The Five Stages of Grief Reversed by Leah C

by Karisan-karisan

After accepting she's in love with her Alpha, Leah has now to face the Council and the whole Reservation while going through the five stages of grief, all because of Jacob. But is it worth it when Jacob already has his imprint?

3. Depression

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Unfortunately she gave Leah and Jake the worst ending ever.

Author/Note 1: This story is rated T but some chapters can be rated M for inappropriate language and sexual content (but not too explicit).

A/Note 2: I'm not a native English speaker so I'm sorry for my grammar and spelling.

A/Note 3: I'm really sorry about neglecting this story for so long. It won't happen again.

Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed so far and I hope you like the rest of the story.

The five stages of Grief [Reversed] by Leah Clearwater

2. Depression

Time heals everything. That's the saying. But it's wrong. It's not time that heals it's your own strength that allows you to do it. When Sam left me I thought my life was over. It was hard to forget and to let it go but my family helped me and I realised that I had to protect my people. I could've left La Push a long time ago. I could've left when my father died and I started morphing into a giant wolf, but I did no such thing. I was stronger than that and I had to keep an eye on my mother and my little brother. I made the right decision back then. Besides I didn't want to give Sam and Emily the satisfaction of seeing me backing down.

I was on my own because I kept everyone away from me, but that was actually the only way to survive, to handle the pain. I knew I wasn't wanted but I was a protector so I stayed. I had lost all my will power by becoming a wolf. I'd lost my boyfriend, I'd lost my ability to have children, I wasn't going to age, I would never have a normal life and I would never love again. At least that was what I thought at the time. Until Jacob gave me an option and I took it. I would rather follow his orders than Sam's. Okay, so my new alpha was a leech lover who was still moping around about losing the love of his life but still he accepted me in his pack and I felt free after a long time.

Love was a complicated thing. I loved Sam once. I loved his ability to make me laugh, he was reliable and sincere about his feelings and he always made me feel like I was special. But in the end it was Emily who was special, not me. When I met Aaron I liked the way he could talk to me without making me feel uncomfortable. I realise now that I probably never loved him. I guess I saw a little bit of the old Sam in him.

But Jacob…it was totally different. I didn't know why or how I had fallen in love with him. I just knew that I did. He made me feel different, lighter, stronger and happier. By his side I felt that my life had a meaning and that I would be able to actually be happy after all I've been through. We were both happy and that was the reason why I couldn't understand why there were some people who weren't able to accept us.

After two months there were still rumours going on about Jacob and I and the Council was still mad at us. But since our pack was on our side we decided to take things lightly and give them time to accept it. That didn't mean everything was easy.

Every time Quil or Embry made a joke about my relationship with Jake, Seth turned into a killing machine and it was hard to calm him down. My mother was also having cold feet. At first she invited Jacob for a couple of dinners and lunches because she did love him like a son, but I realised she was only trying to make me see he was not the right guy for me. Billy was also trying to convince Jake that our relationship was a mistake.

As for Sam's pack, they were all trying to ignore us. Rachel thought I was playing with fire because she believed that Jacob would eventually leave me.

I was used to be ignored and to hear people saying bad things about me. Let's be honest I had been a true harpy in the past: bitter, mean and selfish and old habits die hard, right? Having super hearing didn't help much. Since I started working at the La Push Community Centre I had been hearing a lot of unfair things about me and Jacob.

I tried to ignore it at first. People didn't know what had happened and they were just plain stupid if they thought that I was dating Jacob to annoy Sam Uley. Apparently everyone thought I wasn't over him yet. But after a few weeks it was becoming very uncomfortable to hear everyone calling me a whore. In everyone's opinion I was with Jake because I was a bitch who would sleep with all the boys in the Reservation just for fun. There were even bets about who I was going to bang next. Embry was the most voted so far. Little did they know that my extra-activities with Jacob Black were on hold.

There were no regrets about what had happened between us. I still loved him and I wanted to be with him and prove everyone that we could actually be happy together but Jacob was still seventeen years old and by waiting a little longer I was hoping to understand better my sudden need to be with him, to quit everything and just stay by his side. After our first time I had realised that it was more than a physical attraction to me but I wanted to know if he felt the same because to pursue a relationship based on sex was something that had never crossed my mind.

