I turned and hurried after Master Qui-Gon. He was pushing past droids as he forced his way down the hall. He sent me a worried frown and I sped up, not wanting to be left behind.
The growls of frustration told me that his admirers weren't far away. Shoving some of the mechanicals into their path slowed the women down somewhat but they'd learned from my clumsiness. They merely waited a moment and then slid past the mess.
We entered the kitchen area at a run.
There were droids everywhere - at the ovens, at the counters beating on white doughy masses, at blocks cutting into bright fruit - mechanicals of all shapes and sizes weaving back and forth as they baked and broiled and cleaned and dispensed. It was controlled mayhem but at least there were no humanoids and especially no females. Thankfully.
One of the droids, a huge brute, clearly in charge of the kitchens, raised its four arms and shouted to us to leave. A second mechanical started toward us, mallet high, but Qui-Gon flowed past it and I followed in his wake. The droids trailed us for a bit but melted back into their stations once they realized we were just passing through.
I was beginning to breathe a little easier. By now, I had expected lunatic hordes of females stampeding into the kitchen, fighting off droids in an attempt to reach Master Qui-Gon or else sliding across the floor on feet covered in sweetcream and cake, shouting wildly for his attention.
But for precious seconds, no women appeared. It looked like we might have outrun Qui-Gon's admirers. Better yet, hopefully the effects were wearing off and they'd finally given up.
We slowed to a trot, reaching the other side of the kitchen and were just about to retreat to speeders and freedom when our luck ran out.
It doesn't happen often but there are times when I question the Force. In most situations, it would give us guidance, send us a clear signal, a kind of warning that prepares us for what is to come. But, and it's a big but, there are other times when I swear the Force is laughing at us.
Like now.
Two wild-eyed women cut right across our path, blocking the way. And the Force had given us no hint of approaching doom, no sense of danger, nothing at all to tell us that our escape route had been cut off.
Laughing indeed.
Quicker than thought, before we could do anything, the females rocketed toward Qui-Gon, hands reaching out to touch, to caress, to do whatever women everywhere seemed to want to do with my master.
Trying to help, I grappled with the nearest one, pulling her away from Master Qui-Gon and suddenly there was teeth and claws and she was like a sandpanther, desperate to reach her goal.
The other female, hair still matted in cake and sweetcream, latched onto my master and, grabbing his tunics, pulled him close and kissed him. It was a wild, passionate embrace - with groans from the woman. At least, I think it was the woman making noises although I couldn't be sure.
Master Qui-Gon stilled for a moment, not fighting to get away. Letting her kiss him. We were in the middle of a fight for our lives, well his life since, thankfully, the women seemed to be ignoring me, but he was just standing there. Not even trying to escape.
Getting kissed by a woman covered in dessert.
But the odd thing was that my old master seemed to be enjoying it. That couldn't be right, could it?
I tried to put that traitorous thought aside but it kept coming back, gnawing at me. In all the years I've known him, Qui-Gon has always been unfailingly polite and compassionate, sometimes too much so. He's never knowingly turned away from any lifeform, pathetic or otherwise, when they were in need of help.
Was this helping her, though? I couldn't see how it was. And I certainly don't remember anything in the Jedi Code about kissing.
Besides, we needed to escape and that... that type of contact wasn't in the plan.
It was only a moment later when he pushed her away. The look on her face was utter happiness, as if she'd found paradise. But as she leaned in for another kiss, Qui-Gon touched her face and said softly, "Sleep."
As she collapsed, he sat her gently down on the floor, propped her up against the wall near the exit. Slumping there, she seemed almost at peace. She was still smiling.
I tried to follow his example with my writhing, Master-fixated prisoner. Oh, not the kissing part since the woman was old enough to be my mother and the thought of kissing someone, anyone, would have sent me into hiding, but I shoved a sleep suggestion into her mind - and then another and then harder with another.
It wasn't working. Either I wasn't adept enough or else she was so intent on reaching my master that it just didn't take.
"Obi-Wan, hurry." Qui-Gon was past me, waiting impatiently, looking in all directions for the other hundred or so insane women that would be arriving at any moment.
I tried not to notice that he had icing in his hair - and mashed cake on his tunics.
