Jacob downed the last of the 10-year-old malt in his glass, bade farewell to the two young ladies who had been keeping him company, stepped outside the bar into the cool of the early morning and walked up the road to his hotel. It was 2am on Monday morning.
In the 5 days since he'd arrived in Geneva, he had settled into an uneasy routine. Into CERN by 8am, he worked a 12-hour day with Bernard, his French colleague. Because theirs was a short term 10 day project, they were on a tight timeframe and had to utilise their hours as effectively as possible. Finishing up about 8pm, the two men went for a meal and a few drinks on their way back to the hotel, taking time to relax and discuss the day's outcomes. Back at the hotel by 10, Bernard retired to his room to phone his wife and get some sleep. Jacob checked his emails, made any necessary phone calls and then left the hotel again about 11, making his way to one of the many bars in the hotel district.
He generally stayed for a couple of hours, in which time he was inevitably approached by a lonely woman or two for whom the idea of spending the evening with him apparently held a great deal of appeal, although he didn't really understand why. Depending upon his interest in them, he would generally extricate himself by about 1am, and return to the hotel for a shower and a few restless hours in bed before rising at 6am for a quick swim in the hotel pool, shower and breakfast.
Such was his glamorous life in Geneva he thought to himself ruefully, as he made his way back to the hotel. Still, at least the two Italian girls he'd been talking to tonight were attractive and funny and he'd enjoyed their company. He'd declined their offer to go up to their hotel room though. He figured he was in enough shit with Rachel after the argument about the corvette, without risking her finding out that he had spent two weeks tom-catting around Geneva. Although the temptation on nights like tonight was immense.
Exiting the elevator on his floor, he walked up the corridor to his room, slipped his key card into the door and the sensor flashed green. His eyes were immediately drawn to a flat package on the floor just inside the door. It was a courier envelope from Washington DC.
Kicking off his shoes, he examined the envelope, tore off the top and slid a smaller envelope out. On the front was written simply, 'Jake'. He knew from the writing that it was from Rachel.
Tossing the envelope on the bed, he poured himself a glass of soda water with lots of ice from the mini bar and set it by the bed, took off his jacket and belt and unbuttoned his shirt. He sat down on the bed to read the letter.
He hoped he wasn't going to regret this.
Dear Jake,
The first thing I need to say, because I can see you frowning right now, is that I've hand written this letter and sent it by courier because I want you to understand that everything I'm going to say is coming from the heart. I know it would be quicker to email, or even quicker still to talk to you on the phone, but email is so impersonal and to be quite honest, I don't want to get into an argument with you on the phone when we are on opposite sides of the world.
I just want you to read what I have to say and think about it for a few days, and then meet me at the beach house when you get home so we can talk properly.
The second thing I need to say (which should really have been the first) is that I miss you. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. I miss you in my bed, I miss the feel of your arms around me, I miss your kiss, I miss your face, I miss your voice, I miss you Jacob. I don't think I've ever been so miserable in my entire life.
He shook his head, 'Oh Rachel…'
The third thing I need to say is how very, very, very sorry I am about the corvette and the fight and about leaving you at the beach house and about not calling you. I'm sorry. I wish I could rewind the whole event, I wish it had just never happened. But it did and there's nothing I can do about it now. But I am so very, very sorry Jake.
He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.
And now I need to tell you some things which will probably not please you Jacob, but I feel it's important for us to be honest with each other right now. You know I've spent the last week attending the Advanced Weapons Training Course with Felix, and I've had chance in the evenings to talk to a few different people and to think about things.
It's probably easiest if I go through the people I've talked to and what we discussed. Firstly, I spoke with Felix. He has no problem with our relationship and has promised to keep our confidence. He seemed quite chuffed in fact. It was all good until he told me I should leave the FBI and have your babies. I threatened to shoot him.
He smiled; he could quite imagine that conversation. Felix was just an old romantic. He'd be waiting for his hearty slap on the back next time he saw him.
