Chapter Three

Rose

"Only in darkness can you see the light."

-Martin Luther King Jr-

Sitting on the back porch, a cup of black tea clenched between my hands, steam flowing over the lip, sending it's smokey essence through my nose, as I admire the sight before me; the sunrise. I have seen many mornings where the array of colors have taken my breath away, but today, I look at it in a new way.

If it wasn't for the darkness of night, we would not be able to enjoy the beauty of the morning light. We wouldn't be able to sit back and take in the simple joy of a new day rising above the horizon.

And if it wasn't for my own darkness, Dimitri and I may not have come together the way we did. And if it wasn't for his, I wouldn't have realized just how much he needs me, and I need him.

Yesterday's events brought many things to light for me, like the north star in the midnight sky, guiding me home. And I'm not even talking about the hours of rolling around in the sheets, but rather the fight that took place right in front of where I currently sit. Seeing him captured inside the madness broke me, and I don't want to imagine what would have happened had I not been there for him, grounding him and bringing him back from it.

I am terrified at the idea of having to choose between Dimitri or Adrian, but I am petrified at the thought of him having to face the worst of the darkness alone.

"Rose," Eddie's voice drew me from my thoughts, bringing me back to the here and now, sending my own worries to the back of my mind.

My cup now empty and the sun completely clear of the horizon, I must have been out here much longer than I realized. Turning in my seat, I looked up to him, his eyes looked hollow, accompanied by dark circles underneath. It's been just over a week since his restoration, and I can't help but wonder how much sleep he has actually got since then.

"Is everything, okay?"

"Can we go for a walk?"

"Of course, let me just let Dimitri know," I stood up, giving his arm a gentle squeeze before heading upstairs to Dimitri's room.

Even though I had woken a while ago, I knew he needed far more rest than I, but I am surprised he is still knocked out cold. The early morning sun shined through the window, lighting the room with a soft golden glow. Dimitri laid on his back, blankets half off of him, and a small smile playing on his lips. He looked relaxed, happy, and after yesterday, I couldn't bear the thought of disturbing his little bit of peace.

I understand the emotional strain he is feeling, the sense that you are losing yourself involuntarily to something you didn't ask for in the first place. Granted, we both agree that it is better than the alternative, but it's not without sacrifice. It eats away at you, little by little until something happens that turns the spark into a full blown bonfire.

For him, it was Alex and his father.

I could tell that her showing up was not something he anticipated, and if the fight in the backyard wasn't proof enough, my ability to read him without words was. I don't, well, didn't at the time, know what happened between them, but the moment he saw her, I saw the shift in his demeanor.

Like asphalt in Texas on a Summer day, heat rolled off of him in damning waves, causing the muscles in his back to vibrate from the tension, his jaw ticking in time with the rapid pulse of his carotid, and his knuckles white from how tightly his fist was bound at his sides. And when he couldn't open his eyes, I knew there was only one way to break him free of the darkness.

We hadn't sparred in a long time, hence it taking me the better half of an hour to finally pin him. And I would be lying if I said that look of defeat in his eyes didn't shatter my heart on the spot. It wasn't even about the fact that he lost the fight, no, it was his fear of becoming his father that ripped my heart from my chest.

I meant what I said, I wouldn't let that happen to him. Just like he wasn't going to let me fall the way Anna had, I wouldn't let him turn into his father. I don't know much about him, but what I do know is there is no way Dimitri could ever be like that. With everything he has encountered in his life, he has remained resilient, and I will be damned if I let him fall to this.

Grabbing a piece of paper off his desk, I wrote a quick note to let him know where I would be and left it on his nightstand. Pulling the covers back up to conceal the important areas, I kissed his forehead, and silently left the room.

Peaking in Vika's room, where Eddie and Adrian were staying since she headed back to school this morning, I checked to make sure Adrian was okay as well, before heading back downstairs to meet with Eddie.

"Olena, we're going for a walk, do you need anything while we are out?"

"No, thank you, Roza. Make sure you grab your jacket, it's still a bit cold out." She gave me a bright smile and went back to whatever she was working on for lunch today.

I couldn't help but smile myself as I grabbed my jacket off the hook. Thinking about it, it's rather sad that her simple motherly comment struck me the way it did. It shows just how deprived I was of it growing up.