Letting out a pained oomph as the woman jabbed me in the stomach with her elbow, I kept my grip. "I'm trying but she's too strong." With an annoyed grunt, he hurried back, one hand out to finish up what I'd started.
A plea in the woman's eyes must have caught his attention. One hurried brush of his fingertips and she slumped forward, asleep. But as she started to slide down next to the first woman, for a second, Qui-Gon hesitated and then his lips touched hers. She let out a happy sigh.
Shaking my head, I tried not to roll my eyes. Qui-Gon Jinn, ladies' man. My friends back at the Temple would never believe this, even if I were going to tell them - which I was not because it's just too embarrassing.
Unfortunately, the waste of precious seconds with Master using mind tricks on those two women - and the... kissing part which I refuse to think about right now - had cost us both dearly. As the rest of the horde stormed into the kitchen, a chaotic melee broke out.
Maniacal women everywhere. The mob was trying to push past the droids but the larger mechanical beings were pushing back, their programming clearly upset by the presence of so many humanoids. A roar of electronic blats and whistles and annoyed beeps filled the kitchen.
The four-armed droid was flailing about, each of its appendages clutching one of the women. The dough-droid was trying to protect its mounds of rising bread and several of the others were either hovering over their preparations or else helping the more aggressive droids attempt to remove the females. Without success.
Master Qui-Gon shouted above the noise, "Let's go before it gets any worse." Turning away, he sped off toward the exit.
There were several hysterical shouts and some quite anatomically-detailed pleas for attention from the mob. I knew I was blushing bright scarlet at the descriptions but I ignored them. Well, I tried to ignore them as I fled the kitchen.
Women could be really inventive, sometimes.
Pausing at the pantry door, still trying to rid myself of images that were disturbing and yet strangely exciting, I looked back to see if the droids had pushed the horde back out of the kitchen.
It wasn't going well. The electronic noise was rising in volume and almost all of the mechanicals were now struggling with the women. There was a wave of flesh and metal going back and forth in the kitchen as they fought for territory and it was only a matter of time before it got ugly.
And then it got ugly. Trying desperately to get past the droids, the mob was fighting back. I ducked as the first of the fruit sailed into the air. The high-pitched whine of unhappy droids and the screeches of women thwarted in their attempts to reach their desire collided with the splat of food hitting walls and people and metal.
Pastries and cubes of bright produce were coloring the room as they were thrown back and forth in a volley of food. The dough-droid, dripping with ruined bread, was fighting with two women, their clothes festooned with strings of white glop. Some of the floating droids were trying to catch the flying debris and return fire. Others were huddling in corners, still arranging now-ruined food into decorative displays. Hand-sized droids were trying desperately to clean surfaces - without success. The head mechanical stood there, still trying to hold onto one struggling woman since the others had apparently escaped, looking almost bewildered.
The kitchen was utter chaos.
Time to go.
I was hot on my master's heels as we entered the pantry area, wonderfully empty and silent after the pandemonium of the kitchen. We reached the speeders in no time.
However, considering how things were going so far, I kept expecting a rabid mob to appear at any second.
Qui-Gon stood guard. While muttering under my breath about Jedi Masters and the impossible things they expect their innocent padawans to do, I managed to disable the other hovercraft so that the crowd would not be able to follow us.
Then, unbelievably, female-unencumbered, we zoomed off in our lone speeder. Qui-Gon's unrestrained rabble hadn't found us. The Force was with us after all.
Just in time. Flying high and fast away from the building, I looked back to see the first of the mob appearing at the door, the women wild, their bodies painted in dessert. When they realized that we'd escaped, the resulting howl echoed for kilometers.
For a few moments, neither of us said anything. I was just glad to get away but my master kept looking back and shaking his head. He mumbled something about crazy females and hiding in the Temple from now on but when I asked him to repeat it, he sent me a calm, inscrutable look and said, "Watch for hovercraft. I'm sure the women have their own speeders and it won't take them long to figure out where we are going."
"They... those women wanted..." I kept my eyes on the skies, focused on reaching our ship, but my master leaned back in his seat, clearly bewildered by the whole situation. I blurted out, "They were insane."
"They did seem irrational at times." Master of the understatement was Qui-Gon Jinn.
"Irrational? Did you hear what they wanted to do with you? It was... "
He sounded almost amused. "Inventive, I must admit."
