Chapter 3: Bobby Drake aka The Sexy Beast

Today I have some important news for you. You probably already know this but in order for me to really get my point across in this story I have to say it to you once. I, Bobby Drake, Iceman, X-man am very, very, VERY, sexy.

I know. You're thinking: Well duh, I already know that.

I know you do. You know it, I know it, all the ladies here at the institute know it, and pretty much everyone I walk by knows it. It's no big secret. That would be impossible to keep a secret. Really, it's great. I've had a few girlfriends, the girl at the ice cream parlor down the road gives me free sundaes, all the girls want me, and well, pretty much my point is that life is great because of it.

But then, it's also a curse. As Remy LeBeau found out today.

Now you're wondering what this might have to do with Remy but don't worry, I'll get to that.

First I need to tell you something that is very honest, and very true. I wouldn't make up crap just to make up crap or to make Rogue glare at me like's she doing right now. I am being one thousand percent truthful here so don't go thinking otherwise.

Alright, here it is. The fact of the matter is, when I said before that all the girls want me, I meant it. Kitty wants me. Amara wants me. Tabitha wants me. Jubilee and Jean want me, and most shocking (but not shocking) of all, Rogue wants me. And therein lies the problem.

Now, while I'm a sexy beast and am great with the ladies, the other guys in the house…Mm, not so much. I mean, Remy tries to act all cool and stuff but that dudes got it bad for Rogue and every time he's around her he says some of the lamest stuff. Well, most of the time it's in French and I don't know what he's saying but Rogue must because she always turns really red and then starts hitting him.

The man has no class. No class.

I say this, even though Remy is my friend now. After you get over that whole thing where he was on Magneto's side and he tried to kill us on multiple occasions, the dude is actually pretty cool when you get to know him. Even though I do suspect that he's just a little jealous of my skill with the ladies.

While Remy is cool in his own way, he's still a little clueless when it comes to Rogue. He's all: "Bobby, mon ami, if you were a girl, how would you feel if I did this?" Which is a pretty weird question because I'm not a girl and I don't think like one. And if I did think like one, I would be attracted to myself and THAT would just be weird.

But enough about my ridiculously good looks. I'm here to tell a story and unlike Kitty, I won't go on and on about things we all know are complete nonsense. I'll get right to the point.

This morning was very, very normal. We jumped through hoops of fire, dodged the attacks of a killer robot, and combined all the forces of our mutant powers to take down said robot. It was a typical danger room exercise on a typical day. Afterwards we ate a small snack and every girl was covertly checking me out. Except for one. I was curious so I went to see what was up.

"Sup?" I slid into a chair next to Tabitha. As I did so, her gaze moved quickly from Kurt to settle on me. Interesting.

"Nothing." She said quickly before her gaze flickered to Kurt and then back to me. I'm guessing it was because she couldn't stand not looking at me. Isn't that what you were thinking? Yeah, I thought so.

Tabitha was acting weird, and I mean weirder than normal. I know this wasn't much but my curiosity was peaked. That's kind of what happens when one has no life.

"What's up with you and Kurt?" I asked. "Why do you keep staring at him?"

As if he could hear me, (though he couldn't because he was clear across the crowded and noisy kitchen) Kurt's worried eyes cast Tabitha a sideways glance before he focused his attention on Kitty again, who didn't look like she was listening to a word he was saying.

Tabitha didn't answer me. She had seen Kurt's look and her face broke out in this really creepy grin and she proceeded to stare at him and ignore me.

Whatever. I had better things to do. Like getting away from Tabitha's creepiness.

I left the kitchen. It was as I was walking down the hall that I heard Remy and Rogue's voices up ahead, coming from the half open door of the dining room. They weren't exactly speaking in hushed tones but it was obvious that they were trying to have a private conversation. So I did what anyone who had nothing better to do would do. I crept up to the door and peaked in.

And what I saw was the most terrifying thing I've ever seen in my life.

Remy. On all fours. Dressed in a very provocative cowboy costume. And Rogue, who was wearing some kind of dominatrix outfit and sitting on Remy's back and screaming YEEHAW!

