Chapter three. As you can tell from the chapter title, those of you who guessed America are right! Everyone's favorite hero is the next unit to arrive. What'll happen? Well, antics, if the chapter title's anything to go by!
Disclaimer: Blah blah blah, I own NOTHING(Cept for the characters I made)! Check out the manuals by LolliDictator, as they are HILARIOUS.
I feel like I've been spoiling you guys with my super-fast updates. I'll try to keep it up, but school is back in soon. I'll have less time to write new chapters once it starts, but I really will update as fast as I can.
-/Hetalia/-
"Should I be worried...?" I voiced my thoughts aloud as I walked into Ivan's room. He had been gone all day yesterday (I really hope he hadn't been looking around for a Prussia or China unit), but he was here now. I came in to get his dirty clothes. But... I wasn't expecting this.
Sunflowers. Everywhere. The room was filled to the brim with them. I could barely see the large Russian setting a bouqet of them into a vase.
"Dohbruhee ootruh[1], Sasha!" Ivan was smiling happily. "I picked some podsolnecnik[2]!"
"I... can see that, Ivan." I couldn't understand Russian, but I could guess what he picked by the sight of his room. My eyes were hurting. Way too much yellow. "Where did you get all these things?" Please tell me he did NOT rob a flower shop or something.
"Behind your house, da? There were so many beautiful sunflowers, I spent all day yesterday picking them!" He went back to arranging the ones in the vase.
I had forgotten about that. Had he picked the whole meadow? I looked at all the flowers again.
"Sasha?" I looked back up at Ivan, who held the vase towards me. "Comrade?"
"Uhh.. yeah, Ivan?" I raised my eyebrow. I was confused at his actions.
"This is for you." He psuhed the vase closer to me. "Since you are my podruga, I will give you some. Do you like them?"
My face lit up and I took the vase carefully. "Oh, of course! I love sunflowers, Ivan! Thank you so much." I smiled at him. He really could be childish. He could even be sweet. "I'll put them in the living room so everyone can see them."
Ivan's smile widened. "Good." He paused and watched me grinning like an idiot at the flowers. "You have dimples, defender of men." He poked my cheek, right where one of my dimples were.
"Ah, geez, Ivan. Don't do that." I pushed the vase of sunflowers between my cheek and his finger and proceeded to go downstairs to the living room. Ivan stayed in his room, messing around with all his sunflowers. As I set the flowers down on a table, I heard a knock. I froze. The way I looked at it, it could be four things.
1. It could be a Flying Mint Bunny delivery person bringing me a new unit.
2. It could be Madge coming to kidnap me or to yell at Ivan.
3. It could be Audrey coming to bother me about whether I got any new units and fawn all over Russia.
4. Or it could be some stranger who was going to rob me of everything.
I hoped it was four.
...What?
(Psssht, I had Ivan. He'd beat the person to the ground, especially if he came near his sunflowers or vodka.)
I was not that lucky. When I opened the door it revealed a man, not much taller than me, with sandy brown hair and blue eyes. He wore the Flying Mint Bunny delivery uniform and he had a pierced ear. Behind him there was a large crate with a smaller box on the top.
He grinned lazily at me. "Yo. I'm Asher. You must be Sasha. I've got-"
"NO!" I screamed and slammed the door shut. I only had one unit right now, and that was plenty.
Asher knocked again. "Hey, don't slam the door on me."
I opened the door slowly. "S-sorry..."
"Anyways, I've got your new unit. Sign here." He held out an electric signer. I signed reluctantly and he brought in the packages.
"Well I'm off. Have fun with your new unit." He lughed and left, leaving me with the object of my hatred.
I went over to the box and opened the envelope with the manual. Well Audrey'd be happy. Madge and Ivan? Not so much.
'ALFRED F. JONES: User Guide and Manual'
I skimmed through the information (He'd respond to oi, fucktard? I'd have to try that...) until I reached the all important methods of opening.
'Removal of your ALFRED F. JONES from Packaging:
Your ALFRED F. JONES unit is a happy, energetic unit - for the most part - and there are rarely any problems with waking him up. It is impossible to accidentally knock him into a dangerous mode when removing him from his package; the most you need to worry about is him being too happy and energetic. In order to avoid that, we have provided you with a few ways that you can wake him carefully and get right to work on any reprogramming you might want to do!
