A/N: A/N:

I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON THIS STORY. If I don't update for a long time, remember this, please.

This chapter is for the fans of this story: the favs, followers, and all those who read this. The support of all my readers from all over the world (just seeing people view my story) has helped so much and given me joy. Also I saw someone from Iran (or at least the IP pinged from Iran for all knows) viewed my story. Damn, that's awesome.

So thanks for dealing with my absence and future absences

Feel free to PM me 'bout this or anything, and tbh it might be wise to hit follow for this story in case I go AWOL again.

July 10th

He could've sworn he saw Sabina fall out of the plane. Wasn't he just planning to bull rush Damian and deal with Sabina falling later?

"Fuck."

Alex wiped off the sweat off his forehead and sat up in his bed. He pulled his knees up a bit and loosely hung his arms around his legs. This was the third time in three nights that someone died in his dreams. It probably didn't help that he was thinking about Sabina and Jack all the time. He felt up his legs and arms and realized he was burning up even though it was pretty balmy outside. Deciding to go into the bathroom to cool off as was his routine by now, he moved slowly, peeling the sheets off him, sliding his feet over to the left, using both hands to push himself up off the bed, and shuffling to the bedroom door in front of him. It was a full moon outside, and with the clear weather San Francisco has, light was lightly illuminating the bedroom. He opened the door slowly and did a double take.

Sabina was standing across from him, leaning on her closed bedroom door; she was wearing her small cloth shorts and a light flowy shirt as if she were going to sleep, but her hair and eyes looked as awake as ever. Hands crossed and feet crossed, she let Alex silently look her over for the first time in a year. To be honest, she was doing the same; who can't resist looking at his deep brown eyes and his soft hair? San Francisco had a lot cute guys, but they didn't have it. What that was, Sabina may never know. She knew she was above shallow thinking like that, but reverting back to her younger self was automatic sometimes when it came to Alex.

Sabina drew her eyes and face to the ground between them and looked as if she was fighting something, which made Alex a bit apprehensive and curious. It had been a while since he'd been around the spontaneity that was Sabina.

She looked back up wistfully, tilting her head to his left a bit. They stayed like that for 10 silent, long seconds, before she put up a parting wave and disappeared back into the darkness of her room.

A few days later, Sabina was walking back to the breakfast table to see how Alex and her parents were faring after she left them alone to see what would happen, but they were walking out met her on her way to the table. She asked what happened, and they said while it was nice talking to him but that they knew he is now different.

Sabina at first just put her head into the kitchen and its table to gauge Alex, who was eating cereal at the slowest pace she'd ever seen him (or anyone for that matter). He hung his head after a his second bite after she popped her head in. Wondering what her parents said, she apprehensively walked in, slowly crossing the couple yards of tile to the table and slowing drawing out and sitting in the chair opposite Alex. Before Sabina could come up with something to break the ice, Alex rammed a Soviet icebreaker through it, startling Sabina.

"They said that I was in shock and to take it easy for as long as I felt I needed to. I think they mentioned something about insurance," he trailed off softly, taking a bite of cereal.

Sabina perked up a bit at the mention of insurance. "Mum and Dad said their insurance can cover any costs." She shifted her eyes down, feeling sheepish at her uplift in behavior contrasting with what Alex felt. "Especially if you need to start seeing someone," she finished slowly, looked up at Alex. He was still looking down at his cereal, striking Sabina as unusual. Sure the circumstance is painful, but seeing Alex inattentive was foreign to her. If he wasn't talking, he was usually scanning or reading her. At any rate, she was sure he was thinking about his memories from Chelsea, not cereal.

After almost of minute of silence, Alex found the words and looked up at Sabina. "Yeah, your mum n' dad were really concerned. And yes, I know you are too," giving a small smile and a knowing look; Sabina blushed slightly out of embarrassment. "Look. One day," he sighed, putting down his spoon, "one day I'll be okay. Right now, everything is a bit of a blur, to be honest."

"Just take things slow, okay? You've been in action for too long; just move slowly for a while okay?"

The Pleasure's had a sizable backyard, as he discovered soon after arriving. Sabina's parents decided to take a few days off from work since Alex was coming, but they left him to himself for extended periods of time, which he silently thanked them for; dealing with new people wasn't something he was keen on doing.

Walking through the house while the parents were gone shopping, he stopped in the family room by the sliding glass doors. Peering through, then checking over his shoulders, he eased the doors open, silently closed them, and turned back towards the backyard. It was nice: 15 meters by 15 meters, with a tree in each back corner, a small burnt red tiled patio with the appropriate white patio chairs, table, and classic grill that Alex guessed every American owns.

The lawn was a soft Bermuda, and Alex wandered over to the left corner of the yard. The fence was painted in a soft blue, not interfering with the off white paint of the house. The Sun was slightly behind the tree, giving a good amount of shade around the tree. Alex sat down on the grass and slowly spread out until he was comfortably splayed in the cool shade with the comforting warm breeze making its way to him.

