Schoolgirl Kenshin and the Badfic of Doom
Chapter 3
When Kenshin woke up again, there were some books sitting on his nightstand, with a note on top. It said, "I am class representative, in addition to student council president and a generally awesome person. Don't be late, and don't forget your books; I don't want you to make me look bad. -Kamyia Karou"
Damn. This wasn't some sick nightmare induced by too much wasabi and past trauma at the hands of a certain fangirl, then. No, it was current trauma, which was far worse. With a sigh, he got up and went to get dressed, brush his hair, and do other "getting ready for school" things.
Kenshin stepped into the classroom five minutes before eight, taking a seat near the back of the classroom and praying that it wouldn't be as bad as he was concerned it might. He had already encountered alternate versions of two of his friends in this twisted world, so it really wasn't much of a stretch to imagine Saitou there. Even so, the very thought made him shudder.
Karou was already in the room when he arrived. She gave him her most hateful glare in form of a greeting, but he ignored her. Fortunately for both of them, they were sitting about as far away as they could in the small classroom.
Slowly, the other students filed in. Megumi plopped down in the seat next to him. He flinched away, but that didn't dissuade her from clinging onto his arm with one hand and stroking his leg with the other. "Megumi-dono, what are you doing, de gozaru ka?" he hissed beneath his breath.
She winked at him. "Can I help it if you're sexy?"
"Sessha thought it was supposedly men who didn't think with the brains in their heads, de gozaru."
"That's cruel. I should punish you for that." She smirked and stroked higher on his thigh. This did not bode well...
Fortunately, Saitou-sensei chose just that moment to step in through the doorway, causing Megumi to jump back into her seat like a child caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Unfortunately...
'Oh crap, de gozaru yo!'
The teacher looked exactly like the Saitou Kenshin knew in Meiji, except that he was smiling. To someone who had seen his Fujita Goro persona, this wouldn't be too hugely disturbing, but to Kenshin...
'Is it the apocalypse already? But sessha isn't finished atoning for the Bakumatsu, de gozaru!'
"Ohayou gozaimasu, class!" Saitou-sensei said in a voice that was all-too cheery and energetic and bubbly... Bob-chan nearly fainted from it all.
"Ohayou gozaimasu, Sensei," the class mumbled halfheartedly.
Saitou-sensei's eyes glinted a fierce amber. (This was a special kind of anthropomorphic amber that could have qualities such as fierceness; Saitou-sensei's eyes were speshul. They were orbs, despite their almond shape!) "That was abysmal, you morons," he growled, and the students flinched, shrinking back against their chairs. "Now, let's try again, class? Ohayou gozaimasu!"
"Ohayou gozaimasu, Sensei!" all the students said emphatically, no one wanting to be caught being silent.
"Much better. Now, class," Saitou-sensei said, turning back to the kind-looking, smiling teacher persona as if nothing had happened, "we have a new student today. Please come join me at the front of the class, Kenshin-chan."
Kenshin hesitated. A disturbingly out-of-character ex-enemy wanted him to expose himself (not literally, thankfully – or unfortunately, depending on your viewpoint,) and he was unarmed. His instincts (coincidentally named Tom-kun and Betty-san) screamed, "This is a bad idea! Don't do it, you dumbass!"
…In Japanese, of course.
Taking a deep breath, he picked up his textbook to avoid going unarmed and took a single step forward. After a minute, he took another. Sixty seconds later, another.
Megumi pushed him forward. "Hurry up, baka!" she hissed.
After regaining his balance, Kenshin sighed and kept walking, until finally he was at the front of the room. "Good girl," Saitou-sensei said, clapping him smartly on the back. (After all, what teacher can clap dumbly?) "This is Himura Kenshin. She just moved here all the way from Tokyo. I do hope you'll make her feel welcome."
Okay. That wasn't Saitou-sensei's hand on his rear. He was just imagining it. Yup.
Kenshin mentally counted to juu. Then, he counted backwards to ichi. (Mwahaha – phear me, for I can count in Japanese!)
-The fourth wall collapses. Misaoshiru is hit in the head with a Japanese-English dictionary. Hope is restored, and the story will resume once she regains consciousness.-
A blue-haired, female chibi shyly walks onto the still, silent stage. "Umm, since my friend's unconscious, and since nothing else is happening, this might as well be a commercial break, right? So, umm…eat asparagus! It's good for you, and it tastes good, too! Just…don't steal any from my stash, or I'll have to sic some Rabid Mutant Chickens on you. Umm…that's all, I think. Bye."