My face must have been flooding scarlet again. I was certainly embarrassed and I had to admit a little curious as well. When I had the chance, I'd have to do some research on the holonet when I got back to the Temple. Alone, of course. I muttered, "Oh, so you heard that, too."
"Every word." His voice held an odd note, seemingly appalled but with just a touch of intrigue.
If I didn't know better, I would have said that maybe Qui-Gon would be doing some of his own research when we got back to the Temple. But I shoved that thought quickly out of my mind. It was just too disturbing.
Looking back, Master Qui-Gon muttered, "Padawan, there are a few speeders coming up behind us. You might want to increase velocity, gain some distance."
"I'm at full throttle now." Much as I was glad to change the subject, I kept thinking about him kissing those women. I knew it was none of my business and I'm sure he didn't mean to kiss them. But it wasn't a part of our escape plan. It seemed a bit excessive.
But I kept telling myself that I wasn't going ask him about the kissing part, wasn't going to say a word, wasn't going to... blast...
"We'd have been there already if... did you have to kiss them? It only slowed us down."
He said what he always says. "It was the will of the Force."
And there it was. The will of the Force.
Standing in front of the Council or getting berated by Master Yoda or arguing with the people we partnered with at times or his friends, his enemies, his Padawan. The will of the Force. He would do some reckless thing that made him look ridiculous or deranged and sometimes both and then he'd tell everyone the same thing. The will of the Force.
I tried not to roll my eyes. If he would only follow the Code more often, he'd be on the Council and then his Force-willing might not get him into trouble so much.
To be perfectly honest, sometimes his strange behavior actually worked out and it might have been the Force guiding him. Sometimes, the Council was wrong, much as I hated to admit it, and Qui-Gon Jinn's will of the Force was actually the right thing to do.
But kissing women was the will of the Force? Sure it was.
No, it wasn't. And when he had to explain this whole fiasco to the Jedi Council, there would be repercussions and long hours of arguments and he'd be on their Rogue List again.
He kissed those women. Deliberately kissed them. And he seemed to enjoy it.
I knew I should keep quiet, that a Padawan should not question his master's actions except for enlightenment. I tried to always follow that advice, hoping to be as perfect an apprentice as I could be but sometimes it's just too much.
"The Force told you to kiss them? Both? On the lips?" I tried to keep the exasperation out of my voice.
I must have crossed some boundary, maybe pushed him too far. I should have known better but the whole escape with dessert and kissing attached was just so absurd that I couldn't hold back.
Master Qui-Gon's voice was flat as he started to speak, "Padawan, you..."
I didn't hear the rest. The blue haze of a stun bolt splattered into the night sky next to the speeder followed by several more. Sending the vehicle into an immediate nose-dive, I started evasive patterns, trying to avoid getting hit.
"They've found us," Qui-Gon turned around to see how many were following. "I see at least five speeders behind us, Padawan. Those women are certainly persistent."
"Wonderful," I muttered. I turned all my attention into escape while Master Qui-Gon pulled out his comlink and began talking urgently to the pilot of our ship.
When we finally reached the shuttle, I was beginning to feel nauseous from all the banking and diving and twisted turns that I had to use in order to avoid those pesky females. We had almost gotten hit several times and I had to wonder at their choices. After all, shooting at us might have caused an accident and, if my master had died, they certainly wouldn't have had their way with him. But I guess clear and responsible thinking wasn't exactly on their minds at the moment.
As we skidded to a halt and ran for the ship, I felt tingling in some of my fingers. I think one of the stun bolts must have grazed me but I was too far away for the full effect. Master Qui-Gon was already at the entry, waving me in. He kept looking behind me and I could almost feel the heavy breath of insane women at my back. I pelted up into the ship and the ramp closed shut.
Just in time. As Qui-Gon yelled to the pilot to raise shields, I could hear the clank of frustrated fists pounding on the hatch.
We'd made it.
We were both standing there, staring at the exit when the pilot sprinted into the hatchway, calling out, "Master Jinn, Padawan Kenobi, what happened?"
Before we could answer, she turned to Qui-Gon, sniffing at the air, taking a deep breath and then said softly, sensually, "Is there anything I can do?"
I'd forgotten our pilot was a woman.
Blast!