MST3k-Mark II
Episode 3: And it'll do your laundry, too!
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of MST3k, neither do I own the original fanfiction.
[CAMBOT's view turns to the captives of the second Satellite of Love, who are enjoying a rough, though game of scrabble].
CROW: Alright, so I put down my three zees and spell the word "zzz".
TZIGANE: That's not a…
SERVO: Good move, Crow. That's 64 points. My turn… let's see… A-W-F-U-L… if I put it here, it makes the word "bloodygodawful".
TZIGANE: But that's…
MIKE: Let it go, Tzigane. After a while, you'll learn it's just easier to go with the flow. So the final score is 680 for Crow, 760 for Servo, 13 for me and 78 for Tzigane.
TZIGANE: You know, if you take into account the fact that I barely have enough processing power left to run Solitaire, and that I HAVE NO ARMS, 78 is actually very good.
[SERVO and CROW snicker]
CROW: No it's not.
[Suddenly, the tv set turns itself on, and the face of Dr. Erhardt comes into view]
DR. ERHARDT: Hello there, Mikey-Mikey.
MIKE: Oh, joy. Elvis Costello's here.
DR. ERHARDT: Huh, thank you?
SERVO: Mike, you don't know who Elvis Costello is, do you?
MIKE: …I just wanted to be witty.
[The trio moves to the living room and sits down on the couch].
SERVO: So what are watching today?
CROW: Or reading, I'm losing track of what we're doing.
DR. ERHARDT: Today you're reading "My immortal", a Harry Potter fanfiction featuring the world's most gothic Mary Sue. Enjoy.
MIKE: We've got… FANFIC SIGN!
Title: My Immortal: Bring Me To Life Category: Books » Harry Potter Author: XXXmidnitegoffXXX Language: English, Rating: Fiction Rated: M Genre: Romance/Angst Published: 10-17-08, Updated: 10-18-08 Chapters: 44, Words: 21,541
MIKE: Something tells me this is from that place with all the fanfictions.
SERVO: Yes, but how can you tell?
CROW: *groan* 20 thousand words… that's just… long.
Chapter 1: Chapter 1
SERVO: Wow, they were really thinking outside the box with that chapter title.
MIKE: So far outside the box, the box is a dot to her now.
I dcied 2 put diz on my nu akont as fanfc dleted da otha verzon.
SERVO: According to my universal translator, this was either "I decided to put this on my new account as fanfiction-dot-net deleted the other version" or "I'm functionally retarted".
CROW: My universal translator said it was "drinnng"
SERVO: That's the kitchen timer, you don't have a translator.
Diz wuz riten 2 yers ago, wile Reven wuz stll ailv, so i stll hd a gud proredr.
MIKE: This Raven person, did she, by any chance… kill herself?
So diz stry is detacatd 2 u raven Im sory dat i wuz so men 2 u otha doz yers.
MIKE: She's sorry, but evidently, she's not going to stop being mean.
SERVO: Mike, if I ever die, don't dedicate any stories to me.
im truli sory!11 Dis isa poam dat iv ritten 4 u:
Imortal Goffik
MIKE: (Makes a long guttural noise)
Lonly as dey mayb Cum 2 me agan Inotha lif 4 ill di sun Cuz u nt her & im nt der
MIKE: Tom, you're bound to know this, huh… how do you know if you're having a stroke?
SERVO: You should be able to understand what's written.
CROW: Hey, remember 11 years ago, when I was frozen and turned in a Christmas tree? That was neat, let's do that again.
Mai we b demns Of Imortl Gofik
Tara Gilesbie
MIKE: That's how I like my poems, short and… huh, short.
2 al doz flamrs, u fukn sukd. U compland abut hw muck mi stry suxd, wll u sux evn mor.
CROW: Well, it's hard to argue with that.
If u hat diz fic den FUK OFF!11111
(Fangz 2 Gareth Vandersleld 4 recovaing diz fic, dat ment alt 2 me)
SERVO: Crow, put this Gareth person on the list.