He agreed because he also wanted to prove me that this wasn't just a teenager's crush or lust. When we were alone it felt like pure torture. But our self control was being tested and neither of us wanted to back down. We were going to prove Billy and the rest of the Council that this wasn't just our hormones going haywire; it was much more than that.

When I finally left the Community Centre was already dark and I walked quickly to the car because I wanted to go home, have dinner and sleep. I was damn tired from watching files and writing reports all day.

"Hi…Can I have a word?" A familiar voice asked behind me.

I turned to face Sam and I immediately regretted it. I knew what he was going to tell me and yet I allowed him to talk.

"You're not serious about this, are you? I mean…Jacob imprinted on Renesmee…he'll hurt you even more than I did."

"Cut the crap Sam…Jacob fought against his imprint which was more than you ever did for me."

"He's just a kid Leah and you're blind. I don't know what he told you but he'll always have a bond with Bella's daughter. It would've been better if you just stayed with Aaron."

"So you think I don't love Jacob."

"You can't love him."

"You're wrong."

"I'm not, Leah. And I'm going to prove it to you."

"How?"

Sam took a step closer to me and hugged me tightly. I immediately pushed him away.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" I demanded.

"I can give you the same that Jacob gives you."

"What?"

"Wolves have their senses enhanced. Our hormones are also affected. I know that after I left you, you didn't have sex with anyone until Aaron managed to make you believe in love again."

"What the fuck has that to do with this?"

"The thing is…you're a wolf Leah and it's only natural that Aaron couldn't satisfy you completely. So…when you, stupidly, let Jacob have his way with you, you felt…"

"Stop." I ordered. "You're actually telling me that I'm with Jacob because he's better in bed than Aaron?" I asked shocked.

"Yes. It's not just Jacob. Any other wolf would probably be better than a human."

"And you want to be the one giving me what I need, right?"

"Yes…I mean no…I just want you to see that you need to stay away from him. What you're feeling for him it's just lust."

"Why? Why are you so worried about me and Jacob? Would you be doing the same if I was dating Embry or Brady or any of the others?"

Sam didn't answer.

"He's not good enough for you, Lee-Lee."

"That's my call, not yours."

I couldn't believe this guy. I was finally accepting that I could be happy again and here he was ruining everything again.

"Can't you see this is wrong?" He asked.

"What's wrong?"

"You and Jake. You were away for a year and Jacob never thought about you. You weren't here and he never missed you or spoke about you. He was happy watching Nessie growing up and then suddenly you came back and he saw a good competition. He felt protective because Aaron was an outsider and you let him cross the line. Jacob doesn't love you Leah. You gave him what he needed and as soon as she returns, because she will come back, he's going to leave you."

"He's not you. You're just jealous because you think you still own me."

"I wish it was that simple." He whispered. "I'm begging you Leah. Stop this while you still can…I don't want to see you hurt again."

I turned my back on him and got inside the car. He was a jerk but his words brought doubts into my mind. I hated to admit but Sam was right about one thing. Things between Jacob and I had happened too fast besides we had never showed any romantic interest in each other before.

What if this thing between us was just temporary? Maybe he was just waiting for Nessie to grow up? Maybe I was fed up with Aaron? Maybe we were being controlled by our wolves' instincts? I didn't know for sure and that troubled me because I didn't want to hurt him and I didn't want to suffer either.

Feeling depressive by the second I drove home and after a long shower I decided to go for a run. I thought about everything that I had gone through. I didn't know what to think anymore, I was confused. Jacob's birthday was the next day and I knew the pack was planning a party for him. Maybe I should just forget about Sam and think about having some fun at Jake's party.

Without noticing it I ended up near his house. I waited to check who was home and fortunately Jacob was the only one there at the moment. Feeling insecure about my own feelings and Sam's words I decided to talk to Jacob. To be sure about what was happening between us.