1. Play the American national anthem, or any patriotic American song. Loudly. Your unit will respond immediately, singing horribly out-of-tune until the song is over; you can reprogram him during this time, and the faster you do this the faster he'll stop singing.
2. Put on a kid's superhero show or movie (preferably Superman or Batman) loud enough to be heard down the street. Your unit will whine for you to let him out of the box, and will run to the television as soon as you do. While he watches, you can reprogram him; however, be warned that if your chosen superhero is prone to striking heroic poses, your unit might jump up and do them as well.
3. Speak with a British accent or in Russian. ALFRED F. JONES will reply positively to the first one, and a little coldly to the second, but he will get up anyway.
4. Turn on his Tony unit. He'll insult you, ALFRED F. JONES will wake up shaking with laughter, and you'll be able to reprogram him then.'
I could do one and two, easily. Three would be harder. I was terrible with a British accent, but my Russian was... almost passable. Four was out because I didn't really wanted to be insulted.
"I'll do one," I decided out loud. I went to go grab my laptop from my room. It was pretty old so I didn't use it much, but I could use it to go on YouTube. I was currently saving up for a new one(Two days ago was when Ivan spent half of my savings for it, the damn alcoholic). I ran upstairs and to my room. I could hear a humming Ivan. He must still be arranging all those flowers.
I ran back downstairs and pulled up YouTube. I soon found a video with The Star-Spangled Banner and played it.
Immediantly terrible, loud singing came from the box. I turned off the song, but he kept singing.
"OOOOH, SAY CAN YOU SEEEEEE!"
"Alfred, shut up-"
"BYYYY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIIIIIGHT!"
"ALFRED, SHUT UP-"
"WHAT SO PROOOOOUUDLY WE HAAAILED, AT THE TWILIGHT'S LAST GLEAMING!"
I threw open the top and yelled, "ALFRED F. JONES, STOP MANGLING YOUR NATION'S ANTHEM BEYOND RECOGNICION!"
He looked at me for a second. "TOTALLY NOT COOL, DUDE! YOU MESSED UP MY SOLO!" He scrambled out of the box. "And my solo is important, 'cuz I'm the HERO!" He did his patented hero pose.
I put my hands on my hips. "That doesn't even make sense, Alfred," I huffed, rolling my eyes like the teenage girl I was.
"The hero doesn't have to make sense!" He looked around. "Oh, look! A Wii!"
I stood there for a few minutes before Alfred stopped looking through my games to turn to me. "Hey," he said, a frown on his face. "What's your name?"
"I'm Sasha. But I guess you can Sash." I shrugged.
Alfred suddenly grinned. "Dude, you're one of my citizens!"
"Nooo, really, dumbass?" I loved Alfred, I really did. But I was annoyed at getting these units coming here. And I only had two!
He came over and patted me on the back 'lightly'. He almost knocked me over. "Hey, can we go get McDonald's?"
I hadn't had McDonald's in a long time, and I liked having it a few times a year. "Alright. Sure, Al. Let me grab my keys and-"
"Kolkolkolkolkol..."
Aw, shit. Ivan came downstairs just in time for the McDonald's conversation. I swear I have the worst luck ever.
"COMMIE!" Al pointed at Ivan, yelling right in my ear. Thanks.
"Ah, Amerika. Privyet. Why are you messing with my comrade?" Ivan grinned at Alfred.
Alfred looked horrified. He grabbed me. "STAY AWAY FROM MY CITIZEN, YOU COMMIE!"
"I can't breathe very well," I said into Alfred's chest, where he was pressing my face. I was ignored.
"Nyet. Sasha will become one with Mother Russia one day, da?"
America pulled me away so he could look me in the face. He held me by the shoulders, and I was afraid my arms were going to pop out. "Sash! Tell me it's not true!" His face was even more horrified then before.
