Lily came running at him as soon as he made it through the door. "There you are! I was so worried!" She threw her arms around him, but let go quicker than he would have liked. "James came out of that door instead of you and I thought you'd failed and he said he let you pass through and-" She let out a cry of frustration and turned away from him, mumbling as she walked. He had to jog a bit to catch up with her.
"He never should have done that," she said to no one but herself. "Never. Never. Never."
"It… seemed like… a nice gesture," he said, trying to get in on the conversation. And part of him was glad that he didn't have to face a struggle with Potter like the one with Black.
"Severus!" She turned to him. "This is your soul we're talking about! This isn't like life. There isn't something after this. You get one shot and that's it. One! And if you blow it, it's over. And, oh!" She turned around and started walking again.
Okay, so she was going to talk to herself. Probably better to just leave her alone.
"If they don't consider it a pass," she said. "If they consider it a fail and you… James Potter, why did you do that?"
She didn't stop talking to herself, not even when they reached the next door. Lily walked right up to it and put her hand on the doorknob as though she was going through it and not Severus. Then she gasped and pulled her hand away, rubbing it as though she'd been burned.
"What is it?" he asked.
"It's… it's cold," she said.
It was curious that something cold could have that kind of an effect on her. Severus strode forward and touched the doorknob. Something went straight through him, like he'd swallowed an ice cube. And yet, somehow, that ice cube burned.
He let go of the door and the warmth of the light surrounding them drowned out the cold left by the door.
"Why don't we take a break?" Lily suggested. She sat down on the floor without waiting for an answer.
"Do you know what's in there?" Severus asked.
She took a deep breath. "Murder."
Severus turned toward the door. He didn't need to imagine what Lily had meant. He had a pretty good idea of what he'd see in there.
He sat down next to her on the floor. She sighed, then reached over and took his hand. Holding it in one hand over her lap, she traced his scars and fractures with the other. "You've healed a lot already. Did you notice?"
He shook his head. "How can you tell?" In truth, he hadn't noticed until just then when she mentioned it. Though he could see that there were less lines spider webbing their way over his soul, he didn't want her to stop what she was doing.
She continued tracing the lines with her fingertips. "All those small lines are gone. You can still see the deeper ones, but…" She traced a line that wasn't as deep as the others, but it was long. It ran from his hand all the way down his arm and further. As she traced his forearm, he shivered and pulled his hand back. "Sorry."
"No," he said, rubbing his arm. "No, it's okay."
She sighed again and looked toward the door.
"So, ah," Severus tried changing the subject. "Has anyone passed the test that you hadn't expected?"
"Well… no." And then her eyes lit up. "Yes! Grindelwald passed."
Severus was taken aback. "Really?" She was speaking about the same Grindelwald he was thinking of, wasn't she? "The dark wizard?"
She nodded. "I've seen him around… quite a lot actually. Did you know he and Dumbledore were really good friends before he went to the dark side?"
Severus was even more taken aback. "No… I didn't…" And then, he had a terrible thought. "Does that mean, the Dark Lord could pass?"
"No," Lily she said, and her face became very serious. "No, he couldn't. And I'm not saying that because I don't like the idea. I'm saying it because he literally can't. He'll never have to even face the tests."
"How is that possible?"
"Murder, as I've said," and here she glanced at him, "fractures the soul. But even though your soul is split, it's still able to hold itself together. When Voldemort created his horcruxes, he went beyond fractures: he ripped his soul apart. And there's no fixing that."
"So, when he dies…?"
"Upon Voldemort's death or the destruction of his horcruxes, the pieces of his soul will end up here. But a soul, once ripped apart, can not be joined back together. The pieces of Voldemort's soul will be their own separate entities, unable to function or do anything. Forever yearning to be whole again."
"A fitting fate, I guess."
Lily shook her head. "I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not when I know how good this feels." She brought a hand to her chest, indicating her completed soul and the light that radiated from it. "I can only imagine how terrible the alternative would be."
They fell into silence, and Severus contemplated the door behind him. "I have to go through it, don't I?"
Lily nodded. "Yes, you do."
Severus stood. "And here I was hoping you would tell me you picked the wrong door."
Lily climbed to her feet. "You think you're ready?"
No, he thought to himself. "Ready as I'll ever be." Before he could talk himself out of it, he grasped the doorknob and forced his way into the cold.
And it was cold. Like the cold of the Hogwarts dungeons multiplied by ten. Severus was surprised his breath didn't form in front of his face. But then, he was a soul, after all. He wasn't actually breathing.
It was dark. He could see light, but even it had a cold blue hue to it. It wasn't bright and warm like the light he'd gotten used to seeing.
He was walking down a bricked path, darkness to either side of him. At length, he saw a faint light ahead of him. The path turned toward the light and he found himself forced to follow. His legs moved without his consent and he couldn't tear himself away.
As he neared the light, he could see it fell upon a scene from his Death Eater years. His feet forced him to the exact spot he had stood when the memory occurred and he watched it play out before him. As the victim on the ground pleaded for his life, Severus felt his hand moving of its own accord. His hand raised an invisible wand, the wand he didn't have. And then his lips formed the words Avada Kedavra. As a green light flashed and the victim fell dead, a facture in Severus' soul burned ike it was being newly made.