I walked in through the window, since it had become a habit of ours not to use the front door.

"Leah…What's going on?" He asked with a surprised expression. We had agreed to meet only at his party the next day.

"I…was…near by." I lied.

"You don't look so good."

I was in silence for a while. I didn't know what to say to him. I was too confused. I was about to let him embrace me when his cell phone rang. We looked at the bedside table and I could see the name on the screen.

Nessie. And then everything became clear in my head. What were we doing? Did I actually think for one minute that Jacob would be able to live without Nessie? That he would actually choose me over his imprint? I was a complete fool. Everyone was right. My mother, Billy, Old Quil...even Sam. Nessie was his world. Even if she wasn't in Forks, it was impossible not to keep in touch with her and she was still only a child. Once she was older, Jacob would probably want to see her and they would fall madly in love. What I had with Jacob was based on a night of bliss and the fact that we had both been through the same hardships in life. We were close friends and we let ourselves be controlled by our damn emotions. How could I've been so stupid and think otherwise?

"You should answer the phone." I said. My voice sounded colder than I wanted and he noticed it.

"She can wait."

"She's your imprint."

"Leah…we've talked about this. You said you were alright with Nessie being away, we agreed we wanted this."

"Maybe we were wrong." I whispered.

"What? How can you say that?"

Sam's words kept playing in my head. Then there was also Billy's opinion about this relationship being a mistake. Even my mother was against it although she had tried to accept us.

"Answer the call, Jacob."

"No. I want to know what's going on. Why are you really here? Why are you acting like this?"

"Like what?" I asked aggressively.

"Are you jealous of Nessie? She's just a kid and you know I don't want her."

"Shut up. You're saying that because she's a child now. You're saying that because you think you can fight back the imprint."

"Of course I can! I'm doing it right now! For you!" He almost yelled.

"So what if you let her go with the leeches to the other side of the world? She's still here!" I pointed to the ringing phone and he frowned.

"It's my birthday tomorrow Leah. She's probably calling to wish me a happy birthday. Maybe it wasn't even her idea to call, it was probably Bella's."

The phone stopped ringing and I picked it up. I watched the screen and showed it to him.

"Tell me what you see Jacob." I demanded. My voice was now bitter.

He swallowed hard and took the phone away from me.

"So what?" He replied. "It's just a damn photo."

"Do you know what I see?"

He didn't answer.

"Your screen paper is a picture of you and her. Your room's walls don't have posters of hot girls like my brother's or Embry's or even Sam's when he was dating me. No Angelina Jolie in a bathing suit, no Megan Fox in a bikini…Do you know why? Because you're waiting for her. You don't want to betray her memory even if she's away. You don't love me Jake. You love her."

I never thought my words could hurt me so much. The words were supposed to hurt him, not me.

"I love you Leah. You know that. This picture doesn't have any meaning. I will change it for yours if you want me to."

"That's exactly my point Jake. It's not me who has to decide that sort of thing, it's you and you chose to keep her picture…in the end you'll always choose her over me."

"You're overreacting. You told me you wanted to be with me…this can't be just about my cell phone and Nessie's pictures."

"I was wrong and I'm sorry. We can't be together."

"No! You weren't wrong! We're in love…you're mine, you told me that when we…"

"It was a mistake." I cut him off. "I made myself believe I was in love with you because you kept insisting. I don't love you Jacob. I'm just attracted to you."

"Liar." He came closer and pinned me against his wardrobe.

"It's just lust Jake…You know that." I tried. "You feel lonely and felt sorry for me. I get it."

"You're lying to yourself. I know you want me. I know you love me too."

"Listen to me Jacob. We made a mistake that night. We weren't thinking straight and our emotions got the best of us. It can't happen again."

I should know by now that Jacob wouldn't give up easily. He was probably as stubborn as me the only difference was that I was trying to correct something wrong and he kept living a dream. I knew what I had to do. I had to tell him that it was over between us. I had to stop this nonsense even though I loved him.

"Don't do this Leah…Please."

"I have to. This is wrong. We'll hurt each other more."

"You can't hurt me more than this." His voice was a mixture of sadness and despair.

