Chapter 3: James: He Has No Shame
Teddy Lupin is getting married.
And I have not yet been able to think of a prank spectacular enough to pull during the ceremony.
I mean, this is a special occasion. I can't play just any ordinary prank. It has to be spectacular. Fantastical. Legendary. It's not every day my Teddy gets married.
I know I'm kind of a goof off most of the time, but I really mean it when I say Teddy has been my inspiration. When we were little, I was always following Teddy around. I wanted to do everything he did. If he wanted to play Beater in our family Quidditch matches, so did I. If he grew his hair out a little, I wanted to as well. So, when Teddy was 15 and decided he wanted to be an Auror, nine-year-old me naturally thought that was the absolute best idea I had ever heard. We would be Aurors together. And we would own it. I was so excited about it that I even did research on legal protocol and important cases. I spent a lot of time in the library that year. It was weird, but I was hooked.
By the time he was starting his Seventh Year, Teddy had moved on from his brief affair with law enforcement and moved on to a more long-term dalliance with reporting.
Unfortunately for me – or actually, quite fortunately, depending on how you look at it – I have absolutely no skill for the written word. I just get too bored with it. If I can express myself vocally, what's the point of writing it down? Teddy had chosen a profession in which I knew, even at the young age of eleven, I could never follow him.
When I expressed my regret to Teddy, however, he just laughed at me. He told me, "JSP, you don't want to be like me. I'll have to sit around in a little cubicle for the rest of my life and write down what other people have done with their lives instead of living mine. You don't want that, do you? No. You want to be the one I'm writing about."
He was right. I wanted to be an Auror, not a reporter.
He helped me realize I could be my own person. I didn't have to be just like him to be cool (Of course, I still wanted to be just like him in every other way, I just didn't want to do his boring job. Luckily, I'm not quite as much of a fanboy anymore.).
To be fair, Teddy's job is not quite as dull as he told me all those years ago, and I probably would have eventually decided to become an Auror on my own, but he took the sting off a childhood disappointment and only rarely made fun of me for it nowadays.
So planning a gigantic prank is my way of thanking him for being so awesome.
The only trouble is I have no ideas.
This is so embarrassing. This never happens to me. The one time I really want to perform, and I can't!
… That came out wrong.
As I sat there, running through a few scenarios in my mind and absently doodling on the corner of my desk, I heard the approach of familiar steps behind me. Smiling as I recognized the tread and heard it come to a halt, I braced myself for the expected blow to the back of my head… but it never came.
I held still for a moment longer, confused that I had not been assaulted in greeting. I turned around to inquire about the change in routine, and was met with a wad of paper right in to the face.
Opening the eyes I had shut in reflex when I found an object flying at my face, I came face-to-face with my long time friend and work partner, Miss Caroline Stewart. Grinning at the annoyed expression on my face, Caroline sat on the edge of my desk and ruffled my hair too happily for my liking. She should not get so much enjoyment out of messing with me. Though I guess it's only fair since I get a kick out of messing with her too.
Rubbing my own hand through my hair to fix the style she ruined, I politely (actually, not very politely) inquired, "What? No slapping the back of my head or banging my forehead onto my desk."
Shrugging, "I was getting too predictable," she said as way of explanation. She frowns at the blank piece of parchment on the desk in front of me and continues in a more serious tone, "What are you doing, Potter? You're supposed to be writing your report for the Jenkins Case. But unless you've been writing in invisible ink, that is clearly not what you are doing. C'mon, James. Captain Thomas told us he needed our reports before we can go home. I, for one, have already turned in my report, but the Captain said I had to wait until yours is finished. Is there any chance it will be done before I die of old age?"
Rolling my eyes at her dramatics, I did what I could to reassure her: "I'm sorry, Car, but I have much more important things on my mind than something as trivial as report writing."
Far from reassured, Caroline scoffs at me, and tosses her long, brownish braid over her shoulder in derision, "Like what? How much time you spend making paper airplanes every day?" She gestures pointedly at a pile of crumpled airplanes by my waste bin.