... Well, I could say no, and make Al happy but Ivan sad/angry/kill-y(What? It can be an emotion when it comes to Ivan!). Or I could say yes and freak out Al and make Ivan INSANELY(Literally. Even more so than usual) happy. However, depending on how I am 'one with him', I might become his servent.
So I took the third route.
"Well... isn't everyone going to be one with Mother Russia eventually?" A gasp came from Alfred, and I heard a giggle from behind me.
"Of course not!" Alfred let me go and stared at me in shock. "How can you believe that?"
"Because it is true, da?" Ivan was still giggling. He came up and hugged me. "Spasibo, Sasha. You did good, telling the durak[3] off like that." Well, at least he wasn't breaking my bones this ti-
Oh, there it is.
"YOU HUG SO HAAAARD!" I tried to pull away from Ivan's iron-clad grip.
"Sash! Don't worry! The hero will save you!" Alfred did his hero pose again, and I thought, oh good. He's finally doing something useful.
That is, until he ran off up the stairs, singing, "DADADADADADADADADADADADADA, AMERICAAAA!" Yep, a parody of the Batman song.
"THAT'S NOT SAVING ME, YOU IDIOOOOT!" Ivan hugged me tighter, lifting my feet from the ground. "So you are becoming one with me, da?"
"Uhhhh..."
Just then Alfred jumped off the top of the stairs, landing with a thud at the bottom. He now had a cape that looked suspiciously like my sheet I was about to wash.
My hero.
"The hero has returned," he shouted. He then proceeded to strip(WHAT THE FUCK?), revealing a pair of superman boxers. He stood with his fists on his waist and looked up. All he needed now was a wind to blow his cape.
Ivan let go of me, staring at Al in surprise.
"MY EYES," I cried. "I COULD HAVE GONE MY WHOLE LIFE WITHOUT THAT, ALFRED!"
-/Hetalia/-
"You don't have any good movies or games," Alfred whined, looking at my shelves full of PS2 games, Wii games, and movies.
It was the same day, and it had just gotten dark a few hours ago. Thankfully Alfred was dressed again, and everyone (yes, even me) had calmed down. Everyone agreed to watch a movie together, and Alfred had been given the privilege to pick it out. Because he's the hero. (According to him. But it was because I was sick of him complaining that I wasn't choosing any cool movies.)
"Well I don't like horror movies and most action movies. Can't we watch Rush Hour? It's funny AND full of action." I sat in the middle of the couch, the berrier between Al and Ivan. Why did I agree to this again? Oh, yeah. An annoying Al and a Ivan who stood behind him grinning at me.
"But I want to watch horror," Alfred protested, now looking through the channels on my TV for a movie.
"W-what about you, Ivan?" I turned toward the silent country, hoping he'd save me from having to watch something under the horror category.
No. Such. Luck.
"Horror sounds good, da?" He smiled creepily at me, and it felt like he was STARING INTO MY SOOOUL.
Paranoid much? Yes. Yes I am.
"Stop saying da, dude," Alfred said, looking over his shoulder at Ivan.
"Stop saying dude, da?" Ivan grinned at his fellow unit.
"Shut up, you commie-"
"RUSSIA IS NO LONGER COMMUNIST," I screeched, throwing my head into my hands. They both stared at me, and
I peeked back at them through my hands. "Uhh... hey, look! The Ring!" I pointed at the TV, where The Ring was about to start in fifteen minutes.
"Oh, hey! Cool!" Al threw himself onto the couch next to me, making his bowl of popcorn scatter crazily.
"Al! Don't make a mess." I flicked a piece at his forehead, resulting in a popcorn war.
It was not pretty. It took me days to get the butter smell off. DAYS. It ended with a large pile in Al's lap, a few pieces in his hair, and the bowl upturned on my head. Yeah, Russia got caught in the cross-fire when he leaned over to get his vodka...
Like I said, NOT PRETTY.
I left to get the popcorn, salt, and butter out of my hair and came back just in time.
"The movie is about to start, defender of men," Ivan informed me, looking up at me.
I sat between the two again, crossing my arms stubbornly. "Great. Just what I wanted to spend my night doing, freaking out."
"I KNOW, RIGHT?" Alfred's grin was full of stupidity and happiness.
Annoying, adorable America.