Eddie and I headed out, turning to the left toward town. Neither of us spoke at first, instead, we took in the sights around us. The street was lined with homes similar to Dimitri's, older timber wood exterior, and I would bet just as warm on the inside too. Children played in the fronts of several yards, with their mom's watching from the porch.

I paused to think of what it must be like to grow up in a community like this. Surrounded by other families -friends to play with, sleepovers, or weekend get-togethers. To have a parent or both, to tuck you into bed at night, or chase away the monsters that lurk in the closet.

A normal childhood.

We didn't have that growing up at the Academy, instead, we were surrounded by the thoughts of our futures, unable to enjoy the little things that kids should be able too. It's really no wonder we don't want to go back.

"If I asked you to do something for me, would you?" Eddie finally broke the silence.

"Anything, Eddie, you should know that."

I kept my eyes on him, though he focused on the ground in front of us. I could see the way his shoulders were burdened, even through his thick jacket, they were hunched forward with the weight of his thoughts, memories.

And when he spoke again, I stopped.

Then, my heart stopped.

The world stopped.

Everything stopped.

Eddie noticed I was no longer beside him and turned to look at me. I could feel the tears free falling down my cheeks as if they were coated in Rain-X. I should be partly happy that he is talking about it, and not taking matters into his own hands, but I can't help the way my heart is struggling to beat with the weight of his question laying on my chest.

"Rose," he started, but I cut him off.

"Why would you even ask that?" not that any reason would be sufficient enough, but I needed to know. Maybe getting him to talk about it will help him work through it.

"It's too much to live with," his chin fell to his chest, "the dreams, the guilt, it's all too much. I don't feel like I should have another chance at life when I took that chance from so many others."

"Your choices were taken from you, too, Eddie. You didn't choose to turn, you can't, they did that to you."

"And I turned around and did the same thing to them, you don't understand, Rose."

"Then explain it to me, Eddie, let me help you." I was two seconds away from begging on my knees to make him see that I would do whatever I could to help him.

"I can't be helped."

"Yes, you can," taking his hands in mine, I looked into his tear-filled hazel eyes, "I don't know what you did, but it wasn't you. You would never hurt anyone, you're not that type of person."

"That's where you're wrong, I am. I was happy with what I became."

"No. When they took your soul, it took away your will, your mind was no longer yours. I know you, Eddie, I know you would never have done those things had you been yourself."

"I don't know that I can believe that," he shook his head, taking a step back from me.

I am losing him.

"Eddie," his name came out in a watery plea, "please, don't push me away."

Taking a step closer, I could see the tears breaching the edge, only seconds away from falling, unleashing a waterfall of emotions. I wrapped my arms around his waist, his falling around my shoulders, tightening after a few heartbeats. I could feel his shoulders tensing, his back shuttering with the cries he struggled to hold in. I squeezed him tighter, "It's okay you know," I whispered.

"What?"

"If you want to cry, it's okay."

With that small reassurance, the floodgates opened. His legs grew weak with the racking of his body. Gently, I guided him to the ground, pulling him to my lap as he continued to let the tears fall. His head rested right below my breast, arms moved around my waist and I ran my fingers through his hair.

I hummed a song that I remembered from one of Dimitri's many country CD's. As much as I loathe listening to those, seeing how country music is so boring and bland, I have to admit that one has a great meaning right now. Remembering the lyrics, I sang it to him, continuing my caress.

I will stand by you, I will help you through

When you've done all you can do, And you can't cope

I will dry your eyes, I will fight your fight

I will hold you tight, And I won't let you fall

Don't be afraid to fall, I'm right here to catch you

I won't let you down, It won't get you down

You're gonna make it, Yeah I know you can make it

He pulled away just enough to turn his face toward mine. Tear tracks running down his soft skin, I wiped them away and looked into his eyes, continuing to sing. But it was more than just to calm him or to fill the silence, it is my promise, my vow to him, that I would not let him fight this alone. I would stand by him and make sure he knows, no matter what he did as a Strigoi, I would never leave his side.

He is my friend, my brother, and you don't give up on your family.