CROW: Which one?
SERVO: Er, all of them. 'cept the one with Jessica Alba on it.
Chapter 2: Chapter 2
AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven,
MIKE: Is that "ew" because she's a girl or because she's a dead person?
bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling.
MIKE: Obviously bloodytearz666 didn't do any overtime.
U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!
CROW: Is that, like, the date in roman numerals or something?
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Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way
MIKE: I think a name like that borders on child abuse.
SERVO: Darkness Dementia? Are you sure she's not missing an "Adams" somewhere in there?
and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)
MIKE: That must've been a painful and awkward birth.
with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back
MIKE: Huhuh…
and icy blue eyes like limpid tears
MIKE: Huh… huh…
and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).
MIKE: ZzZzZz…
CROW: Mike, Wake up!
MIKE: Huh? I'm awake!
I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.
SERVO: So she WISHES she had a thing for her… brother? Cousin?
CROW: Awkward…
I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch,
CROW: So she's a vampire AND a witch. Something tells me she's also something else… something that starts with an M…
MIKE: Too obvious, let's just move along.
and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black.
MIKE: She probably won't stand out as much at Hogwarts, though.
I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.
MIKE: Ugh, my God, is this a story or her MySpace profile?
SERVO: I don't think the two are mutually exclusive in this case.
For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots.
SERVO: And a large, black robe. Which is what all students at Hogwarts wear.
CROW: Unless she's movie-verse.
SERVO: If she was, she'd be cut.
I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining
MIKE: At the same time?
so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.
SERVO: So she's a perky goth?
CROW: So no sudden vaporization by a stray sunlight beam, huh? Damn the flanderization of vampires during the last decade. I blame Buffy.
A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
MIKE: I feel a growing empathy and understanding of the character.
SERVO: What are you talking about?
MIKE: Reading this fic is making me die inside.
"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!
MIKE: Dum dum Dah!
"What's up Draco?" I asked.
"Nothing." he said shyly.
SERVO: There's just so many plot twists, I'm literally on the edge of my seat.
CROW: Draco. Shy. Riiiiiiight…
But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.
MIKE: So she's a gothic witch vampire, who puts up the middle finger when people so much as look at her, and yet has friends. I bet they're a charming bunch.
SERVO: If you catch them between blood orgies and animal sacrifices.
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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!
MIKE: Who's this fangz person she keeps referring to?
SERVO: Jack Chick's dog-thing, I think.
CROW: Kudos to anyone who got that reference.
Chapter 3: Chapter 3
AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!
MIKE: Perhaps that's a clue to something, don't you think?
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The next day I woke up in my bedroom.
CROW: Well, that certainly makes a change. Usually I wake up in someone else's bedroom. Who would've thought that the Ravenclaw Quidditch team had such stamina?
It was snowing and raining again.
MIKE: Again. At the same time?
I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.
MIKE: There goes the Sears catalogue.
SERVO: I swear, she's going to try and sell us black and pink, lacey, topperware thingies by the time this fic ends.
CROW: But they're such great bargains.
I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on.
MIKE: All ready for a night out, then. Er, day. This is confusing.
SERVO: I'm half surprised the author didn't took this opportunity to write up some softcore porn.
CROW: Just wait, I can see the IKEA erotica coming from a mile away.
I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.
My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)
MIKE: You mean the dead person?
woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.
SERVO: Is she a vampire too?
MIKE: Should I mention that people usually open their eyes when they wake up and not five minutes after, or is that just too obvious?
CROW: Whatever, you just did.
SERVO: If this Raven person is actually Willow. Who's Ebony?
CROW: She's Tara, the author.
MIKE: Huh.
SERVO: I can feel the lesbian undertones.