-Misaoshiru slowly opens her eyes. "What hit me? Oh, yeah. Back to writing, I guess."
It is at this time that the saying "Every time misaoshiru writes, an angel painfully drowns" is coined. Hope dies in a tragic accident. (Hope is, coincidentally, one of those annoying Christian Sues that seem to proliferate in every fandom. There is much rejoicing.)-
In an instance of godlike speed, Kenshin whacked Saitou-sensei on the head with his history textbook.
The class, apparently, couldn't decide whether to cheer or groan. Most simply decided to watch in stunned silence.
Saitou-sensei rubbed his head, his eyes narrowed to amber slits. It was obvious what had happened: Saitou-sensei, Konoyarou High School's most emotionally unstable teacher, had finally snapped. All of the students, save for Kenshin, ran and hid when Saitou picked up a meter stick (conveniently in the history classroom instead of the math one) and said, in a low tone, "Student soku zan."
What followed is one of the stunning-est fights in the history of, umm, fighting. Unfortunately, because misaoshiru is lazy, you won't get to know what happened. Sorry. ;)
-"Emoticons in the middle of a story?" an angry voice says, almost growling. "You have fallen greatly, misaoshiru no baka."
"I'm burned out," misaoshiru whines. "Please don't knock me out this time! I'll try to be funnier…"
"…All right. But you realize that the ff(dot)net terms of service spirit is after you."
"I know. I'll be more careful…maybe."-
Karou cornered Kenshin after class. "Nani the jigoku did you think you were doing?"
"Oro?"
"You heard me. Nani the jigoku did you think you were doing?"
"What the hell did sessha think he – er, she - was doing?"
"Fine. Put it all in one language- it doesn't matter. Just answer the damned question."
"Sessha was fighting against Saitou-sensei de gozaru."
"Naze?"
"Oro? Umm…because he touched sessha's rear de gozaru ka?"
"Oh, that? He does that to all the new students. So do some of the other teachers. Just ignore it."
"Ignore it? How the hell is sessha supposed to ignore it?"
"Well…have you tried counting to juu?"
"Yes."
"It's something you'll get used to."
"But sessha doesn't want to get used to it de gozaru yo! Sessha prefers not being used to it de gozaru! Sessha is not gay!"
"What does that…wait. You're a guy."
"…Hai."
"I changed my mind about you, Kenshin. I love you!" Karou glomped him, giving him a little kiss and a wave. "See you in Hiko-sensei's class!"
"Sessha still has a very bad feeling about this…"
The rest of the school day was just as weird. Karou acted all lovey dovey whenever she saw him. Frankly, he kind of missed when she hated him.
And when Karou flirted, Megumi would retaliate in kind. It was all enough to give him a seriously bad headache.
Finally, it came time for lights out, but Kenshin couldn't sleep. 'Konoyarou High School almost makes sessha miss training with shishou,' he mused. 'Almost.'
Morning came far too soon, with Karou's odd alarm clock blaring music in English. He couldn't understand the words, but just hearing the music made Kenshin feel oddly depressed.
"Oh, you're up?" his roommate said as she brushed her hair. "Hope you don't mind the music…It's Evanescence. Isn't it sugoi?"
"Umm…yeah, sessha guesses."
Karou started to sing. "
-The spirit of fanfiction(dot)net's terms of service appeared in a blazing rage of incorporeal-ness. "Misaoshiru, you are wanted for violation of the TOS!" it said angrily.
"But I didn't do…"
"Song lyrics are not allowed in fanfiction posted here."
"I know; I wasn't…"
"Casual Fridays are no longer in place – you must wear a suit and tie while typing."
"Wait. Listen, you…"
"The door in back is Employees Only. Your firstborn must be delivered to us promptly upon birth. All your base are belong to us."
Misaoshiru sighed. Her computer screen went blank, save for the words "You have been banzor'd." She'd need some help to get out of this mess…
End Chapter 3
Author's Notes:
Like I mentioned in the story, I've been kind of burned out lately. If this chapter isn't very funny, that's the reason.
There will probably be only two or three more chapters to this, although there may be a sequel. Possibly. It isn't probable, though.
The blue-haired chibi is, of course, my dear friend Jupe-san. Unfortunately, she's at camp right now, but I have a feeling she'll enjoy her little cameo when she gets around to reading it.