"No," is my dignified reply, "I'm concocting a perfectly flawless send off to commemorate the fond memories of my pseudo-brother's almost departed bachelor days."
She translates: "You're wasting your time and mine by planning a prank for your god brother and cousin's wedding."
"Yes."
I was saved from what was sure to be a loud and colorful expletive from my irritated partner by the excellently timed arrival of my best mate.
"Malfoy!" I practically yell in an attempt to distract Caroline from scolding me, "What brings you here mate?"
Scorpius takes in the scene in a glance; the crumpled parchment on the floor, the girl on my desk turning steadily redder with each moment, the non-existent report in front of me, and my overenthusiastic greeting; and seems to immediately know what's going on. That being said, the smirk that is fixed on his stupid face a millisecond later tells me he's not going to be any help.
"Oh, nothing, really," he told me casually, "I just thought I'd check in with you and see how the Jenkins Case is progressing. I've got a buddy down in the Crime Department of the Prophet who was wondering if he could read your reports for the article he has to write."
Damn his stupid face.
I glared at him.
He smirked right back at me. He has no shame.
Interrupting our stare down, Caroline addressed my traitor of a best mate, "I appreciate the support, Malfoy, but we both know he tells you everything. You know for a fact that we closed this case last night, and now you're just trying to wind him up. I strongly suggest you quickly get to the real reason you're here so my moronic partner can get back to what he's actually supposed to be doing before I lose patience with both of you and try out my new Muggle dueling skills."
I grimaced. I knew from previous experience that Car liked to supplement her Auror training with unorthodox Muggle methods. She claims it lets her get the jump on wizard criminals who aren't expecting her to bust out physical fighting. I think she's just learning new techniques to bully me into doing my job right. Luckily, I have quite a bit of height and weight on her. She couldn't beat me up if she tried.
I hope.
Scorpius, who has never seen her take down three perps at once, didn't seem to take Caroline's threat seriously. Fool. Instead, he flashed her a grin and said, "I actually came down here to see if Potter wanted to grab dinner when he gets off, but since he's clearly not going to be done with his work anytime soon, like a responsible adult, maybe you would like to accompany me," he gave he a cheeky look I didn't appreciate, "The view, for one, would be much improved."
Surprisingly, she didn't take her wand, shove it down his throat, then rip him a new one. I guess she reserved that kind of behavior for me. I'm so lucky. No, Caroline actually smiled at what I considered a rather poor attempt at flattery.
"I'd love to, Scorpius, but I can't leave until the useless lump beside me has finished his work," she paused long enough to shoot me a death glare, then turned a dazzling smile back at Malfoy, "I would much rather spend the time with you though."
I nearly gagged. I don't really want to sit here and listen to my best mate hit on my partner. I want to listen to my partner hit right back even less.
"Sure, I'll come," I interjected before they could continue their little flirt session that irritated me for reasons I could not identify, "Is it just going to be the three of us, or are Aldorkus, Rose, and Lupin coming as well?"
Scorp's teasing manner dropped like a bird knocked out of the air by the Whomping Willow. If you haven't witnessed that, just know that it's pretty quick.
A scowl replaced his grin, and his eyes narrowed angrily as he looked off to the corner of my cubicle like it had deeply insulted him. The last time I saw him looking that murderous was back when we were at Hogwarts. Al and I had lured him our onto the grounds for a friendly game of Ultimate Fanged-Frisbee, only to ditch him when the Frisbee Al chucked in his direction smashed through one of the castle windows. Unfortunately for Scorpius, he was closest to the window at the time and couldn't escape to Hagrid's before Professor McGonagall spotted him running away. His blond head is rather distinct. Not only did he have to help Filch repair the window, but he also had to attend a six hour seminar put on by the caretaker about the dangers and penalties for using banned merchandise on the Hogwarts grounds.
Seeing as there were no Fanged-Frisbees or broken windows involved in the current scenario, I deduced (using my amazing Auror observational skills) that his frustration had something to do with one of the three people I had just mentioned: Al, Rose, or Teddy.