She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)
MIKE: G-o-o-o-d! Is this any relevant? Is there going to be a murder and the only clue we have is that the murderer had a Marilyn Manson t-shirt?.. Actually I'd enjoy that.
SERVO: Keep your cool, Mike. I see dialogue up ahead, the endless description is over.
CROW: So's the whole day.
"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.
MIKE: How very upbeat for a gothic witch vampire.
"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.
MIKE: But, under her twenty pounds of white foundation, it was undetectable.
SERVO: Are you sure she's blushing, and that some inopportune ray of sunshine didn't hit her in the face, no? Ok, go on.
"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.
MIKE: So they're Slytherins. I thought the Sorthing Hat would've, you know, created a special house for them. Like someplace at the bottom of the lake. Or someplace really sunny.
"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.
SERVO: So they're gothic vampire-witches…
MIKE: Who act like thirtheen year old girls high on sugar.
CROW: And dress like 23 year old skanks.
"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.
"Hi." he said.
"Hi." I replied flirtily.
MIKE: OH MY GOD! Ebony, he said "hi" to you, he must totally love you!
SERVO: Shut up, Willow-Raven, boys are gross!
CROW: Yeah, now let's make out!
SERVO: …That's not where I was going, Crow.
"Guess what." he said.
MIKE: And it's time for another fantastic edition of… Complete the guess!
SERVO: I'm guessing… the sixth dermatologist came and now they're all recommending long exposure to sunlight for gothic vampires?
CROW: I'm guessing… she's been voted off the island. I mean the castle.
"What?" I asked.
MIKE: She's really no fun.
"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.
[MIKE & The bots simply stare]
MIKE: Good Charlotte are… having a concert in Hogsmeade.
SERVO: Sure. 2009's tour is New York, Montreal, Hogsmeade, and if they have time, London, Paris and Rome.
"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC.
MIKE: No coffee for Ebony…
SERVO: Or the blood of someone who recently drank caffeine.
They are my favorite band, besides MCR.
"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.
I gasped.
MIKE: Please let it be because of a stake through the heart.
Chapter 4: Chapter 4
AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.
MIKE: I have lost the will to live.
SERVO: While I agree that flaming is rather stupid, the fact that so many people appear to give harsh criticism should serve as some sort of alert signal to tell her her story ain't no good.
CROW: Then why aren't we giving detailed, insightful criticism to help her improve instead of just delivering snarky comments?
SERVO: Because it's funny?
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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress
MIKE & THE BOTS: WE! DON'T! CARE!
SERVO: How hard is it to simply write "I dressed". How about letting us in on her thoughts, getting some character development? Right now she's little more than a cardboard cutout or a Barbie doll.
CROW: Would explain all the dress-up.
with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms.
MIKE: (Grumpy) I hope she's fat.
I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.
[Everyone simply keels over]
MIKE: She's going to see a group she loves with a guy she's crazy about! What does she have to be depressed about?
SERVO: She slit one of her wrists… she slit one of her wrists… she…
[MIKE hits SERVO over the head]
SERVO: Thanks, I needed that.
CROW: Well, you wanted character development.
SERVO: Great, now she's a batshit cardboard cutout. Weepee!
I read a depressing book
MIKE: Seriously? What was it? My immortal: The fanfic, the movie, the novel?
while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner.
MIKE: TONS. That's important. TONS.
SERVO: Bet she'll have really muscular eye… muscle… things… argh!
Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.
MIKE: Why am I picturing like, half the student body dead and lying around her crypt?
SERVO: Why does she bother drinking blood? She's just gonna lose it when she slits her other wrist.
I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.
MIKE: Which are illegal.
SERVO: …Wait, NOW you worry about canon?
CROW: Besides, what's illegal's cool.
He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too),
MIKE: Simple plan, seriously?
SERVO: I may able to excuse Good Charlotte by saying that she was feeling especially light and fluffy that day, minus the self-mutilation and stuff, but Simple Plan?
