-1
Harry could hardly believe it had been four days since that night with Hermione. Time, at that moment, seemed to have stopped. Now the days were moving on in a rapid pace and things had gotten weirder between them.
Ooh…
Danced all night, slept all day
Careless with my heart again
Fearless when it comes to playing games
He looked over to where Hermione was currently preparing their next meal. They looked away hastingly as their eyes met for a brief moment. It had become a recurrent thing. Stolen glances, heavy sighs. When they did manage to talk it was mainly about Horcrux business and other stuff about the war. Neither mentioned Ron, that topic would bring to many unmentionable topics along with it.
You don't cry, you don't care
Afraid to have a love affair
Is that your ghost or are you really there?
On the Brightside, Harry noticed that Hermione no longer cried. It seemed that she had indeed gotten her closure that night. That night was still so fresh in Harry's mind. He had also accepted the fact that Hermione was never going to be his. He knew the process wasn't going to be easy, but he had no idea it was this hard. He felt empty. Partly because he knew the woman he loved could never be his and because their friendship couldn't possibly go back to how it was. He often pondered if telling Hermione he felt the same way was a mistake. Would it have made things easier? He knew his answer as soon as he had asked it. He realized back in fifth year, during the horrific moment in the Ministry, what he felt for Hermione went beyond platonic. It went beyond that of the love of a brother for his sister.
It was because of Hermione's near death experience that he had distanced himself from her in their sixth year. Part was also due to the fact that Harry knew Ron had really come to like her. Without even thinking the matter any further, he had given up on her. Besides it wouldn't be fair to her. She deserved to have happiness ensured. He knew even if she did feel the same way, that that could never happen if she fell for him. His future still remained uncertain. She deserved better than hope. She deserved certainty.
Now I can't walk, I can't talk anymore
Since you walked out the door
And now I'm stuck living out that night again
I'm not falling apart
Ooh, oh
"Hermione, what are you cooking up?" asked Harry tentatively. She appeared to be agitated.
"Trout" she replied.
"Oh." said Harry. Fish wasn't really Hermione's forte. But he was not about to whine about it. "Great. No berries tonight!"
Hermione smiled briefly.
"It should be just about ready."
"Where'd you catch them? I didn't see any lake or river around here." Harry asked.
"Oh I went down a little deeper in to the forest. I remember passing by a small lake with my parents. Sure enough, there it was." said Hermione stiffly.
She placed a plate and a glass of water on the table.
"There you go."
"Thanks." Harry said as he sat at the small table.
Harry watched as she grabbed her food and water and went to her bunk. He drew out a heavy sigh as he attempted to eat his rather bland fish.
Hermione sat down on her bunk. She was mindlessly grabbing the pieces of meat from her fish. Her mind, as always, was still on Harry.
Do you really think you'll be able to set your feelings aside for Ron?
Of course she could. She shook her head at an attempt to silence the voice harassing her. The voice, that overtime had become a clone of Harry's. It was his voice she heard when the voice of reason spoke to her. Hermione could not help but to dream of that night, that beautiful night, every night. She'd wake up on the verge of tears every night when she realized that it was all just a dream. She had to be strong. She knew that if she broke down again, Harry would not ignore it this time. She could never count on him being too afraid to console her anymore. It wasn't only their hearts that had been shattered that night. The old friendship they had- where they were both blissfully ignorant of their feelings for each other- was long gone. Before spilling out her feelings, she knew that even if she never had his heart, that she at least would always have his friendship. Now that too seemed to be in jeopardy. All because of Ron.
She still couldn't believe that she was willing to sacrifice something so important over someone who had asked her to pick between her two best friends. Someone who had hurt her so much. She knew deep inside that Ron wasn't entirely at fault. That the Horcrux seemed to have fed off of his insecurities and fears. Yet why hadn't she or Harry acted they way Ron had? Why was Ron the only to be affected so much by the locket? For the first time she had more questions than she had answers. Everything just felt so out of place. But this was not a time to break down. She couldn't fall apart.
Weather on a sunny day
Time slows down; I wish you'd stay
Pass me by in crowded, dark hallways
Mmm
That night, they both went to their separate bunks with an awkward goodbye to each other. It had been another long day of horrible silence. Hermione spent her day reading the Tales of Beedle the bard, while Harry kept wondering about the empty clues Dumbledore had provided him.
Then Harry remembered that they had completely forgotten to choose who was going stay out on watch. He walked into her bunk and was startled at seeing her teary eyed.
"Hermione-"
"Oh gosh Harry. You startled me" she said hastingly as she tried to wipe the small tears that had escaped.
"Hermione were you-"
"No!" she intercepted.
Harry stared at her. She was determinedly avoiding his gaze.
"Look Hermione I know it isn't easy-"
"I'm fine." Hermione said stubbornly.
"Don't worry. I'll do the watch. You go and get some rest." she said as she sped past him before he could say another word.
He swore soundlessly. Why didn't she just admit she was having just a hard time as he was?