My suspicions were confirmed when he muttered, "Al and Ted said they could meet us there. I did not ask your cousin." Why is it that Scorpius mutters when he's angry? Most people profess their resentment loudly. I have to strain to hear Scorp.
"Why didn't you ask Rose?" Caroline asks for me, looking just as curious as I feel.
Still mumbling, Malfoy says something along the lines of, "She's probably off doing something cute and couple-y with Finnigan."
Ah. Finnigan. Scorp has always had a weird and inexplicable hatred of Finnigan. I, personally, don't get it. Besides his unfortunate affection for the Tutshill Tornadoes, who are really a rubbish team, Finnigan seems like an alright bloke. I mean, I wouldn't want to be his roommate or anything, but he doesn't make me want to gouge out my eyes, or his for that matter, with my wand. That's always a good thing, right?
Caroline, momentarily distracted from her obsession with the state of my report writing, asked, "Finnigan Who?"
Shaking my head, I corrected her: "No, no. It's Who Finnigan, not Finnigan Who."
"Liam Finnigan: big shot from the Prophet's Business Section; stuck-up, useless ponce; and general all around annoying prat," Scorpius ranted before anyone else had a chance to say anything.
A silence followed his pronouncement in which Caroline glanced at me slyly, communicating her intent to tease Scorp a little about his obvious and undeserved hatred of Mr. Finnigan. I can't believe she's going to make fun of my best mate right in front of me!
This is why she's such a great partner.
"You know, Scorpius," she began in a sweet voice, "if you hadn't so obviously stated your affections for me a minute ago, I would suspect you have feelings for Miss Rose Weasley. Why else would you sound so jealous of the charming Mr. Finnigan?" She gave him a look that conveyed both the suspicious gaze of a viciously possessive girlfriend and the penetrating stare of an interrogation expert. Needless to say, Scorpius looked nervous. His eyes widened as he realized the girl in front of him could easily get him to spill his darkest secrets. Only the slight twitch of her lip indicated to me that she was just messing with him.
Malfoy, not having the pleasure of spending hours upon hours a day with the delightful Miss Stewart, was not quite as sure as I was that Caroline wasn't serious. I think he had an inkling, seeing as they only ever really fake flirted, but her stare was so convincing that he paused to think carefully before he answered.
"Jealous?" he scoffed, trying (and doing very well if I do say so) to act nonchalant, "I'm not jealous, I simply think she could do better."
"Really? Why is that?" I asked him.
He had no response. I could tell immediately. His air of fake dispassion was crumbling before my eyes. The nervous and panicked blush gave it away. So did the way his eyes darted around, looking everywhere but at Caroline and me, as if he could find an answer on the floor.
"He's a Gryffindor," is what Scorpius finally came up with.
Lame.
Trying to distract me with a House insult. Sorry, buddy, not going to work this time.
Spinning around in my chair, I shot back at him, "Yeah, well, so is Rose. Does that mean she's not good enough for Finnigan?"
I know that doesn't make much sense, but sometimes twisted logic is the best way to go. I mean, worst case scenario, people think I'm stupid. I have no problem with that because that means they underestimate me. The more someone miscalculates my intelligence, the more I can pull over on them.
Get it?
Scorp, however, has seen me use this tactic many times. He knows exactly what I'm doing. Fortunately, he hasn't been able to concoct a counter method to my madness.
I watched smugly as he floundered for an appropriate answer to my stupidity.
"Uh… er… what?"
Ha. Success.
I ignored Scorpius and addressed Caroline instead, "You know, Car, I'm surprised Malfoy here, Mr. King of Gossip, hasn't heard the news."
Playing up her shock, Caroline gasped, "What new would that be, Potter?"
"Well…" I cleared my throat dramatically, causing both Scorp and Car to roll their eyes at me, "A little Wolf Cub told me the other day that he overheard Miss Weasley and Mr. Finnigan having a very serious conversation in the office."
"About what, J?" Caroline wondered.
"I'm not entirely sure, love. Mr. Lupin only heard snippets, like 'we need to talk,' and 'see other people,' and 'take a break.' Does that mean anything to you?" I said, enjoying my story telling immensely. Maybe I should switch to journalism. I'm sure I could be an awesome reporter.