The movie started, and after a while I was shaking. "I'm not watching this," I said, wide eyed. I closed my eyes and brought a pillow over my eyes.
"DUDE! You have to watch!" Al himself was looking scared to death, but he pryed the pillow away from my face. I turned my head, but Ivan grabbed it and turnedit back to the TV.
"Da, Sasha. It is a good movie. Watch." Was he enjoying my pain? Bet he was.
"I CAN STILL CLOSE MY EYES!" I shut my eyes tightly, listening to the screams from the movie.
"Noooooo," Al said, opening my eyes.
"I need to blink, you know," I growled, trying not to watch the movie. "I feel like I'm in some sort of torture device."
Giggles errupted from Russia, but Al was absorbed in the movie again.
"IVAN DON'T DOO THIIIS!" I flinched as I watched the movie. Scary... gonna have nightmares...
"Nyet. Enjoy the movie, Sasha," he said in a sing-song voice.
-/Hetalia/-
I twitched as I walked upstairs. "Seven days... video tape... the well.." At each word my eye twitched. I dragged myself into my room and got ready for bed. I made sure my baseball bat was next to my bed (Totally only 'cause there had been a series of... um... murders lately. Yeah, I didn't want someone to kill me. Definitely wasn't because the movie freaked me out or anything) and tried to sleep.
I couldn't.
Eventually I heard a creaking noise, and my door opened. I let my hand drop and my fingers wrapped around the bat. I brought it up carefully. There was a dark figure standing in my doorway. Under one arm it held something shapeless - a sack? - and in it's other hand there was something weird. I couldn't even guess what that was. I jumped out of my bed with a battle cry and swung at the figure, catching him in the side.
"AH! GEEZ, DUDE! DON'T HIT THE HERO!" The person grabbed the bat and threw it into the hall.
"... Alfred? What are you doing here?" I turned on the light, revealing Al in his boxers (and yes, they were still Superman) and an undershirt, carrying a pillow and a teddy bear.
"Uh.. th-the hero thought you'd be afraid after the movie. So I, uh, came to check on you." Al shifted uncomfortably, and I realized he had been too scared to sleep as well.
"Thanks, Al. You're right; I can't sleep," I admitted to the blonde. He brightened up.
"Hey, how about I stay in here and sleep with you? To-to keep you safe, of course!" He gave me puppy eyes.
Damn Al puppy eyes. They were one of his best weapons.
"A-alright, Al. Fine." I went back to my bed. "Shut off the light."
"Okie-dokie!" He snapped the light switch off and leaped into bed, landing on my gut.
"Oof! G'roff," I wheezed, pushing the heavy guy off of me.
"Oops. Sorry, Sash!" Al cuddled under the blankets and set his glasses on my nightstand. "G'night, dude!"
I soon heard snoring. It was loud. Incredibly loud. It sounded like he was chainsaw-ing an iron door.
"Good night." Jesus Christ Superstar, this was worse than earlier. I was not going to get any sleep at all.
-/Hetalia/-
The next morning I woke up, hearing the patter of rain on the roof. I was also cold and suffocating.
Al had stolen all the covers except for a small patch. Pressed into my face. Cutting of my air supply. I tore it off and gasped for air, sitting up. I glared at the 'free country' and shoved a pillow into his snoring face. That should wake him up soon enough.
I grabbed clothes and changed in the bathroom before heading downstairs. I shivered, looking out my sliding glass doors leading out the back into the rain. It was actually cold today, and the rain was coming down hard.
Ivan wasn't up yet, so I decided to go into the kitchen and make breakfast. I took the frozen chocolate chip waffles from the freezer, making sure to avoid Russia's vodka this time. He had plenty, so him dragging me out to get more wasn't the problem. What WAS the problem, however, was cleaning up the stuff. It smelled disgustingly strong, and it was gross. Besides, he'd probably still freak out.
I made the deeeelicious waffles and sat at the table, pouring syrup all over them.
"Dohbruhee ootruh," Ivan said, walking into the kitchen. He pointed to my waffles. "Are those for me?" He turned on his creepy smile, staring straight at me.