Harry kicked the bunk's support, angrily. This was making an already irritating situation even more unbearable. They'd have to handle this tension sooner or later.
Try my hardest not to scream
I find my heart is growing weak
So leave your reasons on the bathroom sink
He was too tired tonight to argue. He chose to leave the argument to another day.
Hermione pressed her hands to her face as she sat in the chair right in the middle of the tent. She was so frustrated with herself. Now was not the time to get emotional. She needed to be strong. Never in her life did she think that being in the same room with Harry would be so unbearable. She couldn't just go crying on around the place like Cho would. She was stronger than this. But Hermione could still not face Harry after the night they had confessed their feelings. She couldn't even look at him in the eye on the rare chances she actually spoke to him. She knew that if she were to look at Harry that she wouldn't be in control of her impulses. The impulse to kiss him and touch his face again. This scared Hermione beyond belief. She was now deeply regretting saying what she had said. Their friendship would never be the same again. Maybe it would've been better if he had rejected her. She could've moved on easily. How could she go on about her daily life knowing Harry felt the same way?
Harry was sure she was trying to distance herself because of that night. He struggled with his thoughts, thinking if he should just go up to her and talk about it. He thought against it. If she was willing to act like it never happened, then he was going to too. He'd have to move on. Just like they had promised they would. Yet he still couldn't help but think of that night. When he felt her lips on his for the first and last time.
Now I can't walk, I can't talk anymore
Since you walked out the door
And now I'm stuck living out that night again
I'm not falling apart
It was now Christmas day, they had just narrowly escaped form Godric's Hollow. They had looked at death in the face once again. Harry had asked Hermione if they could go visit Godric's Hollow so that he could visit his parent's grave. To his surprise Hermione had agreed, though he was pretty sure she had accepted only because she believed the sword would be there. Unfortunately, they hadn't foreseen being attacked by Voldemort's snake disguised as Bathilda Bagshot. Yet, Hermione succeeded in taking them both out of there before the snake could kill any of them, or worse, Voldemort's arrival. When Harry had regained consciousness, he woke up to a very weary looking Hermione wiping his face with a small sponge.
"We got away" he muttered weakly.
"Yes" Hermione replied.
She seemed very tired and her eyes were bloodshot.
"You've been very ill."
For the first time in days, Hermione was actually looking into his eyes as she spoke to him. Concern etched on her face.
"How long have I been out?"
"Several hours. It's almost morning. You weren't really fully unconscious either. You were yelling and moaning things"
"I also had to use a severing charm to get the locket off you. It was stuck to your chest. And the snake had bitten you too."
Harry pulled off his shirt to see an oval marking over his heart, where the locket had been. He also had a snake bite on his forearm.
"Harry what happened when you went into her room? Was the snake hiding?"
In his mind eye, he could see the snake coming out of Bathilda's body again.
"No, she was the snake." Harry replied.
"The snake was inside her?" Hermione liked horrified.
Harry nodded.
"Lupin did say we'd be facing magic we've never seen before. The snake was supposed to hold me there until he arrived."
Harry tried to get up from the bunk but Hermione pushed him back on to the bed.
"No you've got to rest!" she said earnestly.
"Hermione no offence, but you need more rest than I do. You look terrible." said Harry. "Give me my wand."
Hermione just looked back at him, sadly.
"Hermione, my wand"
"I'm so sorry Harry" said Hermione tearfully.
"Where's my wand?"
Hermione knelt down the side of the bed and pulled out Harry's wand's remains. The wand appeared to be stripped almost perfectly in two.
"Mend it please." he uttered.
"Harry I'm not sure I can-"
"Hermione mend it"
"R-Reparo!" Hermione cried.
The wand repaired itself and Harry took back in his hands.
"Lumos!"
The wand gave back a feeble light. Harry pointed his wand to Hermione.
"Expelliarmus!"
That seemed to have been too strong for his wand, for it broke again.
Hermione looked at Harry, almost afraid that he'd start screaming.
"I'm so sorry Harry. It must've happened while we were escaping. I set off a blasting curse and it had rebounded everywhere."
Harry wasn't really paying attention to what Hermione was saying. The warm feeling he had had when he realized Hermione was close to him after he regained consciousness, had vanished. Now he felt a cold feeling course through him. He was wand less and virtually vulnerable. It had been Hermione's doing. He knew Hermione had only done it by accident but he couldn't help being angry at her. It was a feeling he hated. But he now had a reason to distance himself from her even more than they had been in the last days. It was now not just that moment of nights ago the restrained him from things going back to normal.
"We'll find it a way to fix it later. I'm sure"
"No. once a wand is broken…there really isn't more mending it again. R-remember Ron? His was never the same again."
"Well…I'll just use yours from now on then." said Harry holding out his hands.
Hermione gave it to him; it seemed like if she was having an internal struggle giving him her wand.
It was really hard walking past Hermione, not caring about how upset she was. She was obviously sorry of what she had done. But she had saved his life! He couldn't really explain why he wanted to get as far away from her as possible.