He went on like that for a long while, visiting memory after memory, his soul burning.
Part way through his journey, he had the feeling he was being watched. As he glanced behind him, he could see the victims of his memories following him. Whenever he stopped to view a memory, they would also stop. Whenever he started moving again, they would also move, but they always remained the same distance away from him.
He found it disturbing, having these people following him. At times, he wanted to run to put more distance between him and them. But his feet were locked into one steady pace. He could not speed up, slow down, stop, or turn around of his own free will. He had to keep following the path. And as he did, the group of victims behind him grew larger and larger.
Why are they following me? What do they want?
And then the path stopped. There was no more light. He had reached the end.
And his feet could move.
He turned slowly to face the group behind him. They seemed to be whispering to him.
What were they? They couldn't be souls. They didn't hold any light. He was more prepared to believe they were figments of his own nightmares come to life.
A man stepped to the front of the group. Severus recognized him. He was a muggle man. The first murder he had ever committed.
"Severus." The man stretched out his arms and beckoned to him. Severus wanted nothing more than to run. But he forced his feet forward.
The whispering grew louder as he approached, and it caused him to stop. He didn't want to be here with these people, with these things.
"Severus. Severus." The muggle man beckoned him again.
As Severus drew closer, he could feel the fractures of his soul beginning to burn once again. He stopped a second time. No, he didn't like this. What was this? What was he supposed to do? "What do you want?" he said.
The muggle man only beckoned. Severus forced himself to continue forward.
"Severus. Severus."
He stopped again. The muggle man motioned with his arms.
"No. Tell me what you want."
"Severus. Severus."
They weren't souls. They couldn't be souls. Souls weren't cold and dark. So, what the hell were these things? Why was soul burning?
"Severus. Severus."
"Leave me alone!" He turned and ran, away from the group, away from the blue light, into the darkness.
The group fallowed. He could hear their pounding footsteps. They were coming for him, to take him, he was sure. But he couldn't run far. He was burning.
"Severus. Severus!"
And then they were on top of him, surrounding him, reaching for him.
"No! No, stop! Please!" He fell to the floor, away from their reaching hands. "Please, no!" One of them grabbed him and he screamed as he struggled.
"Severus! Severus, stop! It's all right!"
The group was gone. Lily had hold of him instead. "Lily, what-?"
"You have to forgive yourself."
"I-what? How can I-?"
"Trying asking them for forgiveness first." She started to pull away from him.
"Lily, no. Don't! Please."
"I have to, Sev. I'm sorry." She was prying at his fingers. "I wasn't supposed to interfere. I have to go."
"Lily!" He reached out for her. But pain shot through him and he was back with the group of people he'd murdered.
"Severus. Severus!"
"No, please! I'm sorry!" He yelled and waved his arms aimlessly, trying to push them away from him. "I'm sorry! Stop, please!" As they pressed in around him, he pulled his knees to his chest, covering his head with his hands. His fear overtook him. "Forgive me. Please, forgive me."
He'd always hardened himself after a murder. Some, in his stupid youth, he'd enjoyed. But as an adult he'd told himself murder was what he'd had to do to keep himself alive, to keep Voldemort believing in him. Now, as he lay in a fetal position on the floor, tears started flowing, tears he'd never let fall before. Years of pent up emotion came pouring out. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
The burning lessened. The group had backed away. As Severus unburied his head from his knees, he could see the muggle man standing over him. The man reached down and grasped him arm. Severus cried out in pain, feeling as though someone had touched a hot poker to his arm. But a moment later, the pain was gone. He looked down at his arm as the man released him and he saw the fracture that had been there had vanished. He looked up at the man, who was now glowing with the warm light Severus was used to seeing.
The man smiled and then passed him by. Severus sat up as the group of people in front him came nearer. He remembered all of their faces. And as they approached him singularly, he said the names of those he knew.
As the each person approached, they would touch him, his soul would burn, but then one more fracture would be gone. The victim standing over him would glow with light, no longer the revenge seeking victim he had imagined in his nightmares but a pure and happy soul. They would pass by him and a new nightmarish victim would approach.
They seemed to come up in order according to how severe a fracture they had left on him. Each touch felt worse than the last. And yet each healing felt more wonderful than the one before. He was in tears again before long and he couldn't stop them flowing. His soul was in a constant fluctuation of extremes between pain and joy and he couldn't contain the dueling emotions.
The last person to come forward had left a fracture in his soul running the length of his chest right down the middle. He was in pain before the man was within five paces of him. Severus fell again to the floor, sobbing.
"Albus. Albus, I'm so sorry."
Dumbledore kneeled down, his eyes dark and expressionless, the rest of his face just as lifeless. He reached a cold, grey hand toward Severus, who cried out in pain that forced further tears from his eyes.
"Oh, my dear, Severus." Dumbledore was still kneeling over him, now radiating warmth and light - not unusual for him even in life. He smiled gently as he slid a hand beneath Severus and helped him sit up. "Had I known what it would do to you… I would never have asked. At least, not so coldly."
Overcome with the emotion filling his soul, Severus surprised the both of them as he pulled the man to him and continued crying into his shoulder.