"... Yes," I sighed, pushing them over to him. He sat down and started eating happily. I got up and put some more in the toaster before I heard a knock on the door.
Oh joy, visitors. I went into the living room and to the door, opening it. Madge, decked out in a yellow raincoat and holding a blue umbrella barged in, shaking off her wet umbrella and closing it. She took off her coat and threw it on my couch. My DRY couch.
"Hey!"
"It's raining cats and dogs out there, Sasha. Did you want me to stand out there and get a cold? Because then I'd have to come over and stay with you, since I can't take care of myself when I'm sick." She looked at me, daring me to argue with her.
She lived in a sizable apartment on her own, a gift from her parents. So when she was sick, she always insisted on coming over and spending the night until she recovered.
Damn her and her logic.
"By the way, GerIta." She flashed a grin at me. This argument had been going on for months now.
"SPAMANO, DAMN IT!" I narrowed my eyes at her before I noticed someone else walk in.
"Geez, it started pouring so suddenly. I'm soaked. At least I brought an umbrella." It was Audrey, decked out in her usual black ensemble. She didn't have a coat, since she almost NEVER got cold. But the thing that impressed me most was her umbrella. It had the Hetalia cast all over it.
"You finished it!" I grabbed the umbrella and ushered her inside, closing the door. "So cool!" It had all the Allies and Axis Powers.
"Yeah." She smiled. "Took me longer than I thought. But I finished it just in time, eh?" I laughed and nodded.
"DUDE, LOOK WHAT I FOUND!" America ran down the stairs, holding up my video camera. He grinned at us. "Hey, more of my citizens!"
"You got America?" Madge facepalmed. "Well, I'm Madge, and that's our friend Audrey."
Audrey stared at me. "Sasha?"
"Yeah?"
"You got America?"
"Uh-huh. He's standing right in front of us."
She the started to strangle me. "SASH! WHY DON'T YOU CALL ME WHEN THESE THINGS HAPPEN?" She shook me.
"AH! LEMME GO, AUDREY! I JUST GOT HIM YESTERDAY! I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO CALL YOU BECAUSE OF THIS IDIOT BEING WEIRD AND TORTURING ME!" At the word 'torturing', giggling came from the kitchen. "IVAN, EAT YOUR WAFFLES!"
Alfred had been laughing like a maniac, but at the word 'waffles' he quit. "Oh, yum! I was starving!" He ran into the kitchen to steal my waffles.
"MY WAFFLES," I cried, throwing off Audrey and running after him. I got there in time to see him chewing on the waffles, syrup going everywhere. "NO!"
"Relax, Sash," Madge said. "There's four left." She grabbed two and put them in the toaster. Was she making them for me? How nice. They popped up and she put them on a plate. I moved forward to take them, but she dodged my hands and went to the table. "These are for me. Get your own."
My mouth fell to the floor. Behind me I heard Audrey speak. "Oh, goodie! There's two left for me."
I fell to my knees, being dramatic. "NOOOOOO! MY WAFFLES! WHHYYYYYY? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?"
Every one except Al stared at me, weirded out. He just started talking with his mouth full. "Anyways, I found Sash's camera!" He held up my small red camera in triumph. Was that syrup and a piece of waffle falling out of his mouth? Ew. And don't get me started on him taking my camera without permission.
"Cameras are awesome! I'm going to take some good videos with this!" Alfred shoved more waffles in his mouth.
I stared at everyone with puppy eyes. They had taken all my choco chip waffles. They all avoided my eyes, feeling guilty. Good. They deserved it. "You guys... stole all my choco chip waffles... I'm hungry too, you know."
Ivan smiled at me. "Didn't you say you had extra waffles in the freezer in the shed?" He ate another piece, chewing slowly.
"YES!" I looked outside. "But it's really raining hard... I think I'll just get an umbrella."
"C'mon, Sash!" Alfred looked at me. "Just run out there and back in. It won't take long at all."
I bit my lip. I didn't really want to get all wet. But it wouldn't take long ago, and I was starving. I decided when my belly growled. "Alright. I'm going to hurry." I opened the sliding glass doors and went to the shed. Indeed, in the freezer was a extra box of chocolate chip waffles (IVAN I LOVE YOU) surrounded by vodka. So... much.. vodka.