And then when I thought he was going to release me Jacob smashed his lips on mine and it took all I had not to submit to him once again. I managed to push him away for a few seconds.

"After tomorrow I'll be eighteen. We can go anywhere you want. We can leave La Push and even if the Cullens come back we won't be here. I'll never see Nessie again." He said while his hands went to my waist sending chills up and down my entire body.

"Jacob…It wouldn't work." My words sounded too much like a moan and he took that cue to kiss me again.

I wanted this as much as him but what about the consequences of our actions? I wasn't worried about getting pregnant because I was barren, everyone knew that, but I wouldn't be able to take another rejection.

Jacob wasn't Sam and I knew that. He was trying to fight his imprint for me but I knew this was a lost war. Nessie was always on his mind. Maybe she wasn't while we were kissing and maybe he had been able to forget about her and Bella when we made love but that wouldn't last forever and I had never been one to share. Jacob wasn't mine to begin with. He had always been Bella's or Nessie's. I had to let him go but most important, I had to forget about him.

"Jacob, stop." I begged but his lips didn't move away from my neck. I opened my eyes and I finally realised what was about to happen.

I was in his bed, trapped beneath him, caged like a bird. My top had disappeared and my jeans were unbuttoned. I could feel the heat of Jacob's body irradiating and for a split second my will faltered especially when I noticed I could touch and kiss his beautiful chest. Maybe I should let him have me one last time.

When he was about to remove my bra my thoughts got clearer and I pushed him away from me as hard as I could. I saw anger in his eyes and in less than a second he forced me on the bed again, holding my wrists with an iron grip.

"Let me go." I asked.

"No. I need you too much." He whispered in my ear. He kept playing with my bra until he removed it completely. "I need you to want me the same way I want you…"

"That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard."

My words caught him off guard and he lifted his face to watch me.

"What are you talking about?"

"If you need to fuck me, just do it…Actually maybe we should just become fuck buddies. I mean that's why you need me, right?"

Again those words hit me as hard as they hit him. He released my wrists and met my eyes. That was my chance to convince him this was wrong.

"I don't blame you Jake. This is not your fault. You just didn't want to wait anymore. I find it sweet that you had your first time with me. I find it brave that you don't want to be tied to a half-vampire child and I definitely think you're a great kid but…"

"I'm not a kid." He complained.

"You have to be a kid for a few more years Jacob. Until she's ready."

"So what happened between us Leah? What about all those promises? You came back to me, you made me believe we had a future."

"And we have. Only our future will be just temporary. We'll play lovers for a while and then when Nessie returns you'll go back to her, because she's your soul mate, your world, the one for you. I'll be broken again but I'll let you go because I won't have any other choice. It will be like Sam all over again. Is that the future you want?"

"What if I can beat this? What if I don't go back to Nessie?"

"I really like the way you sound so confident. The way you try to fight against the imprint is probably the nicest thing anyone ever did for me but you know you won't win. You still think about her, don't you? Be honest with your own heart…"

"Sometimes I do but that's normal. She's my friend."

"She's more than that. Maybe not now, but she will. You'll get married one day and have kids. That's what you want, right? To have a family of your own. I can't provide you that."

I slowly got up from his bed and put my clothes on. He watched me without saying a word.

"It was nice while it lasted. I think it's better if we think that somehow we helped each other and that things are just the way they are."

"So this is it? It's over?"

"Yes."

"What did I help you with?"

"You made me realise that I wasn't happy with Aaron. I was hiding and trying to prove I had moved on. I guess I wanted to believe that one day I would love him and have a normal life but we weren't meant to be. I was living a lie."

"And what about me?"

"I don't know Jacob…I just…I guess I allowed you to have something you wanted."

"What was that? Sex?"

"If you see it that way, yes…"

"Do you think that's what I wanted?"

"Yes."

"Why can't you believe that I actually have feelings for you?"

"Because those feelings will disappear and because I'm not worth it."

"Why not? Because you can't have kids? Because you're older than me? Because our parents are against us? Why did you change your mind now, Leah? Just give me a good reason."

