Psychotic Innocence
When I woke up... Did I wake up? I'm sure, I can't actually remember waking up, night time in my room one second the next it's afternoon and i'm in the refectory.
"You're out of it every time you know!" Rei chimes, "when I go to your room to play, Achlys comes out for whatever reason and you're spacey the next day why is that I wonder?"
"Should I ask the Helper-Lady?"
"Nope, don't you remember? We'd get in trouble if anyone found out about our play dates at night time!"
"Why? Why should we- I-I mean to say why would we get in trouble for playing?"
"Because! I'm breaking curfew and you're not supposed to have anyone in your room after curfew!" He laughs, "you're still so silly!"
I'm not sure why he looks at me the way he does. He's confusing, i'm confusing, people are confusing, I hate people, do I hate Rei? No, no I hate Juuzou...
I'm in my room now... How did I get here? When did I get here?
"Hey!" A powerful voice says, I look around but there's no one in my room. "Over here you imbecile!"
The mirror. There's someone in the mirror, they look like me-exactly like me I should say- but they're not me.
"Who are you?" I approach the mirror, she stays perfectly still with a smug grin on her face.
"I go by Achlys now. Who are you?"
"I am Sachi Yomoko, fourteen years old."
"I know that already."
"Why'd you ask me then?"
She doesn't respond. I don't understand whats happening. The mirror, should show a reflection right? It should show me right? So who is this? Why is she here? She smirks to me.
"You really wanna know all that? Well let me ask you a question first. Who is Sachi Yomoko?"
Somethings breaking.
"I-I-I am... I think... I'm pretty sure..."
"You, Sachi Yomoko, aren't real ya know." Not real? That can't be right! I'm here so- "my name is Achlys and I was here before you!" She's getting angry. "I was here when it happened! Then you show up and take over! You even took my name you worthless idiot! I am Sachi Yomoko! You are nobody! Nobody wants you here! Imposter!"
"Th-that isn't true! Suzuya-kun wants me here I think... He says we're friends." She scoffs.
"I got news for you. Rei only wants you because you're stupid and easy to take advantage of! If I didn't show up whenever he comes over for a 'play date' he would've had his way with you long ago!" Rei? Rei wouldn't do something like that, or would he?
"Tha-thats not true! Suzuya-kun is good, he would never do something like that!"
"You're so stupid! You don't even recall the most important lesson I ever learned! All men, no matter who they are, only want women for one thing. You should know this from what happened! You may not be me but we share a brain at the moment, why in the world don't you know this?"
"...What happened?" She laughs... Laughs... Laughs, and laughs.
"My Step-Dad happened!" And image of a smiling man flickers by. "He married Mom when I was two, he was the only father I ever knew. He was a ghoul, unbeknownst to my Mother and I. He slaughtered everyone, mom, brother, neighbors, friends, I woke up in his chop shop." I see dismembered body parts. "He was just as much a perverted, sadistic, pig as Rei! He raped and tortured me!" A man is hovering over me. "You see there's no way you're the original me! You would've remembered this! I have all the skills I had before you appeared! Now take a hike!" My mind is on fire.
"Not true! It's not true! Red light! Red light! RED LIGHT! NO SUCH THING! NO SUCH THING AS ACHLYS!"
"Why are you so stupid?! You're the fake! Hurry up and disappear already! I want to be free!"
"MUTE BUTTON! NO SPEAK! SHUT UP!"
"Why don't you quite lying to yourself and admit it? You're the only fake here. Just disappear so I can get back to living my life." She's calmer now.
"NOT LYING! NOT FAKE! I'M REAL! YOU'RE FAKE! YOU GO AWA-NO- DISAPPEAR!" She knitts her brows together and frowns at me.
"There's no use in trying to speak to you with rationality, you're too stupid. Fine then! I'll destroy you myself! Looking at you makes me sick anyway you worthless piece of flesh!" She moves her hand-extends it toward me is what I mean- the mirrors surface moves- ripples- as her hand comes through its reflective surface.
"NO!" I take something-my alarm clock- into my hand and throw it at the lady, the mirror shatters, shes gone.
The door opens and Rei pops into the room, wearing a smile, his eyes widen at the sight of the broken glass. I hurry over to him.
"Achlys! Achlys! Achlys! Achlys!" Rei looks down on me in confusion, but pats my head and pulls me close anyway.
"It's okay, Sachi-chan."
'If I didn't show up whenever he comes over for a 'play date' he would've had his way with you long ago!'
I shove Rei away from me as her words echo through my mind again. Something is breaking inside me and I don't know... I can't identify what it is...
"NOT TRUE! FALSE! LIE!"
"Whats wrong with you huh? What happened?" He's becoming curious.
"Achlys! Achlys! Achlys in the mirror!"
"In the mirror?"
"Achlys in the mirror! I'm fake, she's fake! Disappear! Worthless! Stupid! Slaughtered! Ghoul! Rape! Lesson! Flesh! Rei! Don't trust Rei!" I'm screaming, I don't have control over myself... My mind is calm, my body is insane.
"Calm down Sachi-chan, you can trust me."
"No! No! No! Achlys said not to-but then she told me that I wasn't real-lie? Truth? Who am I?!" I'm quick to crouch down, my back resting against my bed. Rei giggles.
"The does sound like Achlys! She doesn't like me much, doesn't trust me at all! Whenever she shows up our play dates aren't fun anymore." He takes a seat next to me. "Don't listen to Achlys. Don't you remember what the Counselor told you?" I shake my head, "well it's a good thing I went with you last time then. She said something like... Because of the tragedy you made a second personality to cope, and you're working to get rid of it. Point is you're the real you, you wouldn't have so much control otherwise."