Ok. That didn't really happen. But that would have been weird, right?

Anyway. What I really saw was this. Remy was standing there (not in a cowboy costume) and looking at Rogue who was also standing there (not dressed as a dominatrix) and looking at Remy. Pretty boring, huh? See why I tried to spice it up? But as boring as they seemed to be at that moment, something in the tone of their voices and the expressions they both wore told that they were having a serious conversation. I don't really remember it, because I was trying to back up and leave at that moment, but I thought I heard something like this.

"Blah, blah, blah," Rogue said in her ridiculously overdone accent. "Blah, blah, Bobby is so HOT!"

Remy nodded. "Blah, blah, Mon ami, something else French, blah blah."

I turned to leave. And that's when the herd of geese came trampling through.

I'm not kidding this time.

A freaking herd of geese came down our hallway. There must have been about ten of them, waddling like a little army over the Professor's velvet rug. Everything was fine until one of them looked over and saw one of the others and for no reason at all started hissing at him. That little guy hissed back…and the results were catastrophic. It was like UFC but for geese. Feathers were flying, beaks were snapping and I was pressed to the wall, trying to avoid the mosh pit of birds. Remy and Rogue had run out of the dining room and were watching this with matching incredulous looks on their faces. Someone was screaming but I don't know who.

Just when I could swear one of the geese was trying to do the piledriver on one of the other geese, the kitchen door busted open and Kurt came running down the hall, screeching, "My babies!"

I find it very strange that Kitty never mentioned any of this in her story.

Kurt didn't stop to talk and explain any of this. Instead he set to teleporting in and out of the hall, each time bringing a geese to who knows where and then returning for a another until finally they were all gone.

Everyone else had come out to see what all the commotion was about, but when I turned around, Remy and Rogue had disappeared. Having nothing better to do, I left the hall and headed for my room. And then Miss Ororo attacked me and forced me into helping clean out the attic.

I never got an answer from Kurt about what the whole thing with the geese was about. I never found out what was so important that Remy and Rogue were talking about. I don't know why Tabitha kept staring at Kurt. I have no idea how Johnny the Pyro ended up at the house and interacting with us as though we had always been best friends. And even if my life depended on it, I couldn't tell you what the story the Professor told us was about. I was too busy wondering about those geese and noticing every little meaningful look all the girls were giving me.

Alright, let's just cut to the chase here. I didn't see Rogue shooting Remy. I know that now you're probably wondering why I didn't just say that in the first place…and now that I mention it I'm kind of wondering the same thing….

Um. Anyway. I didn't see it. I had just picked up a really dusty box from a shelf when I heard the shot. I turned a split second too late to see Rogue standing over Remy and…you won't believe this…I'm even wondering if I saw it right. But...Rogue's eyes shifted in that one tense moment up to mine and wearing a little smirk on her lips, she winked. At me. Bobby Drake.

That's right. This is my suspicion. Rogue shot Remy in order to get him out of the way so that she could be with me. Bobby Drake. The sexy beast of the X-men.

…

"WHAT!" Rogue screeched.

"Rogue," Professor X spoke calmingly, "We're not supposed to be in here; it would be wise to keep your voice down."

"But this is RIDICULOUS!" Rogue continued to argue, though in a lower tone now. "Kitty is a love expert and Bobby is sexy? Are both of you on CRACK?"

Kitty glared.

Bobby grinned. "Oh come on, Kitty's was so stupid that I had to think of something to match up."

"Wait," Scott spoke up. "So you weren't serious about any of that? You only said all that to make yourself seem crazier that Kitty?"

As his hands clenched into fists in front of him, a psychotically determined expression came over the Ice-man's face. "I will not be outdone!"

Oddly enough, Professor X had nothing to say about any of this. He seemed content with this answer. Instead of wondering about it any longer, he turned to Tabitha and Amara. "Girls," he asked in a decidedly less patient voice than he had used half an hour ago. "Why don't you both tell us what you saw? Amara, you first…"