"What?" Scorpius interjected before Caroline could reply, "She's not dating him?"
"Didn't she tell you?" I asked, in feigned confused, "They ended it."
"Why?" his question came out rather desperately.
Pretending not to notice his overreaction, "I don't know. Lily just told me they wanted different thing. That probably just means he wouldn't pick his socks up off the floor or something and she spent too much time at work. Who knows?"
Scorpius' face took on a look of intense concentration. I could almost see the thoughts racing through his head. Caroline gave me a look that told me she could see it too and it amused her to no end. Smirking, she picked up the conversation as if Scorpus had never made himself a part of it: "Well, you'd never know she just got out of a relationship by the way she's been acting. I saw her at the Leaky Cauldron last night, and she looked far happier than I've seen her in a while. In fact, she bought everyone a round for no apparent reason."
Caroline paused for a moment, giving Scorpius time to look hopeful at the implication of Rose's good mood, before she continued with maximum dramatic effect: "Now that I know she just went through a break up, her cheerfulness almost makes me think she's already found someone new…"
Hahaha. Good one, Car! I would have high-fived her for her brilliance if I didn't think it would give our whole play away.
By the way Scorpius' eyes widened as Caroline's words sunk in, I could tell that the possibility that Rose had already found a new lover had not occurred to him. I assume he had taken her happiness as relief that she had broken ties with a guy Scorpius considered a loser. Though I personally agreed with Scorp's initial diagnosis, it was comical to watch him struggle to conceal the emotions that were playing out so clearly on his face.
Unexpected hope gave way to confusion, confusion was replaced by realization, realization was succeeded by mingled horror and more confusion (though this time I was pretty sure it was more because he couldn't figure out why he was so horrified at the notion of Rose moving on so quickly).
You'd really think a Slytherin would be better a keeping a poker face. But then, Scorpius had never been very good at poker.
He had been silent for so long that I had almost forgotten what we were talking about when he finally came back to life, "Someone new?"
His voice came out slightly choked, but Caroline answered like she hadn't noticed, "Well, it's just one theory really," she examined her fingernails like they were more interesting than this conversation, "but that would be the only reason a girl would move on so quickly from a relationship with such a great guy. I would know, I'm a girl."
Duh. It's fairly obvious she is a girl, but the part of her statement before that threw me a little. I remembered back to all Caroline's previous relationships, something I had never done before, and realized they all had something in common: Caroline had never been upset about their end. In fact, she had always seemed a little more cheerful once each had been put to rest. She said, "I would know." Does that mean she always had someone new after each break up?
I put my detecting skills to use. The frequency of her break ups and new relationships told me that Caroline's trysts were never very serious. Also, she was never very upset when things ended, which, by her own admission, meant she quickly found someone else to transfer her emotions to. The fact that she never, and I mean never, cried about a falling out with her boyfriend lead me to believe she actually used the same guy to get over her heartache each time. Conclusion: Caroline has been in love with the same guy since forever, and it had been none of her prior flings.
Hmmm. How have I not noticed it before?
Scorpius' voice broke me out of my reverie about my partner's love life, "Well, uh, if that is, in fact, the case, then it's still likely she has plans with said 'new flame.' So it still doesn't matter that I didn't ask Weasley to join us, which brings us back to where we were in the first place. Dinner. Godric, the two of you really can talk circles around people, can't you?" He paused and studied us, "That's how you get criminals to confess, isn't it? You confuse them by going off on tangents, and they're eventually tricked into spilling their guts because they've forgotten they're being interrogated. Crafty."
He's right. That actually does work quite well.
Choosing not to address his correct assumption about the way Caroline and I questions suspects, I returned to the topic of dinner, "That's a fairly large logical leap, mate, so I'm going to invite her myself when I get off of work – "
Scorpius cut me off, "Do what you want, man, but that's more of an 'if' you get off work than a 'when.'"