"Because I'm just a vindictive bitch. I used you and now I want out."

"Are you kidding me? Do think I'm that stupid? I can see right through you. You're scared of loving me. You're scared and that's why you're doing this."

"I have the right to be scared Jacob and I have the right to end this relationship before we hurt ourselves beyond repair."

"And I have the right to fight for you."

"It's a lost cause, Jake. We both know that."

"I don't care."

"Look, just forget about me, about us."

"Maybe I will." He said defiantly.

"Good." I stated with a hint of pain. "Do yourself a favour and don't search for me."

"I won't have to."

"What?"

"You're not going anywhere."

I looked at him surprised.

"What do you mean?"

"I forbid you to leave La Push." He said firmly. I was in shock. He had given me an alpha command so I couldn't leave.

"What do you think you're doing?" I put my hands on my hips and glared at him. I was pretty angry right now.

"Making sure you're staying out of troubles and away from dick face Aaron."

"You're trying to keep me here against my will you asshole. I told you we're over. I don't want to stay here."

"Tough. Last time I checked I was still the alpha. If you want to play dirty I can do it too. You're stuck here with me until I feel like it and I'm not going to give up yet."

"But…"

"I fought against the imprint Leah…for you. I can feel the pull and it hurts but I'm not going through all this work just to be rejected again. I will convince you that we belong together even if that kills me."

Jacob Black was fucking stubborn and right now I was really pissed off with him. That alpha command was trapping me.

"Fine, do what you want. You're just going to hurt yourself more. I'm not going to change my mind. After today we are not together anymore. Got it?"

He nodded in agreement and then he smiled, leaving me utterly confused. He was definitely crazy.

"Now where were we?" He took a step closer and almost kissed me. This time I managed to get away from him and I jumped quickly out of the window.

He stood by the window smiling mischievously at me.

"Are you running away from me? Are you scared that I'm right and you'll end up giving in to me again?" He smirked.

"No. I have other things to do. I have a life."

"Sure, sure…"

I turned my back on him and when I was going to leave I heard him whisper my name. I felt chills when I realised he was actually crying. I didn't turn around to see him because I was scared that I wouldn't be able to leave if I did. I would probably run back into his arms and apologise for lying and hurting him like that.

I kept walking firmly until I reached the trees and then finally I exploded. Literally. I hadn't phased in more than a year now but after breaking up with Jacob I couldn't take it anymore. Fortunately no one else was phased so I managed to run freely through the forest. I knew Jacob's alpha command wouldn't let me leave our lands so I went to the cliffs where I stayed for hours watching the night sky.

Nothing mattered anymore. I was back at stage zero. My life didn't have a meaning like before. I remembered the night we made love. I felt whole for the first time in years. It was the kind of happiness you feel when you're sure that after all the hardships you had been through and all those bad things didn't happen in vain. They had a purpose. But that dream was now over forever.

I had been naïve to believe that we could be happy together. Even if the Council accepted us, things wouldn't be easy. At some point Jacob would want a family and I couldn't give him children. And of course Nessie's memory would always be present. She was the one for him, not me. So what if we had feelings for each other? Sam had promised to stay by my side too and now he was happily married. I couldn't compete with my scarred cousin in the past much less Bella's perfect daughter.

I should have never broken up with Aaron. He had true feelings for me and maybe one day I could've loved him too. I felt stupid. I had given up my only chance to be happy with a decent guy for someone who would never truly love me because Nessie would always be first.

I would be lying if I tried to deny that I hadn't thought about Jacob and I having a nice and happy life in La Push. I had thought about it several times. I thought about moving in together, finding jobs, building a career, having dinner with our families, getting married and maybe, if we stopped phasing, I could give him a child: a baby boy with my eyes and his hair. He would be so proud.

But instead here I was again: alone, empty, soulless and trapped. I couldn't leave La Push and ask Aaron to take me back. Anyways he probably wouldn't want to see me ever again. I had only one option: to become the bitter harpy I once was. That was my fate.

I watched the dark waters while I was on the cliffs and I let the depression consume me.