CROW: Simple Plan? Who else is at this concert, Celine Dion?
baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).
MIKE: Yeah, and so does their boyfriends!
"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.
SERVO: I want to jab that exclamation point in her eye.
MIKE: That tone, I want you and I must have you now.
CROW: Be careful what you wish for.
"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert.
SERVO: The place with the concert. Right…
CROW: And then, after, we went to, like, the place where there's food, and then the place where we had sex, and then the place where we slit our wrists.
On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.
MIKE: Maybe stoned she'll behave a little more like a goth.
SERVO: That's nice.
CROW: I could use one right about now.
MIKE: What? You have no lungs!
CROW: I still enjoy giving you cancer through secondary smoke, Mike!
When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.
SERVO: You know, if we'd replace the names and words "Draco" with "Bill" and "Hogwarts with "Generic boarding school", and removed the vampire and witches reference, would it change ANYTHING in the story?
CROW: What about the flying car?
SERVO: I blame the drugs.
"You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).
MIKE: I'm shocked and aghast.
SERVO: Me too.
CROW: Me three… What's aghast mean?
"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.
Suddenly Draco looked sad.
SERVO: I hope she brought her cutting kit.
"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.
"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.
CROW: Yeah, he's a hot, rich, band singer, and you're a cardboard cutout witch-goth jerkass acting completely out of character. There's no contest.
"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.
SERVO: No, I'm just messing with you.
"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel
MIKE: Which, I find, given her level of Mary Sue-ness, all gothic that she may be, surprising.
SERVO: That was very wordy, Mike.
MIKE: Thanks. Word of the day toilet paper.
and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.
MIKE: No jealousy there, no sir-y.
The night went on really well,
MIKE: Are you a depressed Goth who slits her wrist at nothing or a perky vampire who just enjoys recreational drugs and a good concert every now and then? Pick one and stick with it!
CROW: We have to replace the living room window. Canon, continuity and coherence just went right out of there.
and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them.
MIKE: In that order.
We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest!
MIKE: Dum dum… ah, screw it.
Chapter 5: Chapter 5
AN: I sed stup flaming
MIKE: They will if you stop writing.
ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!
SERVO: Her given name is Ebony, or… Enoby, apparently, but in her heart, it's Mary Sue.
DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent!
SERVO: Either that or it's the brain tumor eating away at his frontal lobes.
MIKE: Wish I had one of those right now.
dey nu eechodder b4 ok!
SERVO: Thank you for pointing that out here, and not, you know, in the story. That saves up space for one of those important wardrobe descriptions.
CROW: Where's Harry in all this?
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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"
MIKE: Make her get out of the car and drive off, please…
Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.
"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.
"Ebony?" he asked.
"What?" I snapped.
MIKE: Why's she so mad? Shouldn't this be, I dunno, dangerous and exciting for her?
SERVO: And also depressing, for some reason.
CROW: Seriously, where are the rest of the familiar Harry Potter cast?
Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts)
MIKE: For all the magic they have, they sure are acting a lot like muggles.
which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.
CROW: Yeah, depression and evil are such turn ons.
SERVO: Well, you know what they say, evil is sexy.
MIKE: And depression?
CROW: I'm going to go with "bi-polar" on this one.
And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately.
SERVO: Just as you… what?
Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.
MIKE: Now I want to slit my wrists.
He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra.
SERVO: With the amount of clothes she described putting out, that must've took about an hour.
CROW: That's her idea of foreplay.
Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.
MIKE: I feel so dirty.
SERVO: That is the orange of all lemons.
CROW: Insert part A in hole B. Take out. Repeat until part A is satisfied.
"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed.
MIKE: I knew it. She's Santa too.
SERVO: Don't you mean Satan?
MIKE: No, I meant she's a gothic witch vampire who brings presents to small children on Christmas' Eve.
I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"
SERVO: What, they're related?
MIKE: Is Draco really Gerard Way?
It was….Dumbledore!
