Okay, school's over, wedding's over, the evil SAT's decided they'd like to be over in October (don't get me started on that one).

So, that left me with only one thing to do, and I don't own anything!

Uozumi

::drum roll please::

Back by popular demand!

::trumpet fanfare::

How to Take Care of Your Astrophysicist

as told by Colonel Jack O'Neill

Now, if you want someone who will imprint on your humor style, side with the evil doctor, and be the only woman in your SG-1 team, may I suggest you get a wonderful astrophysicist! Not to be compared with your archaeologist (also known as the Space Monkey), this astrophysicist will back you up when necessary even if she tries to crack jokes that only you can.

"You are not doing that again, are you?"

"And, why not?" Jack didn't look up from his laptop as Daniel sighed.

"Because…because…"

"See? You can't give me an answer, so that makes it just fine!" Jack crowed, then reread his paragraph.

"It sounds like you're putting an ad in the paper for a dog."

"Not a bad idea, Space Monkey, not bad at all.

Your astrophysicist comes with brains and brawn. Not only did she get straight A's in high school, and make the Dean's List numerous times, but this astrophysicist knows how and when to use a zat gun - handy dandy incase you run across some rabid telemarketers!

"'Rabid telemarketers?'"

"Shush you," Jack pursed his lips, furrowing his brow in concentration.

"What about rabid telemarketers?"

Instantly Jack and Daniel's attentions snapped to the doorway where Sam stood, eyebrow raised. "Good of you to be here, Major."

Sam just gave Jack a "Dare I ask what you're doing?" look.

Your astrophysicist is very smart not only with books, but with people too. If you try to pull one over her, she'll always see through it, even if you have to wave it in front of her face a few times.

"Nice, Jack."

"Shush, Space Monkey."

Sam walked deeper into the office room, peering over at the screen, "What are you writing? Another 'report?'"

"Precisely," Jack nodded, his fingers flying again.

Now, when you're up against some Jaffa, this astrophysicist can kick tail, but if you're up against Tok'ra, well…

"What the…? What is this, Colonel?"

…Well, just tell them they need to have her home by ten p.m.

"Oh, this is a care guide."

"A care guide?"

Just like Space Monkeys, astrophysicists are equipped with the inquisitor button. Once you pop it, you can't stop it.

"What's a care guide?"

"It's simple little piece called 'fanfiction.'"

"'Fanfiction,' sir?"

"Yes, 'fanfiction,' Major."

If you dance around the question, sometimes she gives up.

"Sir, General Hammond sent me in here to say that there's a meeting in only a few minutes…."

"And, I will be there, Major, I just have something to finish up first."

"Surely the meeting is more important than this, Jack."

"Shush, Space Monkey."

However, if you get too wrapped up in your dosey-doing, you might just get Space Monkey involved, and then you will be forced into slave labor (for example: meetings.) Meetings are evil things that astrophysicists attend without question. They can lead to many things, but never good things, unless you can count the one where SG-1 was formed.

"Colonel Jack O'Neill, General Hammond would like to know when you are planning to grace him with your presence in the meeting hall."

"Hey, Teal'c," Jack waved from his computer, "I'll be there in five."

"Five?" the Jaffa blinked, "Five what, Jack O'Neill?"

"Hours."

Did I ever mention how sarcastic Space Monkeys are these days? Anyway, if you really insist on getting an astrophysicist, you can't have ours.

"Hours? I don't think he wants to wait that long, Dr. Jackson."

You can't have ours because without ours, SG-1 isn't SG-1.

Now, if you want a Space Monkey on the other hand…

"Are you done yet, Jack?"

"One more sentence or two, Space Monkey, keep your glasses on."

Anyway, astrophysicists are great investments, but if you want ours, you'll have to go through SG-1 first.

The End

"Jack, are you done now?!"

"I told you to keep your glasses on, Space Monkey!"

"I had to clean them - sue me!"

"Dr. Jackson, Colonel O'Neill, the meeting…"