With that, he smirked at me and disappeared. Great. Now he's left me alone with my partner right after he's reminded her she's mad at me for procrastinating on my paperwork. Jerk.
Instead of glaring at me like I expected, Caroline sat there in silence for a few minutes. Not wanting to bring her wrath down on me unnecessarily, I did not interrupt. When she spoke, it was not in anger, but in thoughtfulness, "You know, I think I have a solution to your problem."
Unable to contain myself, I guessed, "What? You'll do my paperwork for me?"
The glare she shot me put that hope to rest immediately, "No. But I am going to sit here and watch you as you fill out your report to make sure you're actually working on it and not trying to perfect your airplane construction. What I meant was that I know what kind of prank you should play at Teddy's wedding."
Though I had been pouting since she refused to do my job for me, her words caught my attention. Continuing to sulk, I pretended not to be too interested by inserting as much sarcasm as I could, "And what is your brilliant idea?"
Grinning like a maniac, she said, "The perfect prank would be… wait for it… not pulling one."
What? What kind of prank is that? That's like giving up! How could she think that's a good idea? Everyone is expecting me to pull of the prank of the century! If I did what the deluded Miss Stewart suggests, they would think I've lost my touch! My reputation is at stake!
I can just see it now. Everyone standing around the reception hall, anxiously awaiting an epic explosion or something equally as awesome, glancing nervously at me as I go about my own thing… minding my own business… enjoying myself… while everyone else is on tenterhooks… waiting for something that will never happen… Oh my giddy Aunt Fleur, it actually is brilliant!
I'm sure the expression I gave Caroline was slightly frightening: a blend of awe, reverence, and maniacal pleasure. "You are absolutely right," I told her, "Everyone will be expecting me to do something. They'll be waiting for an explosion, or some ridiculous and inappropriate joke, or a brilliant but crudely worded song. But it won't come, and they'll be waiting with bated breath the whole night. Paranoia will run rampant. They'll hope to contain the destruction by suspiciously following me around all night waiting for the pointed hat to drop; but the joke is, it never will! You're amazing!"
Caroline shrugged modestly, but her smug look said it all, "I know."
"There's only one problem," I said, expressing my only worry about this otherwise flawless plan, "I don't know if I can handle the pressure of not playing a prank. I'm sure to break sometime during the reception and slip a Hair Loss Potion into the punch. Doing that would ruin the effects of my elaborate No Prank Plan."
Crossing her arms in what looked like an attempt to remain calm, despite the fact that she was clearly panicking on the inside about something that I couldn't identify, she swallowed nervously and replied, "Don't worry," – (the fact that she was clearly worried about something was not exactly reassuring) – " We'll just spend the whole night together. If you look like you're going to pull a prank, I'll stop you by dragging you off to the dance floor or something. If you feel the need to charm Scorpius' tie pink, tell me, and I'll distract you with cake. It will be a team effort."
Oh, good. That's a fantastic idea. Caroline is one of the only people that actually can keep me in line. The only other one is Captain Thomas, which is probably why Dad assigned me to his team; well, that, and none of the other captains wanted to deal with the pressure of having Harry Potter's son on their team. I guess they thought I was going to be some sort of snitch, always ready to inform the Boss on them if they treated me like everybody else.
Psh. I'm no nark.
Luckily, Captain Thomas is not so easily cowed. If I ever do anything stupid, he just get's all up in my face and draws a very detailed diagram explaining what he'll do to me if I ever do it again. The fact that he's an extremely talented artist just makes it all the more terrifying.
Anyway, I was feeling better about the whole Wedding Prank thing, and I told Caroline so, "You'd do that for me? You're such a good friend."
I don't know what I said wrong, but she immediately scowled at me. Pushing herself off the edge of my desk, she forcibly shoved my chair under my desk, trapping me between her and the desk. "Well, if I'm such a good friend," she hissed angrily into my ear, "maybe you should try to be a better one! Now, do your paper work so we can get out of here, and I don't have to spend the rest of the night forcing you to do your job!"
Geez, what's wrong with her?
A/N: Let me know what you think, 'cause I can't decide myself.