I tucked the box under my arm and ran back. Wait... Why was everyone gathered in front of the glass doors? And why the hell was Al video taping me? I tried to open the door but it wouldn't budge. "GUYS! LET ME IN!" I pulled the handle again. Locked.
Alfred was laughing loudly, Ivan was giggling (I TAKE BACK MY LOVE FOR YOU, IVAN), and Madge and Audrey were falling over each other snickering.
I was getting soaked. Water dripped off my hair and down me. There was a puddle forming at my feet. "Guys, seriously! I'm all wet!"
"Admit GerIta's better than Spamano." Of course Madge would take this oppurtunity to try to get me to give in.
"No! Spamano for the win!" I held my ground.
"Admit that I'm better at finding anime than you!" Great, now Audrey was taunting me.
"No chance, Aud. I showed you Hetalia, remember? Don't diss the anime finding skills." Audrey puffed out her cheeks angrily and crossed her arms.
"Become one with Mother Russia, da?" Ivan smiled at me through the glass, his giggles stopping suddenly.
"No!" Al looked like he had an idea. He whispered into everyone's ears (Yes, even Ivan, you RussiaxAmerica fangirls) his 'genius plan'.
I hate America's genius plans.
Everyone snickered and nodded, and Alfred turned back to me. "Dance[5]."
"WHAT? NO WAY!" I shivered, wrapping my arms around myself. I'd just use the front door.
"Guess you'll be staying out there than," Audrey said, grinning mischeviously.
"Because we locked all the other entrances," Madge finished, looking smug.
"Dance, defender of men," Ivan said, eyes sparkling. "I want to see you dance."
"Yeah, yeah!" America fist-pumped, still holding the camera at me. "Do it! We'll let you in if you do! Like, do the Running Man!"
"The Sprinkler!"
"The Cabbage-Patch!"
"The Kazachok[6]," Ivan added.
We all stared at him.
"Um... no," Madge said.
"But I wanna see her do the.. the Kassychook!" Audrey said, stomping her foot.
"I don't even know how," I protested.
"Fine," she said. "But do the rest or you stay out there."
I groaned and fisted my hands, bringing them up to chest level. I circled them around and around(Cabbage Patch), and Ivan, Audrey, and Madge started to clap. I quickly moved to the Sprinkler, puttting one hand behind my head and using the other as the 'sprinkler'. Finally I moved to my personal favorite- er, most dreaded nightmare, the Running Man. I pumped my fists in and out and slid my feet back and forth.
The others couldn't breathe they were laughing so hard. Al almost dropped my camera half way through. A chuckling Ivan opened the door and I rushed inside, still holding my waffles. "I'm soaked! You guys are imbeciles!" I smacked Al, Audrey, and Madge in the back of the head. I was NOT about to mess with Ivan though. I stomped away, heading upstairs to change.
I could hear Alfred in the background. "Dude, she totally was soaked. Good thing France wasn't here.."
"SHUT UP, ALFRED!" I threw the waffles at him, efficently hitting him in the head.
My friends are evil.
-/Hetalia/-
[1] - Good morning.
[2] - Sunflowers. However, I'm PRETTY sure that I used the singular form. I couldn't find the plural form, and I don't like using Cyrillic characters just because I can't pronounce them.
[3] - Fool.
[4] - I've never seen The Ring. I don't watch scary movies. So if I get anything wrong from the vague things I put... deal. xD
[5] - This is from America's Funniest Home Video's. Ironic, no? *laughs* It won first place. This women kept making her husband dance before he could come in. It was hilarious and I thought I could use it for my fic.
[6] - Russian/Ukrainian dance with the whole squat and leg kick thing.
Geez my version of Russia is clingy. O.o
AND NO NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO END UP SLEEPING WITH SASHA. DX I MEAN, MOST LIKELY. OBVIOUSLY ITALY MIGHT. IT JUST HAPPENED. LEAVE ME ALOOONE! DON'T JUDGE MEE! *cowers in corner*
XD I again had fun writing this. Hope you had fun reading it. Review, if you would be so kind.