At first, his mind was empty, just open to feeling comfort he hadn't experienced in many weeks. Eyes closed, hands resting on his torso, he cracked a smile. A few moments after, he felt the guilt set in, killing the smile. Why was he allowed to live and Jack not? She had a life, a life that was shackled to him. She had so much going for her and more people that cared about her than Alex. He could count on one hand how many actually cared about him. He was disposable. What fate could possibly await for him that was not painful? Uncle Ian was murdered while driving, his parents blew up, and he himself had a 9-0 mission record, which painted a huge target on his back. Once a spy, always a spy was something he picked up on quickly. He knew his demise was soon whereas Jack had her whole life to live. Now, the opposite happened.

At this point, Alex's head started hurting from stress and lack of REM sleep, and drifted off.

He felt a gentle nudge and came out of his shallow slumber to see Sabina to his right, her elbow touching his. He kept his gaze, comfortably laying eyes on her as she assumed the same position as he before she came. She closed her eyes after a while, and Alex gradually lost the count of time and thought, just absorbed in the weightlessness he felt from the perfect weather, the lack of negative thoughts, and the nameless comforting presence of her beside him. It was unlike anything he'd experienced, certainly not in England and not even on vacation with his uncle years ago.

She eventually turned her head, meeting his lazy gaze and making him attentive again. She gave him a small smile, and he returned it without thinking, to which she smiled a wider, baring her teeth smile for a few heart beats. Both of them turned back up and spent the afternoon laying in the shade.

Alex found the self-awareness and fought to grasp it. It was just within his reach, just inches away, dangling in front of him…

He finally got his fingers on it, tightened his grip, and pulled hard.

His eyes shot open frantically, breathing hard. He was spread eagled on the bed, the sheet twisted and definitely heavily wrinkled at this point. 'Dammit, it happened again. 4th time's the charm', he sarcastically noted, as he moved his legs off the bed almost routinely to splash water on himself to cool down from his dream and hopefully help him sleep.

He shuffled to the bedroom door and opened it looking down. He was surprised to see a pair of feet at the top of his field vision. His heartbeat quickening a bit, he let his head rise, showing Sabina in the same position as before.

Although he was tired and was thinking sluggishly, he was surprised at how simple Sabina looked. It was refreshing and a bit relieving. No highlights or evidence of product use on her hair (how he could tell was only of Jack's doing. There's that strike of pain again, right on schedule). Before he could think anymore, Sabina raised her eyebrow at him with a straight face. Alex opened his mouth to respond but Sabina beat him to it.

"You can't hide that you're having trouble sleeping," she whispered. She unwrapped herself and Alex took a step toward her, unable to respond vocally. Sabina countered with the same. Alex blinked at her a couple times.

Sabina was beginning to question what she was doing. She didn't have a plan, but that was never the problem when she was with Alex. But now…now things are different. Both of them are different now. Gone is the insecure, forward and loud her. She hopes it been replaced with a silent confidence, 'which hopefully shows' she thought as she just opened her bedroom door and let Alex in.

She had to get him to talk somehow and hear this for herself. She doubted he's been able to talk to anyone about this. Her father heard some of it from MI6, and they could go fuck themselves for all she cared.

Alex's eyes were flitting between the ground and her, looking a bit nervous. He was nervous; this was Sabina we're talking about. He hadn't seen her in a long time and had not reduced his slight nerves around her, which on top of being found out about his nightly troubles made him on edge. He saw Sabina's hand rise, so he looked up and saw her gesturing towards the bed. He obediently climbed on to the bed and sat on the end of the bed, sitting cross legged and facing the head of the bed, waiting for Sabina like the young schoolboy he felt like at the moment. He was caught; he knew he couldn't and shouldn't escape. Sabina sat cross legged in front of him, scooting until their knees touched.

They spent the last few days giving long looks at each other, some empty and some pregnant with unsaid words. Alex hadn't really talked to anyone in the house much but he was surprised at himself at the lack of interaction and attention he gave Sabina. This wasn't like him, yet he couldn't force himself to do really much of anything lately. That clearly wasn't lost on Sabina as she sat a distant foot in front of him, the moonlight illuminating her anxiety tinged determination on her face. Alex felt sweat start to ooze out of his hairline and threaten to soon cascade down to his eyebrows. He was shaking a bit as he wiped his forehead with his hand and rubbed it on his shorts. Noting his effort to not meet her eyes, she gently took his hands in hers and looked at him.

"Alex, please, look at me," Sabina whispered, slightly shaking his hands. He finally caved and looked at her, eased into it by her hands gently squeezing his. "Look Alex. What we had before I left…I really liked it. I still liked it when I came to visit. But we've both changed. We've both matured. God knows how insufferable I used to be," Sabina smiled softly. "But now we're here. In America. We both know why, but I need you to talk to me. I'll always be here for you. You were there for me so many times," she acknowledged as she reminisced about Damian Cray and the near drowning in Scotland. Looking down, she resumed. "But I need you to talk to me Alex. You can't hold it in and suffer this much. I…I won't let you,'' Sabina said, raising her head and meeting his eyes again. They held a gaze for what felt a long time until his face gave a pained expression and he dropped his eyes a bit.