'Cause I will stand by you, I will help you through

When you've done all you can do, And you can't cope

And I will dry your eyes, I will fight your fight

I will hold you tight, And I won't let go

We stayed there for a few more minutes. It didn't matter that we were sitting on the side of the road, or that several people couldn't help but look our way. He needed this moment. He needed to break down, so he could build back up.

"I'm so sorry, Rose."

"Don't be sorry for feeling." I wiped another trail of tears, holding my hand against his cheek, "we will get through this, together, as a family. What you went through," I paused, shaking my head to get the words right, "I can't imagine it would be easy to come back from, and Ryder said he struggled for a long time too. But as long as you keep pushing, keep fighting to become a better person from it, you can not fail. You only fail when you give up."

I may not know what Eddie is going through, but Ryder does. Unfortunately, when he left the house, I didn't think to get his phone number or anything. I figured it was best to just let him go, and if we came across each other again down the road, great. But I didn't think about how I would probably need him to help me with Eddie. I really should have, but can you blame me, there was a lot going on that day.

However, if there is one person I know who could find him, it's my father.

Dimitri

Waking up alone wasn't quite what I expected after last night.

I know I shouldn't have done it, with my ribs and all, but I couldn't stop myself. It had been days since Rose and I last had sex, which yes I know it's not that long, but in the grand scheme of things, it felt like years. We had weeks to make up for, and I am a determined man, plus, it was step one in my plan to win her over.

Spend hours worshiping her body, something I promise to do every night of forever.

Which is why her not being beside me, still wrapped around my body, was not what I thought I would be waking up to. Though, looking at my phone told me why -it was afternoon. I don't remember the last time I had slept in that late, if ever in my life. Jet lag, fights, and a three-hour sex-a-thon with do that I guess.

Throwing on a pair of sweats and pulling a shirt from the closet, I made a quick trip to the bathroom, then downstairs to see where everyone was. Adrian sat on the couch in the living room, chatting with Babushka. Mama was in the kitchen putting the finishing touches on lunch, and Rose and Eddie sat in front of the bookcase on the floor.

"Bout time you woke up," Adrian laughed.

"I was up late," I shrugged, sending a smile to Rose.

"We know," Adrian rolled his eyes, "I am pretty sure the neighbors four doors down know too."

Rose's face flamed bright red, and I could feel the heat rising on my own. There is no way we were that loud, right?

Shaking off his comments, I headed toward Rose, "How did you sleep, Milaya?"

"Like a baby," she smiled, rising from her spot to give me a kiss.

"What have you been up to today?"

"Eddie and I took a walk, and I tried to help your Mama with lunch but turns out I know nothing about cooking," she laughed, and I could hear Mama chuckle from the kitchen. "I hope no one expects me to keep you all fed because if that's the case, we're living off take-out Chinese, pizza, and donuts."

"I know how to cook," I stood straighter, "and I can teach you, or try too at least."

"I couldn't boil water, Comrade, good luck." She patted my chest and headed toward the table to eat, Eddie following on her heels.

Don't get your hopes up, Dimitri, not yet, Adrian's voice rang through my head.

I sent him a stop-reading-me look, knowing he could see the shift in my aura and joined the others in the kitchen. I am not naive enough to think after one night of being here she would change her mind. But that my friend is part two, and it does seem to be working at the moment. Our time here is how it would be wherever it is that she wants to go. No judgment. No fear of others. What's the saying from that animation movie, the one about the Lion… ah, yes, Hakuna Matata.

That's what life would be like. No worries. Waking up every morning to enjoy coffee and breakfast, and going to bed every night wrapped in nothing but the sheets. And fuck if my dick didn't jump at the thought. Even if Adrian and Eddie stayed with us forever, I would be happy, because as long as I have her, I can deal with everything else.

Take it one day at a time, Adrian spoke again, and I simply nodded my agreeance, for that is exactly what I intend to do.

After lunch, Rose and I spent a few hours lounging on the back porch, while she filled me in on her conversation with Eddie earlier this morning. I wasn't surprised that he is going through a deep depression, but I am glad that he talked about it. I don't want to think about the things he remembers from his time in Seattle. If it had been me, I pray someone would have killed me, surely that would be easier than living with the memories.