SERVO: Out for his midnight stroll in the forbidden forest.
Chapter 6: Chapter 6
AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr!
MIKE: It's a hard choice, but I will choose the flame.
Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok
MIKE: No, NOT OK. You can't just handwave sloppy writing in one of your little author's notes. If you're going to use someone else's characters, at least have the decency to have them act correctly or justify their erratic behavior! What do you guys think?
SERVO: Huh? I wasn't listening to you.
CROW: Sure, a perm would look great on you Mike.
an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!
SERVO: …Why?
MIKE: Don't! She's going to bring up another "author's note".
PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!
MIKE & THE BOTS: FREEDOM!
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Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.
MIKE: Seriously, someone gave her good reviews?
SERVO: Her mother, that old Spanish woman who doesn't speak English, and three other people suspiciously called "TaraEbony", "EbonyTara" and "TheWriterFormelyKnownAsTara".
"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.
I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face.
SERVO: … Why?
CROW: Did she slit her eyelids now?
MIKE: I'm guessing she cries tears of blood because she's a vampire. Although WHY she's crying is a different matter.
SERVO: One minute, she's a depressed self-mutilating vampire, the next she's a hyper twelve year, now she's the girl of the week from One Tree Hill.
MIKE: I thought I made the pop culture references here?
Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.
MIKE: Why-y-y-y-y?
CROW : Shouldn't he be taking them to Madam Pomfrey to discuss safe sex or something?
SERVO: Why is McGonagall here? They're both Slytherin.
"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.
CROW: Sexual intercourse. That's the best way to describe it, it certainly wasn't "making love" or "having sex", there simply was no love or passion there.
SERVO: Is he mad about the fact that they were having sex or that they were in the forbidden forest?
"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.
SERVO: Again, which? Have sex or go in the forbidden forest?
"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.
And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"
SERVO: We know each other's names and have exchanged about a dozen words! It's true love!
MIKE: I mean, she's a vampire… with none of the charm of the Cullens, none of the raw sexual magnetism of Lestat, or even the coolness of Buffy's vampires. Who wouldn't want her?
Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."
MIKE: What the. What kind of discipline are they teaching? They insult them for a minute, then don't even address what they did and send them to their rooms? That's how six years old turn bad.
Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.
"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.
"Yeah I guess." I lied.
SERVO: Can't get characterization be constant across chapters? Three chapters ago, she seemed like the person who would put up the finger at Dumbledore.
I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels.
MIKE: That doesn't seem very comfortable to sleep in.
CROW: Comfortable is for pussies!
SERVO: She slits her wrists when she's mildly bummed, I doubt she cares about comfort.
When I came out….
MIKE: Knew it.
Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte.
[Mike & The Bots burst out laughing]
MIKE: Seriously?
SERVO: That's not like a romantic song, or even the intro to Dawson's Creek. It must sound ridiculous without any music.
I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.
Chapter 7: Chapter 7
AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!
MIKE: She keeps saying that, but she always does anyway.
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The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.
SERVO: Because she couldn't use a spell.
MIKE: This is like a fan of Harry Potter played a particularly tasteless madlib. The words are there but they make no sense in context.
In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood.
[MIKE & The bots make faces at the image of bloody Count Chocula cereal]
Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.
"Bastard!" I shouted angrily.
MIKE: Nothing gets blood out!
SERVO: …Yeah, that sounds about right.
I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it.
MIKE: Oh God, they're reproducing.
SERVO: Didn't anyone think the sudden increase in Goths had something to do with magic?
He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face
CROW: He was wearing so much eyeliner that SHE was slipping away from his face?
MIKE: Now there's an image.
and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's
MIKE: They're wizards and witches! Why don't they use magic?
SERVO: Mad-lib.
and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.
SERVO: Is he Harry Potter?
MIKE: How can you tell?
He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent.
SERVO: How? He hasn't opened his mouth yet.