Alex sighed. "Sab, you know this is hard." He never really divested things this intimately. Rather, he'd never been in an intimate moment like this ever, nor did he imagine he'd ever get the chance to, if he was honest with himself. He never really thought this far into his life where he'd have to actually explain what had happened to him in past missions.

He pressed his lips together tight, slowing working up the nerve to start, which to be honest he had a hard time wondering where he would, or really it was that his thoughts were swirling so much. Alright, so I guess it starts in Cairo, he thought, before he verbalized that, Sabina tugged at his hands again to get his attention. He looked up out of his reverie, trying to read Sabina's emotions. She had her head pointed slightly down with her eyes on his, eyebrows slightly up, and a somber yet determined look on her face.

"We were close before, and I know you know that, and we haven't really been "together", but I need you to know that I'm still here for you. I can tell you did things you wish you could avoid," Sabina said, raising her eyebrows more when Alex started to quietly splutter. Shaking their hands for emphasis, she quipped "I can see it. If it's this much harder to say what happened on this mission, obviously more happened than Dad knows. It's okay though, because I don't care. I don't care what you did because you'll still be Alex to me."

Alex let out a sigh. "I…I remember Sab. It was nice, and so were you. And yes I did things, but you're right. I shouldn't bottle it up," he admitted, giving a gentle squeeze to her hands.

So he just started talking, wondering if he was confusing her but unable to stop the flow of words coming out of his mouth. He talked about getting shot at in school, going to Cairo, explaining the whole Julius clone mess, faltered and silently cried while he described being trapped and watching Jack explode, and what it felt to run to the wreckage. At this point, Sabina and Alex were still sitting cross legged in front of each other, but holding only one hand, with Alex using his other hand to stave off the tears and running nose while Sabina's other hand was wiping her own tears.

She had never seen him like this. It wasn't like they had opportunities to do this anyway, but it was heartbreaking to see the most steadfast person she knew look like this.

"Alex…" she said, trailing off after seeing his hand come up to stop her. He was looking down and shook his head.

"Remember Julius? I had to kill him," Alex said bluntly. Sabina looked at him confusedly. He wasn't supposed to kill. "I was numb," he continued, feeling the same numbness he felt then. "I didn't care that he looked exactly like me. I just got him down by the shore, pointed the gun to him and pulled the trigger. It then hit me that…that I kind of killed myself in a weird way." Sabina's jaw dropped.

"No, you didn't. You killed Julius. You mustn't feel like this Alex! You have us! You have…me," Sabina admitted haltingly. What was "me" though? Alex doesn't know who that is. All "me" is to him is the posh English girl from a couple years ago, and it didn't help that communication slowed between them as she matured, and he missed out on all the new things she'd been thinking and experiencing. Gathering up her courage and pushing the doubt to the side, she tugged on his arm.

Alex saw Sabina's eyes glass over after her confession for a few seconds. She suddenly flicked her eyes back at him and tugged his arm, pulling both of them down with Alex landing partially on her with a soft thump and eliciting a slightly bemused smile. It was the first smile that Alex gave in what seemed to be a long time, and it felt great.

Sabina felt Alex's head against her shoulder, and they seemed to be in the same position as last night, when they went to sleep with Alex facing down and pushed against Sabina with Sabina looking up at the ceiling with an air of small relief as she finally got Alex to open up.

She looked at her clock on the nightstand on her right, and it said 9 AM. She felt the fullness of the comfortable warmth and bit of pressure and weight from Alex by just closing her eyes for a moment. When her long distance communication with Alex waned (as such communication normally does, she reasoned), she didn't realize she lost her theoretical endgame of meeting Alex again, at least in the short term. But did she really know Alex enough to have such an emotionally tied yearning for that goal? The thought made some guilt wash over her as she realized she did most of the talking when she was in England.

But alas, it was 9AM and Alex needed to get to his own room for obvious reasons. After nudging him and making him get up, he saw the time and started to move a lot faster.

"Wait, Alex!" Sabina said, catching Alex a couple steps from the bedroom door. He turned around and was pushed back almost against the door by the blonde blur that hit him, hugging him tightly. He instinctively returned the action, and they both pulled back slightly after a long while, arms on each other's elbows.

"Thought you needed that," Sabina remarked, drawing a lazy smile on Alex's face.

"Hey…thank you for listening,' Alex said sheepishly, looking down. After a few heartbeats, Sabina took a huge breath.

"Look," Sabina sighed, making Alex look up at her. "I know when we were across the pond, I never listened for too long. Yes, you can admit it Alex," Sabina said, softly giggling at Alex's attempts at acting surprised. "I was a bit brash, I must say. That bit is still in me, but I hope you know that that version of me is not me anymore. We're different now Alex, but that doesn't mean we can be as friendly as we were before. It's a fresh start, even if it's because of something horrible. We'll have a good summer, hopefully enroll you in my school, and see how it goes from there."

AN: - the last book has a lot of exposition for Sabina and Alex that I forgot about until midway through writing this chapter