Then I spent an evening with Jess at Alerore's. We had too many pitchers of margaritas and she ended up also telling me that I should leave the FBI and have your babies. She also asked me if you had an enormous cock…
He laughed,
…so I've decided not to take any part of the conversation I had with her seriously. Next time I need advice, please remind me that Jess is a shameless hussy who drinks too much. And if she ever offers to send Rob round to fillet a salmon for us while you go to her place, please don't go. I know what she has planned for you.
He raised his eyebrows, 'interesting……….'
Unfortunately, the next two conversations I had were not quite so amusing. Firstly, I went to talk to Director Fuller.
He shook his head.
Now before you fly off the handle at me Jake, can I please remind you that I asked you on at least two occasions what you and he discussed that night when you went to the Cosmos Club, but you wouldn't tell me. So I went to see him to sound him out on what you two had talked about. I guess I had suspected it all along, but I was still taken aback when I found out that he'd known about our relationship for all this time. Why would you have told him, of all people Jake?
He frowned.
Once I found out what he knew, I wanted to remind him of our fantastic clean-up record and maybe suggest that we could just keep our relationship quiet as we have done for the past 3 months. I didn't end up suggesting this however, as he was quite adamant that we needed to go away and consider our future and come back to him with a proposal.
He also said that he couldn't assign us to any more cases together so I guess we're finished working as a team. I'm sorry, because it does really seem as though I've put my foot in it with him, but honestly Jake, if you'd just told me in the first place what you two had talked about, then I wouldn't have gone to see him.
He has reassigned me to work with the Deputy Director's staff for the next week. We flew to Chicago today (Saturday), but all indications are that we will be back by next Friday. I'll be interested to find out why you felt the need to hide the truth from me about Frank, Jacob.
He sighed and took a drink. He hadn't hid the truth; he'd just told her that he wouldn't discuss it.
And speaking of hiding the truth, the final conversation I had was the most difficult of all. I met with Anna Yang.
'Holy, shit,' he dropped the letter in his lap and rubbed his face with his hands. 'What had Anna said? Why the fuck would Anna go and talk to Rachel? Surely she didn't tell her…' He picked up the letter and started reading again.
She was apparently in town for a conference and asked to meet me, and I have to tell you that I was completely blown away with the things she told me. Now please don't be angry with her, because I feel she did the right thing by trying to fill me in on all the things you obviously didn't feel the need to mention to me.
He shook his head, 'crap…'
Like the corvette. Why on earth wouldn't you tell me that it was your wedding present to Maggie from the very start Jake? I don't understand it. It's not like I don't know about Maggie!!! I knew you were married, why would I not cope with being told about your gift to her. If you had told me properly, in the first place, I would have told you that it was a wonderfully romantic, loving gesture. Instead of that though, I'm thinking you're a prick for not telling me. For letting me drive around in that car, letting me have an accident in that car, completely unaware of the significance it held for you. I felt bad enough when I crashed the car, and now I know what it meant to you, I feel like complete shit.
He sighed, and kept reading.
But that's just the beginning of the things you've kept from me isn't it Jacob? I've also found out that, quite the opposite of what you've led me to believe, that you're still suffering emotionally from the death of Maggie. Now, maybe I'm just a thickhead for not realising it, but how do you think I felt finding out about your emotional state from your ex-girlfriend (and yes, I'll get to that later!). If I'm going to share your bed, share your life, then you have to let me share your heart Jacob. Even when you're heart is hurting. How am I to understand your reactions to situations and events when you hide personal stuff like that away from me?
He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. 'Jesus Rachel, why would you want me to offload all my problems on you? It would only have upset you.'
I have to say that I'm struggling to understand you in all sorts of ways right now, Jacob.
I'm struggling to understand your overreaction to the fact that I will need to be assigned to either another protection detail or another job within the FBI. Plenty of people in the Bureau have relationships and their partners do not lose all grip on reality just because they get assigned to a position that carries an element of risk. That is what we do Jacob. We work for the FBI, not a sock factory. You knew that when you met me, and as much as I now partially understand your motivations (because your ex girlfriend – not you - filled me in), I am still not prepared to give up the fantastic and interesting work that I do out in the field, just so that you can feel in control of the situation. And quite frankly, I think it's very unfair of you to ask me to do that.