"...Medicine?" I question, Rei grunts.
"Man it's like you blocked out every Counseling session this week!" He rubs the back of his head, "Counselor says there is no medication for this, this was caused by trauma or something. The only way to better yourself is for you to stop being so weak and come to terms with what happend."
"Angry."
"Hm?"
I stand and leave Rei sitting in my room, I don't know where i'm going or what i'm going to do. Everythings mixing together, blood, dismemberment, the Academy, Dad, Mom, sunset near the river, pain, screaching, it all plays over and over in my mind until its just screaching and blood... I blink once. Twice. Sunset, near the river... I look down, blood all over me, beside me remenants of what I'm guessing was a dog, I can't really tell anymore. There's a steal pipe in my hand. What did I do?
"Sachi-chan! What happened?" I'm in my room again, Rei's still there, the broken glass is gone. Suzuya comes over to me-approaches would be the better word- he put a cold hand to my face. "Why are you covered in blood?" I'm silent, my mind is screaming with a million different answers and questions, Rei sighs. "Don't tell me you did it again? Come on lets get you cleaned up." He takes my hand and pulls me along with him.
Warm water is raining down on me, i'm in a shower now. My minds been skipping past events in my life, Achlys's fault all her fault. I see carmine puddling around my feet and watch as it swirles down the drain.
"You killed another one you know." Achlys has to but in.
"I know."
"You know thats the eighth animal you've killed this week?" I'm too tired to get upset and too empty to feel anything but numb.
"I don't remember anything but the dog."
"You know Rei's getting the blame for all of it right?" I felt myself stiffen.
"What do you mean?" Achlys chuckles.
"I mean of the two of you Rei is far more open with his destructive behavior, you're just the quiet, harmless, crazy girl who doesn't speak to anyone. Rei's obviously the one killing the animals, well in the Academy's eyes at least."
"Thats wrong. I should tell them."
"And get yourself in trouble? Rei is far more deserving of punishment than you... Hm, actually I'll say 'us' this time. He deserves it for trying to take advantage of us."
"Sachi-chan?" Rei's just on the other side of the shower wall, no where in my sight. "Are you talking to Achlys?"
"Suzuya-kun... Question."
"Shoot."
"Achlys says you're trying to take advantage of us at night. Is it true?"
"Us? That doesn't seem like a good sign Sachi-chan." He sounds concerned.
"Answer."
"You mean the play dates? I'll be honest i'm not exactly sure what you mean by 'take advantage of'."
"Don't play dumb you idiotic boy! You know exactly what she means!" That voice wasn't my own, i'm quick to clamp my hand over my mouth.
"Ah~ hello again Achlys! I'm being completely honest when I say I haven't the slightest idea what you mean." He sounds genuine, serious, its strange. "All we do is play!"
"Lies! You alway's want to kiss!" Achlys shouts.
"Only because its fun and makes us both feel better, besides Sachi-chan always tastes like chocolate."
"You see I told you Rei-kun wouldn't do such a thing." I say softly.
"He's obviously a liar! You can't trust his word! He was raised by ghouls!" Achlys words sound more like growls.
"So were we!"
"Not we just me! You can't trust men! Don't be stupid!"
"But you said we-"
"I know what I said! But it was me! Just me! Not you! Disappear!"
"No you-"
A hand touches my shoulder, I turn to see Rei's hand laced in carmine thread on my wet skin, he's just outside the shower curtain, but he's going out of his way to keep his back to me.
"I'm glad you don't think of me like Achlys does, Sachi-chan." Not a pervert, not a pig, not a monster, if Rei's intentions were what Achlys had said they were, he wouldn't be so adamant about keeping his eyes off me-averted might be the better phrase.
"Why do you stick with me? All I do is get you into trouble." My voice is quieter than I'd like it to be.
"Because when I see you in such a reck it makes me feel better about myself~"
"Mean."
"It's true though," he retracts his hand, and moves farther away from the showers entrance. "I'm all messed up too, but not as badly as Sachi-chan. You help me, and I help you."
"Friendship."
"Yeah."
Achlys is quiet for the rest of the night. Even when Rei and I go to my room for a play date. I have board games under my bed, I don't remember those being there, Rei says we play them a lot and since I can never remember the rules he alway's wins.
A kiss, his mean side, which I still call Juuzou, comes out in him again. It hurts, the way he leaves scratches on my arms and neck, the way his lips have too much pressure on my own. Achlys wants to come out, i'm trying to hold her off, I have to know if anything else happens at night, maybe I'll remember it and Achlys will back off. My minds funny again, it feels as though Achlys and I are being mixed together.
Rei is like me, I am like Rei. We were both mistreated terribly by ghouls, by family, we're both angry and so thats why we take our anger out on each other. We're the only ones who understand. Biting, scratching, hitting, it's all the same, it doesn't bother me because while I'll have bruises and scratch marks tomorrow at the moment it makes the both of us feel better.
The physical abuse we deliver to one another is our hate, frustration and confusion for things we can't comprehend, the kiss is our friendship, painful as it maybe it's solid, laced with good intent, and sweetness along with the slightest hint of being more than ourselves.
I'm realizing now as my finger nails dig into Rei's arms, that Achlys and I are becoming one person, a singular entity, sadly I believe that these moments with Rei will be the only time I feel like this, he pushes me back causing my head to slam against the wall and I see stars for a second, if thats the case I never want this to end.