that Cao Cao's incapacitated, we shall rescue our boys and girls! Everyone, FORWARD!
Everyone in Wu: YOOOOOO!
Sun Jian: Quan, Shangxiang, hang on there!
Sun Ce: Zhou Yu, Daqiao, I'll save you!
Lu Meng: Lu Xun! Zhu Ran! Gan Ning! Ling Tong! Don't burn anything or kill each other just yet!
Lu Bu: DIAOOOOCHAAAAAANNNNN! LINGQIIIIIII!
Xiahou Dun: Tch! NO! I WILL NOT LET YOU PASS!
Han Dang: Come on guys, can't we just settle down and handle this peacefully?! HEY! Come on, why isn't ANYBODY listening to me?!
Zhou Tai: …
Zhuge Liang: Grrrhhhhh…..okay, THAT'S IT! EVERYONE! ENOUGH! CALM! THE FUCK! DOOOOOOWWWWWNNNNNNN! continues to scream that it caused earthquakes and glasses to shatter
Everyone: stops and jawdrops
Zhuge Liang: Pant…pant…pant…now…where were we?
Pang Tong: ….holy hot daammmmmnnnnn…..whoa….
Yueying: Hell yes! Now THAT'S my husband! Haha! Well, his normal voice is already enough to cause orgasms, but who knows it could be THIS epic?!
Zhang Fei: Whoa! Tch, bitch, I could do better than that!
Zhuge Dan: Woo-hoo! Now that's my cousin! Yeah! NOBODY messes with the Dragon! Now THAT'S what you call a REAL 'Dragonsong', right?!
Sun Jian: Well…shit…a dragon's roar is mightier than a tiger's, eh.
Zhuge Liang: Huff…okay. Now that everybody's calmed down, let us talk over this. So, we Shu and Wei suddenly lost our stash of pretty boys and pretty girls this morning. And, judging by your actions, it seems that Wu, Jin, and Other is suffering the same problem, too, yes?
Sun Jian: Hm, correct!
Lu Bu: Yes!
Zhuge Dan: Correct!
Zhuge Liang: Hmm…so it's true. Seems like ALL kingdoms are suffering this. Mysterious disappearance of the pretty boys and girls…however, while it's unknown what have caused this, Cao Cao did NOT kidnap those pretty boys and girls!
Sun Jian: What! You serious?!
Zhuge Liang: Yes!
Lu Bu: Ah! Don't tell me you've sided with him!
Zhuge Liang: Sigh…NO, Lu Bu! There's no way Shu would ever ally itself with Wei!
Lu Bu: Hmph, good for you then, or else I would shove my halberd through your ass.
Zhuge Liang: I know…shudder That sounds creepy, anyway.
Sun Jian: Hm, well, that being so. In that case, we're sorry for bothering you.
Lu Meng: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute! Are you really being honest with us here, or that this really is just your ploy to keep our pretty boys and girls as YOURS, instead?
Zhuge Liang: What? The hell would I do that?! I already have enough pretty boys anyway, there's no need to keep some more.
Lu Meng: Well, who knows? After all, you've had ALWAYS refused to return what's ours!
Guan Yu: Hey!
Zhuge Liang: Tch! Alright, cut that crap out! Don't fight inside this palace! Now, what's important now in that we need to use all of our strength necessary to overcome this problem!
Cao Cao: Arrrgghhh….guhhh….
Xiahou Dun: Ah, cousin! You're awake!
Cao Cao: Uhh…Dun? You…you sure those flames are gone?
Xiahou Dun: It's alright cousin, it's alright.
Cao Cao: Guhhh…okay, then…
Zhuge Liang: Hm? Oh, Cao Cao, you're finally awake.
Cao Cao: Of course. Okay…now, what business we have here?
Zhuge Liang: Well, we-
Just when Zhuge Liang attempted to finish his sentence, suddenly another large chunk of the Wei palace walls was busted. When the dust clears, it reveals the Nanman king on the elephant, Meng Huo.
Meng Huo: Hah! Alright! Now, where are those green twats?! Hmm…hah! I've found you, Zhuge Liang! You can't escape from me this time! Tell me where you've hidden my beloved Zhurong, NOW!
Zhuge Liang: Wait, what?!
Cao Cao: Aaaaaa….my palace….faints
Xiahou Dun: GAAAHHH! COUSIN!
To Be Continued…
So! As always, please keep on reading to find out what happened, and leave a review as well! Good day!