And so we come to the relationship between you and Professor Yang. Now, up until Friday at around 6.30pm, I believed that she was a friend of your wife's who had adopted Tanner for you after you got the job with the FBI. I understood that you and she had slept together on one occasion a few months ago after having a few too many drinks and falling into bed together, but you both agreed it had been a bad idea. That was what you actually told me Jacob.
But no, thanks to Anna herself (NOT YOU!), I now know that you've known her for at least, what, 26 or 27 years, that you started sleeping together in high school, that you deflowered her (and she you for all I know) on a beach…
He frowned, 'Oh fuuuuuuuuck, why would you tell her that Anna?'
… and that you've restarted your relationship at least twice over the ensuing years, AND this supposed one night thing that you had with her, in fact continued for some length of time. And to top all that off, I find that at the first sign of trouble between us, you go running back to her for love and comfort and probably sex, although she denied that you two actually slept together – this time.
To say that I'm astounded is really an understatement.
Which now leaves me wondering, where to from here Jacob?
He drew breath, surely she wasn't going to…
As I said at the start of this letter, I miss you. But I wonder if I miss the you that I now know about, or do I miss the you that I thought I knew?
To be honest with you, I'm going to have to think about that one for a while.
So please Jacob, spend the next week thinking about these issues, as I will certainly be. I'm going to spend next weekend at the beach house so I can be alone. Meet me there on Sunday as soon as you arrive home from Geneva. Please understand though, that just because I want to meet you at the beach house, does not mean that everything is OK again. I know it's the place we go to escape and be together, to relax and make love, but it's also the place that the fight started and I think we should finish it there, whatever the outcome ultimately is.
I miss you desperately. I want to hold you, I want to kiss you, but I'm completely floored. I feel lost and alone & directionless.
I thought I knew what our future held Jacob, but now I honestly have no idea.
Rachel
He let the letter drop to the floor and lay back on the bed. After a few minutes he got up and turned on the shower. He stripped and stood under the steaming water for a good 15 minutes. He tried to think but his mind was numb.
Finally he turned off the water, roughly dried his hair and wrapped a towel around his waist. He opened the mini bar, and snapped the caps off a couple of mini bottles of whiskey and drank them straight out of the bottle. He sat wearily on the bed, leaning against the headboard and read the letter again. He sat for a while, breathing, staring, still, until he rolled on to his stomach and lay, his face on the pillow.
Eventually, he fell into a fitful sleep.
His dreams were dark and desperate and erotic and unsettling. He tossed and turned and barely slept. He dreamt of Rachel and of Anna and of Maggie, of love and death and sex and desire.
But the only thing he could remember of his dreams, was the song that haunted them:
"I will come for you at night time
I will raise you from your sleep
I will kiss you in four places
As I go running along your street
I will squeeze the life out of you
You will make me laugh and make me cry
And we will never forget it
You will make me call your name
And I'll shout it to the blue summer sky
......
And we may never meet again
So shed your skin and lets get started
And you will throw your arms around me
Yeah, you will throw your arms around me
......
I dreamed of you at night time
And I watched you in your sleep
I met you in high places
I touched your head and touched your feet
So if you disappear out of view
You know I will never say goodbye
And though I'll try to forget it
You will make me call your name
And I'll shout it to the blue summer sky
......
And we may never meet again
So shed your skin and lets get started
And you will throw your arms around me
Yeah, you will throw your arms around me"
.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Soundtrack: Throw Your Arms Around Me – Hunters & Collectors (Mark Seymour)
I usually put the soundtrack at the beginning of the chapter, but I very much wanted this piece of music to haunt Jacob's dreams.
This is an absolute Australian classic, and is the song that many Aussie girls lost their virginity to in the 1980's (yes, quite often on the beach on a hot summers night!!!) and probably still do. There is just something deeply moving & erotic about it.
It's been covered by Pearl Jam and Eddie Vedder, but please, please, please look up the slow acoustic version by Mark Seymour (lead singer of Hunters and Collectors) posted by Lauder86 on youtube (sorry - i can't post in the link here).
I think the Springsteen fans will like this version..........