MIKE: Of course, in England, they just call it speaking normally.
He looked exactly like Joel Madden.
MIKE: Then why not just use a half-assed excuse to get Joel Madden at Hogwarts?
He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.
CROW: That's it. She's twelve.
MIKE: She's a girl? Seriously? Didn't she want to add hermaphrodite to her never-ending list of qualitative?
"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.
MIKE: What's with them dressing to attract the most attention but then acting all shy?
"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.
"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.
SERVO: Vampire Potter?
MIKE: It hurts me. It physically hurts me.
"Why?" I exclaimed.
"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.
MIKE: Tee-hee!
SERVO: Glee!
CROW: Blood orgies!
"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.
"Really?" he whimpered.
"Yeah." I roared.
MIKE: The fact that she was drinking blood and putting more blood in her Count Chocula didn't tip you off?
CROW: She's just craving attention.
SERVO: No kidding?
We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.
MIKE: They're going to have sex. "I have a surprise" is the most subtlety this fic can muster.
Chapter 8: Chapter 8
AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws.
MIKE: Seriously? You did? Show them to me, I want proof.
n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!
MIKE: She has problems, alright. So. Many. Problems.
SERVO: I think she doesn't have a firm grasp on the concept of Mary Sue.
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Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).
[Mike & The bots stare for a minute]
MIKE: Yes. It so does.
I waved to Vampire.
SERVO: So she's not going to even bother to call him Harry Potter then.
Dark misery was in his depressed eyes.
MIKE: They shouldn't be eating Count Chocula, they should be eating spoonful of Zolofts.
I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door.
MIKE: They're dormitories!
CROW: Blood orgies!
SERVO: Quit it.
Then…
We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically.
MIKE: And an hour of layers of clothing later.
He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)
MIKE: (disbelieving) …Yes.
SERVO: I'm just happy she's not more descriptive about it.
CROW: Does she even know what his boy thing is? For all we know they're talking about his gameboy.
SERVO: There's an image.
"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm.
SERVO: How? They saw each other naked before.
MIKE: Might be a recent tattoo.
SERVO: There are no tattoo artists at Hogwarts!
CROW: They could just use, I don't know, magic?
SERVO: …right, they don't think about using magic to change their eyes or color their hair, but tattoos, no problem.
It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!
MIKE: (deadpan) what a plot twist.
I was so angry.
"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.
"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.
SERVO: You know absolutely nothing! All you saw was a tattoo with the word "vampire" in it, which, for all you know, might mean you!
"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"
MIKE: I'm surprised they're not using black leather condoms.
I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what
CROW: No, what? Right feet?
MIKE: Kylie Minogue CD collection?
SERVO : Speech impediment
but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.
SERVO: And she knew this… how?
MIKE: I honestly stopped caring about this making sense three chapters ago.
CROW: Why wasn't she in class?
"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.
SERVO: Dumbledore was right, she and Draco ARE related.
MIKE: So who is whose mother?
[The fanfic turns to static]
MIKE: …That was the worst thing. Ever.
CROW: You mean worse than…
MIKE: Let's not do that.
[Servo walks out of Cambot's sight range for a minute and returns with a game of monopoly.]
[Sometime later.]
SERVO: Welcome to Hotel Servo on the Boardwalk, Mike. You now owe me 17 gagillion dollars. I accept organs, if you're out of cash.
MIKE: Man, why do my little shoe feel like making a stop there every time? It's not like the service was so great last time.
SERVO: I resent that.
CROW: Ok, my turn, my turn!
[Crow rolls the dices and lands on a "chance". He picks up a card.]
CROW: You successfully pull of a Ben Maddof scheme, grab all the money of the other players and run off into the night.
TZIGANE: That card looks suspiciously handwritten, Crow. Handwritten by someone who has very stiff arms and fingers.
CROW: …She asked you a question, Mike!
[The tv turns itself on. A message reads: My Immortal, part 2.]