Hermione watched on as Harry sat in the chair facing the open flap of the tent. She felt horrible. She was sure their friendship was broken now. They had spent such a touching moment back at the sight of his parent's grave. Now all the nice, warm moments were ruined buy a stupid mistake. She was never more scared in her life than she was at that moment. Could Harry possibly hate her because of this?
I heard you say you needed me now
What's the problem I can't see?
You destroyed me, I won't fall apart again
I'm not falling apart
It didn't seem possible, but things had become even more awkward over the days following the accident Godric's Hollow . Harry tried very hard not to show his anger outwardly. He knew Hermione was already beating herself up over the issue. The little chances he did get to talk to her, she seemed afraid that he would go off on her.
She tried to put things back in order when she showed Harry The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore, which she had taken from Bathilda's. But Harry got even more upset over the new information he had gotten over Dumbledore. He realized how little he had actually known about him. But he was grateful that, for that small moment, all the weirdness between him and Hermione flew out the door. As she comforted him, like she had always done.
"Dumbledore loved you. I know he did." Hermione whispered.
"I don't know who he loved, but it wasn't me. Look at the mess he's left us in! That isn't love. He shared more with that Grindelwald bloke than he ever did with me."
Harry retreated back to his usual watch post.
"Thanks for the tea. I'll finish the watch. You get back in the warm"
Hermione hesitated but took her cue to exit. As she walked back into the tent she brushed the top of his head lightly with her hand. He closed her eyes at her touch. Hating that he ever regretted any moment spent with her. For it was nearly impossible for him to admit to himself that he did not like when he had brushed his lips with hers. Despite everything that was happening, Hermione's touch always made him calm, gave him a warm feeling. Now who knew when those moments would come back? When would things revert to the way they were?
Take what you want
I will be just fine
You will be better off alone at night
Waiting and falling
Constantly calling out your name
Will it ever change?
Hermione knew this couldn't continue this way. They had, or so it seemed, gotten over the wand issue. But the bigger problem was still in the picture. The reason they couldn't go back to the way things were. Instead of giving them closure, it made things harder.
"Harry?" asked Hermione temptingly.
"Yeah?"
"I think we should talk."
Harry looked at her as she stood in front of him. His eyebrows raised in surprise.
"What about?"
"About that night. What we decided to do."
"I know what we decided. You don't need to remind me" Harry said bitterly.
"No, I think I do. I know things were going to be a lot stranger now that we know how we both feel. We agreed to set it aside for Ron and Ginny-"
"I know!" said Harry. "I'm not backing away from that don't worry."
"I know you won't Harry. It's just…this is getting ridiculous. We behave like strangers now. Why is it so hard to ignore this?" said Hermione softly. "How credible is it going to be when we're in front of Ron and Ginny?"
"It's not. We're kidding ourselves here. "Said Harry running his hands through his black hair. "Do you still stand by it? I mean is all this worth it?"
Hermione looked at him thoughtfully.
"There's times when I ask myself the same thing. Then I notice how Ron is trying so hard to change. I remember the look of happiness on your face when you and Ginny got together. I remember the happy tone in Ginny's voice." said Hermione throatily.
"Hermione, but you now know what I feel. How I feel about you!" said Harry desperately.
"Yes I know Harry. Things would be different if we knew that Ron and Ginny could handle our feelings. But you see how Ron reacted just because he was suspicious!" exclaimed Hermione. "I love Ron despite everything he's done."
Harry looked at her in anguish.
Hermione seemed to have noticed her word's power so she finished her statement.
"I love Ron as a brother. Nothing else. But I don't want to lose him. That will happen if we just ignore Ron and Ginny's feelings!"
Harry felt momentarily relieved. But he wasn't about let her talk her way out of this. Again.
Now I can't walk, I can't talk anymore
Since you walked out the door
And now I'm stuck living out that night again
I'm not falling apart
"What right do they have over us to be happy?" Harry asked reproachfully. "I can't be entitled to just smidgen of it?"
"This is exactly why I'm going through with this. Ron and Ginny would hate us. We'd never be allowed back at the burrow. You'd never see the people that are the only thing close you have to a family." said Hermione, her tears falling freely. "Don't you see? it's not just Ron and Ginny's feelings I'm looking out for. It's yours as well."
Harry did not think it was possible to love Hermione more than he already did. She really loved him enough to sacrifice her love for his happiness. He felt so ashamed of being angry at her because she was ignoring their feelings for Ron and Ginny's. When it was the opposite. She always thought of everyone else. She was always last. Then another thought hit him. He had come to look at the Weasley's like family. Would his happiness with Hermione really take that from him?
"So Harry please put some effort into this. If you love me you won't let my efforts go on in vain." said Hermione looking up at him.
"I'll try. I promise I will." replied Harry giving her a weak smile.
Harry would try. He owed it to her. He was not going to fall apart. He had always kept promises to her and it wasn't about to change now.
I heard you say you needed me now
What's the problem I can't see?
You destroyed me, I won't fall apart again
I'm not falling apart
Ohh, ooh