Rose decided to call Abe, who was actually in Istanbul right now -having decided to handle a few things while we were visiting my family- to track down Ryder, the Guardian that held her hostage. Now, answer me this, is it wrong of me to be angry at that? Or am I overreacting to the fact that she is trusting someone who kidnapped and held her? I know I don't know all the little details, but forgive me for not being ready to accept that he 'really is a great guy'.

We would discuss that more at a later time since we had to get ready for dinner with the other bonded pair here in town. Adrian had contacted them prior to our arrival and explained some of the things we have been through recently. Both Rose and I, as well as Adrian, and even Eddie, we're excited to meet them. They seemed to know more about Spirit than all of us combined, and we all have questions.

And if I would have known one of my main questions would send Rose off the deep end, I would have asked in private. But it flew from my lips before my brain could catch up.

"Wait, what?" Rose jumped from her seat, her eyes on the verge of leaving her skull as she stared at Mark and Oksana.

"It's only happened once in history, and it may not have been due to Spirit, but really there is no other explanation," Oksana clarified as if she didn't just throw Rose's whole world upside down. "Being Shadow-Kissed means that Spirit burns through your veins even after the healing, which in theory could make the person fertile enough to conceive with anyone."

"So I could have gotten pregnant by him?"

"It's possible. I don't want to say yes for the fact that I have never witnessed it. And if it is something you would like, I don't want to present a false hope."

"It's not."

"It is."

Rose and I spoke at the same time, can you guess who said what? Yeah.

We have never discussed children, having believed since we are both Dhampir, it simply would not be an option available to us. And I was fine with that. Granted, I have always wanted to have a family, but if being with Rose took that chance away, I would gladly let it go. It's why I turned Tasha's offer down.

It would have been easy to be with her, have a few kids, and live a simple life. But it wouldn't be Rose and I wouldn't be happy, and that wouldn't be fair to the kids. I know what it's like to grow up in a toxic environment, I wouldn't wish that on any child, especially my own.

However, seeing how Spirit is powerful enough to bring a Strigoi back from an undead state, and Rose and I back from death, I couldn't help but wonder, how far does this element go. At what point does it stop doing the impossible?

"Look," Mark spoke up for the first time, "this is something you two need to discuss, but just know, it may or may not happen. We don't hold all the answers."

"I need air," Rose ran her hand through the short hair at the back of her head and moved to leave.

"I'll go after her," Adrian cleared his throat and followed Rose.

I knew the reason he went is so I could look in, but I left him to talk to her alone and focused on Mark and Oksana.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked without talking to her first. I was just curious."

"It's understandable," Oksana reassured me, "Spirit is a vast element, and no one knows everything that it is capable of, including us. I have learned most of it through trial and error."

"You said there was only one case in history that you found, but it couldn't be proven, what did you mean?"

"The Dhampir mother and child died during labor, the father was a Shadow-Kissed Dhampir. It was, oh, seventy or eighty years ago, so there wasn't much information other than the birth and death certificates."

The front door opened just then, Adrian and Rose stepping back inside.

"Sorry about that, I just wasn't prepared for that to come up."

"It's okay, Roza," I opened my arms to her, pulling her to sit on my lap, "I should have talked to you first."

"Can we change the subject?" She looked at Mark and Oksana, who nodded with small smiles. "Have you ever heard of someone wanting to experiment with Spirit and its ability to prevent people from being turned Strigoi?"

Both of them sat up straighter, while Eddie shifted uncomfortably in his seat. We wanted to save this for the end, knowing it would be difficult for him. His restoration is the only tidbit of information we didn't tell them.

"How did you find out about that?" Mark finally asked.

"I met another Spirit user back home who told me he thinks it is possible?"

"Robert?" Oskana asked with a hint of shock in her voice. Rose nodded, "I thought he died, the poor man lost his mind when his bondmate was killed."

"He told me about that," Rose spoke softly, "but he also told me he had restored a Strigoi, and he thinks there is a way to prevent the change."

"I wish there was, but what he says is a fairytale. He isn't mentally stable."

"That's an understatement," Adrian scoffed under his breath.

Eddie's eyes bounced between the three of us, and we silently told him 'no'. If they didn't believe his story about restoring a Strigoi, nothing they could say about linking Spirit to the change would matter. We would have to continue this road on our own.

Adrian asked a few more questions about the bond, and ways to help me with the darkness, while I threw in anything else that came to mind. Rose and Eddie sat silently, both lost in their own minds thinking about the information received so far today. And before too long, we took our leave and headed home.

"Well, that was a bust," Rose grumbled, climbing into the passenger seat.

"Maybe, maybe not," I consoled, "we learned a lot today, who knows what pieces will come into play later down the road."

"I agree with Belikov," Adrian clamped his hand down on my shoulder, "we learned that I can heal my own shadows from him, we can open the bond if we try hard enough, and you two could possibly have babies someday. I say it was an insightful trip," he laughed deeply until he caught the death stare from Roza. "Or not."

The drive home took ten minutes, at least that's what the clock on the dash said, if you ask me, based on the tension rolling off of Rose, it took the better part of a year. As soon as I shifted into park, Adrian and Eddie were out of the vehicle and climbing the steps, while Rose just stared out the windshield. I went to turn the key, but Rose's voice stopped me.

"Drive."

"Where to," I rose my brow.

"The pharmacy."

There were several possible reasons running through my mind right now. One, which I hoped was the right one, she wanted to get condoms to prevent -an unknown if even possible- pregnancy. Two, she wanted to get a test to see if we are already swimming in the deep end. Or three, she wanted the morning after pill, which I really, really prayed it wasn't that one. Even if we are in no position to be parents, I couldn't bear the thought of losing a chance we may never get again.

"Shouldn't we talk about this," I tried to keep my voice light, but I had a feeling she caught the underlying fear of option three running through my mind.

"I thought you didn't want kids anymore, that's why you chose to be with me and not her," she growled at the end.

"I never said I didn't want them at all, I had just given up on having my own. Later down the road, I would have liked to discuss adoption or fostering, but I hadn't thought much about it until now. I was curious to know if it was possible considering what we have seen Spirit do already."

She didn't say anything, so I asked the question that's been sitting on the tip of my tongue, "Do you think you could already be pregnant?"

"It's unlikely, I've been on birth control since you brought me back to the Academy." I rose my brow, not because I didn't believe her, but I wondered why. I know she hadn't been sexually active before me.

"They offer it in the clinic," she sighed, "Dr. O recommends it to all the girls, even if we aren't having sex. I had my last shot just before the attack, so I should be covered for another month. Not to mention, the whole dying thing wouldn't have helped."

I tried to hide the little jolt of pain in my heart when she explained it, but I have a feeling she still noticed the look of sadness in my eyes. A part of me knew it wasn't the right time, but the other part of me wanted it to be true. I wanted to watch her swell with my child tucked tightly in her womb, to worship and love her body through the changes.

"Dimitri, we can't have a kid right now," she threw her hands up, "we don't even know if it's possible, so don't look at me like that."

"Do you want it to be?"

Thump…..

Thump….

Thump….

"I don't know." She wiped a tear from her cheek and jumped out of the car, and ran inside the house.

Leaning my head against the headrest, I process her words. I don't know what to think, what to do, or what to say at this very moment. So many emotions are running through my heart and head, I can't tell which way was which.

Up- there's a chance we could have a family.

Down- there's a chance she doesn't want that with me.

Left- I may have just set myself back on convincing her to let me go with her.

Right- I may have pushed her too far, too soon, too hard.

This is one fucked up rollercoaster.

Every time hope sends me up, reality throws me in a loop and sends me back down.

I need help.

I need advice.

I need my best friend.

Start driving, Dimitri.

Author's Note:

Happy Saturday Loves!

I hope everyone had a blessed week and is enjoying the weekend. I can't lie, this week was rough, for many different reasons, but I am so glad it's over!

On a random note: Have any of you ever watched the show 'Fixer Upper' with Chip and Joanna?

Well, my Mama, Sister, and I spent the day today at the Silo's in Waco, which they own. And let me just say, it is so beautiful, and the signs they have, GAH I love them.

There are some pictures of it on my Facebook for anyone who wants to see.

Anywho, leave your thoughts on the way out, and thank you to those who have been reviewing, you all are so wonderful. And, of course, thank you, PoisonedAngels for kicking my butt in gear these last few days!

All My Love,

Dream